Looking back, it definitely seems like the universe, or whatever you want to call it, had a sense of humour. April Fool’s Day is when I awoke. When I got home that night from a mutual aid group I really didn’t know what was going on. The only thing I knew was that I didn’t want to use alcohol or drugs to deal with my illness. I didn’t sleep much that night; my head was a mess. I was detoxing and sweating and shaking. I didn’t care. I thought at least the shit is getting out of my body. Frankly I knew I couldn’t control my life or my illness. I surrendered to the fact that I was powerless over the addiction and I would not ever be able to control it or even get healthy again without first tackling the drugs and the drink. What started as a way of dealing with the illness became an illness in itself. I knew something had definitely changed, but I hadn’t a clue what it was and I wasn’t about to rock the boat trying to find out.
I kept busy. That weekend I attended more mutual aid meetings. I knew the answer to addiction was inside those rooms and I knew dealing with the addiction would lead me to dealing with the PTSD. I couldn’t fight the two enemies at the same time; I had to deal with the clear and present danger that was drug addiction. Nothing else would get fixed without first sorting this. I knew I had to walk a tightrope in recovery. I also knew that some spiritual awakening had happened. Something just gave inside me and I knew I had to grab this chance with everything I had. Four days’ detoxing without any substances. It was erratic. I didn’t care. I knew I was getting better minute by minute. On the fifth day, I stopped smoking cigarettes. I thought, sod it; I don’t want no damaging chemicals inside my head. I knew the PTSD and psychosis could flare up and I wanted to begin to rebalance everything and give my body, mind and spirit the best chance of healing.
One week clean and I cut out caffeine and sugar. During the day, I would be researching all forms of information on diet and so on. What would work to retrain the brain. I found out that 2 per cent of our decisions are made consciously and 94 to 96 per cent take place subconsciously. That’s why advertising is aimed at the subconscious mind. I also found out that the subconscious mind cannot discern what is real or not. Hence when you have nightmares and flashbacks about ordeals in the past, to your body and mind it is real: you’re full of adrenaline and other chemicals, sweating and so on. I knew I was sweating from the detoxing and the nightmares and my mind was in a poor state from sleep deprivation, but I had faith and belief that with an uber-strict rehabilitation programme I would make it out. One week turned into two weeks. Now I was attending meetings twice daily. I would do one to two hours guided meditation for various things like letting go of thoughts, to quieten the over-thinking and anxiety. Basically, it was just what a shrink would do but it was only me laid out on the sofa listening to YouTube. Same message, just a different delivery system. I made it to a month clean.
I felt a little more stable so I contacted my GP and asked for a referral for my non-visible injuries. I knew they would prescribe strong medication again. I was scared my addiction would take over. For me, I knew that taking substances to escape the reality of the situation could migrate to the misuse of prescribed medication; in fact, it was easier to justify as these were from a health professional and you were taking action to assist your recovery. Still, the danger is the same. You build up a tolerance and want more and more to get the same effect; it’s a vicious circle and you are still nowhere near to sorting the real issues but now have an additional problem to deal with: addiction to the medication. The incentive to tackle the non-visible injuries is lost as you won’t tackle the non-visible injuries because that’s where the supply of drugs can be accessed. However, I knew I needed to be responsible, to make contact with health professionals and seek their help through the process, but after what I’d been through it was difficult.
I saw a community mental health nurse first. I think it was her first experience of a war veteran. It was my first time with a health professional in a while. The anger inside me was brutal, not towards her but those that came before her. I knew this wasn’t healthy. There had been delays in getting my medical records and I thought here we go again. I was booked in to see the psychiatrist the following week or so. The NHS is stretched and the process was slow, but I said to myself I’m not going back to where I’ve been; I’m six weeks clean and I’m making progress. Whatever it would take I was going to bloody mend by any means possible. The quack asked the usual bullshit questions. I really didn’t want to be there. The anger was seething, but that was just from all the past experience. I had no animosity towards these people. I just didn’t trust the system. I went straight to the pharmacy to get my medication. At home, I sat and stared at the box of very strong tablets; I knew what they were like, what effect they would have on me.
