“I’m surprised we never met before,” Ash said.
They stood in Mary and Sharon’s driveway, watching Tess and Michelle load their stuff into Carrie’s car. Tess had been quieter than Ash expected on the way back. She guessed the teen was probably dreading what awaited her at home. The thought gave her less satisfaction than she’d expected.
“I don’t have much of a social life,” Carrie said. “Everything is about work.”
“Still, it’s strange that we’ve never crossed paths.”
Ash suspected from her conversation with Mary that there was a reason she’d never set eyes on Carrie before. Mary and Carrie had known each other for two years. Mary must have avoided inviting them both to the same events. She obviously thought Carrie deserved better than a one-night stand. Ash was starting to agree.
“I guess we just don’t run in the same circles,” Carrie replied.
Ash wondered if there was more to the comment than what was actually said. Was it that Carrie had a Ph.D. and Ash had barely finished high school? Or did it have to do with Ash’s reputation? Either way, she couldn’t think of a throwaway response. The truth was, both alternatives bothered her.
“Thanks again for bringing us home,” Carrie said.
“Not a problem,” Ash said.
“Well, you didn’t have to, and it was a big help.”
They stood there looking at each other as if neither wanted to say good-bye but they couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?” Ash asked.
“I should probably look at some of my students’ papers.”
“Oh, yeah.” Ash nodded dumbly.
“So I’ll see you later?”
Something in Carrie’s face registered with Ash. She looked expectant, almost hopeful. Ash had seen that expression before, many times on the faces of many women. Except that in Carrie’s case she wasn’t sure what it meant.
Unsettled, she asked, “Wednesday, right?”
Carrie paused for a second as if trying to remember why they would see each other on Wednesday. Not exactly brimming with enthusiasm, she said, “Right, the bookcases. Yes, I’ll see you then.”
“Great.” Ash got back in the car, silently cursing her own awkwardness.
What was she thinking? Why ask what Carrie was doing later and then drop the subject? She’d wanted to ask Carrie out, maybe to dinner or a movie. She didn’t even know what she had in mind, now that she thought about it. She didn’t know how to date, and she wanted to keep it that way. Whatever was going on with her, she wanted it to stop.
Ash fired up the Mustang and turned on the radio. Bruce Springsteen was singing “Born To Run,” and Ash smiled at the serendipity of the moment. She was born to run, and she liked that. She rolled down the windows, turned up the volume, and sang along as she drove as fast as she could through the sleepy streets of Roosevelt. Drowning out her own thoughts in the noise of the radio, wind, and engine, she convinced herself that she just needed to clear her head. If she found something entertaining to do for the rest of the day and then got a good night’s sleep, she would be back to her old self in no time at all.
*
Carrie sat staring mindlessly out the window of her home office. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been spacing out, but she wasn’t getting any work done. Judging by the sun’s position low on the horizon, she had let the entire day slip away from her unproductively. This bothered her. Normally she lost herself easily in her work and loved planning her lectures for the week, anticipating questions and imagining new ways to connect the course material to students’ lives. Today everything seemed dull, and try as she might, she couldn’t keep from thinking about Ash. They’d spent such a companionable ride home, and Ash seemed so sincere in her desire to help resolve the Tess problem, Carrie had thought how nice it would be to get to know her better. There was obviously more to her than met the eye.
Sure, Ash oozed sexuality. She was stunning, charismatic, and she made Carrie’s body react in ways she’d never experienced before, but there was more than just physical appeal to her. When she let down her guard, Carrie really liked what she saw, a sweetness, a sense of humor, at times she even seemed sensitive, but she just hadn’t had a chance to see it often due to the limited nature of their interactions so far. Carrie began to think that maybe she had been too quick to judge her. Tess had been nothing but awful to her, yet Ash had shown she could rise above petty retaliation. Before they went their separate ways, Carrie was certain Ash was about to ask her out. Yet she’d withdrawn before making the invitation. Carrie wondered why.
Puzzled, and slightly hurt, she foraged in her briefcase for the business card she’d kept there since Ash agreed to build the bookcase for her. The address on the card she extracted was downtown, probably a workshop of some kind, although it included an apartment number.
Carrie knew she was taking a risk as she got in her car and headed toward the older part of town. There was no guarantee that Ash would be at home, if it was her home address. Still, she wasn’t getting anything done and if she left it too late, she wouldn’t go at all. As she wound through the narrow streets of storefronts and warehouses, Carrie wondered what she was even going to say to Ash if she was home. Ask her out to dinner? Coffee? It wasn’t as if she could just say she wanted a real conversation to find out if Ash had a good personality.
