Socially Intelligent Families
Happiness at home and happiness at work are linked. Socially intelligent people apply people skills to build happiness at home. Happiness at home, in turn, tends to influence happiness at work and resilience generally. This chapter will focus on strengthening couples and families.
Strong Couples
Satisfied couples balance shared enjoyment with handling conflict in ways that strengthen the relationship. They spend time together building respect, trust, and fond memories. They also solve problems constructively—calmly, and as equal members of a team. Most couples have differences that can’t be resolved. Resilient couples learn to tolerate these differences. Considerable research has demonstrated the keys to strengthening couples.
Success in marriage usually takes time. It typically takes ten to fifteen years for a couple to reach high-quality intimacy: At first, partners in a relationship romantically think that their partner is perfect and able to fulfill all their needs. Over time, they recognize differences with their partner and struggle to work them out. Eventually, they choose to stay together, cooperate, and depend on each other because they enjoy being a team (Kovacs 2007). Note that the prospects of marital satisfaction are good. Among those who describe their marriages as very unhappy, 80 percent of those who stick it out for five years will say that their marriage is happy (Waite et al. 2002). The likelihood of success is better if partners learn good couples skills, such as how to disagree in ways that strengthen relationships (see “Resilient Couples and Family Skills” in the recommended resources).
Appreciate complementary gender differences. According to research by Tannen (2001), generally speaking men and women tend to process conflict differently, although both genders have the same goals of being treated with respect and equality. Much of the gender differences can be explained by brain differences. And while there are certainly exceptions to the general rules, understanding gender differences can help couples greatly. For example, women tend to pick up more emotional and intuitive cues and can discuss these more quickly and easily. Men tend to find it more difficult to put feelings into words, and they might need to say, “I’m taking time to process this.” Men are more likely to say they prefer discussions to be calm and to follow predictable rules so they can think through issues logically—and they tend to withdraw when things get heated. Men prefer to solve or fix problems quickly, whereas women tend to want to explore complexities before deciding on a solution. Offering a quick fix might unintentionally communicate, “You’re not smart enough to figure this out.” Women might need to say, “I’m not asking you to solve the problem; I’m asking you to help me consider all the angles.” Men might need to say, “Do you want my advice or shall I be a sounding board?”
Rather than getting defensive or trying to quickly fix a problem, first try to simply validate your partner’s feelings and viewpoints. All couples have conflict. It is how conflict is handled that predicts marital satisfaction. If your partner is upset, sit down, face him or her, and calmly say, “Tell me about it.” Try to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, saying something like “I can see how that would be upsetting. Tell me more to help me understand.” Check out your understanding by restating what you heard (“It sounds like you are feeling X because of Y. Is that right?”). Don’t mind read or speak for your partner. Simply restate what your partner has said. When your partner feels completely heard and understood, only then express how you see the issue. It might take several hours of calm back-and-forth for both partners to feel understood. When you arrive at this point, then set a time in the future to brainstorm to try to solve the problem. End on a positive note (for example, “I’m sorry we had this disagreement, but I appreciate your talking about it. I love you”). This approach takes time and effort, but the effort is worthwhile, especially for hot issues.
Accentuate the positives. Appreciate at every opportunity. Don’t criticize. Criticizing creates resentment and is a difficult habit to reverse. Focus on solving the problem, not attacking the person. Structure time for fun and friendship—time that is free of talking about problems. Brainstorm fun activities, and then alternate from each other’s list. If you have a concern or criticism, make sure compliments and positive encounters outweigh these by at least five to one.
Have a weekly couples meetings to anticipate problems, to plan, and to value your partner. Emphasize what is going well. Thank your partner for what he or she is doing well. This can be as short as a half hour. Try to keep it fun.
Put your spouse first. Greet your spouse warmly before you greet others. Remember the courtesies that you used when courting, such as saying please and thank you. Secretly help your partner out without seeking credit, which can make the partner feel obligated. Call your partner or leave love notes just for fun.
Seek to value, not control, your partner. Both partners are happiest in relationships in which there is equality and mutual respect. Don’t push too hard for something you desire. If a gentle invitation doesn’t work, calm yourself, ease up, and try another approach.
Be 100 percent honest and faithful. Faithfully married couples are more sexually satisfied than all other sexually active groups (for example, Michael et al. 1994).
Activities: Building Strong Couples
Try these activities and see if they strengthen your relationship with your partner.
- List things you most appreciate about your partner. Share one a week. Make it playful sometimes (“You know what I like about you?”) but always sincere. Remember what first attracted you to your partner. Express appreciation when your partner shows these strengths. Remember your partner’s potential.
- Each day, notice something that your partner does. Does he or she take out the garbage, make the bed, spend time with the children? Express appreciation verbally or with a hug.
