Our habitual ways of thinking profoundly affect our emotions for good or bad. Say you make a mistake. You might think, I should have known better. I always mess things up! I’m so stupid. Or, you might think, I think I can do better. I wonder how I could improve. These two thinking styles lead to very different emotions. This chapter will help you manage emotions by learning how to replace thoughts that promote distressing emotions with calmer, more upbeat thoughts.
In the 1960s, a new form of treatment, cognitive therapy, was developed to help depressed people identify, challenge, and replace distressing thought patterns. Since that time, cognitive therapy has become a mainstream treatment for anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, low self-esteem, and many other stress-related conditions. When the skills of cognitive therapy are taught outside of clinical settings, as we’ll do now, the method is called cognitive restructuring. This method has great utility for managing distressing emotions in everyday life.
The ABC model of cognitive restructuring developed by psychologist Albert Ellis is straightforward and logical:
A
B
C
Adversity
Beliefs (or self-talk)
Consequences
The A stands for “adversity,” or a challenging situation. Most people think that A leads directly to C, emotional “consequences.” In reality it is B, the “beliefs” or thoughts we tell ourselves, that has the greater influence.
Beliefs are sometimes called automatic thoughts because they arise so quickly that we hardly stop to notice them, let alone test them for reasonableness. When automatic thoughts are unreasonably negative, they are called distortions. (Psychiatrist Aaron Beck originated the terms automatic thoughts and distortions, originally described the distortions we’ll discuss, and developed the daily thought record.) Distortions commonly cause or maintain stress symptoms. Because we are human and imperfect, we’ve all picked up some distorted thought patterns from family, friends, media, school, and so on. Through practice we can learn more productive ways of thinking—resulting in less emotional disturbance and better health and functioning.
The good news is that there are only a handful of distortions linked to everything from traumatic stress to everyday stress. When we get skilled at quickly recognizing our own distortions, challenging them, and replacing them, we gain much control over our emotions. This also helps to regulate arousal.
The Distortions
Here are the distortions, along with calmer replacement thoughts. Learn these distortions well, so that under pressure you can readily catch yourself using them and then quickly replace them with calmer, more functional thoughts.
Flaw fixation: Zooming in on what is wrong, or what went wrong, and ignoring the positive aspects (All I can think about is my screwup. How can I enjoy this day when I messed up? Look at what you did wrong!). Instead, try thinking more functionally: I won’t allow a negative element to overshadow all the good fortune around me. Ask yourself: “Is it really the negative element that is ruining things for me, or my choice to dwell on it? What could I focus on that I enjoy? What would I see if I were having a better day? What isn’t wrong?”
Dismissing the positive: Negating the positives that might otherwise lift your mood and self-esteem (for example, saying “Oh, anyone could have done that—it’s no big deal,” rather than “I did a good job under the circumstances.”). Instead of “Yes, but I could have done better,” say thanks, and think, Yes, I really do deserve some credit for juggling so many demands, getting all these difficult tasks done, working hard, and getting some things right. See which approach motivates you more.
Assuming (or jumping to conclusions without testing the evidence): There are two types of assuming.
Mind reading. Instead of thinking I know he’s angry at me, ask! Check it out with the other person. Think to yourself, Maybe it isn’t so; I won’t know until I ask. Maybe there’s another possibility.
Fortune-telling. Rather than predicting extremes—that you won’t enjoy the party or that you’ll do poorly—expect the middle ground. Think to yourself, I won’t know for sure until I experiment. I’ll probably have some success and enjoyment, as opposed to none. I might even surprise myself. If you tell yourself that things will never get better, try thinking, They might.
Labeling: Giving yourself or another a name or label, as though a single word could describe a complex person completely—“always” and in “every” case (“I am a dud”; “He is a loser”). Instead, rate behavior, not the person (“He is driving poorly”). Remind yourself that no one is always anything (dumb, rude, inept, and so forth), and the person is probably already suffering from her own faults. Ask yourself why someone’s faults should bother you or why you should punish the person further by applying a label. Apply the same standard to yourself.
Overgeneralizing: Concluding that your negative experience applies to all situations (“I always flop”; “I never succeed”; “Everybody hates me—nobody loves me”; “Nowhere is safe”; “Nothing means anything”). When you draw conclusions like this, challenge yourself with questions: “What is the evidence that I never do well and always do poorly?” “What’s the evidence that all people fit this negative profile?” Use words like “sometimes,” “often,” “generally,” “usually,” and “yet” (“I haven’t mastered this yet”). Test the notion that you never do well; experiment and see how well you do (your performance is likely to be somewhere between 0 and 100).
