After Blair dropped me off at home, I stepped into the kitchen and shivered in spite of the summer sun. I poured a glass of water and downed it all at once.
“Well, look who’s here,” Kevin said, hissing. “Sad Kate. Poor Kate. So alone she had to turn to her husband’s best friend for comfort.”
“No,” I whispered.
“You liked it, didn’t you, Kate? Tell me. Tell me how much you liked it.”
“Stop—”
“It’s you who needs to stop. Stop acting like a prostitute. Stop throwing yourself at men.” His words exploded in my head. The room expanded, then retracted. I pitched to one side, catching myself against the wall.
I sank to my knees. My head throbbed. “Please, I didn’t. I don’t know why you’re saying these things.”
“Whore.” The single word pounded like a bass drum inside my head. It was followed by a stream of other words, vile, obscene words I’d never heard Kevin say before. Shocking words that, when strung together, were like snarling dogs. I pressed my hands to my temples.
“No. I love you, Kevin. Stop. You’re killing me.”
Kevin’s voice pierced me behind my eyes. “Listen to you beg. Is that what you did? Did you beg him, Kate?”
“No, please … I didn’t do anything. I love you. Please, Kevin—”
“Yeah, beg me, Kate. Beg me like you begged him.”
I couldn’t breathe. Spots of color burst before my eyes—scorched green, molten white, festering red, until there were no colors at all.
I’m dreaming, or awake. Kevin holds my hand. I can’t see him, but I know it’s him. I sense nothing but white—a sheet of white nothingness all around me, and the pressure of Kevin’s hand holding mine. I try to turn my head, but nothing works—not neck, not arms, not legs.
Am I lying down? Yes, I must be, even though I feel nothing beneath me. I don’t know where I am, but I’m not afraid. Kevin’s hand squeezes mine and I wonder if this is what it feels like to die, to be dead. I’d like to open my eyes, but they don’t open. Or they do, but there is nothing to see.
Kevin squeezes harder and I want to tell him to stop but I can’t speak. The whiteness around me begins to throb; it moves in, retreats, then pushes toward me again. My hand hurts now, Kevin squeezes so hard I fear he might crack a bone. Why won’t he stop? Doesn’t he know he’s hurting me? The whiteness pulses and grows brighter, in and out, back and forth until it is a pinpoint of light. I try to cry out as Kevin’s grip increases, snapping bones. I want to scream.
I awoke on the kitchen floor. Even before I tried to move, I knew I was in pain. I was on my side, my arm pinned beneath me, my hand tingling from resting at an odd angle. My head throbbed. My neck was held in place with pins of agony. I straightened my left leg and felt my joints push back. My hand looked red and swollen. I rotated my wrist, relieved nothing was broken.
In slow, clumsy movements, like a turtle trying to stand erect, I pushed myself up onto my knees, then I grabbed the edge of the countertop and hauled my body up. For a moment the spots returned behind my eyes. Popping, obscene colors of anger and lies. Panic rushed into my lungs as I clutched the counter. Fresh tears bubbled from my eyes and spilled, headlong, onto the floor. I felt as if I’d been beaten with fists rather than words. I touched my lips, half expecting to see blood on my fingertips.
I shuffled to the living room and lay down, sinking deep into the sofa cushions. I picked up a pillow and held it.
What if it started again? What if Kevin’s voice came back, angry and punishing? The thought terrified me, but I listened anyway. Maybe I could talk to him and make him understand.
Why? Why did he say those things? I opened my mouth to call his name, but stopped. What if he answered? What if he didn’t? I wasn’t sure which would be worse.
There was no trying to tell myself it was all my imagination, a dream, a hoax created by my unconscious or painkillers. Kevin’s voice was powerfully real. A force inextricably joined to me. Unbreakable. Isn’t that what Eliza had told me? We’re all connected, she had said. To each other, and to the spiritual realm. Kevin was proving there was no uncoupling, not even in death. We were bound by unseen ropes as real as iron.
When Eliza Campbell had first told me of this idea of being eternally connected to Kevin, it had helped ease some of the grief. Now I was terrified. I didn’t want to be tied to this Kevin who screamed at me, pummeled me with vile words of hate.
What had Maggie said to me on her first visit? Things can get much worse. I hadn’t understood what she meant then, but I did now. She was right. I was smack in the center of worse.
I sat up, feet on the floor. My body cried out in protest. I needed to take something for the pain.
In the kitchen I reached for the bottle of codeine and selected a pill.
“Whore.” Kevin’s bark echoed through the room, bounced off the walls and knocked me off balance.
The bottle dropped from my hand and the pills scattered everywhere. My mind chanted a mantra, “No, no, please God, no.”
I had to get to the phone. I took a step and heard a sharp popping sound. I jerked my foot up, as quickly as if I’d been shot. On the floor, a crushed codeine pill. My heart pounded. I picked my way through the maze of painkillers as if it was a minefield. “Liar,” Kevin bellowed, his voice reverberating through my skull.
I screamed.