Chapter 23 Self-Confidence

Confidence and an active coping stance go hand in hand. An active stance says, “I will do my best to succeed—I will do what is needed and persist.” Confidence says, “I can do that—I have the skills and resources that I need and know how to apply them effectively.”

Confidence, called self-efficacy in the scientific literature, is closely tied to resilience. Confidence correlates with:

Less avoidance. We find it easier to face challenges when we believe we can do something about them.
Better performance in various domains of life. Confidence lifts one’s mood, which changes the brain and improves performance. Confidence also counters distracting fears and self-doubts, which interfere with us doing our best.
Greater self-esteem. Although confidence is not the same as self-esteem, when people develop confidence they are reminded of their worth.
Fewer anxiety, depression, pain, and post-traumatic stress symptoms. Self-doubt is stressful, and stress exacerbates the symptoms of the stress-related conditions.

Confidence Principles

Confidence must be based on experience. Confidence improves with experiences of success—real or imagined. Both physical practice and mental rehearsal work about equally well. The combination of both kinds of practice is ideal.

Confidence must be realistic. Overconfidence is a form of avoidance and self-deceit. It can take us by surprise and make failure more likely. One must know what he or she can and cannot do. Without this awareness, we won’t make the effort to gain mastery and might make foolish decisions under pressure.

Training must be so rigorous that the real-life challenge is easier. Legendary coach John Wooden so rigorously trained his basketball players that the games seemed much easier than practice.

To perform confidently, one must know how to regulate arousal and distractions. Excessive stress degrades performance and can be regulated with mindfulness practice, abdominal breathing, relaxation training, and other skills described earlier in this book. Through training we can learn to maintain concentration and composure despite noise, visual distractions, some fatigue, and the like.

Regular participation in exercise (especially aerobic exercise) and sports is firmly linked to greater self-confidence. At the gym at West Point there is displayed a famous quote by General Douglas MacArthur: “On the fields of friendly strife are sown the seeds that on other days and other fields will bear the fruits of victory.” Physical fitness instills confidence. Athletic competition teaches focus and perseverance.

Nearly everyone with average learning ability can achieve professional competence in nearly any field with lots of practice. Dr. Nick Baylis (2009) explains that it takes about three thousand hours of determined practice to go from novice to a remarkable amateur in music (or nearly any other field)—about two hours per day, six days a week, for five years. It takes about ten thousand hours of concentrated effort to reach a professional standard in virtually any field, and at least ten years of full-time, dedicated practice to reach world-class level. About half of America’s leading concert pianists had parents who played no instruments. What they did have, typically, were warm, encouraging parents (or teachers). Those who excel also tend to have highly relaxed minds (which absorb more) and the determination to concentrate (multitasking degrades concentration and the ability to learn).

Perfectionism degrades confidence. Focus on doing a good job, even an excellent job, but not a perfect job. Baylis notes that only about a quarter of Shakespeare’s works are celebrated today. Not everything we produce will be a masterpiece, so we can relax, do our best, and enjoy the “occasional gem” (2009, 212).

The confident person is poised. John Wooden (2003) defined “poise” as just being yourself, not acting or pretending, but performing at your personal best level without undue pressure or concern for others’ judgments or expectations. Confident people watch, learn from, and are inspired by successful individuals, but they are secure in their uniqueness.

Confident people enjoy being tested because they are prepared. Because they are prepared, they feel that challenges will bring out their best and that they will likely succeed.

Confidence usually grows best when it is cultivated gradually, patiently, and with warmth. There are two basic training models for instilling confidence. One tries to overwhelm and eliminate the weak. We find this model used in many elite special-operations training programs, such as that of the Army Rangers and Navy SEALS. These programs start with the cream of the crop and weed out many candidates through exposure to grueling conditions. Those who remain standing know that they can trust both themselves and their teammates in virtually any situation.

