Chapter 16

Moral Strength

Living up to our moral capacity breeds happiness, helping us feel inwardly more peaceful and good about ourselves. Recall that feelings such as peace and contentment are related to happiness, and that happiness is linked to resilience. Conversely, regrets and guilt, which are often the result of not living up to our moral capacity, can create unsettling inner turmoil that makes us more vulnerable to stress-related conditions. This chapter will discuss moral strength—what it is, why it matters, and how to cultivate it—and how it relates to resilience.

What Is Moral Strength?

In nearly all cultures around the world, if people are asked what comprises moral strength, the virtues consistently mentioned include honesty, respect, benevolence, courtesy, trustworthiness, responsibility, fairness, and the like. In this chapter, we are not talking about values imposed on us by others. Rather, we’ll be talking about inner strengths that already exist within us as capacities that can be developed.

Being moral is simply being good and decent—having good character. Morality seeks the common good—doing what is in the best interest of self and others.

We assume that people want to be good and to do good. Most people realize that there is no lasting happiness to be found in unkindness—either to themselves or to others. Conversely, being good connects us to who we really are at the core, which leads to lasting happiness.

Moral Strength, Happiness, and Resilience

Happy people behave in ways that promote peace of conscience and minimize regrets. They live with integrity, meaning that the way they live accords with their highest values. Just as structural integrity means that something does not break or tear easily, so does moral integrity help us withstand adversity. Living with integrity lets us look back on our lives with satisfaction—and enjoy our memories again.

Peace of conscience does not require perfection. It does require that we do our best—that we strive for moral excellence. This requires a very basic form of courage, since the moral life is not necessarily the popular or easy life.

The idea that happiness is tied to goodness is ancient. Aristotle used the word eudaemonia, or “good soul,” for happiness, and taught that happiness is derived from virtuous living. Conversely, many writers have described the anguish of transgressing deeply held values. For example, Ed Tick (2005) describes PTSD in veterans as a “soul wound,” with moral pain as a root cause. John Chaffee describes a gradual entrapment, or seduction by degrees, noting that “immoral people are corrupted at their core, progressively ravaged by a disease of the spirit” (1998, 341). And Jonathan Shay (2002), an expert on combat-related PTSD, notes that from moral wounds come self-loathing, feelings of unworthiness, and loss of self-respect.

Although morality is seldom improved in a lasting way through compulsion, most would agree that moral strengths are innate and susceptible to enlargement—just as the other strengths of resilience are.

Living up to our moral capacity is within everyone’s grasp. Mother Teresa (Petrie and Petrie 1986), when asked what it was like to be a living saint, replied, “You have to be holy in the position you are in just as I have to be holy in the position [I am in]. Holiness is a simple duty for you and me. There is nothing extraordinary about being holy.” To be holy, which has the same linguistic root as “whole,” “heal,” and “health,” means to have integrity—consistency between one’s values and actions. Thus, one can be a holy teacher, parent, trash collector, or firefighter.

In his Notebook, Mark Twain (1971, 261–262) wrote, “No man, deep down in the privacy of his own heart, has any considerable respect for himself.” It is interesting that Twain suffered from depression. In contrast, resilient people strive to maintain self-respect. If it is lost, they have ways to recover it.

How to Grow Moral Strength

There are essentially three paths to inner peace and self-respect.