All-or-none thinking: Evaluating yourself or others with extremes—allowing for no middle ground (“I’m a hero or a loser”; “I’m on top or a flop”). Instead, rate performance or behavior, not people (“I only batted .300 today—my performance wasn’t so hot”). A baby has worth, even though he or she doesn’t perform well. Ask yourself, “Why must I bat 1000?” Accept the fact that those who don’t win gold medals are not worthless, just human. (In fact, it has been found that athletes who aim for an excellent job perform better than those who shoot for perfection.) Remember that all people have both strengths and weakness at the same time, and yet they still have worth. Enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you did your best, even if the outcome falls short of perfection.
Unfavorable comparison: Magnifying another’s strengths and your weaknesses, while minimizing your strengths and another’s weaknesses (“Bill is brilliant. I’m just average. Sure, he has a drinking problem and lots of people like me, but he’s the one who really gets things done”). To counter this distortion, don’t compare yourself with others. Allow that each person is different and contributes in unique ways according to unique strengths. The contribution of a frontline soldier; a nurse, or a homemaker is no less valuable than that of a commander, doctor, or CEO, it’s just different.
Catastrophizing: Making things much worse than they really are. (“This is awful and horrible. It couldn’t be worse. I can’t stand this!”) Instead, you might think: Things really could be much worse, and I can bear this, even if I don’t like the inconvenience. If I choose to face the difficulty of this challenge instead of avoiding it, I’ll probably figure out a way to deal with it. To counter catastrophizing, ask yourself questions: “What are the odds of this ‘awful’ thing happening? If it does happen, how likely is it to do me in? How well am I preparing for coping with this situation?” Remind yourself that you’re probably coping somewhere in the middle, not at 0.
Emotional logic: Believing your feelings “prove” that things are as bad as they seem (“I feel too bad, inadequate, or tired to move. Therefore, I must be inadequate, incapable, unlovable, a loser,” and so on). Remember that emotions are signals of upset, not statements of fact. Acknowledge the feelings, and remind yourself that feelings change. Think to yourself, Isn’t it interesting that I’m experiencing this strong emotion. Don’t go ballistic. It might change with rest, exercise, time, or experience. If you feel worthless or bad, try to put a number to the reality. For example, asking yourself, What would 100 percent worthless or bad be? helps you avoid all-or-none thinking.
Should statements: Making rigid, unchallenged demands of ourselves and the world (He should know better. He must not behave that way. I ought not to tire, be imperfect, get depressed, or be afraid and stressed about this.). Challenge this type of thinking: At least some of the problem is my expectation that the world agree with my perfectionistic expectations. People really are just the way they should be, given their beliefs, distortions, experience, and upbringing, and it’s foolish to demand they be otherwise. It would be nice if they were different, and maybe I could influence them to change. In fact, maybe I would motivate myself more effectively if I used more “woulds,” “coulds,” and “want-tos” (“I would like to improve, and want to, rather than I should”).
Personalizing: Seeing yourself as more responsible or involved than you really are (“It’s all my fault that my son is failing in school”; “That guy is trying to irritate me”). Distinguish influences from causes. Look realistically for influences outside of yourself. Instead of thinking What’s wrong with me? try thinking The test was hard or I didn’t prepare adequately or I was tired from working overtime. In other words, focus on behavior and externals without judging yourself. Also, try to depersonalize (“Maybe I’m not the central figure in the other person’s drama today”).
Blaming: Putting all responsibility on externals, which makes us feel helpless (“This job is ruining my life and turning me cynical”; “I’m the way I am because of my crummy childhood”). Acknowledge outside influences, but take responsibility for your own welfare. (“Okay, I understand how these things have influenced me. Now I commit to get back on track and move on.” Or, “Nothing makes me do anything—I choose how I respond.”)
Did you notice any distortions that you frequently use? Were there any you’ve heard your family members use? Perhaps you could circle those distortions above that you commonly use or heard growing up.
Identify-and-Replace Drill
The first column in the following table lists thoughts that might go through your mind. As an exercise, cover up the second and third columns and see if you can first identify the distortion in the thought and why it’s problematic, and then replace the original thought with a calm thought. The third column lists only some calm thoughts. There might be others. Working alone or with a partner, see if you can discover more options that might be useful under pressure.