She turned a corner just in time to see Ash’s Mustang pull away from the curb in front of her apartment. Carrie slowed down, uncertain what to do. Ash had other plans, so she should just go home. She was already bordering on desperate by coming all this way in the first place and she never gave in to crazy impulses like this one. But instead of turning around, Carrie found herself following the Mustang all the way to the Triangle Club.
Carrie had never been in the club, but she knew it was the only lesbian bar in town. She also had a pretty good idea what she would find there. A lot of booze, a lot of smoke, and a lot of women. Ash would likely be right at home in those surroundings, but they certainly weren’t Carrie’s cup of tea. She shook her head, aware that she was judging again. Just because Ash was at a bar on a Sunday evening didn’t mean her intentions were bad. Maybe she was meeting someone. That thought didn’t make Carrie feel any better.
This is ridiculous, she thought. She was a grown woman. Why was she acting like this? If she wanted to talk to Ash, all she had to do was go inside and say hello. People had conversations in bars all the time. On the other hand, if she didn’t want to go into the bar, then all she had to do was go home. No one was making her stay. Either way, she couldn’t sit out in the parking lot all night wondering what Ash was doing and who she was talking to. That would just be pathetic.
*
Ash walked into the bar and paused for a moment to let her eyes adjust to the dim light. The place was relatively empty. In one corner, a softball team sat around a table sharing pitchers of beer. They were carrying on loudly about their big win earlier in the afternoon. A few women were shooting pool at the back of the bar. There was no one on the dance floor. It was too early for the college crowd to be in, but that would change in the next few hours. As usual, Lupe was behind the bar.
Ash took a seat and waited for her to finish drying a glass.
“You’re here early,” Lupe said as she walked over. “You trying to make up for the time you missed the past few days?”
“Nothing escapes you, does it?”
“You think I don’t notice when the local heartthrob goes missing on Friday and Saturday?”
“I didn’t know you cared so much about me.”
“Don’t flatter yourself, chica.” Lupe chuckled. “I care about my bar, and you just happen to be good for business.”
“Then how about a Bud Light on the house?”
“How about a Bud Light that you pay for?”
“That’ll work, too,” Ash said. She liked the familiar banter with Lupe. It was comfortable. There were no double meanings or subtle hints. What you saw was what you got.
Lupe had just set down the beer when Ash felt someone settle onto the stool beside her. “I’ll have the same, please.”
The voice belonged to a trim brunette dressed casually in jeans and a white long-sleeved polo. She looked to be in her early thirties, very well kept, and neither completely butch nor femme.
“Put that on my tab,” Ash said when Lupe returned with the beer.
“Thank you.” The woman gave a brief smile of acknowledgment and extended her hand. “I’m Jeanette.”
“Nice to meet you.” Ash gave her name and took Jeanette’s hand in a firm squeeze, which Jeanette demurely returned. Ash wondered briefly why women did that. Hadn’t anyone ever taught them to shake hands? It wasn’t supposed to be such a one-sided affair.
She focused her attention back on the woman in front of her. What did she care how a stranger shook her hand? It wasn’t like her to notice something as insignificant as that. Jeanette was far from unattractive. She had curves in all the right places and a pleasant smile. No, this one certainly wasn’t hard to look at.
“I’ve been working all day. I just couldn’t take another minute in that office,” Jeanette said, trying to spark up a conversation.
Ash adjusted her position so their bodies were closer together. “What line of work are you in?”
“I’m a realtor. Had a major open house this morning and I spent all afternoon trying to process all the follow-up requests.”
Ash feigned interest. “Sounds like a good day.”
“Sure, good for the bank account, but boring as hell. I could use a little something to spice up what’s left of my weekend, if you know what I mean.”
“I might.” Ash knew exactly what she meant. Wasn’t she here for the same reason? Jeanette was giving her all the right signals. All she had to do now was close the deal.
“I’m sure you do, sweetheart.” Jeanette gave her a smile that seemed genuine but there was a hardness to it, like it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
They were hazel, Ash noticed, and her gaze was calculating. She had the feeling Jeanette was already comparing her with other women in the bar, trying to decide who was worth her time. As Jeanette downed the remainder of her beer and signaled for another, Ash looked at the bottle in her own hand. It was still mostly full. She wasn’t a lightweight, and she had never had any problem with women who drank, but the alcohol wasn’t very appealing to her tonight. In fact, nothing seemed very appealing to her at the moment. Maybe she had settled too soon.
