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It was nearly 2 am when Aziel woke up, crying hysterically in the inky darkness. Floundering in an unknown bed, laced with sweat, he screamed for his mother.
Arlana was in the next bed but struggled to get out, sinking into the soft mattress.
"I'm right here Aziel. One second," she tried to soothe him, hoping not to wake up her mother or Amber.
Crossing the chilly wood floor, her toes curled in protest, as she reached for her son's hand in the darkness.
"Here, come snuggle with Mummy," she led him across the floor again and into the bed she shared with her mother.
Aziel curled up against the familiar warmth, arm resting on his sibling within her, whimpering as the last of the night terrors left him.
"I'll get him a glass of water," her mother whispered as she stood up from the bed.
"Thanks. I'm sorry he woke you up."
"It's okay. I was having a hard time sleeping anyway."
Sheila turned on the washroom light, filling a small styrofoam cup with water, then returned to Aziel's side helping him sit up to drink the liquid she offered. It was kind of her and that gesture meant a lot to Arlana. Turning the light back off, she climbed in bed behind her daughter waiting till Aziel's breathing deepened as sleep claimed him once again.
"Arlana, are you awake?"
"Yes."
"I can't sleep. There is so much on my mind."
Arlana was exhausted and knew she only had a few hours left, but how could she go back to sleep now?
"I've been thinking a lot tonight about everything," Sheila continued, almost as though she knew Arlana had no choice but to be a captive audience. "It is so nice to have our family all together. It has been so long. I'm glad you have a nice place now but what if you were to come to Vancouver Island with us? Everyone who visits wants to stay so I'm sure you will love it and honestly, I know how nice Westport is, but it is still not as safe in comparison. Besides, Aziel will be near his cousins and you know how much they adore each other. Think about it. I know I work a lot, but we can only come to Ontario once a year. If you come down, we'll be able to see our grandchildren," Sheila reached out in the darkness to rub her daughter's womb, "This little one will get to know it's grandparents."
Arlana sighed. It sounded tempting, except for one fact. She couldn't bear the idea of living near her parents, especially now that she knew...
There was no way it would ever happen.
Sheila noted her hesitation so changed topics abruptly.
"Lachlan is a very nice man and he seems to fit in so well with the family. Even Mom liked him, did you notice? Why did you decide to be with Josiah instead? He is nothing like us and honestly, having him here feels more uncomfortable than Lachlan. With Lachlan, it feels like we have known him forever." Sheila didn't give Arlana a chance to answer, "I don't understand what Josiah says about you being married and there hasn't been a wedding yet," she ran her hand through her short, cropped hair hoping there was a way out of this marriage but not sure how to word it. "I guess what I am trying to ask is...is this marriage binding?"
"Yes."
Sheila voiced the doubts Arlana had struggled with for months, but there was no way she was going to let her mother know that Josiah didn't have her complete heart. She would never tell her mother she had spent months with Lachlan and it took Josiah finding her for her to return to him. Some things were better left unknown.
"How much of a Jew is he really?" Sheila tried from another angle, although the answer was rather obvious.
He was a Jew of Jews just by appearance.
Arlana didn't know if she should laugh or not. Wasn't the answer blatantly obvious?
"He is very much a Jew but has been so wonderful to me. I wish you had the opportunity to meet his mother. She is so sweet, I'm sure you'd like her. I know Granny would..."
Her mother didn't comment. "Does he reject Jesus?"
"Of course not. He is Messianic - believes Yeshua, Jesus, is the promised Messiah."
"Oh, I see, well that is a start. I just hate to see him looking so...so Jewish when I know how much they hate Jesus. It gives me chills to be seen with what looks like a Christ-Killer."
Arlana turned her face in her mother's direction, searching the darkness to meet her mom's eyes, "Mom, that is really inappropriate and would break Josiah's heart if he heard you," she surprised herself by sticking up for her husband. "I have never been around a man who is so righteous, so devoted, a man who truly loves Adonai and seeks to follow Him to the letter. I don't see why you can't just give him a chance. In fact, I think we could all learn from him and his devotion to Adonai."
She spoke of herself as well, her voice impassioned although whispering. Maybe it was her own guilt that made her stick up for Josiah so fiercely - her own shortcomings.
Not knowing what Arlana had done, Sheila was defensive.
"You are far from perfect Arlana. I know you've said you are sorry in the past, but you have yet to truly apologize. You have never spoken about what you are sorry for! God won't forgive you till you list your sins one by one, confessing them out loud to the people you sinned against and you refuse to!"
"Mom, if I listed every sin I committed, I would be doing that from here to eternity! I am far from perfect. I sin every day!"
Sheila sat up in bed, sitting cross-legged, her fists clenched in pent up bitterness.
