In life, nearly everyone will be emotionally wounded by serious offenses committed by others. When we forgive, we free ourselves from being victimized a second time. That is, we choose to release anger, resentment, and desires for revenge so that we can move on—freed of the heavy load that chains us to the past. Forgiveness is necessary in every relationship. It is also vital, and one of the last steps, to the healing process.
Forgiving was once considered only a theological concept. Today research has repeatedly demonstrated that choosing to forgive strengthens us psychologically, because forgiving changes our response to the past.
Forgiveness means voluntarily canceling the debt owed by the offender. We choose to forgive not necessarily because the offender has asked for or deserves it, but because we no longer wish to be ruled by the past. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the offense. It does not necessarily mean we again trust or reconcile with the offender. We might even choose to bring an offender to justice in order to protect the offender or others from harm. However, in forgiving we strive to replace negative feelings we have toward the offender (such as resentment or indifference) with compassion (someone who does that must himself be wounded) and wishes for his or her happiness. Thus, we can be wiser from our experience, but without carrying forward the strong distressing feelings that cripple us. As you can see, then, forgiving is a gift we give ourselves. It is also a gift to others: Sometimes our compassion can soften the offender’s heart. Often, our loved ones benefit when we release the anger that we feel for offenders but unintentionally direct at our loved ones.
Popular and scientific literature is full of accounts of resilient survivors who have forgiven unspeakable crimes. For example, the appropriately titled “From Darkness to Light” recounts the story of Christopher (Hugh) Carrier (2000). As a trusting ten-year-old, he climbed off the school bus thinking of Christmas. He was approached by David McAllister, who said to him, in effect, “I’m a friend of your father; could you help me find him a gift?” Hugh got into McAllister’s motor home and was driven to Florida’s alligator-infested Everglades. There, McAllister repeatedly stabbed Hugh with an ice pick in revenge for the way Hugh’s father had fired him for being drunk on the job. McAllister then shot the boy in the left temple, blinding him, and left him. After being unconscious for nearly a week, Hugh staggered to a road, where a motorist spotted him and took him to the hospital.
Hugh’s life followed a downward spiral. He was afraid to sleep alone or go outside, deeply resentful, and self-conscious about his drooping, half-shut eye. Three years after the accident, Hugh opened up, telling his story to friends who encouraged him. For the first time, Hugh realized that he could release his anger and use his story to inspire others. He graduated from college, earned a master’s degree, and married. He felt gratitude for having miraculously survived the Everglades. When he held his baby, he realized why God had kept him alive, and he saw that many youngsters opened up to him readily when they realized all he’d been through.
Twenty-two years after the crime, McAllister admitted his guilt in a nursing home. The police called Hugh, who had wondered what he’d do if he ever confronted his offender. Outside McAllister’s room, Hugh took a deep breath, summoning all his courage to go in. Hugh introduced himself to a withered seventy-seven-year-old man who weighed seventy pounds. At first, McAllister said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Then he trembled and cried. Reaching out, he said, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” (Carrier 2000, 105).
Hugh told McAllister that what he had done to him had not been the end of meaning in his life. It was a beginning. McAllister squeezed Hugh’s hand and whispered, “I’m very glad” (106). Hugh visited nearly every day for the next three weeks. McAllister shared his life story, one with no father, juvenile halls, heavy drinking by his teen years, no friends, anger and shame, and the belief that God was something only suckers believed in. With Hugh’s help, McAllister began to pray. One night Hugh told McAllister, “I’m planning on going to heaven and I want you there too. I want our friendship to continue” (106). That night McAllister died in his sleep. Hugh reflected, “Strange as it seems, that old man did more for me than he ever could have known. In his darkness I found a light that guides me still. Forgiving David McAllister gave me a strength I will have forever” (106).
Notice that forgiving was difficult for Hugh. At first he was not sure he could do it, but he persisted. Forgiving was a process that began for him as a teen but was completed many years later. In this case, offender and offended met face to face and reconciled. This isn’t always possible. But as Hugh released his bitterness, the positive aspects of his life became clearer.
Bitterness has costs. If forgiving releases distressing anger and helps people to bounce back from past wounds, then we would expect research to demonstrate the beneficial effects of forgiving. It does. Forgiveness researchers such as Robert Enright (2012) have found that the practice of forgiveness helps people
Forgiving is a skill that becomes easier with practice. In the following sections, I’ll describe three aspects of forgiveness: receiving forgiveness, forgiving self, and forgiving others.
Louis Zamperini, whose life was depicted in the movie Unbroken, survived forty-seven days on a life raft after his WWII bomber went down in the Pacific. He made a promise that if his life was spared he would dedicate himself to serving God. The Japanese who captured him did not kill him because of his propaganda value (Zamperini was a former Olympic track star). He was, however, brutally tortured. One camp commandant put his head on a log and threatened daily to behead him. A particularly deranged guard repeatedly tried to break him psychologically and physically. Understandably, after the war Zamperini struggled with severe nightmares, heavy drinking, desires for revenge, and getting into fights. His marriage crumbled. Impulsive, greedy decisions bankrupted him. He realized that he had failed to keep his promise to seek and serve God. One night he committed his life to God and felt the sweet balm of forgiveness. He said that on that very night his nightmares stopped. He stopped drinking. Feeling forgiven gave him the peace and strength to return to Japan to forgive his tormentors. He spent the remainder of his life working with troubled youth, and he died peacefully and cheerfully in 2014. His anger had been replaced by love (Hillenbrand 2012).
Activity: Conversation with a Kind Moral Authority
Some erroneously think that their mistakes disqualify them from being forgiven or loved. Spiritual practices can be liberating, such as the one described in this activity (Litz et al. 2016).
Spiritual reminders, if consistent with your beliefs, might aid this process. For example, consider Ezekiel 18:21, from the Old Testament: “But if the wicked will turn from all his sins that he hath committed, and keep all my statutes, and do that which is lawful and right, he shall surely live.”
Which is harder: forgiving self or others? Many find it more difficult to forgive themselves, thinking, But I knew better! Perhaps they grew up in a critical home and erroneously believe that they can never change, that certain behaviors are beyond the reach of forgiveness, or that self-punishment is the only way to keep themselves on the straight and narrow.
Forgiving the self is a critical aspect of bouncing back from things you’ve done and is as important as forgiving others. Forgiving the self does not make light of past mistakes. It acknowledges them. Rather than staying mired in negative judgments and self-condemnation, self-forgiveness involves a turning toward a better, more fruitful, happier life. Self-forgiveness recognizes that imperfect people nevertheless are still worthwhile, and that many of the world’s finest people changed course after making serious mistakes. Along with the steps found in the section “How to Grow Moral Strength” in chapter 16, you might try these steps:
Forgiving is replacing anger with love. Loving acts connect us to our true happy nature, which is why those who learn to forgive often say that they feel happier and whole. Although forgiving serious offenses is extremely difficult, it is possible. These steps might help:
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Hate |
Neutrality |
Love and trust |
Notice how you feel after taking these steps. Did they help you accept the offender’s limitations (perhaps she never learned the art of kindness and asking for forgiveness)? Does this acceptance feel like a permanent or temporary solution, or might you wish to attempt to more fully forgive at some future time, when you have more fully healed?
Although it can be very difficult, forgiving yourself and others is a skill well worth cultivating. Forgiveness can help us bounce back from difficult experiences and move ahead with greater happiness, healing, and resilience.
The skills that you’ve explored so far in this workbook have prepared you well for the final chapter in part 2, “Balance and Healthy Pleasures.”