1. Decide in advance to live morally, and then do so. The best time to make decisions about what you will or will not do is before adversity strikes. Once a moral course has been predetermined, it is considerably easier to act with integrity when you’re under duress, tired, or tempted.
2. Have a system for righting, and making peace with, wrongs that you will inevitably make because you are human. Starting anew, bouncing back from mistakes or bad choices, is a critical part of resilience. We might call this moral resilience. In many cultures, religions, and recovery groups, these are the steps:
   • Admit the wrong. We can’t change what we deny.
   • Make amends when possible. This is the compassionate thing to do as it is healing for the offended party and ourselves. Sometimes a sincere apology is all that can be given.
   • Acknowledge mitigating circumstances (for example, “I was inexperienced,” “I made a decision under pressure,” or “I didn’t have all the facts”). This is not making excuses, just increasing understanding. I’ll always remember my West Point company mate, Doug Madigan, with appreciation. At a class reunion, I shared with him my biggest regret from West Point. Two of my roommates during plebe year flunked out, and I wondered whether, if I had been a better friend, they might have made it. Doug, who was friendly with both of the roommates, said with genuine concern, “What did we know when we were eighteen?” Somehow, that made me feel better. In a more general sense, what do we know when we are thirty or fifty years old? We are all still learning and trying to get the hang of living well.
   • Acknowledge your right to pick yourself up after falling. Worthwhile people don’t lose their worth because of imperfections, nor do they forfeit their right to keep trying to improve.
   • Reconcile with a higher power. For example, ask for forgiveness, allowing God to take the pain and trusting that forgiveness will come.
   • Forgive yourself. Some become depressed, dispirited, and even suicidal because of an act or a pattern of transgression. They might conclude they are beyond redemption or can never again be good enough after doing that. Following the suggestion of Follette and Pistorello (2007), you might ask yourself, “Have I stopped valuing [honesty, kindness, virtue] just because I strayed from the path, or got turned around once, twice, or even for several years?”
   • Commit to a better course of action, resolving not to repeat the mistake. Have the wisdom to change course, then do your earnest best. That’s all we would ask of our children. And if you then stumble, try again. Growing moral strength is a lifelong process.
3. Persist in the pursuit of moral excellence. Recall that people in many cultures value the moral strengths mentioned earlier. These strengths seem to help individuals, families, and groups be happier. The following activity is intended to help you grow these consensus virtues and give yourself credit for progress you’ve made.

Activity: The Fearless, Searching, and Kind Moral Inventory

This activity is patterned after the moral inventory used in Alcoholics Anonymous. When a grocer inventories the shelves, he simply counts, without judging, what is there and what is not in order to see where he stands. Likewise, in the fearless, searching, and kind moral inventory we simply take stock of our present moral condition. We notice strengths, lest this inventory be only an immoral inventory. And we notice what we need to do to grow stronger. The process is fearless, searching, and kind because there is no condemnation or denial—only the intention to grow and be happier at an appropriate pace.

Before starting the inventory, take a moment to meditate on integrity. Integrity brings us self-respect, inner peace, happiness, and trust. Sitting quietly, consider this question: Is there anything that disturbs my peace, damages my reputation with myself, or leads others to distrust me? Now follow these steps to take the fearless, searching, and kind moral inventory:

1. Start by reading the definitions of the character strengths in the first column. Make any adjustments to these definitions that you feel are appropriate.
2. In the second column, rate where you presently stand on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 meaning you are living this strength as well as a person can.
3. In the third column, describe a time in the past when you demonstrated this strength. This helps to motivate you to improve by reminding you of strengths and potentialities that already exist.
4. In the fourth column, identify specific steps that will bring you closer to moral excellence—to demonstrating a strength better and more often. For example, to increase honesty you might keep an honesty–dishonesty journal for a week. Each day, list the
   • lies you hear (How does it feel to hear them?),
   • lies (even white lies) you tell (How does it feel to tell them? Does it make you happier?), and
   • truths you tell, giving yourself credit for telling the truth when doing so is difficult (How does that make you feel inside?).

At the end of the week, see how you did. Then set a goal for improvement. For example, you might aim to go an entire day (or some other reachable goal) only telling the complete truth—no white lies, no deceit, no excuses to save face. Ask yourself what is the worst that could happen if you told the truth? What is the best thing that could happen?