Without making it obvious that she was cruising her other possibilities, Ash scanned the other women in the bar. No one caught her eye. Some of the softball players were cute, but she wouldn’t call any of them sexy. When she looked more closely, she recognized various faces and realized she’d slept with at least a third of the team. That was odd. They didn’t seem all that attractive. Ash reasoned that the unflattering uniforms were probably turning her off.
One of the women shooting pool was a past bed partner as well. She was relatively attractive at first glance, but nothing special now that Ash was looking at her a little harder. Were her standards really that low, or was she just having an off night? She’d never been this picky before. She enjoyed women of all ages, races, and body types. She could usually get turned on at the drop of a hat. Why the sudden change?
She looked more intently at Jeanette. She was the most attractive prospect in the room, but Ash wasn’t able to muster any enthusiasm over her. Jeanette’s hand claimed Ash’s leg. She was practically throwing herself at her.
“I’m ready to go, Ash. You want to head out and see if we can’t find something better to do?”
Yes, Ash thought. Just say yes. This was her turf, familiar territory. She needed to get back to her routine. She needed to feel like herself again and this woman was offering her the chance to do that. She was attractive, available, and willing to let Ash take the lead. What more could she ask for?
“No thanks,” Ash said, mentally kicking herself even as the words left her mouth.
“What?” Jeanette seemed surprised.
“I appreciate the offer, but I think I’m going to call it a night.” Ash felt bad for misleading her, so she tried to give a charming smile. “If you wait till I finish my beer, I’ll walk you out.”
Jeanette shrugged, never breaking the contact between them. “If that’s all you have to offer, then I guess I’ll take what I can get.”
*
Carrie stood in the doorway watching the scene unfold before her. It had taken her almost fifteen minutes to work up the nerve to step inside the bar, and she now wished she’d gone home. Ash hadn’t wasted any time. The brunette on the bar stool next to her was well into her personal space, and while Carrie couldn’t hear them, the conversation appeared to be anything but casual. The woman’s hand rested high up on Ash’s thigh. There was something both suggestive and possessive in the touch that made Carrie’s stomach churn with jealousåy. She knew she should leave. She shouldn’t have followed Ash here in the first place. Everyone had warned her about Ash’s reputation. Carrie wasn’t sure why she needed to see the proof for herself. She truly believed people could change, but they had to want to. Ash had given her no indication that she was dissatisfied with her life. This was what she wanted, meaningless encounters and one-night stands. That’s all this woman would be to her. She wouldn’t even remember her a few days from now.
Carrie felt unreasonably angry as she watched Ash with the woman. She could only imagine what they were saying. Ash was probably turning on her trademark charm. Maybe she was even telling her some of the same things she’d told Carrie. Did she casually let her know how good she was with her hands? Was she telling the woman that she wanted her? Or was she simply making that fact known through the innuendo that came so easily to her? Carrie felt sick just watching them.
But why? Ash wasn’t hers. In fact, she’d made it abundantly clear all weekend that she didn’t want a physical relationship with Ash. So why shouldn’t she find satisfaction with someone who shared her philosophy? Plenty of women would love a shot at someone so suave and attractive. She was sexy and charming, and everything anyone would want in a lover, but did any of them see beyond that? Did they know how sweet she could be? Did they ever look past the bravado and see that underlying vulnerability Carrie knew existed just below the surface? Would the brunette even stop to wonder who Ash was, what she cared about, what made her tick?
Carrie watched as the woman moved her hand up Ash’s body and rested it gently on her arm. Would she ever know the pride Ash took in her work or realize how good she was with kids, or care about her the way Carrie did?
Her head spun with the realization of what she was thinking. She cared for Ash. She had feelings for her. Not just as an acquaintance, or even as a friend. Despite her best efforts and most fervent denials, she was falling for Ashton Clarke.
Carrie wanted to move, but her legs failed to comply. Ash and the brunette stood, the woman’s hand still resting on Ash’s arm. As they turned toward the door, Ash froze, looking directly at Carrie. Their eyes locked for a long, painful moment. Carrie read so many emotions flash across Ash’s face, surprise, guilt, remorse. Still, the only thing she could process was the fact that Ash was about to leave the bar with another woman. It was a thought she just couldn’t handle, so she turned and fled.