Chapter 7 Self-Compassion

This chapter explains how to use the skill of self-compassion, a short and simple way to deal with difficult emotions and suffering. It extends the practice of mindfulness in a way that softens and helps us bounce back from the pain of personal setbacks.

Do you tend to be hard on yourself? When you encounter difficult times—making a mistake; failing to achieve a goal; being mistreated, rejected, or harshly criticized—are you highly self-critical? Do you fixate on what’s wrong with you and drive yourself to immediately “fix it”? Do you beat yourself up with harsh self-talk in order to keep yourself in line and motivate yourself to do better? Is the way you treat yourself perhaps reminiscent of the way you were treated in the past?

We think we protect and motivate ourselves with such a stern stance. Research is finding, however, that a kinder approach is less stressful and leads to greater growth and resilience.

Dr. Kristin Neff has led the way in self-compassion research. She explains that self-compassion is the Golden Rule in reverse—that is, treating yourself as you would treat a loved one or a good friend when the chips are down and bringing understanding and kindness to difficult times. Three components comprise self-compassion (Neff 2011):

Mindful awareness of distressing emotions: In a calm, nonreactive way, we simply notice what is going on inside of us in the moment. There are no judgments, only acceptance. We actively turn toward the pain, which is the only way we can heal the pain. This is similar to the mindfulness principles we discussed in the previous chapter. To these Dr. Neff adds the two following unique features.

Sense of common humanity: This is the realization that we all suffer; we’re all in the same boat. Walk down any street and behind every door we will find suffering. Each of us yearns to be happy and to not suffer, yet we all stumble at times. We all feel the pain of disappointed dreams, our own imperfections, or the loss of goodwill. Understanding this, we feel a bond with others and realize we are not being singled out. This helps to put our suffering into perspective. We feel less isolated.

Being kind to and supportive of yourself: Rather than harsh criticism or self-condemnation for being imperfect, we respond to our own pain with deep caring, patience, understanding, warmth, and encouragement. It is the stance that says, “You are not alone; I am here for you.” It is more motivating to lead with a carrot than a stick. Fear does not lead to the best performance and growth in the long run.

Can you think for a moment about the kind, caring feelings you might feel toward a close friend who lost a loved one? Or a person on the side of the road, injured in an accident? A dear family member who was humiliated by another? A suffering child? Can you imagine directing this type of kindness toward yourself when times are tough? What would that feel like? The following skill, adapted from Dr. Kristin Neff’s excellent website, http://www.self-compassion.org, is very effective for difficult times that trigger emotional pain or suffering.

Activity: Self-Compassion

Select a moderately difficult event from the past that triggered emotional distress, such as sadness, anger, frustration, shame, self-criticism, rejection, isolation, and so on. (Once you gain comfort with this skill, you can try it with more upsetting situations, or with situations as they occur.)

Permit yourself to bring into full awareness all the difficult emotions and sensations. Don’t brace against them or try to push them away. Just allow them in with a soft and open heart, remembering this phrase: “Whatever it is, let me feel it.” Place your hands warmly over a part of your body that holds the pain, such as your heart or abdomen. As you breathe in, imagine that compassion flows down your body and penetrates and soothes the area that holds the pain. Notice the sensations as you breathe, such as the rising and falling of your abdomen and chest.

With a soft and kind facial expression, perhaps like that of a loving parent, slowly and deliberately repeat these four statements, either silently or aloud:

This is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is a part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I give myself the compassion I need.

Repeat the four statements several more times. As you continue to notice your breathing, feel soothing understanding and kindness filling your heart and body with each breath.

When you have finished, notice if the present moment is somewhat less distressing than a few moments ago. Paradoxically, sometimes this happens when we don’t try to make it happen.

Activity: Practicing Self-Compassion Statements

Memorize these four statements so you can say them in any difficult situation: (1) This is a moment of suffering; (2) Suffering is a part of life; (3) May I be kind to myself in this moment; (4) May I give myself the compassion I need. Notice that the first statement refers to mindful awareness, the second to one’s sense of common humanity, and the last two to being kind to and supportive of yourself. If you prefer, you can replace some of these statements with those of your own choosing, such as those in the following table (Neff 2011).

Mindful Awareness	Sense of Common Humanity	Being Kind to and Supportive of Yourself
This is really difficult, and I’m in need of care. Yes, there is pain. This is hard for me right now.	Many others have suffered like this. Suffering is part of being human. It is normal to feel this way.	May I bring kindness and caring to this pain. I’m so sorry you’re in pain. May I be as understanding with myself as possible. May I accept myself as I am.

Mindful Awareness

Sense of Common Humanity

Being Kind to and Supportive of Yourself

This is really difficult, and I’m in need of care.

Yes, there is pain.

This is hard for me right now.

Many others have suffered like this.

Suffering is part of being human.

It is normal to feel this way.

May I bring kindness and caring to this pain.

I’m so sorry you’re in pain.

May I be as understanding with myself as possible.

May I accept myself as I am.

Try using the four statements you’ve chosen in response to difficult situations you encounter during the week, following the five-step pattern described in the “Self-Compassion” activity. You might record your experience on the log in appendix C.

Conclusion

The self-compassion skill builds upon mindfulness meditation, in that you place your hand over the area of the body that holds emotional pain, and then repeat four self-compassion statements: one that acknowledges and locates the pain, one that reminds you that we are all in the same boat, and two that offer you kind support. This skill offers a kind, gentle way to navigate difficult life circumstances.