Him

I’ll admit that looking after a toddler on my own was far harder than I ever anticipated, but I’m coping. I think. Just about. I relied quite heavily on neighbours and the kindness of strangers those first few weeks. There were people who knew my niece far better than I did, through nursery and various classes my sister used to take her to. They were a huge help, but it was still difficult. Things are getting easier, and the new normal is starting to feel like a good fit.

The first thing I did after Zoe’s funeral was sell my parents’ house. It wasn’t easy; buyers weren’t too keen on a rural family home where someone was murdered in the bathtub. But it sold eventually – for far less than it was worth – to a development company who will no doubt knock it down. I can live with that though. Sometimes starting again is the only option.

Work was pretty understanding. I was given compassionate leave and then allowed to apply for a part-time position in London; a new role I suspect my old boss might have created just for me. Human beings are most empathetic when bad things happen to people they know. Perhaps because when the unthinkable happens to friends or family, it makes you realise it could happen to you. I just knew I had to get away from Blackdown, for good this time, and I’m pleased that they managed to find such a wonderful replacement to head up the MCT unit in my absence. Priya will do a great job, and she deserves the promotion.

It isn’t all good.

I have my fair share of dark times, and there are things I have seen that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I try not to think about what I’ve lost.

For now, all I can do is take one day at a time, and try to hold on to what I’ve got left.

Sometimes you have to lose a lot to remember how much you have.