The Humble Librarian

Guy Gibbons has been a humble librarian for most of his working life; most commendably I must point out. However, it had become rapidly clear that life at the library was dull, boring and downright monotonous. Guy’s fed up with the same old mundane routine. He feels he wants to do something completely different with his life. Something a bit more exciting and adventurous perhaps, something that will lift him to greater heights. But he’s not quite sure on how to go about it.

The moment of truth came one day at the library. Guy was putting away some books when one accidentally fell to the floor. To his amazement the book opened up to reveal a picture of a notorious gangster. The scene depicted a guy robbing a bank in downtown Chicago, whereby the gangster was completely surrounded by a posse of cops. Guy stared intensely at the picture and thought nothing of the incident so he placed the book back in its rightful place.

Later on that evening Guy decides to turn in and get an early night’s sleep. But strange things occur in the course of the night. Guy has a rather disturbing dream, and a pretty bad one at that. His dream focuses on the incident that took place earlier on at the library, concerning the book. Guy sees himself running down a dimly lit alleyway and being chased by two armed robbers. Scarily the alleyway leads to a dead-end where there is no escape. Guy faces his receivers, and then all hell broke loose. He drew his semi-automatic weapon and blasted five rounds of ammo at the offenders. In the heat of the moment there was an almighty exchange of fire between Guy and the bank robbers. Wearily, Guy comes round from his deep sleep, covered in a cold sweat and recovering from his enthralling encounter.

Yet for some mysterious reason there was an interesting parallel to his dream. It had become rapidly clear that his dream had a meaning to its purpose. For several moments there was a deadly silence till Guy gave a sigh of relief and and announced with a click of his fingers. “Hey, that’s it. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll become a New York Police Department Law Enforcement Officer - bogus of course. I’ll get myself a real cop’s uniform, a couple of 38’s and boy am I going have fun!”

(Guy thinks) “I’ll be able to adorn the magnificent looking uniform that every proud cop wears. Just think of it. I could run every whino and choppy out of town. I could even catch me a hoodlum or two. I could escort frail old ladies across the road. Yep, I’ve made up my mind. I’m gonna be a really mean New York cop.”

By this time Guy was buzzing with excitement at the prospect of his new venture taking shape. However, it had also accrued to him that methodical planning was needed if he was serious about taking on such a role. Thereafter he set about the task of getting himself geared and tooled up for his new character which would involve a trip into town to make the purchase the necessary items.

The following week Guy takes time off from his duties at the library and decides it’s time for action. Having purchased the necessary things from the army and navy sore, it was all systems go.

Guy could wait no longer, so that evening he proudly dons his newly acquired New York Police Department uniform with great pride. He straps his two 38’s around his waist and tiptoes from his apartment, down the fire escape and out on to the street. With the cheek of the devil Guy merrily makes his way down 42nd street with a swagger and a wiggle that had previously deserted him. He even had the cheek to wave his baton about with the enthusiasm of a real New York cop.

A passing group of nuns stop and gaze at Guy, glaring at his resplendent appearance. “My word officer,” the nun smiles, “that surely is a big one you’re waving about and your truncheon don’t look in too bad a shape either.”

Guy turns pink with embarrassment and insisted on escorting the nuns across the road which annoyingly holds up the traffic. Like a true professional cop he hails the New York traffic to a grinding stop. This sudden act of erratic behaviour brings the traffic to an abrupt halt. Guy’s lack of experience and unprovoked action has caused the free-flowing traffic into a mighty pile-up. Drivers are enraged by the cop’s lack of timing and start shouting abuse at Guy in a particularly ungentlemanly sort of language.

(Our pretend cop responds like all true cops do)

“Hey fatso,” Guy yelled, “button it buddy!” pointing towards a guy in a silver Lincoln.

“Who me officer,” the guy replied.

“Yeah you with the double chin and the half ton of fat that’s hanging round your chin. It’s like this fatso; the first thing I’m going to do is slice off that piggy head of yours. That’s the thing that’s hanging round your neck. It should disconnect quite easily as I have the gear to cut it off, and I might add a lot less of a burden on society, and to yourself.” The guy in the Lincoln gives further consideration to the idea and reaches a decision to co-operate with the New York police in their worthy work.

So having done his first good deed for today Guy continues on with his patrol of the streets of New York. Guy then turns into 43rd street where he comes face to face with a group of adolescents who begin sniggering at Guy, thinking him to be an easy touch and a bit on the green side.

“Hey officer, does your mommy know you’re out this late. You really should be tucked up in bed with your teddy bear.” the youth’s sniggers.

