Mara’s heart rattled as Tanner related what had happened.
“I still don’t know if Pete’s trustworthy, but thanks to his tip, help is on the way.”
Rescue. At long last. She clutched her arms around herself to hold her emotions in check. The delight in his eyes sparked through her soul. “I can hardly believe it. We’re actually going to get out of here?”
He grinned the widest smile she’d seen from him in all the time she’d known him. “It’s a matter of hours before the team arrives. By this time tomorrow they’ll be on scene and hopefully Eli and Vinny will be in custody.”
She tried to make the incredible thought sink in. Her brother and the officers would arrive. And then it would all be over. “We’re going home.”
“We are. No more running, Mara. No more hiding. No more eating stale Danishes and borrowing clothes and looking over our shoulders every moment.”
She whooped. Britta barked. Tanner scooped her up in an embrace and lifted her off the ground, kissing her cheek. She threw her arms around his neck as he twirled her in a circle. Slowly she tipped her head up and he kissed her on the lips, warm and gentle and perfect as if his mouth had been made just to kiss hers. Her heart thumped giddily when the kiss was over.
He put her down, but kept his arms circled around the small of her back. “You’ve been an absolute tiger to endure all of this.”
“We endured it together. I wouldn’t have survived if you and Britta hadn’t shown up at that cabin when you did.” It seemed like ages ago that Tanner had extricated her from the shack as Vinny and Eli were about to break in. Surreal was the best way to describe it. They’d been struggling shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart ever since.
The moment stretched between them, lovely and fragile, her arms encircling his neck and his palms on the small of her back. Their eyes met and there was such a world of possibility in his coffee-colored gaze, an intelligence that drew her, his compassion captivating. Would he kiss her again? It seemed a possibility as he lingered there, gaze roving her face.
“Back to the real world,” he murmured, giving her one more squeeze before he let her go.
Pain cleaved deep in her chest. The real world...so what was happening in her heart here and now wasn’t the same reality he was experiencing.
Wise up, Mara. Soon she’d be returned to her little apartment and Tanner and Britta to theirs. They’d see each other at work, at the coffee machine, at trainings, maybe. Regular life, mundane moments. Her ebullience was pricked, deflated. Why couldn’t he feel what she had? That their lives were unalterably changed now? Interwoven in a way they hadn’t been before? But that only worked if both people wanted the connection. She summoned a smile. “We’re going to have some stories to tell the team, aren’t we?”
He laughed. “That’s for sure.”
“It’ll be so strange...being back.” She thought about how brave she’d become while on the run, how silly it now felt not to share her thoughts. “I... I’ll miss seeing you every day.” She looked up at him, his haggard face, the lines of fatigue that grooved around his mouth...and in his eyes she saw the door shutting out the flash of light.
It felt as if the door had slammed on her too, bruising and breaking her. But it didn’t need to, did it? Maybe if she had the courage to speak the feelings into existence... Should she say it? The truth that was bumbling around in her heart? Risk embarrassment and awkwardness? Potentially endure all that to clearly express her desire for a relationship with him?
Before she’d have closed her mouth, shut away her thoughts, put her head down and pretended not to see or feel what was knocking inside. But the Mara she’d been before did not exist anymore. God had changed her, challenged her and coaxed her to step out of the shadows.
So she tipped her face to his and spoke. “I have to be honest, Tanner. You’re an amazing man. I’ve always thought so, but running through the wilderness avoiding a killer has proved me right.” She tried to smile. He didn’t return it. “I’d hoped...” She took a breath, shrinking inside. “I hoped we could continue a relationship when we get back home. I want to keep you in my life, as more than just a colleague.” There. She’d said it and immediately knew it was a mistake.
The closing door hadn’t been her imagination. Nor was his slight step backward, his hands burrowing deep into his pockets. Pain welled up inside her. She wanted to be with Tanner. He didn’t feel the same. That much was obvious. What had she done revealing her feelings so boldly?
Awkwardness and embarrassment were now the reality between them. The words couldn’t be unspoken. He didn’t want her, not in the way she wanted him and he was embarrassed that she’d forced him to reveal it. Maybe it was damage from Allie’s death, or maybe she simply wasn’t the woman Tanner Ford was willing to risk his heart for, like she hadn’t been for Jonas. She wasn’t sure which.
