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Zander
The afternoon heat wouldn’t dissipate until evening fell which wasn’t more than a couple hours away but felt like a week. Zander wiped at his brow with his forearm, twisting and untwisting the wire he’d been working with all afternoon. The wire was almost as annoying as the sounds coming from the front of the property.
Laughter and car doors slamming filled the afternoon air, drawing Drake from the work in the barn early.
Glancing up at the sound of a very large diesel engine, Zander and two of the other hands – he hadn’t bothered learning their names – hung up the ropes and wire they worked with on a hook in the back of the supply shed.
Pulling off his gloves, Zander followed the men to the front. Curiosity finally got the best of him.
Zander had gone out of his way to stay toward the back of the barn and bunkhouse or out on the property for the last few days. Avoiding Hannah had become some kind of game and he wasn’t sure why he was doing it. Maybe because he was embarrassed he’d turned her down. Or maybe because he’d been stupid and turned her down. Or maybe... and most likely the truth, he didn’t have any information about Nathan that would be okay to share. No matter what he did, he’d end up giving away his secrets before he was ready. He couldn’t have her find out who he really was until she’d fallen for him.
She’d never love him, if she thought he was a liar. The scariest part he wasn’t ready to address was the fact that she might stop loving him once she found he’d lied.
Cookie had returned and his sunny disposition and tendency to love making anything Mexican made Zander wish he could offer him a year’s worth of bonuses to get him to cook at the Silver Spoons.
The two men left through the front of the barn but Zander hung back. He didn’t even want to peek outside to see what was going on. He’d never been so insecure in his life and there he was, nervous he would run into Hannah and even more worried he would miss out on time with her.
Cookie stopped beside Zander, clapping his hand on Zander’s shoulder and grinning. “We’ve been invited to eat with the family. This is rare, so go get cleaned up, amigo. I’m going to go help them set up and see if Miss Hannah needs my help with any of the food. She’s been cooking all afternoon.”
Cookie, who Zander had learned was actually Juan but preferred to be called Cookie because his own dad was a camp Cookie, patted Zander on his back and passed him. The man’s thick black hair had been braided neatly and fell down his back under a bright orange bandana tied around his head, do-rag style.
Zander genuinely liked the man. He stared after him. How much would it take to convince Cookie to follow him back? How attached to their chef was Drake and Stefanie and would they be bitter about losing him and Hannah? Or would they look at it as gaining a brother and cousin?
Zander wanted them to like him. He’d never wanted anything so bad. Taking their ranch chef probably wasn’t the best way to gain their esteem.
Zander finished hanging the rope and washed his hands at the barn sink. He brushed down his clothes and dusted off his hat. He was probably a mess but judging from the ringing bell coming from the house, he didn’t have time to shower and dress to impress.
He had a lot of explaining to do to Hannah for staying away from her for the last few days.
If she’d even noticed.
Well, whether she had noticed or not, Zander had and an anxious ache started in his stomach that he was going to get to see her. Long strides carried Zander to the front of the barn, toward the house. Set up around the side, close to the garden, a collection of picnic tables had been gathered. White linen cloths waved softly in the breeze around the legs of the tables like skirts.
Lights strung along the poles of the garden lit up the afternoon which was fading to the encroaching evening. In the gradual dimming, warm glowing light spilled from the house windows and the laughter and voices sent a shiver over Zander.
People, older than in the picture Zander had taken from Nathan but still recognizable, spotted the lawn in clusters with others, mingling amongst the tables and along the sides of the yard. Dressed casually even down to jeans and t-shirts, they could’ve stepped from the photos Nathan had shown Zander over the last few months. Smiling and talking, the Montana Trails added more dynamics to their existence in Zander’s imagination. They became four-dimensional with their actual presence.
His chest clenched. A family. His parents had been gone a couple years and he’d always been a single child. Loneliness had spurred the trip to find something else. Living on the ranch with Tommy and all the men who worked for him had helped stave off the depression loneliness could bring on, but he didn’t want to rely on his employees for companionship. They couldn’t be comfortable with him.
Zander wanted to be in a family. Not just any sized family – a big family. He wanted to belong and laugh and look forward to family gatherings and Christmas letters. Finding out about who was doing what and seeing the growth in each other were things he’d always dreamt about.
He just wanted to feel like he wasn’t alone.
Moving to the outskirts of the lawn, Zander watched the group as they interacted with each other.
Dark-haired men with blonde-haired women, blond men with dark-haired women, dark-haired both men and women, a woman with blue and pink in her hair, and a Native American couple made up the majority of the attendees. They laughed and talked in small groups which called out sporadically to each other, commenting and then going back to their conversations.
