So far we have explored resilience skills related to maximizing brain readiness, calming body and mind, managing negative emotions, and cultivating positive emotions and attitudes. In this part of the book we will build on these foundational skills, adding others that optimize performance and adaptive coping.
Adaptive coping is adjusting to changing circumstances and using whatever is available to your best advantage to solve problems, meet challenges, and move toward your goals. Peak functioning is giving your best possible effort in the service of meeting your goals. Your goals might relate to work, relationships, or play. Peak functioning revolves around three basic principles:
All of the skills that you have learned so far promote peak functioning and adaptive coping. For example, practicing calming skills and managing negative emotions help us to stay composed and focused under pressure. Optimizing brain health enables the brain to function more quickly and effectively. Happiness skills help people to stay open to coping strategies and implement them more effectively.
In this part of the book we will explore three pillars of success: active coping, confidence, and flexibility and creativity. The final chapter, chapter 25, will prepare you for early treatment to get you back to optimal mood and functioning as soon as possible. We’ll start with active coping. Considerable research suggests that having an active stance toward life is advantageous compared with a passive, avoidant stance. Let’s consider the differences.
Mindfulness training teaches us that the active coper turns toward problems, rather than away from them. This increases the likelihood of finding an appropriate response. People with an active stance toward life do the following. In order to raise your self-awareness, place a check next to those that describe you. Active copers:
Are proactive doers and problem solvers. That is, they are engaged in life. They anticipate and prepare for difficulties, rather than waiting for crises to strike. They appraise situations and take reasonable action, applying (and in some cases learning) needed skills.
Are adventurous. This means they are disposed to cope with the new and unknown.
Are curious. Curious people don’t get down when they feel stress but approach problems with pleasant and engaged interest.
Acknowledge that a problem exists. They think about it, generate and weigh alternative solutions, make and follow a plan of action, and have a backup plan.
Are conscientious. That is, they are determined to build a better life and improve. So they work hard, persist, and make use of needed resources (for example, they seek out confidants, uplifting relationships, or needed information and help).
Are disciplined. They organize—creating structure, order, and routine. They follow through with their plans. They train themselves to forgo immediate pleasures and destructive shortcuts in the pursuit of a long-term goal. They act despite difficulties, fears, and risks.
Keep dreams and make goals. These goals are guided by internal core values, not the dictates of others.
Make decisions without perfect knowledge (which we never have). They allow themselves the freedom to take decisive action, take reasonable risks, make mistakes, and even fail. They realistically recognize personal and situational limitations (that is, what can and can’t be done).
Recognize emotional needs and the need for emotional survival skills. They may block out emotions in order to function during a crisis, but then they address them as soon as it is appropriate so that the emotions don’t continue to trouble them.
Are not impulsive. They think their actions through as much as possible before acting. They think about what they are doing and do not take unreasonable risks.
Maintain focus. They continuously ask, “What’s the most important thing to do right now to get me closer to my goal?”
In I Love a Fire Fighter, Dr. Ellen Kirschman (2004) describes an active stance toward troubling emotions, as well as a model for dealing with them: act during the crisis, then acknowledge and process distressing feelings. She describes a water rescue training in a storm, during which a boat capsized. Afterward, one emotionally courageous firefighter said to his assembled comrades, “I don’t know about you guys but I thought I was going to die out there today and I doubt I’m the only one who felt that way” (180). One by one crewmembers opened up, expressing their fears of never seeing family again and of going out on the water again, anger at dying so young, and sadness for an incomplete life. Acknowledging these feelings brought this team together. The next day everyone went out again on the water to train. Until they had talked, each person felt isolated. Realizing that they were all in the same boat emotionally actually helped them move past their feelings and prepare for their training. Conversely, many highly trained and capable emergency service providers are engaged at work in their physical tasks, but then disengage from their feelings when they come home, shutting down or burying their emotions.
In Vietnam’s prisoner-of-war camps, many outward freedoms were taken away. When prisoners could not actively escape, they exercised their freedom to be as active as possible. For example, Larry Chesley (1973) noted that many of his comrades in the “Hanoi Hilton” exercised to keep in good physical condition, despite the hunger it caused. They walked back and forth in their cell, three paces one way and then back, thinking and planning as they exercised. Others made competitions for sit-ups, push-ups (several reached several hundred), and deep-knee bends. The prisoners also used covert communications to keep morale high. On the cell walls, they tapped a code learned in Boy Scouts. Because speaking was forbidden, they hummed or whistled a prisoner’s favorite tune to let his comrades know that he was still alive. In arguably the worst conditions humans can find themselves in, these men actively coped with their situation.
Passive copers take an avoidant stance toward life. They find ways to leave the problem, leaving it unsolved. Check any of the following that seem to describe your present coping style. Passive copers:
Don’t think about troubling thoughts, emotions, or situations. Thus, they do little to modify them.