Thought
Distortion and Comment
Calmer Replacement Thoughts
My worth equals my wages. (If I don’t earn a certain amount, my worth is in question.)
All-or-none thinking
This can lead to excessive overtime, which strains the family, or materialism, which is linked to depression.
My worth as a person is innate and independent of my salary.
It’s awful to be mediocre.
Catastrophizing
This can lead to fear-driven anxiety and perfectionism.
Half of all spouses, parents, cops, soldiers, and brain surgeons are below average. I’ll be the best I can and not worry about keeping score.
I’m invincible.
Labeling (albeit a positive one)
What happens when you realize you’re not?
I’m a vulnerable, fallible human—and still capable of very good work.
A mistake means I’m inept.
All-or-none thinking
It’s impossible to live without making mistakes or upsetting people.
A mistake makes me human, just like the people I admire most. I’ll do my best and not get too attached to the outcome.
Nobody can relate to what I’ve been through.
Overgeneralizing
This isolates us and keeps us from allowing others to support us.
Some people might understand. Others might try and perhaps support me imperfectly.
God won’t forgive me for what I did.
Mind reading
This leads to hopelessness.
Where is that written?
Thought
Distortion and Comment
Calmer Replacement Thoughts
I should have stopped him from mistreating me.
Should statement
This gives the illusion of control that we might not have.
I only have the power to do my personal best.
Either I protect all of my charges (family, troops, and so forth), or I’m a failure.
All-or-none thinking
This can create unending sadness and self-recrimination.
I’ll feel satisfaction in knowing that I do everything that I can to protect them, and I recognize that I can’t control everything. Sometimes bad things happen despite all we try to do.
Your dissing me is personal.
Personalizing
This increases anger.
Maybe this is more about his pain and less about me. I don’t need to prove myself to him.
I’m not as capable or brave as Mary.
Unfavorable comparison
Perhaps, but constant comparisons are exhausting.
Why compare? I have different strengths. It would be better to concentrate on doing my best, rather than being the best.
I can’t bear to think about my friend’s death.
Catastrophizing
Then you might not ever grieve your loss and heal.
I’ll carry on, and then deal with my grief later, when it’s appropriate.
I feel so bad about what happened. I must have done something wrong.
Emotional logic
This can lead to unreasonable guilt.
I feel sad about what happened, but I did my best.
That trauma screwed up my life.
Blaming
This creates a helpless victim mentality.
That was a difficult time. I’m going to make the best of that experience.
My anger feels justified. It must be.
Emotional logic
This allows the anger to persist.
Maybe I’m not justified in taking my anger out on everyone, or excusing my bad behavior.
I feel so anxious, I must be going crazy.
Emotional logic
Even those who reach their breaking point usually recover with time and rest.
It’s just a feeling. Feelings change.
I must not show fear. I should do better.
Should statements
Fear happens. It’s normal. Some fear might enhance judgment and performance. Judging the fear doesn’t usually help.
Courage is acknowledging fear and then going ahead. Even if I freeze, I’ll breathe and focus on what I intend to do. All I can do is my best.
To function effectively, I must smother all feelings.
Should statements
It’s not possible to smother feelings. Trying to do so wastes much energy.
I can acknowledge feelings, suppress or calm them when I must perform, and then deal with them later.
Either I’m the Energizer Bunny and put my children’s needs first all the time, or I’m a bad mother.
All-or-none thinking
This can be exhausting.
If I don’t take care of my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, I won’t be of much use to anyone. I’ll strike a balance between their needs and mine.
People always let you down.
Overgeneralizing
This leads to pessimism and distrust.
Sometimes they don’t.
It’s my fault that my wife hasn’t confided in me since she was assaulted—and that I can’t help her.
Personalizing
Many trauma survivors keep things inside for fear of being judged, or they confide only in those who can relate to what they experience.
She may be trying to spare me from worry, or she might fear rejection. I didn’t cause her trauma and I can’t fix it. I can only be as supportive as I can.
Activity: The Daily Thought Record
Remember that distortions pass through our minds automatically and habitually. We have to slow things down in order to catch and replace the distortions. When you feel disturbed by an event, try filling out a daily thought record—a core skill in cognitive restructuring.
On a sheet of paper, make a simplified daily thought record that looks like this. (Figure 5.1 shows a completed daily thought record. Visit http://www.newharbinger.com/39409 for a blank thought record, item 3, that you can photocopy.)