As the crew joined in the gathering, the family made room for them, engaging them as if they belonged there. And honestly, their crew did because they were open about what they were. They were hired by Drake as ranch hands to help run the ranch. They didn’t have ulterior motives to win the heart of the youngest and join the family. They didn’t have secret lives as one of the richest men in Montana who could probably buy a family, instead of trying to secretly win one over.
No, the crew fit in. Zander didn’t fit. Zander had never felt like more of a fraud. He wasn’t one of them but he wasn’t one of the crew either.
Along the side of the house, beside the back steps and under the railing of the deck, long tables had been set up with buffet-style stainless-steel serving dishes and lanterns hung to light the way.
Hannah’s curvy shape and long-braided hair stood out as she worked by herself, not talking with anyone or standing with a man. No one approached her or sought her out. She worked busily at the table, glancing once or twice toward her family, but then looked back to her work.
She was alone, as if she too didn’t belong.
Fixing that became Zander’s mission instead of dwelling on what he couldn’t change. Making his way across the lawn toward her, Zander smiled dismissively toward the two people who moved as if to speak to him. They were friendly and he was more than interested in getting to know them, but not right then. He had to take the chance open to him to strike up a conversation with the woman he was going to marry.
He moved up beside her, leaning in to grab the next pitcher from the collection she was moving from one of the tables to the other.
She jumped, startled at his presence when she turned. Something crossed her gaze that bordered on suspicion, but, to Zander’s relief, she shook it off. Hesitantly, she smiled. “Um, hi.” Unable to stay away from her, the breeze moved around her face, making stray strands of hair to dance around the curve of her jaw and slant of her neck.
“Hi.” Zander didn’t care if Nathan was wrong about Hannah. Zander was attracted to her and there was something between them he couldn’t deny. She came with the family and that meant she had a lot of value. But even more importantly, she lit something inside him he’d never thought would be possible. He wasn’t going to let that go.
Carefully, Hannah placed lemon wedges in the pitchers of ice water. She licked her lips, glanced at the other people standing around and then spoke cautiously, like Zander might run away or something. “I’m taking your advice.” She couldn’t smother the joy spreading across her face in a smile.
Zander furrowed his brow. “Oh? My advice?” He couldn’t remember much of their conversation besides the fact that she’d kissed him and he just wanted her to do it again. But he’d meant what he said – they needed to know each other better. He wasn’t going to cheapen what he wanted with Hannah. He wouldn’t disrespect her that way.
Call him old fashion, but that was no way to treat his future. If he’d been alone, he would laugh. He didn’t want to cheapen their relationship, but there he was lying about who he was. He couldn’t wait to tell her the truth and get the weight off his shoulders and his heart.
“Yeah, silly. I’m going after what I want.” She placed a pitcher and then turned back to Zander. “Nate would be surprised.” She blinked back the sparkling in her eyes.
Zander drew away. What did she know? The mention of Nate threw a wrench in things. He didn’t want to lie about that, but how was he going to confess everything to her now? His chances would flush down the drain. He was getting drawn tight into a web he’d created. He hadn’t thought things through and it was becoming more and more evident.
She stopped setting out the dishes and turned to look lovingly over her family, her expression tinged with regret. “He left and never really saw me, you know? He’s only ever known me as his little sister. He didn’t see me grow up while he was so wrapped in the stress around Emma’s sickness... and then her death.” She nodded toward the group. “He missed out on all of this. We went from nine cousins to so many more. We even have good friends that aren’t technically family but that we consider closer than blood.”
“That had to be hard.” Zander didn’t look at the family, he watched the empathetic woman before him. The one Nathan had missed out on knowing.
Lifting her chin, Hannah shrugged. “Nate took the loss bad. He left us because he couldn’t handle it. Of course, it’s been hard for him. I wasn’t trying to say it wasn’t.”
Zander lowered his voice and stepped closer to Hannah. “I mean hard for you, Hannah.”
She didn’t move away from him. She quieted, matching his tone, sadness moving to soften her features. “Yeah, it was. I’ve changed. I wanted Nate to see me for so long and then I realized I wasn’t proud of who I’d become. I wasn’t even sure who I was. But now... I’m not little Hannah anymore. I’ve had to survive, you know? I’ve had to figure things out for myself and I don’t want this right now. Not that I don’t want it ever, I just... I need a break from it, too.”
Relief flooded through him that she still wanted what her family represented. Zander smiled, understanding more than she knew. “Yeah, I get it.” He did. He’d only looked at the Montana Trails from Nathan’s perspective. He was starting to see the family was filled with dynamic individuals who happened to make up a unit. He’d thought of them as a unit instead of individuals.
As he filled a plate with the rest of the Montana Trails cousins and sat amongst them, Zander had the sensation that was the way things could be. He could sit beside Hannah because that was where he belonged and the men would ask him questions about ranching or he’d ask them in kind questions about... whatever, because they’d be family.
He firmed his decision to continue taking his own advice and go after what he wanted.
He just had to figure out how.