I took one out of the packet and I remembered the last time, sitting on the sofa dribbling, slowly dying inside. I put it back in the wrapper and placed the medication in the drawer. I made the decision to do this without medication. I knew I would only abuse the medication so early on in addiction recovery. I really didn’t want any mood-altering substances or chemicals affecting my mind. I had had a lifetime’s worth of that shit. I had the determination and belief that recovery could and would be done without chemicals. I was only going to be taking the medication prescribed by the doctor for a few months and then they would assess if I was ready for therapy. If not, more pills, more ills. I thought fuck this, I’m going to make it and show them all I can do this for myself.
I made it ten weeks clean and visited the psychiatrist again. I owned up to the fact that I hadn’t taken the medication; I couldn’t lie to them. I just was completely honest. I brought in the medication and showed her none had been consumed and I didn’t want it. I had calmed down a lot and she did note this. I also had a stable regime of exercise, good diet, meditation and guided meditation. I knew the only person who was going to fix me was me. There was no way they could talk me into anything, not after what had happened with the treatment at Combat Stress. The private consultant I had been seeing who had diagnosed me with the nervous breakdown, on top of everything else, concluded that I was immune to treatment; the effect of the mistreatment at Combat Stress and by the MOD. I would not be able to be talked round into believing anything that came out of their mouths and he was right. He was pushing for me to get electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), which is basically electric shocks delivered to trigger a seizure. There would be a good chance that it would wipe my memory. I had plenty of good memories and the bad ones were acceptable so I wanted to keep the good ones. So I had nothing to lose. I told the shrink that I was on a spiritual path and it was like an awakening, and after years of hardship things were moving in the right direction. Talking about that to a psychiatrist is like recommending the competition. I even joked with her that she could do with an invisible friend in her life. Oh, her pen was going crazy taking notes. I just laughed. Sod it, I deserved to smile.
She said she would be in contact to arrange another appointment. I was open to anything; life was looking up. Positive things were starting to happen. I mean I didn’t watch television either. I had nothing going into my body apart from recovery in some form or another. I became partly vegetarian, eating only fish and dairy products. You name it, I would try it to see if it would help. If it did, I stuck with it. If it didn’t, I dropped it. I was working on my recovery from addiction and on recovery from war. I felt strong even though it was now coming up to three months of being clean. I had been giving this a lot of thought during this time. How come it worked this time and what had changed? I know I had been dreaming of getting better and putting real emotion into that. I knew the one thing that had driven me even during the darkest days was that I would get better so I could help others or at least right the wrong of the way veterans were being treated. I decided that I was going to write down my story and where and what I had been through to inspire others and also to shed some light on what is happening to veterans with non-visible injuries; make the public more aware. It would be part of my treatment. It’s just what you would do with a therapist anyway, so why not do my recovery through a book and show others it can be done if you really want to do it?
I started writing this book when I was ninety days clean. So here I was in treatment for addiction, trying alternative and standard treatments for non-visible injuries, making my own way and I thought, I know; why don’t I just add writing a memoir to it? I know it may sound crazy but I knew it was what I should do. It’s hard to explain but I felt, and I still do, that everything I had endured was for a reason and that reason was that I could make a difference to others going through the recovery from non-visible injuries or whatever has caused you suffering in your life. I used to be first in the door or lead scout in my patrol in war. This is no different: I was taking the fight to the enemy in my mind, leading the way and inspiring others.
If I can do it then there is no reason others can’t. There are many, many people that have to deal with addiction and non-visible injuries who, for them too, medication is not the option. I chose a spiritual and holistic path and believe that nothing compares to it. To know you can get through anything, it’s just about breaking down that initial door. Knowing where to start and that there is peace, even joy, on the other side. The negativity of illness keeps you down, but if you start dreaming and see yourself as better in the future that’s the start. It may take quite some time or it may be quick, but you have got to see yourself on the other side of this. That’s why I’ve always called it a non-visible injury; it’s the mindset. You can’t see it and an injury is only temporary. I knew it was only temporary. It was hell on earth but I had faith in myself. Time after time. Fall after fall. Recall what I swore before God in that meeting with Combat Stress: ‘I have seen too many good men blown to bits or shot to shit to roll over and play dead’, and so have you. You have not gone through whatever trauma in your life just to be a victim. Make a firm decision: no matter how goddam hard it gets, no matter how tough it becomes, I’m bloody well going to make it. Don’t ever stop saying it until it happens.