"You know what you did! Why don't you just say it?! You accused your dad of something horrific - your own father! And you still sit here refusing to acknowledge it! When you said he molested you as a child and had social services show up at our door questioning if the children were ever touched....wow, how low can you stoop! We moved to the farthest part of Canada and they still found us! You are just lucky the children denied your dad did anything like that. You would have put him in an early grave. Do you not get that? He is not young anymore! He's already had two massive heart attacks! And you won't apologize! What about those years when I was fighting to get custody of Jaira's children and you fought me at every turn reporting me beating you as a child? What did you want? Those kids end up in foster care for the rest of their lives? I didn't see any other relatives trying to give them a home. No, it was just your father and I and not long after he had his heart attack. How could you?!" she hissed in the darkness.
Arlana swallowed hard. Yes, she had reported them but no one believed her. She'd confided in Jaira as well, but she took Arlana's secret and shared it with Adelaide and their mother who told Jaira that Arlana was a liar and it never happened. The extended family's confession at the funeral had meant something to Arlana - they confirmed with scars that Arlana wasn't crazy all these years.
Her father was the farthest thing from a saint, but right now she truly didn't know what to say. She'd already said she was sorry years ago, but that wasn't good enough. Arlana truly didn't want to go into it, but Sheila wouldn't let it rest.
"I want you to write a letter - a detailed letter retracting everything you have ever said against your dad and I and bring it to Child Protective Services. I want a copy of that letter as well."
That letter was never going to happen.
"If anything happens to your dad, his blood will be on your hands."
How had the conversation gotten to this point? Arlana closed her eyes wishing she wasn't alone with her mother, as though if she closed her eyes when she opened them again, she would be safely home. She wished Lachlan was at her side right now. He knew. He believed her. Why had her mother waited to attack her when she was alone and helpless? Oh right, that was always her way.
Josiah was blissfully unaware of her family skeletons but Lachlan, he had been there for her. If only he would kick down that door and rescue her.
She couldn't entertain such thoughts...
"Talking about blood on their hands," Arlana steered the conversation in a different direction, "What about Aunt Patricia and her husband? They are travelling here and there with his singing ministry and yet they block me on Facebook? Grandpa's daughter tries to reach out to him concerning her soul, but because she is his bastard daughter, he blocks her as well, refusing to speak to her. Is that a Christian? Do you realize Jade has a husband now? Children? Of course, she told them that a Christian - a pastor no less - won't even speak to her. Why? Because of who she is? Look at your own family - your own siblings. None of them including you will give the time of day to either of your half-sisters and they are souls. So whose sin is greater?"
Sheila dug her nails into her palms until they left a mark. The fact her father had created a harem as a pastor, fathering multiple children was a painful topic, but the fact still remained, the damage he created still raw all these years later although he was long dead. Ignoring the existence of her half-siblings didn't make them go away, and when one of the half-sisters had a stroke and reached out to a pastor concerned for her soul, a man who represented God and led a congregation - he should have talked with her, regardless of her parentage. The fact that he and his family refused to speak to Arlana with all members of the family blocking her, was just the icing on the cake. If Sheila wanted to compare blood stained hands, Arlana was more than ready.
"This is why people are being turned off Christianity in hordes. You turn on the TV and Christians and Christianity is mocked. Hypocrites. A laughing stock. Oh, I don't know why - could it be because even pastors don't actually care? You know, I was talking with Maxine recently and she said she can't believe our relatives are in hell because they were Catholic. She asked me the difference between a pastor and a priest who get up in front of their congregation every day and tell them what to do - the congregation then follows their leader blindly. What is the difference, she asked? You know...I had no idea what to say to her because I understand where she is at. Catholics 'live and let live' but Christians sit on their high and mighty pedestals looking down at everyone else, but they hide the skeletons in their own closets, hands dripping with blood."
"Arlana! How dare you talk like that! Your dad has been praying for Maxine for years! Why wouldn't you forward that email to him so he can answer her questions? She is a soul!"
Arlana's face blanched as she bit her tongue.
Because she will never listen to the man who molested her - her uncle.
The sky was turning a hazy blue and Arlana knew Aziel would be waking up at any moment. She could clearly see her mother now in the soft lighting.
"I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry I ever said anything to my support worker. She is the one who filed the reports. I had nothing to do with it and that is the truth."
Sheila frowned, "Fine. Whether you reported directly or not, it still hurt us deeply. Why do you think we left Ontario? To get away from Child Protective Services. As soon as we gained custody of these kids, we ran."
Arlana had suspected as much. The timing was more than a coincidence.
"It's nearly morning," Sheila stood up, "I'm going to have the first shower. Then I'll talk to your dad about you coming to Vancouver Island. I still feel it will be good for all of us."
Arlana felt like vomiting but said nothing.