Being quietly glad to be yourself, feeling securely anchored during the storms of life, knowing that difficult times do not change your basic inner worth—these perspectives suggest why self-esteem is central to happiness and resilience. This chapter will show you what healthy self-esteem is and how to cultivate it.
Around the world, self-esteem is the strongest predictor of happiness, even in countries where individualism is discouraged, such as Korea and Singapore (Diener and Diener 1995; Zhang 2005). Recall from the broaden and build theory (Fredrickson 2009) that happiness increases resilience. We would expect, then, that self-esteem would be linked to resilience. It is in several ways.
Self-esteem is linked to increased persistence and active problem solving in the face of setbacks (see the review in Barker 2007; Dumont and Provost 1999), to motivation to pursue goals (Harter 1986, 1999), and to competent functioning in children living in extremely stressful environments (for example, Cicchetti et al. 1993). In other words, feeling worthwhile motivates us to try our best and persevere under pressure.
Self-esteem is also closely related to mental health. For example, lack of self-esteem predicted anxiety, depression, and PTSD following 9/11 (Boscarino and Adams 2008; Boscarino, Adams, and Figley 2005). On the other hand, having self-esteem protects people from developing depression in highly stressful times (Hobfoll and London 1986; Hobfoll and Walfisch 1984). Lacking the secure anchor of self-esteem is painful. Thus, the links between self-dislike and drug use, suicidal thinking, and excessive stress arousal when threatened are self-evident.
Difficult experiences, such as living with constant criticism, can change the way we view ourselves. Restoring a wholesome sense of identity and self-esteem, then, is an important part of the healing process.
How we define self-esteem is critical. Self-esteem is a realistic, appreciative opinion of oneself. “Realistic” suggests that we are truthfully aware of our strengths and weaknesses. “Appreciative” implies that we have an overall positive regard or feeling about our self—a quiet gladness to be who we are, despite our imperfections.
Self-esteem does not equal perfection. If it did, no one would have it. Often, people who are neurotically driven toward perfection are trying to compensate for a lack of inner security. Self-esteem is not omnipotence or narcissism—the false security that says one is more worthwhile and capable than others and should be on a pedestal. A brittle sense of worth might lead one to overcompensate by having feelings of grandiosity or entitlement. It has been observed that criminals and bullies appear to think themselves superior to others. However, a large study of ten- and eleven-year-olds suggests that this is not the case: the most aggressive children felt left out and bullied, had a negative self-image, and did not enjoy themselves (Sprott and Doob 2000). This is hardly the picture of one with healthy self-esteem. To be mortal is to be imperfect. We can calmly accept that and enjoy progressing, or we can fight this reality by becoming boastful, conceited, or overly competitive—struggling to prove our worth.
Wholesome self-esteem partners with wholesome humility. A person who feels humility recognizes that all people have worth, unique strengths, different viewpoints shaped by life experience, and something valuable to contribute. To be humble is to recognize that we can learn from everyone, and that there will always be people who are more advanced than we are in certain areas. Like self-esteem, humility is grounded in truth. Humble people recognize and celebrate their strengths (without arrogance or boasting) and those of others—while recognizing limitations. Humility readies us to learn from, and cooperate with, others.
Finally, self-esteem is not selfishness. The selfish person cares only for self. The other extreme is to care only for others. A person with wholesome self-esteem has an enlightened “both focus”: a healthy regard and respect for self and others. Inner security frees us to be more conscious of others.
Self-esteem rests upon three pillars, or building blocks. Each pillar suggests ways to grow self-esteem. The first is equal, unconditional worth as a person. While others might have more social or market worth than you or me, human worth comes with birth. Social and market worth might result from externals, such as appearance, health status, education, acquired skills, the house we live in, the car we drive, the clothes or uniform we wear, or the group we belong to. Worth defined by externals can fluctuate—with the stock market, age, popularity, performance, promotions, firings, awards, or the way others treat or label us. By contrast, worth as a person is unchanging and anchored in something deeper—the recognition of who we are at the core. Each person, at birth, comes with a set of core capacities—all the attributes and potential needed to live well. Thus, each person has the capacity to love, learn, sacrifice, enjoy, and contribute. While others might be more advanced in certain areas (for example, math or humor), each individual possesses these core capacities, in embryo, like seeds that can grow. It is the unique mix of strengths that makes one person different from another. Inner worth already exists; it does not need to be created. Fortunate children will learn this from the way their parents treat them. They come to understand that mistakes don’t diminish their inner worth—and thus they don’t fear “failing.” They realize that they are worthwhile—literally worth the time to live well and actualize their potential.