The Fearless, Searching, and Kind Moral Inventory

Character Strength	Rate Yourself (1–10)	Describe a time in the past when you demonstrated this strength	Describe what you could do to demonstrate this strength better and more often
Courage means persisting in doing the right thing despite the pressure to do otherwise.
Honesty means you speak only the truth, always. No white lies, half-truths (truth can be tactful and kind), cheating, or stealing.
Integrity means your behaviors match your values and that you show your sincere, authentic self without pretense.
Respect means you honor people and treat them as worthwhile and that you are civil and courteous.
Fairness means you play by the rules, do not take dishonorable advantage of others, and treat others impartially.
Loyalty, faithfulness, and trustworthiness mean you keep commitments and confidences, don’t speak ill of others behind their backs, and are reliable.
Character Strength	Rate Yourself (1–10)	Describe a time in the past when you demonstrated this strength	Describe what you could do to demonstrate this strength better and more often
Responsible means you are able and willing to respond to valid needs and duties, are dependable, and protect yourself and others.
Kind and caring mean you are concerned with the welfare of others and desire to help and support their growth; you are considerate, generous, and tenderhearted.
Sexual integrity means you use sexual expression in the context of love and concern for the other and never in a selfish or exploitive way.
Tolerant means you are patient with the differences and imperfections of others; you are forgiving.

Here are two additional ideas that might help to motivate and support you in your efforts to grow moral strengths.

Search for inspiring stories of people who did the right thing despite great peril or inconvenience. For example, during World War II Chiune Sugihara, who was serving as the Japanese consul to Lithuania, wrote visas—in defiance of his government—that saved more than six thousand Jews from the Nazis. As a consequence, he was imprisoned by the Russians and shunned by his government after the war. Influenced by his samurai code, which taught him to help those in need, he and his wife had decided to risk the consequences simply because it was the right thing to do. Their moral courage liberated them from fear of ridicule and rejection, notwithstanding the costs. Arthur Ashe, Joshua Chamberlain (the highly respected Civil War officer), and Viktor Frankl are others who were admired for their quiet moral courage.

Complete a moral strength sentence stem. Think of a moral strength you’d like to grow. Complete this sentence stem with as many responses as you can think of: The positive consequences of my being more (for example, honest, kind, or tolerant) are… This exercise can be very motivating.

A Story of Honesty

Over the course of my career, I’ve been asked to write many letters of recommendation. I first invite the requesters in for rather searching interviews in order to make the letters more personal. At some point I ask about character. I might lead with, “What would distinguish you and make you valuable to your employer?” One unusually accomplished, self-motivated young woman said, with quiet self-assurance, “I’m honest.” I asked her what integrity means. She said, “Doing the right thing even when you don’t have to, when no one is watching.” I asked her for examples. She said, “I don’t take company supplies at work. When we are assigned online closed-book tests, I don’t use books.” “Anything else?” I asked. “When my class was assigned to attend a concert, my friends left after getting a ticket stub. I stayed for the concert knowing that I would have to say whether or not I attended.”

As I was writing the letter, I called her father, a longtime friend, and asked him what he considered his daughter’s greatest strength. Without hesitation, he said, “Kelly is honest.” I thought, There’s a young woman who can be trusted, and who will have inner peace if she remains true to her values. It was a pleasure to recommend her without reservation, for she had not only intellectual intelligence, but moral intelligence as well.

Conclusion

Committing to moral living helps to connect us to our true happy nature—our higher self. This commitment promotes happiness and anchors us during difficult times. Before advancing to the next chapter, please ponder these reflections on moral strength.

Happiness and moral duty are inseparably connected. —George Washington

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older, and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time. —Dalai Lama

An honest man’s pillow is his peace of mind. —Anonymous

Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation, because your character is what you are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you. —Coach John Wooden

Set your heart on doing good. Do it over and over again, and you will be filled with joy. A fool is happy until his mischief turns against him. And a good man may suffer until his goodness flowers. —Buddha

The real things haven’t changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful. —Laura Ingalls Wilder

There is no friendship more valuable than your own clear conscience. —Elaine S. Dalton

You cannot have a moral holiday and remain moral. —Oswald Chambers

Goodness Can Live with Suffering

The Nazis kept the slender ballerina Edith Eva Eger alive at Auschwitz to entertain them while they killed her family. She forgave them to free herself from the past. “At the end I remember feeling sorry for the German officers and soldiers as I watched them flee through the open camp gates. I remember thinking to myself, ‘I will have painful memories of what happened, but they will always have to live with memories of what they did.’ I lost my family in Auschwitz. It was very traumatic. But I have integrated the experience, and I’m the person I am because of it” (Siebert 1996, 238).