Chapter 11

Gratitude

Gratitude, the first happiness skill we’ll cover, has received considerable research attention. Practicing gratitude is more than just being polite. It is noticing—and feeling heartfelt appreciation, awe, and wonder for—all of life’s good things. In addition to increasing happiness, gratitude researchers such as Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough (2003) have found that the intentional practice of gratitude has been found to improve job and relationship satisfaction, sleep, and health (for example, less pain, fatigue, inflammation, and depressive symptoms). Practicing gratitude has even been found to make distressing memories less troubling and less likely to intrude into awareness (Watkins et al. 2008).

Shifting attention to what is good in life counters the tendency to dwell on problems and is a powerful way to lift mood. The more we practice gratitude, the more we find to enjoy. The habit builds on approaching the day with curious interest and optimism (I wonder what I’ll find to enjoy today). Feelings of connection to people increase as we remember shared good times and the traits we appreciate in them. Practicing gratitude has even been found to cause beneficial changes in brain and heart functioning (McCraty and Childre 2004).

How Is Gratitude Cultivated?

Two basic approaches to cultivating gratitude have been tested in the research.

Keep a gratitude journal. Each night list up to five things you are grateful for from the previous twenty-four hours. Briefly describe each—how it makes you feel, what it means to you, and what the goodness is that made the moment turn out well (for example, the goodness of nature, others, God, or yourself). The point is to savor the feelings as you reminisce, so don’t be overly analytical, intellectual, or emotionally detached. Do this for about five minutes each night over a two-week period. Alternatively, pick one night a week and write about five things you are thankful for from the past week. Keep this up for six to ten weeks or longer. Some find that spreading out the journal writing keeps the process fresher. Experiment to find a frequency that works best for you.

Write about anything that makes you happier or enriches your life, big or small. You might write about:

To get the ball rolling, does anything come to mind that you might like to write about?

To strengthen your writing experience, you might add photos, letters, quotations, or other mementos to your journal. You might practice heart coherence—experiencing gratitude for a memory at the heart level. During the day, be on the hunt or alert for things you are grateful for, such as sounds in nature, the aroma of food, or a child’s innocent facial expression.

Write a gratitude letter to someone who has touched your life for the better. This can be especially profound if you have never properly thanked that person. Read the letter aloud in the person’s presence. Writing a gratitude letter tends to give a greater burst of happiness than journal writing, although the happiness boost from journal writing lasts several months longer. This activity makes the other person feel grateful and good, which increases your own happiness.

These are just two of the ways that you can cultivate gratitude. There are many others, such as the following suggestions.

Express gratitude to others frequently. To waitresses, protectors, or people working in businesses, say, “Thanks for your help.” Be genuine and specific (“I really appreciated the way you…”). If service is especially good, tell the supervisor. This makes three people feel good: the appreciated worker, the supervisor, and yourself.

Teachers might especially appreciate this story. Mark Medoff (1986), the playwright and screenwriter of Children of a Lesser God, returned to his school. He introduced himself to a favorite teacher as a student of hers from many years before. She cocked her head, hoping the angle might jog her memory. He wanted to deliver a perfectly worded message. Instead, all he could say was, “I wanted you to know you were important to me.” There in the hallway, this lovely, dignified lady began to weep. She encircled him in her arms and whispered, “Thank you!” before disappearing back into her classroom. Gratitude lifted the spirits of two people that day. The ripple effect undoubtedly benefited the students that day, as well. Remember to thank loved ones often. It strengthens bonds.

Share gratitude experiences with loved ones at the end of the day. It is pleasant to hear about what went well and what has been working. By making time together more enjoyable, this process can strengthen relationships. This is an enjoyable way to tuck children into bed, which also helps them to cultivate the habit of gratitude. You might also ask children how they might thank someone for giving them a gift.
For a short while, give up something that you take for granted. Doing this can help you realize the value of little things. I think of a WWII POW who told me that the deprivation of his prison experience caused him to appreciate a simple piece of chocolate immeasurably. Others told me how being a POW made them cherish freedom even more. Those who “fast” from television often discover greater pleasure in other areas of life.
Increase everyday joy and gratitude. We can build “gratitude inertia” through little efforts. You might try these:
Try grateful reminiscing. The concentration camp survivor Viktor Frankl imagined the face of his beloved wife to preserve his sanity during his imprisonment. Resilient people often reminisce to get through difficult times. Grateful remembering can elevate mood, self-esteem, and positive feelings toward others, the past, and the future—while diminishing the distress of troubling memories. Start by making a list of good memories, from your childhood to the more recent past. Consider especially warm, nostalgic times with people who mattered to you, significant accomplishments, unmerited favors, simple pleasures, and enjoyable moments in nature. For ten to twenty minutes, relax, close your eyes, breathe abdominally, and then immerse yourself in one pleasant memory. Recall as many details of the memory as you can—sensations (what you saw, heard, smelled, tasted, and felt with your body), emotions (where you feel these in your body), and thoughts. Imagine that you are reliving the experience, with all the sensations, feelings, and thoughts. Recall the expression on your face, and let your face experience that expression again. If a negative thought intrudes, such as about something unpleasant that happened later, tell yourself that you won’t let this ruin your experience, and go back to focusing on the pleasant memory. Do this every few days for a variety of memories.

When you finish reliving a memory, you might record the details of the memory in writing. This can help to solidify and reinforce the memory. A written record of happy memories can be a great resource for stressful times. You might find it helpful to refer to reminders of your experience, such as photos or other mementos. You might wish to place these with your written record. If you find that writing becomes too analytical and dampens the emotional experience, then don’t do it.

Find gratitude amidst adversity. Resilient people have many tools in their coping toolbox to help them get through life’s inevitable adversities. Gratitude can be one such tool. It can change our perspective in a way that lifts our spirits and helps us through difficult times. Some people find gratitude amidst suffering. For example, Viktor Frankl appreciated the sunsets he could see through the barbed wire of the concentration camp.
Fill out a gratitude reflection sheet. Some people find that a more structured approach helps them to more fully appreciate and savor the good things in life. Using the form below, list a few things you are grateful for each day. Then indicate how each has benefited you and how your life without it would be less rich. (You may also want to visit http://www.newharbinger.com/39409 and see item 13, which offers a strategy for gratefully processing difficult times.)
I’m grateful for… How this has enriched my life… How life without this would be different…

Before moving on, please take a moment to ponder these reflections:

Be grateful to those who have made you stumble, for they have strengthened your ability. —Chinese master Chin Kung

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. —Epictetus

If you haven’t got all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don’t have that you don’t want. —Anonymous

The pessimist looks at a glass of water and wonders why it isn’t full, why everyone else has more water, and why it isn’t wine. The grateful optimist thinks, “See how beautiful and clear the water is.” —Anonymous

Unless we are grateful for what we have, we’ll never be happy with more. —David Rich

Activity: Practice Gratitude

Reviewing this chapter, pick one or more gratitude activities to try. You might, for example, try one structured and one unstructured activity:

  • Structured activities: Write a gratitude journal, a gratitude letter, or a gratitude reflection sheet or try grateful reminiscing.
  • Unstructured activities: Express gratitude spontaneously to others, talk about what you’re grateful for with others, give up something you take for granted, and be on the watch for things you are grateful for, savoring them during the day or in imagery.

Conclusion

Do you remember the flaw fixation distortion, which keeps your eye on what’s wrong? Gratitude widens your focus to include what’s right, including life’s inexpensive, simple pleasures. Broadening your focus in this way increases happiness, which in turn increases resilience. Gratitude is a great place to start increasing happiness, and the practice particularly relates to the topic of the next chapter, self-esteem.