Unconditional love is the second pillar. Ponder how effective parents communicate this to a nursing infant. They nonverbally communicate unconditional love to the child through hugs, smiles, gazes, and soothing sounds. They do not say, “Well, I’ll only love you if you don’t mess your diapers, and by the way I only love you because you will someday represent us in Congress.” Unconditional love, along with a sense of unconditional worth, becomes the secure foundation for the child’s emotional growth. Note that love from others does not make one worthwhile, although it might help one to feel worthwhile. A great task in life is to learn to love unconditionally. If you did not learn how to do this from your parents, you can still learn to unconditionally love yourself. Doing so makes life’s journey so much more enjoyable. There is no survival value whatsoever in self-hatred.
Growing, the third pillar, is the process of actualizing our strengths—coming to flower, if you will. It is the process of becoming more capable, caring, and productive, and of elevating both self and others. Although fruitful living does not create or increase inner worth, it definitely helps us to feel more satisfied with our self and our life course. So we do not grow in order to make ourselves worthwhile; we already are. Rather, we enjoy growing as an expression of who we are. Growing does not mean reaching perfection. Rather, it is the process of doing one’s personal best and feeling the satisfaction of trying. When we see that growing springs from our worth and is not a condition for worth, we become free to grow—to do our best, which is the one thing we can control—with more joy and much less fear of failure. Core worth is the seed; love is the fertilizer.
We cultivate self-esteem by practicing skills that address each of the three pillars. We cultivate a sense of worth by recognizing strengths and capacities that already exist. We increase unconditional love by deciding each day to want and do what is best for self and others. We grow by building upon existing strengths and capacities. The following is a sampling of some of the many effective skills I teach in my courses (Schiraldi 2007a, 2016b; see the general resilience section of recommended resources for additional information on these books).
People with self-esteem are aware of their present, unique mix of strengths and weaknesses in a way that makes them more sure of themselves. Knowing our strengths leads to confidence and motivates us to contribute. Identifying weaker areas helps us to understand our limitations and know when to seek help or invest the energy to improve. The person with self-esteem observes strengths and weaknesses with nonjudgmental curiosity (Isn’t that interesting: there is a strength, and here is a weakness). You might think of people as unique portraits in various stages of completion. Different areas might shine more brightly in different portraits, and for some no particular areas may stand out (this might be the case of a person who is versatile and balanced overall, but not necessarily outstanding in any one area). We look at each portrait with pleasure, relishing the process through which the painting is completed. We view less developed areas as those with the greatest potential for development.
The following activity will help you see clearly, and with appreciation, how you are currently expressing your core worth.
Directions
1. To begin, rate yourself on each of the following personality traits that describe human beings. Using the scale from 0 to 10, for which 0 means a complete and total absence of the trait (that is, you never demonstrate it in the least degree), and 10 means that the trait is completely developed (that is, you demonstrate it as well as a human being possibly can), circle the appropriate rating. Try to be as fair and accurate as you can in your ratings. Neither inflate nor deflate them. Don’t worry if you rate yourself higher for some items and lower for others; this is normal. This is not a competition against others. High ratings do not mean more worth; remember, worth as a person is already a given and is equal in all. You are just noticing unique ways in which your worth is presently expressed. All of the benefit comes from being objective. Avoid all-or-none thinking and overgeneralizing.
Circle the appropriate rating:
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2. Now, list five additional traits that describe the way you contribute to your well-being and that of others. This will not be difficult if you consider the many attributes that describe human beings, including determination, persistence, loyalty, cheer, playfulness, thrift, generosity, gentleness, friendliness, appreciation, gratitude, tact, reverence for human dignity, patience, industry, self-control, prudence, order, organization, sincerity, warmth, justice, cleanliness, tranquility, chastity, acceptance, steadiness, courage, sensitivity, commitment, composure, enthusiasm, courtesy, dependability, and humility. The standard is not that you possess these attributes perfectly, only that you possess them in some measure. Then rate the degree to which you have developed these traits, as you did in the first step.
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3. Consider what you have just done. Because humans are so complex and diverse, your rating pattern is undoubtedly different from anyone else’s. You were probably higher in some areas, lower in others. You probably also noticed an absence of zeros or tens because such extremes rarely, if ever, exist. This activity reveals a complex and unique personal portrait of attributes at various stages of development. Emerging from this composite is a more certain awareness of core worth. The idea of numerical ratings is not to invite comparisons with others, but to present an image of wholeness and possibilities—and to offer recognition and appreciation of one’s unique mix of strengths.
