Time after Toby: thirty-two days. When I heard a man’s voice I shifted around on the sofa bed so I could see into the kitchen. Mum’s friend from work was there with her. For the first time I wondered about him. What was he doing at our place? He’d been around at the start, cooking meals and helping out, but I hadn’t seen him lately. There was something weird about him coming over while Dad was in Hobart.
As they headed outside, I told myself it was probably fine. Maybe Mum hadn’t really settled into Murwillumbah, like me. Maybe she didn’t have any friends either. What happened to us meant people either came close or ran away. Maybe all their new friends had run away. Maybe she was as lonely as I was.
She came back in after a while and sat on the couch watching telly with me. For some reason I suddenly noticed how thin she’d got. It was like I hadn’t seen anything lately. I hadn’t noticed she was thin and pale and lonely. I saw new lines around her eyes and what looked like streaks of grey in her hair. Dad was fat and old and a mess. I wondered how he was going in Hobart. He called every night, but he didn’t say much. Just asked how I was and about the TV programs I’d been watching. He said it was cold down there.
After a while Chen appeared at the door holding a box of plants and Mum stood up.
‘There are more in the car,’ he said. ‘I’ll bring them in.’
‘What are they for?’ I asked after he’d gone out.
Mum blinked. ‘A little project outside.’
My brain was literally going to melt and run on the floor if I didn’t get up. ‘Can I have a look?’
She hesitated.
‘Or do you want to be alone with your boyfriend?’ It was out of my mouth before I thought.
She looked at me like she was shocked. ‘Don’t be stupid, Jarrah.’
The pause before she said it made me think I might be right, but I’d shocked myself too, saying it out loud. ‘Sorry.’
She gave me a weak smile. ‘It’s OK, Jarr. It’s a weird time. The plants are for the pool. I’m turning it into a natural pond. It doesn’t look so great at the moment. But it’ll get better.’
‘I wouldn’t mind seeing,’ I said. It wasn’t really true. I hated anything to do with the pool. But I was so, so sick of lying down. I levered myself off the sofa, balanced on the crutches and followed her outside. Chen was carrying another box of plants into the pool area, holding the gate open with his shoulder. Mum took it and gestured for me to go through.
I swung into the pool area and saw it: the whole pool a thick, gluggy green like a bowl of slime. I came to a dead stop, and had to swallow hard. It was the most disgusting thing I’d ever seen.
‘That’s gross.’
‘It won’t stay like this,’ she said. ‘In a week or two the water will clear up. It’ll be full of plants and fish. Like a real pond. It’ll be alive, won’t it, Chen?’
‘Absolutely,’ Chen said, putting down the box.
‘I’m going back in,’ I said.
‘I’ll come with you.’ Mum started towards me.
I shook my head. ‘Just do your plant thing.’
She hesitated. ‘Jarrah—’
‘I’m not going to kill myself, OK?’ I snapped. ‘You don’t have to watch me every second.’
Mum stepped back and Chen looked shocked. Good. I manoeuvred my crutches and Mum opened the gate to let me through. Felt like she wanted to say something, but didn’t know what.
‘Does Dad know what you’re doing?’
‘What?’
‘The pool. Does he know?’
She let the latch drop so the gate was locked between us. ‘This will turn the pool into something useful, Jarrah. A living system.’
‘But we won’t even be here, will we?’
I made my way inside, flopped back on the sofa bed and watched something so mind-numbing on TV that it put me to sleep. One of those weird hot-afternoon dozes when you don’t know if you’re dreaming or awake. I thought I heard my phone ping. I was sure for a moment Dad was in the room, and once I thought I heard an echo of Toby, as if he were up in his room asking someone to read to him. Then I knew I was dreaming, even in the dream, and tossed and turned until I woke up.
It was cooler and the light had changed. I could hear low voices and the clink of glasses and the thud-thud-thud of chopping from the kitchen. I pulled the sheet up over me and Mum poked her head around the corner.
‘You’ve been asleep again.’
I grunted.
‘Chen’s cooking. Dinner’ll be ready shortly.’ She stepped into the room, holding a glass of wine. ‘What are you watching?’
‘Nothing.’ I found the remote and flicked it off. ‘Hasn’t he got his own family?’
‘He’s been a good friend to me,’ she said, lowering her voice. ‘I don’t have anyone else, Jarrah. Let me have one friend.’
I fiddled with the sheet and wouldn’t meet her eyes.
‘Do you want to invite someone for dinner? Maybe Tom? Laura?’
‘Nope.’
We sat in silence for a while.
‘Go and talk to your friend,’ I said at last. ‘I’ll come in a bit.’
She smoothed her hands over her dress, nodded. ‘Jarrah, it’s best you don’t say anything more about your accident, OK?’
‘Why? Is it embarrassing you?’ I knew I sounded nasty, but she flinched when I said that.
‘We don’t want anyone to take you away,’ she whispered.
I had no idea what she was talking about, but I could see she was upset. I felt sorry then. Tried a smile. ‘It’s OK, Mum.’
‘Is it?’ She looked relieved. ‘We need to be OK, Jarr. We really do.’
I nodded and she went out. I looked at my phone to see if there really was a message or if I’d dreamed it. Even though I didn’t want to think about Tom I checked my messages. He’d come around the night it happened, hadn’t he? I still didn’t know what for. I hoped he was coming to say it was OK, what I’d done, and we could forget about it. Tom was a nice guy. It was the sort of thing he’d do.
There was no message on my phone. There’d been nothing from Tom since that night. Trying to kill myself had pushed things too far. Two really big stupid mistakes in one day that left no doubt what kind of person I was. Too much for him. Couldn’t blame him, really.
From the kitchen I smelled garlic frying. I hadn’t smelled cooking for … it felt like forever. We’d eaten so many casseroles and so much takeaway. When Dad cooked, he always used lots of garlic. He knew he was a crap cook. He told Mum garlic was a substitute ingredient for talent. They used to laugh about it.
I got out of bed and up onto my crutches. I didn’t like that guy.