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Hannah
Cleaning up was Hannah’s least favorite part, but she almost didn’t care that night. The faster the night went by the better. Picking up the mess and taking care of the kitchen was guaranteed to pass time. She really didn’t want to go into the house only to sit around talking with Stefanie while the letter acted like the Tell-Tale Heart and mocked her from her room. At least out in the bunkhouse, she had a distraction and no letter under the same roof to dwell on.
She dipped her hands into the hot soapy water and claimed one of the large pans she’d used to braise the chicken. The dishwasher hummed beside her filled with dinner plates and other smaller items. Cleaning the large pans by hand was faster than waiting for the load in the washer to finish.
Stefanie had opted not to go inside either, choosing instead to stay with Hannah and clean. She leaned close to Hannah’s right side, wiping a wet large platter with the dishcloth in her hands. “The new hand is pretty good looking.” She wiggled her eyebrows at Hannah and straightened, waiting for a reaction.
Hannah sighed, but didn’t let the not-so-subtle hint rile her. “He sure is, and he’s pining for you. Want me to set something up there?” Her teasing tone wasn’t as strong as it should’ve been. There was more than a little jealousy that once again Hannah had been looked over – even though she’d said she wasn’t interested, that didn’t mean he had to give up so fast. Why couldn’t he have put forth a little more effort?
Maybe that’s what she was looking for in the love department, someone who wouldn’t give up at the slightest hint of trouble, or even at the worst storm of their lives. Maybe she needed consistency and determination. Maybe... maybe she needed someone to be interested first.
Nathan had run from the family after giving everything he had in himself to give to his wife, Emma. She’d... died and he’d left. He had emptied so much of himself into fighting her illness, fighting the impending loss that she accepted but he wouldn’t, he had nothing left to give his family. He didn’t even have enough to grieve properly.
As he’d ridden away on his horse, Hannah’s heart had shattered into so many pieces, she’d promised not to look for a love that was so strong it ripped one’s soul from their body with the loss.
Hannah needed someone who wasn’t going anywhere. Whose loyalty was stronger and more lasting than even grief. True, Nathan hadn’t left the person he’d fallen in love with, but what would he have done if Emma had been able to have children and Emma had died? What then? Would Nathan have abandoned them, like he’d abandoned Hannah and Stefanie?
She’d always thought Nate was a different type of man, until he’d left. Now, Hannah wasn’t sure there was that type of man anywhere.
Stefanie finished drying the last dish Hannah had placed in the racks and set it to the side. She thrust her hand on her hip and tilted her head toward Hannah. “You’re not going to find happiness sitting here upset with Nate and holding a grudge, Hannah. No one can make you happy. You have to choose to be that way on your own, you know? You have to take the steps to be happy. Waiting for someone else to come along and fix everything is a long time to be miserable, because no one can fix that but you.”
Hannah huffed at the prodding. “Yeah, except I’m not miserable,” That was a lie. “And I’m not interested in anyone. Stef, not being interested in any of the cowboys that ride through here isn’t me choosing to be unhappy. It’s me looking out for me. I have other dreams. I don’t want to fall in love. There’s too much involved and I want to focus on other things.” Not that she was close to falling for Zander or anyone else. Plus, Zander wasn’t an option. He’d been more interested in her unavailable sister than in her.
Hannah wasn’t meant to find love and she was just secure enough with herself to be fine with that.
All that aside, that was the closest she’d come to telling Stefanie about her dreams to leave Bella Acres. Stefanie’s potential reaction to the full declaration held Hannah back from any true confessions. If Stefanie didn’t agree with Hannah’s decisions, she wouldn’t support her and she would do everything she could to change Hannah’s mind.
Hannah didn’t need that. She needed to be able to hold on with her tenuous grasp to her dreams. She couldn’t afford to let anyone stomp on them or make them seem smaller than they were. She held off telling Stefanie. She held off telling anyone.
Placing the last pan on the rack, Hannah pulled the plug to the sink and wiped down the backsplash behind the faucet and the counter space. She ignored her sister’s wondering expression and yawned. “It’s been a long day. Thanks for your help. I’m gonna gather eggs and close up the chickens. See you inside.” She offered a tight smile to her sister, but didn’t linger.
Lectures from Stefanie were the last thing that would boost Hannah’s nerves. What if she didn’t get into the school after declaring her independence? She was honestly afraid her determination to set out on her own in search of her own dreams would dim.