Having completed your ratings, please respond in writing to the following questions:
Activity: The Inner Dialogue of Self-Esteem
People with self-esteem talk to themselves differently than those who dislike themselves. In chapter 5 you learned to eliminate negative, self-defeating self-talk that undermines self-esteem. Now you’ll practice the inner dialogue typical of those with sound self-esteem. You might think of this as laying down new neural pathways or installing new software in the brain. Research with athletes has demonstrated that mentally rehearsing in detail can be nearly as effective as actual practice (Verdelle 1960). In this activity you will mentally rehearse thoughts that affirm core worth, enhance security, and motivate growth.
Following is a list of statements representing the inner dialogue of self-esteem.
The Thoughts of Self-Esteem
For this activity, you’ll focus on each separate statement in turn, as follows:
Activity: Acknowledging Strengths
This especially effective activity fosters a realistic appreciation of one’s strengths. It is based on the research of three Canadians (Gauthier, Pellerin, and Renaud 1983) whose method enhanced the self-esteem of subjects in just a few weeks.
To warm up, consider the strengths below. Circle each one that describes you. Circle one if you sometimes are, or have ever been, reasonably:
Check any of the following roles, or ways that strengths can be expressed, that describe what you are sometimes reasonably good at:
“Cheerleader,” supporter
Cleaner
Cook
Counselor
Debater
Decision maker
Enjoyer of hobbies
Example
Family member
Financial manager
Follower
Friend
Helper
Leader or coach
Learner
Letter writer
Listener
Mate
Mediator
Mistake corrector
Musician or singer
Organizer
Planner
Requester
Risk-taker
Smiler
Socializer
Storyteller
Taker of criticism
Thinker
Worker
Perfection was not required to circle these items, because nobody plays any of these roles all the time or perfectly. However, if you circled a few and have managed to maintain reasonable sanity in a very complex world, give yourself a pat on the back. Remember, this was just a warm-up. The part of the exercise that follows has been found to be very effective in building self-esteem.
In the following space, write ten positive statements about yourself that are meaningful and realistic and true. You may develop the statements using the lists at the beginning of this exercise, generate your own statements, or do both. Examples might include “I am a loyal, responsible member of my family (or team, unit, and so forth),” “I am clean and orderly,” or “I am a concerned listener.” If you mention a role that you perform well, try to add specific personal characteristics that explain why. For example, instead of saying only that you’re a good manager, you might add that you treat others with respect, are open to new ideas, and are decisive. Roles can change (for example, after a job loss or declining health), but character and personality traits can be expressed across many different roles.
Ten Positive Statements
Once you’ve completed your list:
Additional Statements
If you prefer, you can write the statements on index cards and carry them with you. Some find cards easier to refer to during the day.
Notice how you feel after practicing this skill, which disputes distortions, such as “I am no good” or “I have no strengths,” by substituting appreciative thoughts and feelings. Upon completing this activity, you may have feelings similar to other individuals who have completed this exercise:
US Army Chaplain N. Alden Brown taught this very powerful way to nonverbally counter feelings associated with long-held negative thoughts. In it, you will look into a mirror and view the core self with kindness, perhaps seeing yourself differently than you ever have before.
Do you ever notice what you see when you look into a mirror? Do you immediately focus on the externals—clothes, hair, wrinkles, or blemishes? Do you notice imperfections, perhaps in a harsh, judgmental way? Or do you first experience your core self with a pleasant feeling?
Over time, this simple yet profound exercise allows a very wholesome and good feeling to take root and grow. As you look into your eyes and see the core self with kindness, appearances and externals begin to assume their correct (that is, secondary) position of importance. Instead of dreading mirrors, they might come to remind you to experience an appreciative feeling for the core self, a feeling that provides the secure foundation for optimal performance and growth.
In addition, when you do need to check out your appearance in the mirror, focus on what is right rather than what is wrong. Consider how remarkable it is that the body performs so well so much of the time. Notice attractive features and appreciate steadily performing organs (the amazing heart, eyes, ears, lungs, kidneys, and so forth).
Also, notice and appreciate any accomplishments, no matter how small or where they occur. Give back-pats for effective efforts (“Good job.” “Well done!” “Wow, I accomplished a lot”), rather than dwelling on what went wrong. Encouragement is generally more motivating than harsh criticism. It is not immodest to take satisfaction in sincere efforts, and we preserve healthy humility by remembering that we all have much to learn.
Comparing ourselves with others is exhausting. It will never provide the inner security that healthy self-esteem provides. Those who practice the skills of self-esteem are often surprised at the difference it makes in their happiness and resilience. And it can be very comforting to realize that self-esteem is a skill you can master, just like the other skills in this workbook.
This chapter helped you recognize your core worth and innate strengths, and to experience yourself with positive feeling. Growing your innate strengths in a way that lifts yourself and others makes life more satisfying. It also makes you more resistant to breaking under stress, just as tempering glass makes it more resistant to shattering from a blow. Future chapters will explore ways to grow your strengths.