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Hannah
Hannah couldn’t shake the feeling of being rebuffed and embarrassed after throwing herself at him and kissing him. Her skin crawled at her the pitiful action she’d taken.
Of course, Zander had been right.
That wasn’t her. She was shy when it came to men, but she couldn’t help it. He was the first person to have a real conversation with her and not treat her with kid gloves. He’d made valid points without lecturing to her. He’d just redirected her thought process so she could think about what exactly it was she wanted and if she wanted it badly enough.
She could like him – no, wait. She wasn’t interested in anything like that. Plus, to be honest, he hadn’t been interested in kissing her. Hannah didn’t need it spelled out any clearer than that. As far as Zander was concerned, he was a means to an end. The end was getting information on Nate.
That’s all Zander could be to her. It didn’t matter how green his eyes were or how the clenching of his jaw was distracting even in the dark shadows of the night. In fact, the darkness had helped Hannah save some of her dignity. She wasn’t sure how “fine” she’d be if she’d been able to see pity or disappointment in his expression. Hearing it was one thing, seeing it would be devastating.
She slept on what he’d said and on his rejection. Or rather, she tried to sleep on it, but she didn’t get much rest, if any. Tossing and turning all night with their conversation replaying over and over in her mind kept her from really being able to rest.
The next morning dawned early and sooner than Hannah was ready for. Could she be honest enough with herself to do what Zander had said? If going to culinary school was really her dream, she would have to.
She waited until Stefanie left the house, sometime after breakfast. Once the house was empty, she grabbed her wrinkled rejection letter and sat at the table with the house phone. Dialing the admissions office, she waited for the ringing to be answered. A knot tightened in her stomach.
“Seattle Institute of Culinary Learning.” The woman already sounded bored and they hadn’t even had a chance to talk.
“Um, hello, this is Hannah Rourke. I applied for admissions and I just got a rejection letter. Can I ask why so I can do better on the next application?” Hannah chewed on her bottom lip, afraid they would say she just wasn’t good enough. Obviously, that was implied with the rejection letter. She clenched her hand on the phone, longing to hang up the call before she subjected herself to more punishment. But her determination to chase down her dream held the phone to her ear.
“Hello, Hannah. I just pulled your file and it looks like you were placed on our waiting list, but you’re kind of far down there. We had quite a few applicants and we just based most of them on a first-come-first-serve basis with regards to acceptance after they got through the screening process. It wasn’t anything you did wrong with your application. In fact, we would love for you to apply next year.” The woman’s voice was pleasant and sincere, alleviating a lot of Hannah’s concern.
The timing was off. That was all.
Hannah ended the call and then stared at the rejection paper. Zander had asked if they were the only school out there. They weren’t. They couldn’t be. She’d just chosen them because she saw an ad featuring them in a food magazine.
She didn’t want to wait another year. She didn’t want to wait another second.
Grabbing the laptop, she searched on a national level for other culinary schools. If she was willing to move to Seattle for school, anywhere was possible really.
The national list that came up placed the next one closest to her in North Dakota, close to the eastern Montana border. Eastern Montana. Where the rumors over the years had placed Nate. She’d never understood why he would make his way to the plains. He was a mountain man, a cowboy who could travel the trails and ride among the trees – rain, snow, or shine. He would be bored where the grasses stretched further than the skies.
Unless he was trying to escape everything green and good in the world because of what it reminded him of.
But this school was located near there in Mersdin – so close to the border, they probably had some residents of the town actually living in Montana.
Was that school’s location a sign? She had given up on Nate almost a year ago. He’d been as good as dead to her, except even worse than death, it was like a bad divorce – she couldn’t mourn her brother because she wasn’t sure he was dead, she wasn’t sure where he was. She had to force herself to stop thinking about him and that was harder than if she watched him go into the ground. Her grief over Emma had faded, she missed her sister-in-law, but she knew where she was. Hannah knew what had happened and that Emma wasn’t out there wandering in pain.
No, that was Nate.
Giving up on her brother had been the hardest thing she probably would ever have to do. And she didn’t want to go through that again. But what if she didn’t have to? What if she could find him again and at least ask him what she needed to ask? If she could get closure of some kind, she’d be able to put the never-ending search at least to rest.
Zander’s appearance on the ranch and the new location of school seemed to be pushing her toward her brother. Was it safe to hope? Hoping meant more than just waiting for answers. Hoping meant, she might see him again.
What if she found him in eastern Montana? What would she do? She wouldn’t need him to move back to Bella Acres. If she got into the school, they’d be by each other. She wouldn’t have to be alone. He wouldn’t have to be alone. Hannah was confident she was different enough that her presence wouldn’t have to be a painful reminder of what he’d lost and left behind.
A large part of her hoped, he was wishing and praying to see family again, too. What would Nate do, if he saw her again?
Small burgeoning hope blossomed in her chest and she wondered what Zander would say about her progress that morning. She would be cooking dinner for the men – a pancake and sausage breakfast was easy enough Stefanie had said she would take care of it – and Hannah couldn’t wait to get Zander to the side and ask him his opinion. She also needed to apologize for her behavior.
Kissing him had been untoward of her and she didn’t want to give him the wrong impression.
But seeking him out at dinner time was next to impossible. He came in and got a plate and she had to look away to reposition a ribeye on the grill. When she looked back to see where he’d sat, she couldn’t find him. He’d disappeared – plate and all.
He hadn’t even smiled at her when he’d seen her.
She hadn’t thought she’d done anything that bad. Maybe Zander didn’t know what a mistake was or maybe Hannah didn’t know how to let things go.