“I’m sorry...” He said, hand raised as if to touch her cheek. “You’re one of a kind, Mara, truly, but I’m not looking for a relationship.”
“Because of what you lost, or because of me?” She hadn’t meant to sound abrupt, but he must have taken it that way because he sighed.
The moment stretched out before he replied. “I don’t want to experience what I did with Allie. It made me forget who I am. I became some sort of robot, plowing through days, believing it wasn’t ever going to get better. It did, slowly and agonizingly. Two years later, I can live with the loss, even feel happiness now and enjoy things that come my way, but not relationships, not deep ones, the kind with profound connection like I had with her. Nothing is worth risking that pain again.”
Nothing, and no one. She should stop right there. Tanner had made his wishes clear. But there was so much anguish and fear bubbling below the surface of his explanation, she felt convicted to speak. “I read this quote once from C.S. Lewis. He said the only way to protect yourself from hurt is to lock your heart away where it can’t be reached. My dad kind of did that, I think. He was so ashamed at what he’d done cheating on Asher’s mother that he detached for years. Kept his feelings locked away and didn’t really allow Mom and me to love him too deeply.” She paused a beat. “He regretted it before he got sick.”
His expression darkened. “Different,” he said. “I lost the love of my life. I didn’t betray her.”
“No, you didn’t.” She felt the sorrow that underpinned his whole existence. “Tanner, I never met Allie but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have wanted you to die too.”
He blinked in surprise. “I didn’t. I’m still in the world, in case you haven’t noticed.”
“In it, but a little removed. I’ve lived like that too.”
His brows furrowed. “You don’t understand, Mara. God let me heal and I’m grateful for that. He didn’t mend me so I could get ripped apart again. What would be the sense of that?”
“He healed you so you could keep on living and loving while you’re at it. I get that it’s not me, but I hope you’ll allow the possibility of a future with someone down the road. You have so much to offer, it would be a shame if you didn’t.” She was aghast at her forthrightness.
He started to speak, then stopped and shook his head. “I can’t speak for someday. I’m sorry I can’t be what you want, Mara. You really do deserve the best.”
It dawned on her that her own ego was tripping her up. She had the answer now. It wasn’t that Tanner couldn’t love again, but he didn’t love her. The thought lashed her like the flick of a whip. Tanner was a kind man and the “I don’t want to love anyone” would hurt less than “I just don’t love you.” How humiliating. What was she doing talking to him this way? Her cheeks turned to flame. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say any more.”
“It’s not...”
“Tanner, we’ve been through a lot. Please don’t say ‘it’s not you—it’s me.’ At least spare me that.”
He closed his mouth, since that was likely exactly what he’d been about to say.
The fire in her cheeks spread to her stomach, churning flames that burned her from the inside out. “I put you in an awkward position. It was uncalled for. I apologize.”
“My fault. I... The kiss... I got caught up in the moment and I sent mixed signals.”
She could not allow the mortification to continue. “We’ve been through a mess and we both got caught up at one point or another. I will be grateful until the end of my days that you and Britta saved me.” She rustled up another smile and stuck out her palm. “Friends for life I hope?”
He shook, pain twitching his mouth. “Friends for life.”
“Great.” She searched desperately for a way to get out of the conversation with a shred of dignity. She clutched at her watch. “It will be a while before Asher arrives. I think I’ll take one last bath and maybe a nap for old time’s sake. I’ll be safe here with Britta. You probably want to pack or something.”
She didn’t wait for an answer, turning away from him. The adjoining door squeaked as he pulled it almost closed.
“Mara, what in the world were you thinking?” she whispered to herself, body still alight with mortification. You basically confessed your love to a man who doesn’t love you back.
Britta cocked an ear and bonked Mara with her nose. Mara sank to the floor and caressed her under the chin. “It’s all right, girl. Just admitting my own silliness aloud. You won’t tell, will you?” Britta licked her.
The warmth in her cheeks would dissipate, but the gap that opened up inside her at that moment would remain unfilled. Maybe there would be another man in her life someday, but he wouldn’t be Tanner Ford.
He told you. He made it clear. Your mistake, not his.