Try to escape or block out negative emotions. Tactics include excessive humor, drugs, workaholism, whining, worrying, suicide, risky recreation, gambling, and overconfidence. Notice that some of these might appear to be active attempts at coping, but each is a maladaptive way to avoid emotions. For example, one can worry obsessively—intellectually trying to understand the problem—without acknowledging the emotions or acting to resolve them.
Deny something is wrong or minimize problems. For example, they might think, Nothing is wrong or It doesn’t bother me or It used to bother me but now it doesn’t.
Get stuck or freeze. For example, they might:
Use cynicism or an uncaring, indifferent attitude to protect themselves from pain.
Might tackle problems at work but come home and try to ignore or drown out negative feelings. They might do this with television, computer games, and so forth.
Withdraw. They avoid people, places, or situations that are distressing; isolate themselves and don’t tell others what is going on inside.
Author Ben Sherwood has observed (2009) that only 10 percent of people facing a crisis take decisive, constructive action; 80 percent freeze and wait for instructions; and 10 percent do the wrong thing, acting in self-destructive ways. For example, during the attack on the World Trade Center on 9/11, most of its occupants were lethargic, not panicked (Ripley 2008). They waited an average of six minutes before descending the stairs. Some waited for as long as forty-five minutes, calling relatives and friends or checking e-mail. Many milled around, as if in a trance, perhaps fearing that overreacting might lead to embarrassment, or perhaps denying the reality of the situation. (A similar response was observed in the 1977 Beverly Hills Supper Club fire, during which many who passively awaited instructions died.) Others died on 9/11 because they wasted time ascending stairs, trying to exit through doors on the roof that were locked. Ripley asserts that we must acknowledge a threat and thoroughly, repeatedly, and realistically rehearse for it so that everyone knows what to do quickly and decisively during the crisis.
Those with avoidant coping styles don’t solve problems. They don’t become stronger or more confident through wrestling with and overcoming problems. In the long run, avoidance leads to more stress, which has been linked to many negative outcomes:
Active coping is generally associated with the opposite outcomes. (We’ll explore some exceptions in chapter 24.)
We can choose our response to adversity, whether that’s to relax into a given situation and act to the best of our ability (which is all anyone can ever do), or to try to escape it. We can:
Activity: Increase Motivation to Successfully Act
Motivation and drive predict performance. Being clear about your motivations can help you to persevere during periods of excessive stress, fatigue, nutritional or sleep deprivation, noise, and overseriousness. This activity, suggested by sports psychologist Spencer G. Wood (2003), will clarify your motivations and help you develop a motivating dialogue.
1. Determine what motivates you to act. Place a check beside those that apply to your life:
Competitive excellence
Courage
Enjoyment
Excellence
Friendship
Healthy pride in knowing you’ve done your best
Helping others heal
Helping the underserved
Mastery
Meaning and purpose
Novelty and stimulation
Personal growth
Saving lives
Security
Service
Teamwork
A worthy cause
Other motivations:
2. Write down three or four reasonable goals that are consistent with the motivations that you checked above. For example:
As you do this, focus more on the process, not the outcome. We can’t always control the outcome. As arguably the most successful athlete-coach in sports history, John Wooden taught his players that success is not defined by the scoreboard (sometimes the other team is simply better) but by the satisfaction in knowing you did your best. Doing your best at any given moment is something you can control.
3. Remembering that mental rehearsal is as important as physical preparation, create a mental rehearsal dialogue that includes several affirmations for each goal. For example, an athlete in training might create this dialogue, which could easily be adapted to meet a challenge at home or work:
I am composed, even more so in the most important games. I feel alert, poised, relaxed, capable, prepared, and focused. I see what is needed and respond calmly and effectively. I concentrate well despite fatigue and distractions. I enjoy working alongside and supporting my friends. I love using my skills with those I care about, doing something I love. I’m looking forward to doing my best. My movements are fluid and nearly effortless. I’m confident in my abilities. I’m committed to doing my personal best, not worrying about the outcome or what others think. I do my best and let the outcome take care of itself. I am in the flow, fully engaged and concentrating, and enjoying the feeling of my best performance. I make decisions quickly and act decisively, without hurrying. I am comfortable with all the emotions that arise, and I respond to all in the same calm, nonjudgmental way. Afterward, I look back on my performance with quiet satisfaction, knowing that I did my best.
4. Mentally rehearse. Relax. Visualize yourself in practice or real life as you repeat this dialogue until this active stance becomes ingrained.
Activity: Writing for Problem Solving
Writing can help you effectively problem solve. This activity, developed by Pennebaker and Smyth (2016, 73), will help you through the process.
Sometimes, this exercise may give rise to immediate insights (or even a solution), but often it facilitates a process that yields a solution in time.
The basic theme of active coping is to turn toward problems in a calm, nonjudgmental way, trusting that you will make progress—either solving a problem or figuring out a better way to cope. Drop the expectation of performing perfectly. Rather, strive for a very good job. Remember self-acceptance and self-compassion as you strive imperfectly to do your best.