The second model aims to strengthen and build—challenging but not overwhelming individuals. For example, British commando training adapts a mentoring approach wherein trainers train alongside trainees, offering encouragement and support. They make the training increasingly challenging but never exceed the readiness and capabilities of individuals. Trainers view each trainee as a valuable asset that they don’t want to lose. Rather than leading by fear and criticism, leaders try to inspire, and they allow trainees to learn from their mistakes through natural consequences. The Outward Bound program employs a similar training model. Participants are gently encouraged to perform at their best, say by pushing past their fears to complete a challenging ropes course. Then participants gather around the supportive leader, who praises their effort and asks them how they were able to perform as well as they did. The leader might also ask what they learned from their experience. This model tends to draw out and build upon existing strengths. People who are so trained tend to have less fear and tend to persevere and perform better under pressure, compared with those trained by harsh, domineering leaders. This model usually works best for most workplaces, families, and schools. This approach says, “I care about you and your growth.”

To be confident is to have the confidence to “fail.” Mortals will always be fallible, meaning we are imperfect and make mistakes. When we reframe failure as efforts toward success or as falling short of our goals, then “failure” becomes less intimidating. Without judging or condemning ourselves, we simply examine our efforts and aim to improve performance—erring less and less with time and experience.

How to Build Confidence

The principles outlined suggest a number of approaches to build confidence. If you are not doing so already, you might engage in an exercise or sports program. You might regulate arousal by practicing abdominal breathing or other skills introduced in part 1. Look for every opportunity to gain expertise and experience by reading, taking classes, training, and gaining real-life experience. The rest of this chapter will explore mental preparation for everyday life challenges.

Activity: Bringing Confidence Forward

Negative feelings such anxiety and lack of confidence can interfere with doing your best. This technique actively counters such feelings by weaving confidence into your mental preparation for a daunting challenge, such as one you might be facing at work, at home, or in sports.

Identify your daunting challenge. Examples include taking an important promotion test, tackling a difficult assignment, or having a potentially difficult discussion with a family member or boss.

Break your daunting challenge into a staircase of items. Each step should represent one chronological step of about one or two dozen steps total. Thus, for an important promotion test, the staircase might look like this:

Studying three months before
Studying two weeks before
Discussing the test with a coworker a week before
Studying the night before
Reviewing the morning before
Driving to the test site
Walking into the testing room
Taking a seat
Receiving a copy of the test
Reading the first question
Reading a question I can’t answer
Finishing the test
Leaving the testing room

Create a list of past successes and achievements. Write down four or five events from your life when you behaved capably and felt good about your performance. Perhaps it was an event where you were challenged to perform well and felt anxiety, but you persisted and performed competently. For each event, describe the circumstances in detail, noting your surroundings (weather, distractions, and so forth), what you did (for example, see yourself persisting and performing well), and how you felt during and afterward (for example, determined, satisfied, energized). Just remembering positive events lifts mood and increases confidence. Perhaps you can think of a past achievement that relates to your present challenge. For example, having success riding a bicycle might transfer to learning to ride a motorcycle. However, it is not critical that the past achievement be related to the present challenge. Any experience of success will work. Select one that is especially pleasant to remember.

Start with the first item on your staircase. Visualize and experience it fully and in detail for about a minute. Then recall the selected success or achievement experience fully and in as much detail as possible. Immerse yourself fully in the recall. Then superimpose this image over the image of your daunting challenge. Sit with this experience until you feel confidence associated with this step on the staircase.

Repeat this process for each step on the staircase. Perhaps each day you’ll link two or three steps to your success or achievement experience.

The power of this strategy rests on the fact that the image of success or achievement comes from your real experience and uses your genuine feelings of confidence to counter any negative feelings associated with your challenge. Note that you can also use this staircase in other ways. You can experience and then pair each step with relaxation, mindfulness, rational self-statements, humor, or success or rebounding imagery (both described below).

Activity: Success (Mastery) Imagery

With success imagery, you use mental rehearsal to strengthen neural pathways in the brain associated with successful performance. It is best to combine this strategy with real-life practice. You can apply this strategy to any situation at home or work or on the playing field. The key to success is to keep imagery vivid, imagining and experiencing all the details—what you see, hear, smell, touch, and taste. Most of your awareness will be from the perspective of what you are seeing and sensing from the inside. Perhaps only 25 percent of your awareness will focus on what you would see from the outside, as if you were watching yourself through a video camera.

Lie down or sit comfortably. Spend about five minutes relaxing and composing yourself. Use abdominal breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, or any other skill from part 1.

Imagine yourself succeeding—coping and performing effectively—for about fifteen minutes.

