The eighth-century Buddhist monk Shantideva said, “Whatever joy there is in the world, all comes from desiring others to be happy.” This quotation beautifully introduces altruism, the focus of this chapter. Altruism is closely tied to happiness and resilience.
Altruism means unselfish concern for the good of others; we wish to give another a leg up. Simply stated, altruism is the practice of offering heartfelt kindness in thoughts, words, and deeds—without concern for our own gain.
Altruism makes us happier, healthier, and more likely to succeed in health, love, and work. For example, in the famous Harvard men’s study, George Vaillant (1977) found that an altruistic disposition in college was among five predictors of medical, psychological, social, and occupational success decades later. Happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky (2007) concluded that altruism builds social ties (people tend to like kind people), while altruistic acts distract us from our own cares. Through mirror neurons—which allow happiness to activate similar areas of the brain in both the server and the person served—the lift that we give others through selfless service is reflected in our own brains.
Kindness changes the way we see others and ourselves. We begin to see the person served as one who matters. We see ourselves as more capable, useful, and strong, and we see our lives as more meaningful.
Altruism can inspire others to be kinder and less cynical. For example, a sixteen-year-old named Andrew was devastated by the destruction caused by hurricanes in the south. However, the bravery of emergency workers so impressed him that he began training at night to become an emergency medical technician so that he could help others (Goldman 2005). Psychologist Jackie Lapidus interrupted her private practice to donate five days to work with Pentagon survivors after 9/11. As a result of the experience, she said, “I’m less cynical because I have witnessed so many acts of kindness and courage” (American Psychological Association 2001). Viktor Frankl observed, “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way” (1963, 73). A POW in the brutal Japanese prison camps of World War II told me that he was inspired by a leader who took beatings from his captors to spare his men from being beaten. Other POWs wept as they recounted tales of selfless friends who gave them their own food to save them from death. In a squalid prison in North Vietnam, one sick prisoner inadvertently threw up his dentures into the bucket that served as the toilet. A comrade thrust his arm up to his shoulder in excrement until he retrieved the dentures, inspiring fellow prisoner Larry Chesley (1973) to say that it was an honor to live with such men.
In all age-groups, practicing altruism has been found to improve happiness more than recreational or passive activities, such as watching television or shopping (Seligman 2002). Unlike sensual pleasures, the satisfactions derived from altruism seem to grow over time (as long as we don’t overextend). Interestingly, those in three altruistic professions—clergy, firefighters, and special education teachers—ranked among the happiest in both their jobs and their lives. Lawyers, bankers, and others with higher-status jobs score lower in life and job satisfaction (T. W. Smith 2007). Seligman (2002) notes that lawyers are the richest and most depressed professionals, and they experience higher-than-average rates of alcoholism, illegal drug use, and divorce. (Perhaps it is because they are trained to be aggressive, judgmental, adversarial, pessimistic, and emotionally detached. He recommends pro bono or mediation work to increase altruism.) Let’s look at two ways to cultivate this special attitude of altruism.
Activity: Kindness Day
Sonja Lyubomirsky (2007) found that doing five kind acts on one day each week for six weeks boosted happiness. Concentrating the acts on one day boosted happiness more than spreading out the acts. To try this, designate one day a week as your kindness day, and plan to do five altruistic acts. Do them with heart—freely, cheerfully, and without expectation of personal reward. If you can, try to interact with the people you help—talk with them, look into their eyes. Do not judge them negatively for needing help. Do not try to do so much that it overwhelms you and takes the joy out of giving. If it becomes drudgery, it’s okay to take a break. To prime the pump, consider the activities below, and place a check beside those you’d like to try. Then plan to do five acts on each of your weekly kindness days over a six-week period. Both anticipating and then doing altruistic deeds can lift the mood.
Babysit for a friend.
Befriend someone who isn’t popular.
Bring a friend a simple gift, such as homemade jam for a holiday.
Bring a meal to a shut-in, or just stop in to say hello.
Bring a treat for someone’s pet.
Buy dessert for someone at another table.
Buy or provide a meal for a homeless person.
Call just to say hello.
Donate to charity.
Do something unexpected for a family member (cook a favorite food, do a chore without being asked, be patient, listen intently, compliment, share a possession).
Drive an elderly person to an appointment or errand.
Give a larger tip.
Give a massage.
Help a neighbor (take in the trash can, mow the lawn, sweep the sidewalk, share vegetables from your garden).
Help your child with homework.
Host an unexpected birthday party.
Invite someone who is feeling down to lunch, to a movie, or for a walk.
Let a driver get in front of you.
Pay for someone behind you at the toll booth or fast-food drive-through.
Pick up litter.
Say “Thanks for your service” to a police officer or military service member.
Send an “I’m thinking of you” note or get-well card.
Send a thank-you note to a new teacher, custodian, principal, or someone else who makes a difference.
Share your knowledge or skill with a person or group.
Smile or say hello to someone you don’t usually greet.
Spend one-on-one time with a family member doing something he or she likes.
Tell someone you appreciate him or her and why.
Tutor someone.
Volunteer for a good cause, such as at a nursing home, at a soup kitchen, at a homeless shelter, at a blood drive, at a school, at an orphanage, for a children’s team, or for Big Brothers Big Sisters of America.
Welcome new neighbors with a plate of cookies.
Other (consider neighbors, friends, family, strangers, coworkers):
Whereas a kindness day is planned, guerilla kindness is a less structured approach to altruism involving random acts of kindness. A reporter once asked Mother Teresa how he could help her serve the poorest of the poor. She said simply, “Come and see.” In other words, kindness does not usually take elaborate planning, training, or effort. Often we simply see what needs doing, and then we do it. All we need to bring is an open heart and the willingness to help. So, we might shovel snow from our neighbor’s walk or bring a meal to a sick friend, contributing in our own unique way.
If you keep a journal, you might note the kind things you did for the week. Research has shown that this practice increases happiness (Lyubormirsky and Della Porta 2010).
Ask yourself which is more satisfying: doing a kind deed or shopping? Doing good or making money? Most people say that altruistic acts bring more satisfaction than self-focused pleasures. Think about it. If you kiss a dollar bill, it doesn’t kiss you back—but kindness lights up the brain. Before moving on to the next chapter, please ponder these reflections on altruism.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people. —Abraham Joshua Heschel
Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into a flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light .—Albert Schweitzer
Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. —Mother Teresa
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. —Dalai Lama