“Now don’t bug me boys,” Guy snarls, “or I’ll book you on a misdemeanour under section forty-two -sub-section-five. In addition to subsection thirty two, paragraph twenty one in the first degree, as well as subsection three of the vagrant bums act, parallel to clause fifty-two for the criminal nuisance act in the second degree including the peeing behind a fire hydrant with your privates showing, having fully observed which is a criminal offence in the first degree!”

After further consideration the youths make an instant decision to run like hell, terrified at the thought of serving the rest of their lives in the state “Penitentiary”. At this point of Guy’s fling with the New York police department has so far worked brilliantly. He’s feeling mighty pleased with himself at having ascertained his false identity which up to now no one has yet discovered?

Proceeding to walk alone the main drag Guy then turns into 48th street where he finds himself standing outside the Bank of Brooklyn. But just at that precise moment the front doors of the bank burst open to reveal five men dressed in long black overcoats and carrying an array of musical instruments cases, and seemingly in a desperate attempt to get out of the place for reasons unknown.

In their desperate attempt to get away the men in black collide with our friendly York cop, who end up on their butts. The guy holding the cello case suddenly finds it has sprung open. Guy looks on in horror, for it is neither a double bass nor cello but an array of weapons and moreover, a stash of $50 dollar bills. One of the gang members an evil looking character who somewhat resembles a likeness to the famous Al Capone and with speech to match.

“Hey Cop, I sure don’t like the look of you, you yellow belly son of a bitch. I’m gonna fill you up with so much lead you’ll like a church roof before it’s been stripped.”

Guy thinks: they don’t seem like very friendly bank staff. I think I’ve got myself into a spot of bother here!”

A gun is then pointed directly at Guy’s head. One by one the gang confer with one another. “Not here, there are too many witnesses about, let’s take him back to the hide-out and we’ll finish him off there.”

The bare facts of the matter were as follows: a group of men, five in total, had succeeded in kidnapping a law enforcement officer in the course of his duty, and as a result of the officer in question (Guy) he is taken to an unknown destination, and there to be exterminated, thereafter. Guy is duly ordered to walk towards a black sedan, parked on the road. A door flies open to reveal a sinister looking character who is sitting at the controls. “He must be the getaway driver,” Guy thinks. Consequently as a result of his predicament, Guy is ushered; head first, into the rear of the car. He is now a prisoner with five ugly looking brutes whose soul intention is to wipe him off the face of the earth. The cramped conditions made it difficult to breathe or even talk. His gaunt face told the whole story. In a hail of fire the car sped off into the darkness of night, heading presumably for the gang’s hide-out. (The car radio abruptly springs into life and is followed by a short crackle of static - thus a news flash) “Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news has just come in. We’ve just heard that a gang of armed men have today robbed the Bank of Brooklyn. The suspects are believed to be wearing full length overcoats, sun-glasses, and black trilbies. They are believed to be driving a black Buick sedan. The gang are heavily armed and on accounts should they be approached. End of news flash)

In the background, sirens whirled accompanied by flashing lights.

It was the cavalry in hot pursuit. In a hail of gun fire the get-away driver hits the gas pedal with some force, trying in his desperation to shake off his pursuers. Somehow he manages to give the police the slip, till finally the sedan pulls up at an old disused warehouse on the East side of town. Giorgio the gang leader was grappling with the problem of what to do with Guy; this in turn led to a heated discussion between the gang members on how to dispose of the New York cop. Giorgio had no choice but to draw his gun and aim directly at Guy’s head. Then like a true professional law enforcement officer, Guy stands up and gives them a good old heart-to-heart talk. He somehow manages to convince the gang that he is not really a cop but a humble librarian who just wanted to have a bit of fun. The reason being, he was bored stiff with his mundane life. It was by an incredible stroke of luck however that one of the gang just so happened to be a member of Guy’s library, and vividly remembers Guy on many occasions serving several of the customers. So Guy must be for real.

The gang soon realise that Guy must be telling the truth and after much debate the matter is drawn to a conclusion. Giorgio the gang leader decides that Guy is just the type of person who has the necessary leadership qualities to make their outfit run like clock-work, moreover, to make sure their robberies go off without a hitch. It was plainly obvious that Guy had succeeded in duping the gang into believing he was a real cop, when really he wasn’t a cop at all, but a very clever con man. So Giorgio makes Guy the offer of a lifetime. He is to become their Mr Big. And subject to this offer Guy is to be installed into the notorious South Street Gang. How in tarnation could Guy possibly refuse such an offer? At long last Guy had found his true calling in life. To put it more perspective a new and exciting career awaited the ex-librarian. So over the course of time Guy fulfils his role to the letter, masterminding some of the biggest bank robberies in America.