In my early recovery, I attended a day-care centre to get me out of isolation; it was uncomfortable and a lot of the time I didn’t want to be there but I persevered with it. I knew it would be beneficial. I was willing to try it. My mind started to open. I would see solutions, not problems. Initially I was a critic, even of myself, but with time the doubt goes away. I was introduced to reflexology. The lady, Tina, who started working with me when I was only two weeks into my self-treatment, opened up the energy to start healing myself. It was one tool I used. I use many, many tools; whatever works. I got creative about what I needed to do and how to do it. I stumbled across a book by Bob Proctor, The Art of Living. It explains a little about the universal laws that govern everything we do. I started studying these laws so as to practise them in my day-to-day life. It is an ongoing process, but they are paying dividends already.
I hadn’t the first clue about how to write a book but I knew I would do it. That’s where everything starts. It starts with a decision. Once you get that desire entrenched into your mind you start to open up to ways and means of bringing that desire into reality. A lot of the stuff I was studying I had been doing already throughout my life. I just focused my energy. I disciplined my emotions. I wanted to write so I placed myself around writers, joined a writers’ circle, visited writing events and libraries, just to immerse myself in the craft. I purchased a simple book titled How to Write a Book ASAP, that was the main mentor for me in achieving this. I followed the instructions step by step. Like my recovery and treatment, step by step, day by day. It’s good to look at the whole picture. Yes, picture yourself at your destination or whatever task or goal you want to achieve and then instead of the usual question, ‘Can I do this?’, reframe your thoughts. Anyone can do it. It is more a question of ‘Do you want to do it?’ If so, then ask yourself, ‘How do I do this?’
You start at the finish line and then work back to where you are now. Then there you have it: a step-by-step plan on how to achieve your goal. Then you make it into the only thing you desire. It will build and when you keep working on it, keep pushing through the barriers and hardships, doors open, things come to you out of the blue. It is truly that simple. Just believe it, see it, feel yourself in the place you want to be and it will manifest, but you must be disciplined, precise and relentless. I commenced studying about living in the now, not what we all do in either living in the past or the future but in the here and now. I studied Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now. There is an abundance of messages and literature out there for you, if you’re ready for it. Make no mistake, nothing will be revealed to you that you’re not ready for.
For veterans or anyone else who needs to heal, anyone who has had their peace stolen from them and had it replaced with a war inside your head, the most important thing I learned and continue to learn in recovery and try to practise is to find other veterans or people with whom you can identify and with whom you have a common bond. Listen and learn from them. Share your story: what you did to get you through; what works for you. When you share your peace with others, you will receive it back in bucketloads. I feel I am truly blessed to have gone through all of that so I can help others with it. People can identify with what I’ve been through and when I talk to people they are open-minded to my suggestions. That’s a great gift. To help save people’s lives. I struggled deeply with that aspect of war for quite some time. During my time in war I had heard other lads on about my kill count and so on. In the end, I stopped counting; I knew it would be a bittersweet pill.
There are many aspects of war with which we all must make peace. When you change your outlook and start to rationalize it in a positive manner, the one great emotion is gratitude. I started feeling gratitude for being alive and wanting to be alive. Gratitude for my recovery and gratitude for being able to help others in recovery. I reached out to veterans’ charities to give back and continue to do so. I reached out to people suffering from addiction to give something back and continue to do so. I will continue to give back to those that need it. My life is amazing. For too long I thought I had lost it all. That life was unfair. I was full of guilt and shame about being ill and the mistreatment I suffered, blaming everybody and everything for where I was in my life, but I do not give myself a hard time about it and nor should you. When you are in negativity you draw more of that in and it is difficult to break out, but you can do it in small steps. You will probably fail many times but that is where the growth is at. That is where your pain will drive you onwards to change. I embraced my pain; it drove me onwards at the start for all the wrong reasons but you can only work with the tools you have. As I progressed and started to realize that it is an inner journey, that’s what life is about, it is about being inner-directed, not letting whatever your present circumstances are get to you. Start to concentrate on working on yourself from the inside out and in no time the outside changes automatically, but with as anything new it takes repetitive practice. Like any skill it is through constant perseverance that it becomes second nature; it must be ingrained in your subconscious mind for it to take effect, so I knew I had to try to let go of the past.