- Ask your partner about hopes, dreams, or fears. Do this without judgment. If he says, “I’d love to travel to Tahiti,” don’t say, “You know we can’t afford that.” You might simply say, “That would be so nice to do someday.”
- Describe in writing what it would be like living with you if you were your partner. Explain why you do what you do, and ask your partner to do the same. Exchange what you’ve written. Then discuss and listen in a way that seeks understanding. This process often reveals fears and concerns that are not being understood, and it changes anger to empathy (Amatenstein 2010).
- Share good news. When your partner shares good news, give your full presence. You might respond, “That’s fantastic!”
Strong Families
Highly effective parents raise children who feel valued and respected. These parents communicate expectations (“I expect you to…”), set limits (“That’s not acceptable”), and emphasize accomplishments and rewards rather than punishments and weaknesses. Consider the following habits of effective parents, and circle those you’d like to try.
Cultivate the family-as-team ethic. They repeat, “It’s important to work as a team; we need to pull together.” They explain the purpose of chores (it’s more about building relationships than getting the work done) and work alongside their children.
Hold weekly family nights. Their purpose is to create family bonds and memories. Anything that is fun works: games, picnics, discussions, gardening, planning a vacation, or learning together.
Hold regular family councils. This is like a couples meeting that includes the whole family. Members come together to coordinate calendars, share goals, go over chores, plan, and encourage. The environment is open, safe, and positive. In one family, for example, all members shared their goals and progress from the previous month. One child said, “My goal was to run every day, and I was 50 percent successful.” The whole family cheered. I thought to myself how much more motivating that was than focusing on the lapses. Try posting an agenda, to which each person can add an issue they’d like to address and a tentative solution. This trains children to be problem solvers. During the council, the whole family brainstorms, listing ideas without critiquing them at first. (All ideas are accepted as having merit; you never know what will emerge.) Then each alternative is weighed, and the best one to try is selected.
Follow up family councils with regular mom or dad interviews with each child. Plan a regular, anticipated time to encourage and listen to each child. Tell the child, “This is a time for you to talk about your interests and concerns, accomplishments, goals, and so forth. What would you like to talk about?” Make sure you keep the atmosphere positive—avoiding criticism and communicating your love and concern. Be sure you listen much more than you speak. As children learn that they can speak freely without censure, they will open up, and this practice can ward off problems.
I stayed with a young couple and their three daughters, aged three to eight. The three young girls immediately impressed me. They were so happy, secure, and engaging, even to me, a stranger. They also played together so nicely. In a quiet moment, I asked the father how the girls were turning out so well. He said, “First, we have no TV, so they’ve learned to entertain each other. We also have ‘monthly chats,’ where they talk with me about whatever interests them or is on their mind. It’s a time they can ask questions. I want to know about their friends and what they are thinking. I hope that our trusting, open communication will continue through the difficult teenage years. I ask them how I can be a better dad. Often, they’ll say, ‘You’re doing a great job.’ At the end I just tell them I love them and I’m grateful to be their dad. They look forward to our chats and often say, ‘We haven’t had our monthly chat.’ I’ll say, ‘Let’s do it now,’ or ‘How about tonight?’”
Correct in private. All children need parents who love them enough to set limits. Correcting in private avoids resentment.
Tap the power of the family dinner. When families eat dinner together, the children perform better at school, are better nourished, and experience fewer mental health problems. When parents are able to eat dinner at home, they feel greater personal and family success and are more satisfied and productive at their jobs. Wise managers, then, will help their employees get home for dinner—perhaps offering flextime, encouraging workers to make it home for dinner, or encouraging them to go home and come back if necessary. Wise parents will plan a regular dinnertime and let children know that they are expected to be there. Turn off the phone and electronics, and ask the children to contribute to the preparation or cleanup. If you buy a meal out, pick it up and eat it at home (Jacob et al. 2008; Bergin 2009).
Make each child feel loved and appreciated. Remember to regularly express appreciation and affection. Have special parent–child date nights. (One family I know held VIP nights during which a child could stay up a little later with a parent. Years later, the child reminisced fondly of times spent folding laundry and talking with Mom.) Make scrapbooks with photographs, recorded memories and impressions, report cards, notes and art created by the children, and so on. It’s more about the heart than techniques. One parent I met asked her child, “Why are you so good?” The child responded, “Because I know you love me.”
Parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had. Children are all different and have different needs, capabilities, and strengths. If gentle requests are not working, be willing to set boundaries that hold children accountable, and then enforce consequences.
Conclusion
People consistently report that high-quality family relationships increase their happiness. As with the other determinants of happiness, generating happiness in family life takes time and commitment. It is rare, however, that people who invest the effort to strengthen their families regret doing so.