Before the tears had a chance to kick in, she hurried into the bathroom. The hot water did not relax her enough for a nap, though she forced herself to lie on the bed, desperately trying to keep her mind off what had transpired with Tanner. He tapped on her door when it was time for dinner and they went downstairs. Ellen and George were there, Ellen eager to chat.
“Finally finished all the Danish,” she said. “There’s a whole new menu at our disposal, cheese sandwiches and corn chips.”
Mara felt like she’d rather be anywhere but in that dining room trying to make conversation.
Tanner settled on eating a sandwich from the platter Pete had provided along with a bag of chips and a soda.
She forced herself to eat hers too, listening to Ellen chatter away. “Tail end of the storm. The snow accumulation is huge, but sooner or later the plow will clear the main road, so we’ve decided to get while the getting’s good.”
Mara looked up in surprise. “You’re leaving?”
George yawned. “Uh-huh. Right after we eat.”
“Really? You don’t want to wait until morning?” Mara said. For some reason the thought of being alone in the inn with only Tanner and Pete depressed her.
Ellen nodded. “Weather looks clear enough for us to make the trek back down and we’ve had a lot of practice snowshoeing. As long as we keep away from the cliffs where the snow’s unstable, we should be okay. We’ve got a snowmobile parked at the bottom that should get us back to the cabin we’re heading to in less than three hours.” She brushed her fingertips on a napkin. “Are you two staying much longer?”
Tanner crunched a chip. “Just until some friends of ours arrive.”
Ellen nodded. “Enjoy your visit and safe travels to you all.”
They said goodbye. In a few minutes, Ellen and George had fetched their gear and departed.
“And then there were three,” she said.
Tanner finished his sandwich. “Four if you count Britta.”
“And I do. She’s my canine hero.” Mara kissed Britta on the nose. It was easier to be close to the boxer than Tanner. After what she’d said... She cringed inwardly. Fortunately, dogs never held a person accountable for the drivel that spilled from their mouths.
Determinedly, she forced down the remainder of the sandwich, though her hunger had all but evaporated. In a matter of hours they’d be okay, headed back to Olympia. She could forget what had happened between them. He’d be the genial coworker and she’d be the friendly crime scene tech and they’d never bring up the humiliating conversation again.
Tanner was busily scanning the rafters, the stone fireplace with crackling logs. He’d bent Pete’s ear about the generator and solar panels, the water and septic systems. Pete trotted off to go get the blueprints to show him.
Best to get the conversation going again on a neutral topic. “Is this the kind of place you envision owning someday, off the grid?”
He didn’t look at her but his smile was warm and dreamy. “Yes, but I pictured Alaska, not Washington. The idea’s been calling my name louder lately, to be honest. Plenty of work there in law enforcement. Maybe I won’t wait for another ten years before I look for a property. Not after what we survived here. God might be trying to tell me to get my rear in gear.”
In another state, with another department.
A pang of grief cut through her. “That’d be nice,” she mumbled. “Off-the-grid and all the peace and quiet a person could want.”
He nodded. “Long as there’s heat and running water, right?”
“Right. I think I’ll go upstairs and read for a while.” She plucked a battered paperback from the bookshelf. She read the title aloud. “Countdown to Rescue. Appropriate.”
He discarded his empty can into the recycle bin. “We’ll see you to your room, then I’ll take Britta out for a potty break.”
Mara took the stairs quickly, not wanting to allow time for any more chitchat. She’d used up her supply. Tanner and Britta checked the room and they left. Locked in, she collapsed onto the mattress. What a night. The best she could hope for was Asher’s quick arrival and a speedy end to the whole ordeal. Her zinging nerves would not allow her to relax, so after a few minutes she peeked out the window. Asher and Britta were easing along the front path that Pete had spent the morning laboriously shoveling clear. It was hemmed in on both sides by walls of white. In twenty feet they took a turn and were swallowed from view.
She pressed a palm to the window, the glass cold against her skin.
Lie down, Mara. Let them go.
She’d listen for the sound of their return. Tanner would knock and she’d cheerfully tell him she was fine. He’d insist Britta act as her canine babysitter and she’d agree. Then it would be a matter of trying to sleep until the next day when her life would change again. Thrilling and sad at the same time.