What’s done is done. I’ve moved on now. In life, everyone plays their part; even those who do wrong have their part to play. I don’t hold any grudge against any institution or agency because I know it’s not the ideas or institutions that are the issue, it’s the people within them. Not all but quite a few, and they need to be held accountable in a fair and democratic society. We went to war to uphold values like this. I’m certainly not going to abandon them when one feels the need for revenge. That anger, pain and resentment against those who have wronged or harmed you, it only grows darker and darker inside you until you’re a sheer burning hell of torment; you may not be ready yet but even knowing you will do what I did will help in the long run. I forgave those who had wronged me. I let go to grow; not for them but for my peace, my mind, my soul. Don’t fret if that is absolutely the last thing you want to do with anyone yet. Hey, my friend, I would have skinned them alive, boiled them and watched while eating popcorn, so I understand. Yet in the end it won’t do you any good; it will only cause you harm and you will live in the torment for longer. When you’re ready it will pass, my friend.
Now I see all that as a huge gift. I am humbled by my experience and because of that experience I can now save lives, not take lives. Because of that gift, I can overcome anything, anywhere, anytime. I got back my faith in myself and in others and in everything. I am unbreakable. I am unstoppable. Just think for a minute, my friend, when in your life did you decide to become a victim? When did you decide that you would let everything beat you? When did you decide you don’t want to do anything? It’s up to you what you want to do. There is nothing different about any of us. The only difference is our mindset.
To veterans I say this: yes, war can be shit at times but it can also be a wonderful place. Remember those acts of courage, of kindness, acts of camaraderie. I’ve seen the very worst of what we humans can do, but I’ve also witnessed the very best. There was no charity, no politician, no banker, nobody but us on the battlefield. We didn’t think about them or need them when it was our time to stand. We certainly don’t need to rely on them entirely now.
Yes, access those services to get treatment or for whatever reason, but nobody is going to fix you. It’s you who fixes you. Stop thinking of this post-traumatic stress. I think, therefore I am. Yes, we have been through trauma but I’m not going to let this keep me down. I’m not going to let this ruin my life. I’m not going to play the same shit over and over again any more. I’m coming back. I’m going to be better. I’m going to heal myself. I’m going to be stronger as a result of this, not weaker. The two most important words you will ever know are I AM. What you put after I AM is up to you. I am a veteran. Okay, that’s fine, so what are you going to do? Yes, we are veterans but that’s a part of us, not all of us. What are you going to be after you come home from war, once you free yourself from the war in your mind? The writer Mark Twain quoted: ‘The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.’ Most people on the planet never ask why they are here, so here I will do it for you. Why are you here? It is a simple question, but boy does it resonate with you. Please keep looking for the answer until you find it and once you do, go after it. The bottom of the heap of life is full of people who don’t want to empower themselves, waiting for someone or something to save them. Look at nature; does anything in nature wait to be saved? No, it does what it can in preparing and evolving. If it does not, it withers, dies and is cast away in the ground to be reused by something else. Life is fair: if you put bugger all in, you will get bugger all out.
For those still in the trenches, all I can say is this: I was there, my friend. It is getting better. While there is breath in your body, you’re still in the fight. You may have been knocked down, but you ain’t knocked out. Many of us have been where you are right now. There is a way out and it starts with accepting your situation and then doing something about it. Keep telling yourself, I am going to make it, because sooner or later you will if you just have belief in yourself. Finally, help end the bullshit. Once you have healed yourself, get out and help others and pass on the message of recovery. Also, let’s begin to call this illness non-visible injury. It’s all in the mindset. Change your life. Change your world. Change your mind. Turn Trauma into Triumph.