Adversity:
Consequences:
Thoughts
Distortions
Calmer Replacement Thoughts
First, at the top of the page, describe the adversity that triggered your distressing emotions. Then list the emotional consequences—all the feelings you experienced, such as sadness, anger, anxiety, guilt, or disgust. If you are using more than a single word, you’re probably describing thoughts, not feelings. Rate each feeling from 1 to 10, with 10 being as distressing as possible.
In the thoughts column, list each upsetting thought that went through your mind during the event or goes through your mind now as you think about the event. If you find yourself writing questions, convert them to statements; it will be easier to identify distortions that way. When this is done, in the middle column label each distortion that you identify. In the third column, write a calmer replacement thought for each distortion. Then rerate the emotional consequences to see if their intensity decreased somewhat. Even a small shift in intensity is meaningful and can spell the difference between being disturbed (for example, clinical depression or overwhelming sadness) versus feeling upset (such as appropriate sadness).
You can fill out this record at the end of the day, or any other time when things settle down. It can be very effective to try this in pairs, with a partner asking questions, such as “What happened?” “How did that ‘make you’ feel?” “What thoughts went through your mind?” “And what else went through your mind?” “Are any of these thoughts possibly distortions?” “Could this thought possibly be a distortion?” Your partner can then help brainstorm replacement thoughts. In this partner exercise, both individuals get better at replacing distortions with calmer thoughts.
Figure 5.1: Simplified daily thought record
Adversity: The boss unfairly reprimanded me and reassigned me.
I’m consumed by the boss’s unfairness, to the exclusion of the good things about him and the agency. It’s all I can think about.
He shouldn’t be that way.
He’s messing up my life. I’m going to stop trying. I’ll get even.
He has it in for me.
I can’t stand this!
Flaw fixation
Should statement
Blaming
Personalizing
Catastrophizing
What’s left? I can still enjoy other aspects of my life and job.
He is as he is. It would be nice if he were different, but I’ll make myself crazy by getting stuck on the unfairness.
I won’t justify my cynicism or bad behaviors by blaming him. The effects of cynicism and loss of integrity will live on long after I retire.
Maybe he doesn’t.
It will be an adjustment to get used to this new assignment. I’ll view it as a challenge to do some good in a difficult environment.
Getting to the Bottom of Things: Core Beliefs
According to cognitive theorists, replacing distortions lessens psychological symptoms, but the cure for emotional disturbance is replacing what are called core beliefs. Core beliefs typically are acquired early in life, lead to the common distortions, and come in three varieties:
I’m incapable (inadequate, incompetent, inept, powerless, out of control).
I’m worthless (unworthy, bad, of no value, useless, flawed).
I’m not lovable (because I wasn’t loved in the past).
For example, Jann was constantly told by an abusive parent that she was trash by the side of the road. To compensate for the painful feelings this caused her, Jann became a driven overachiever. Her thoughts were: It’s awful to fail. I must not show weakness. I should be perfect. Sadly, her driven pursuit of perfection did not relieve the pain or self-doubt caused by her unchallenged core beliefs.
Core beliefs are uncovered by investigating a distorted automatic thought. For example, Jann chose to work with the persistent thought I should be perfect, asking herself questions, such as
“What does that mean?” (Answer: “I can’t make a mistake.”)
“And what would that mean?” (Answer: “People will think less of me. They’ll reject me.”)
“Assuming that’s true, why would that be so bad? What does that say about me?” (Answer: “I am inadequate.”)
Perhaps you noticed the mind reading and overgeneralizing distortions that became evident in the questioning process. By questioning her thought, Jann uncovered the core belief I am (meaning always and in every way) inadequate, which she could then challenge. She might, for example, identify times in the past when she showed considerable competence in difficult situations. She might also consider her likable traits, and the fact that many imperfect people are nevertheless loved in a healthy way.
Try to uncover your core beliefs. From a completed daily thought record, pick a particularly troubling thought, and ask yourself questions until you ultimately get to the question, “What does that say about me?” This usually leads to the core belief. Then challenge both the core belief and the initial responses to your questions. It can be very useful to do this exercise with a partner, as both of you can gain mastery from the practice.
Conclusion
Isn’t it interesting that only about a dozen distortions cause so much trouble! Once we take the time to notice them, we can persistently replace them with more reasonable thoughts, resulting in less emotional disturbance. This is a skill that anyone can master with practice.