Hannah doubted Stefanie even really heard what Hannah had said.
She opened the door, exhaling and then breathing in the crisp cooling off of the summer air. It was still early enough in the season that when the sun went down the temperature cooled dramatically. The early summer evenings were Hannah’s favorite and she had no problem taking her time to get her evening chores done.
Stepping onto the deck, Hannah dismounted the stairs in the direction of the coop. Then she stopped, turning back to the barn. She’d forgotten to return the egg basket to the coop earlier that morning.
Rounding the building, she came up short as she found Zander facing away from her with a cell phone held to his ear. “...cut the deal. I don’t want to mess with her development. If they can’t wait, then they don’t need her. She’s too spirited to push like that.” He waited a moment, leaning his head back and placing his hand on his other hip. “Yes, thank you, Tommy. I’ll check in with you in a few days.”
He hung up the phone, sighing as he turned, tucking the small device into his pant pocket. Glancing up, he paused as he took in her presence. His eyes widened and he watched her as if she’d caught him doing drugs or stealing. After a moment, something shifted in his gaze and he pierced her with conviction. Conviction. What did he have to be so assured about?
She swallowed, taken aback by the look of confidence in his gaze. Hannah motioned over her shoulder. “Um, I forgot the chicken basket... um. Excuse me.” She stepped around him, discomfited by his commanding presence. Why hadn’t she noticed even more of that in the kitchen? He gave orders on the phone like he’d been meant to. Seeing him taking directions from Drake would seem unnatural at this point. Even Drake didn’t have the magnetism exuding from this man.
“Hannah.” Zander inclined his head, taking off his hat and tucking it under his arm.
“Zander.” She avoided his gaze and retrieved the egg basket from the hook just inside the door. She returned on her original path to the coop, sidestepping Zander again as she passed, ignoring him on that route. She wasn’t sure what else to say to him that she hadn’t already said. Plus, she’d been adamant in her refusal to be interested or even available. What more did he want? What more did she want?
He fell into step a couple feet behind her, the rustle of his boots on the medium-length grass mixing with her breathing. Did she turn and talk to him or act like he wasn’t there?
They got to the coop and garden before she could decide one way or the other so Hannah let them just exist together in silence. She didn’t need to pursue a conversation anyway. The only things she could focus on was her letter waiting for her and the fact that the ranch hand following her still smelled delicious.
The chicken were just lining up in the run to head into the coop. Hannah paused beside the door and waited, the basket swinging indolently from her fingers.
“Is this your garden?” Zander’s polite tone didn’t bring out the bristling his flirting had. He stepped closer to her, but not enough to invade her space.
She glanced at him quickly for a clue as to what his goal was. She wasn’t going to make it so he could see Stefanie. Hannah wasn’t that type of bridge. He could just forget it.
But there was a sincerity in his face that suggested he really was interested in the answer to his question.
She spoke quietly, suddenly nervous about the topic and sharing too much. “It is now. It was my sister-in-law’s. Before that, my mom’s.”
“Stefanie’s?” Zander lifted a leg and rested his boot on the lower rung of the newer chicken run fence. That fence could support his leg’s weight. The garden fence would have buckled under anything other than a light rain.
Hannah laughed, shaking her head. “No. Stefanie is my sister. Emma was my sister-in-law, but... she’s not anymore.” He’d brought up Stefanie which could mean he was trying to get information about her, or he was trying to be unembarrassed by the incident before dinner.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I should’ve known you were sisters. You look so much alike.” He ignored the sharp look Hannah shot him as she checked for teasing or flirting. Holding his hat still, he ran his empty hand through his hair. Dark wavy curls moved around and then fell under the weight of his thick hair to its original position albeit slightly less pressed against his skull.
“How would you know? You just met us.” Hannah offered with a grin, then grew quiet. “No, Emma... well, Stefanie’s older than me and then there’s our brother Nate. He’s the oldest, out of all of the cousins, too. But he’s not here anymore.” The bitterness in her tone was strong, even to her. “Emma was his wife.”
“Is he dead or something?” Zander held up his hands, softly shaking his head. “I’m sorry, that was... I’m not trying to be insensitive. I just want to make sure I understand. I made a huge gaffe in there and I want to make it up to you. I was interested in you, but you made it clear... and I was trying to calm my aching pride.” His casual explanation filled with compliments confused Hannah. She wasn’t sure what to make of it.
