Wednesday 08:15
I can see it even if he can’t.
The pretty junior detective clearly has some sort of crush on Jack, and although we are no longer married, it still feels very strange to watch. Uncomfortable and mildly distressing, to be honest. I’m not naïve. I’m fully aware that he must have moved on with his life in more ways than one since we stopped living together, but seeing another woman looking at him like that still makes me want to scratch her eyes out. While nobody is watching, I slip away into the woods. I head towards the exact same spot where Rachel and I would sometimes bunk off lessons to hang out.
I was aware that the other girls in our little gang – Helen Wang and Zoe Harper – were becoming increasingly jealous of the amount of time Rachel and I were spending together. They didn’t do a very good job of hiding it, not that I cared. I’d never even been kissed by a boy let alone a girl before, and for the first time in my life, I felt pretty.
After a couple of months, I was already falling behind with my studies. We’d been spending too many nights staying at each other’s houses, or going shopping – for clothes only Rachel could afford to buy – or hiding in the woods at the back of the school together, when we should have been in class. I was willing to do whatever I could to make her like me, always afraid she might stop. Then my mother found out that I’d got an F in English, because of failing to hand in an essay on time.
I’d always been a straight-A student before that. Mum was more upset than I had ever seen her and grounded me for two weeks. She had promised I could have a party for my sixteenth birthday – just a few of the girls round to our house – and this meant I would have to cancel. I did not take the news well.
Rachel insisted that she could fix things and that Helen would help. She marched right up to her the following morning before registration.
‘We need you to write our English essays for Monday, as well as your own. You always get A grades and we both need one, otherwise Anna won’t be allowed to have her birthday party next weekend.’
She brushed a stray wisp of Helen’s shiny black hair behind her ear as she said it, and I felt strangely jealous.
‘Can’t. I’m busy,’ Helen replied, looking back down at her maths textbook, cramming for our latest test.
Rachel folded her arms and tilted her head to one side, the way she always did on the rare occasions when she didn’t get her own way. Then she closed Helen’s book for her.
‘So, change your plans.’
‘I said no.’
Helen had become increasingly cranky since I started at St Hilary’s. She spent more time studying or writing for the school newspaper than ever before, and had lost a dramatic amount of weight. I guessed the diet pills really did work, plus I hardly ever saw her eat.
‘Why don’t you have a think about it?’ Rachel said, wearing one of her best smiles.
To my surprise, on Monday morning Helen gave us two essays that were bound to have been better than anything we could have come up with ourselves. They were written in two different sets of handwriting, each of which looked remarkably like our own.
‘Are you sure this is OK?’ I asked Helen.
‘I’m sure you’ll get the grade you deserve,’ she said, then walked away, disappearing down the corridor without another word.
I had always done my own homework before, and this was all new to me.
‘Should we check them?’ I asked Rachel, but she just smiled.
‘Why bother? Helen is so good at knowing what teachers want, I expect she’ll be one herself when she’s older. “Miss Wang.” I can already picture her sitting in the headmistress’s chair during school assembly! Can’t you?’
It was true. Helen was always exceptionally clever, but she was a liar too.
We handed in our essays to Mr Richardson at the end of our English class. He was a bespectacled spindle of a man, short on hair and patience. The whole school knew that he had aspirations of becoming a writer of literature one day, rather than a teacher of it. He was known for collecting first editions of books, dandruff, and teenage enemies. All the girls hated him, and often flicked ink from their fountain pens onto the back of his shirt when he wrote on the blackboard. The way he looked at Rachel when she gave him her essay made me feel strange. It was like seeing an elderly lame dog drooling over a leg of lamb in a butcher’s window.
The bell rang for lunch, but while everyone else headed for the dining room, Rachel dragged me in the other direction.
‘Come on, I’ve got you a little present, but you have to open it in private.’
She took me by the hand, her fingers entwining themselves with my own. It was something lots of girls did at school, but when Rachel held mine it always felt special, as though I had been chosen.
She led me to the toilets where we walked right into Catherine Kelly. Her long white blonde hair was a turbulent mess of tangled knots. Her skin was even paler than usual, with a cluster of angry-looking red pimples on her chin. Her patchy eyebrows were almost completely bald – she was literally pulling out tiny pieces of herself and throwing them away. I could see why someone like Rachel wouldn’t like her very much, they were complete opposites.
‘Stand by the door, skank, and make sure nobody else comes in here. If you don’t, I’ll do something far worse than making you drink piss out of a Coke can.’
It was the one side of Rachel’s character I disliked – the way she picked on Catherine – but I had reached the conclusion that there must be a very good reason for it, even if I didn’t know what that was.
Rachel dragged me into a cubicle and closed the door.
‘Take your shirt off,’ she said.
‘What?’
I was fully aware that Catherine could hear every word.
‘Don’t worry, Dumbo and her big ears won’t listen if I tell her not to,’ Rachel replied. ‘Take it off.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I told you to.’
We had fooled around in our bedrooms and in the woods by then, but it was always dark. Although I had seen Rachel naked more times than I could remember, I still felt shy about her seeing my body. When I didn’t move or answer, she smiled and started to undo the buttons of my shirt for me. I let her, just like I’d been letting her do all the things she had wanted to. Even when they hurt.
As soon as my shirt was off, she slipped her hands behind my back and unclasped my bra. I tried to cover my breasts, but she pushed my fingers away, before reaching into her bag and producing a black lacy bra for me to wear instead. I had never worn anything like it – my mother still bought all my underwear, and it was inevitably white, cotton and purchased in Marks & Spencer – this was something a woman would wear.
‘It’s a Wonderbra! I never wear anything else now, you’re going to love it,’ said Rachel, putting it on me like a child dressing their favourite doll.
To my horror, she took a picture on her disposable camera of my breasts in their new outfit, then opened the door and pushed me out of the cubicle. Catherine Kelly just stared at the floor, so I peered at my reflection in the mirror. It was like looking at someone else.
‘Look how much bigger they are now!’ Rachel said, then frowned at my face.
‘What?’ I asked.
‘Your lips are all chapped. That’s no good.’
She took a tiny tin of strawberry-flavoured lip balm out of her bag, and slowly applied some to my lips with her fingertip.
‘Does that feel better?’ she asked, and I nodded. ‘Let me see,’ she said, and kissed me.
She had her back to Catherine, but I didn’t. And I was more than a little disturbed by the way the girl stared at us the entire time Rachel’s lips were on mine. I stood as still as a statue while she pushed her tongue inside my mouth, fully aware that someone was watching.
‘Don’t worry about her,’ said Rachel, glancing over her shoulder. ‘She won’t tell anyone, will you, skank?’
Catherine shook her head, and when Rachel kissed me again, I closed my eyes and kissed her back.