Start by seeing yourself in a pressure-packed situation. You notice that your breathing is calm and regular. Though you are perspiring, your thinking is clear and your body is relaxed and fluid. Your body is moving with confidence and poise. Sense that inside your body.

You see yourself executing your task effectively—smoothly, almost effortlessly, with great concentration. You notice with great clarity what you are focusing on. You sense all parts of your body moving extremely effectively. You enjoy the fun of being in the flow—fully absorbed and meeting each challenge with relaxed efficiency and power.

Practice your imagined success frequently so that the mentally rehearsed execution comes naturally when it matters the most. It is usually best to rehearse one movement or aspect of successful performance frequently before moving on to another aspect. Eventually, you might put the pieces together, as Dr. Spencer Wood (2003) has done in this success imagery for golf (modified slightly and used with permission).

You are at one of the biggest golf tournaments of the year. The time is near for you to tee off and you are looking forward to your opening drive even more so than usual. You are at your very best and you are really enjoying your great form. Take some time to really enjoy your surroundings. Take a deep breath. Relax. See the green fairways, the carefully sculptured hills and bunkers. You can hear the distinctive swish of the clubs being swung as they cut an elegant path through the air. You hear the solid connection of the golf ball and club head. As you address the ball of your opening drive you feel an incredible sense of power, and energy, and joy for the game you love. You love competition and you love competing in golf, one of your favorite things to do in the world. You are so composed, relaxed, and poised. Your concentration and focus are at their very best, and you feel supremely confident. You are committed to doing your best, and you are performing at your very best. You have a great swing. You are accurate and powerful. Your strokes are smooth, fluid, effortless, and accurate. You feel confident and energized, and your positive body language shows it. Your concentration is amazing. You are in a relaxed, comfortable shell of concentration. External distractions such as weather conditions, opponents, or crowd noise do not affect your great composure, concentration, and confidence. You are putting with incredible form and accuracy. You love sharing your putting skills with the crowd. Your short game is just as accurate as your long game. You are at your very best.
Take a deep breath. Relax. Feel free to stay in this warm and comfortable state of relaxation for as long as you wish. You are relaxed and fully refreshed.

Activity: Rebounding (Coping) Imagery

Rebounding (or coping) imagery is mental rehearsal that adds the skill of recovering from common states that interfere with performance, such as excessive anxiety, tension, negative thinking, or faulty execution. It begins, as success imagery does, with five minutes of relaxation. Then you vividly imagine the pressure-packed situation. However, this time you notice yourself experiencing one or more of these common negative states. With calm awareness and without judgment, you simply see yourself correcting these states, as shown in the following table. Many people prefer this type of imagery over success imagery because slipping and then recovering is more typical of real life. Once you’ve performed the steps of this imagery, then complete those of success imagery as described previously.

For This State…	You See Yourself…
Anxiety	Pausing to mindfully accept the feeling without judgment. Next, you let awareness of the anxiety dissolve, and then return your concentration to proper execution.
Tension	Stopping to calm your breathing and relax your muscles.
Negative thoughts, such as… Oh, no, what if I fail? I can’t. I’m too anxious to function. I must do this perfectly.	Calmly thinking… I love doing my best. I can. I enjoy concentrating and doing well. I keep my focus on the moment-to-moment process.
Fatigue, perspiration, elevated heart rate	Thinking, I feel so relaxed.
Making a mistake	Regaining composure and concentration quickly, and executing the next movement successfully.

Follow-Up Self-Talk

After working through a daunting challenge in real life, remember to pay attention to your follow-up self-talk, which affects confidence in the future. If you did reasonably well, reinforce your success. You might think Good job or All in all, not bad or It felt good to prepare and succeed. Take a moment to savor the feeling of satisfaction for what you did to succeed. This will motivate you to do well in the future. If things didn’t go well, you might think, That was a tough situation; next time I’ll prepare differently, or It’s water under the bridge, and now I’ll move on.

Conclusion

It is possible to function well when you’re distraught. However, you’ll typically perform better when you’re calm and confident but not overconfident. Would you prefer to live with confidence or self-doubt? The choice is yours. It’s encouraging to learn that you can develop confidence, just like the other strengths in this workbook.