Why he wanted to understand anything about her family didn’t make sense to Hannah, but someone was asking about them and for once, Hannah wanted to talk. It didn’t seem to hurt as bad right then. “No, he’s not dead. Emma is. She died a while back and Nate left us. He just up and left. I sincerely hope he’s not dead, but at this rate? He might as well be.” Hannah had overheard Drake talking to the men at dinner and Zander had mentioned being from the east side of the state. She glanced at him from the corner of her eye.
The old, now-dim twinkle of hope in her heart stirred at the chance that she might hear something about her brother. Anything. She turned to face Zander. “I heard you tell Drake you’re from eastern Montana. Have you heard of Nate Rourke?” She wouldn’t focus on the fact that she’d just admitted she had eavesdropped on his conversation. That humiliation didn’t matter, if he had information about her brother.
Zander looked from her to the chickens and considered her question. “Nate Rourke? Not that I can recall. I’d be happy to make some calls and see what I come up with. I know a lot of people on that side of the state. But... it is a big area.”
Hope rekindled at his words and then diminished at the presence of but in his words. “But what? I’m not going to date you or anything just for information.” But the chance that he would be interested in her enough to blackmail her for a date actually stirred something in her chest. Did she honestly think she wouldn’t date him just for information on her brother? She would do a lot worse to find Nate. A simple date was nothing and she’d agree right there, if that’s what Zander wanted.
Zander jerked back, returning his gaze to her face. His tone dripped derision as if she’d insulted him. “I would never coerce a lady to spend time with me, nor would I presume to place you in that type of situation. Information should be free.” He squinted at her and then shook his head, placing his hat back on. “Now, it makes my request to be friends seem shallow when I just wanted to set that misunderstanding in the kitchen behind us. I don’t want you to think I have bad intentions toward you.”
Hannah wasn’t sure if she should be embarrassed or impressed. Maybe a little of both when he was so open and forthright with her. That combined with his manner of speaking, and Hannah could just as well be talking to a gentleman from the past.
“I’m sorry to be so presumptuous. Of course, we can be friends.” She swallowed. Her main goal had always been to find her brother or at least get more information. After failing so long, she’d moved her goal from reuniting the pieces of her family to seeking her own dreams that would take her out of the fractured space she existed in.
The desire to find Nate had never completely dissipated and with the hint of a promise from Zander the need to have her brother in her life roared to life as if a fresh breeze on a smoldering coal.
Hannah held up a hand and closed her eyes. “Don’t say it. If you’re not going to do it, please don’t say it. I haven’t seen him in a long time. I miss him, and if you don’t do it... that will...” She opened her eyes and twisted her lips to the side. She blinked back tears and already resented the entire encounter.
“What if I can’t find him?” The hard edge of Zander’s voice pulled her gaze to his face. Challenge in Zander’s eyes made Hannah face her reality.
“Honestly? I can handle that. If you say you’re going to try and do something and you don’t actually do it, though, that’s worse because it’s an avenue not explored and it’s the what-ifs I can’t handle.” She lifted a hand and gripped the metal pole holding the chicken wire up. “It’s like when you don’t want to leave your post because you’re certain the person you’re waiting for is just a couple seconds behind. Then those seconds become minutes and then hours and soon you realize you’ve wasted years of your life waiting.” She was well into her twenties and she’d spent all of her life waiting for her brother to return to them.
After her parents had died, he’d become her world. Then he’d left.
Hannah had started believing she wasn’t worth staying for and she resented Nate for that.
Zander dropped his foot and moved to face Hannah. His lids drooped with a slumberous shift, hypnotically holding her gaze as he spoke with deep intent. “I’m a man of my word, Hannah Rourke.”
Trying to lighten the mood, Hannah breathed shallowly, nodding slowly, unable to shake his gaze. “Good. Not many are.” Had she just whispered at him? Where was her pride going? Was it okay for her to continue a relationship with Zander for more information about Nate? That’s the only real reason she could see herself staying friends with Zander. Ignoring the pull of his gaze and the arresting way his muscles flexed when he moved, Hannah could say that his scent was nice – but only if she was fine lying to herself.
A twinge in her stomach pulled her toward him with compelling strength. If Zander could find Nate, Hannah could finally ask her brother why she wasn’t enough for him to stick around.
Why did he have to leave her, when she’d lost everyone, too?