Stripping off her socks and shoes, she pressed her toes to the hardwood and did a Pilates stretch. Muscles unkinked, she tried to breathe away the embarrassment and regret, to relax herself for what was to come. As she straightened, arms lifted overhead, she heard the sound of a key in the door lock.
Why would Tanner come through that way instead of the adjoining door?
Who else would have a key to the room? Pete, obviously. But Tanner hadn’t trusted him. He had no reason to let himself in her room. The knob turned.
She was already sprinting for the bathroom when the door was flung wide.
Vinny lunged in. He barreled straight at her, knocking her to the floor. She hit hard, the breath driven out of her. He planted his knee in the small of her back and reached to grip her hair.
She squirmed free, slammed herself at the chest of drawers, reaching for anything she could use to defend herself. There was a ceramic lamp, but in her terror she knocked it to the floor. “Leave me alone,” she screamed. Maybe Pete would hear. Come to her rescue.
“Quiet,” Vinny snarled. He grabbed the waistband of her jeans and tossed her down. She rolled onto her back and crab walked toward the dresser. Vinny had the beginnings of a beard, his breath hot and sour in the small space. The hairs bristled on the back of her neck. Over her terror she saw him click open a knife.
“I’m done freezing my bones in this wasteland,” he said, punctuating each word with a point of his knife. “Been tracking you through the middle of nowhere for months. Should have dumped this job and Eli when you escaped us at the cabin and let him kill you himself. At least I’ll get my paycheck finally.”
“No, you won’t.”
He laughed, showing tar-stained teeth. “Cop and his dog are too far away to hear you. This isn’t going to take long.”
Her fingers found the fallen lamp. As he drove the knife downward, she thrust it out. The blade skittered against the ceramic, carving off chips that fluttered to the floor.
“Help,” she screamed.
“No one’s coming, Mara.” He swiped his knife out again, ripping through the lampshade.
Her panic left her shaking so hard she almost lost her grip. With a curse, he wrestled the knife free and raised his arm to strike again. She swung the lamp at him. The blocky object connected with his chin, momentarily knocking him back, giving her a precious window to escape. She leaped past him to the door but he grabbed her ankle and she went down hard, her kneecaps cracking into the wood. Tanner and Britta were too far away to hear, but where was Pete? She screamed again and again at her loudest volume.
He clawed to get a grip on her shirt, to immobilize her so he could plunge the knife into her chest. She snatched the backpack from the floor next to the bed and swung it around with all her strength. It was an awkward motion, but the thermos inside whammed against his temple. The impact knocked him sideways and sent the knife skittering loose. While he lunged for it, she wrenched open the door and tumbled out, stumbling, hands outstretched, impacting the far wall.
“Help,” she screamed again.
Where was Pete?
She half fell, half ran down the stairs, screaming as loudly as she could over her panting breaths. Vinny was only a few steps behind her, swearing and staggering as he too took the stairs. She remembered the baseball bat that Pete kept behind the reception desk.
She hit the ground floor, turned the corner and dove behind the desk, rattling a tray of clean mugs balanced there. She’d have only one moment to defend herself. She grabbed for the bat just as Vinny’s hand closed around her sweatshirt, yanking her away from her only means of protection.
Britta was trotting back to the inn, Tanner right behind when she stiffened and whined. Her nose went from side to side as she picked up a scent. A scent? She wasn’t behaving the way she would if she was tracking Eli. More like she’d heard a disturbing sound.
He stopped for only a moment to text. Mara. Trouble. She likely wouldn’t receive it, but he had to try. Mouth dry, he took off at a sprint. Britta raced beside him over the snowy ground, beelining for the inn.
Had he missed something? Mara was locked safely in her room, surely?
His stomach dropped. Vinny or Eli could have been watching to see when Tanner would leave to let Britta out. Or maybe Pete wasn’t the good guy he portrayed and he’d alerted the two the moment Tanner had left? He was breathing hard now, and so was Britta, churning up bits of snow, skidding on slick patches. They were only yards away from the front door.
Had he blown it? Was he going to be too late?
Britta raced to the inn’s front door. She knew someone had arrived who didn’t belong. Someone intent on harming Mara. He commanded Britta to get behind him as he pulled his weapon and burst inside.