Dear Members:
Allow me to take this opportunity to say thanks to all of you who voted to give me the honor of leading you into an exciting new era in our country club’s history, even those of you who have called me a lying, thieving, backstabbing, lightweight phony jerk. I hear the talk.
It was a close election, but I saw the momentum swing my way when two members of my slate were released from custody before voting. I’m happy to say the charges may yet be overturned, which would be a good deal for our club as well as their families, not to mention their selves.
I refer to our two new vice presidents, Larry (Gun Crazy) Sharp and Toby (Gimme Putt) Harris. I also wish to congratulate our newly elected treasurer, S. F. (Six Fingers) Cooper, a holdover from the last regime.
There is no question we won on our slate of changes for the club. It was a forward-looking, cost-efficient platform, and overall a victory for the common man. As I argued in my campaign, country clubs need more common people in the membership, particularly those who can’t afford it and have to take out bank loans.
It goes without saying there will be big changes around here, starting with the golf course.
Not just the controversial greens but the bunkers, fairways, trees, roughs, and tees. All the things the touring pros have complained about over the years.
If our annual tournament—the Deutschland Acquisition & Takeover Classic in Association with Nissan’s More Than 1,200 Cargo Van Dealers—is to remain a stop on the PGA Tour, the golf course issues have to be addressed. I’m sure that’s what we all want, except for the two thousand nongolfing social members who don’t get parking passes, and a few sporting ladies who play tennis and mah-jongg.
First thing my regime will do is get rid of the greens. I’m sure many of you remember my campaign slogan, “Poa annua—po us!”
For years our greens have led the league in spike marks, crusty edges, and casual water.
In case you don’t remember the words of Jack Nicklaus a few years back, let me remind you of what he said about our greens.
He said: “I’ve never been able to make a putt on a bear rug.”
We’re going back to our roots, is where we’re going. Sand greens.
Sand greens are cheap and they’re not made of sand, of course. They’re made of shredded cottonseed hulls and oil. Or down on the coast where they’re made of shredded seashells and buttermilk pie. I know this from personal research.
Gimme Putt Harris says he happens to have a big supply of cottonseed hulls in his backyard and he’s willing to let us have it at a fair price. Meanwhile, Six Fingers Cooper says he can make a deal with a certain supermarket for all the bottles of olive oil we need, and he will take only 40 percent for himself.
I’ll be bringing this up before the board.
Other improvements for the golf course, which I heartily endorsed in my campaign, will be the following:
Removal of the Greg Norman Flower Bed to the right of number 9 fairway, and also the Greg Norman Fence on number 1.
Filling in the Craig Wood Gulch on number 10.
Bringing the Arnold Palmer Tee at number 15 back onto the golf course from Mrs. Weaver’s lawn across the road.
Chopping down the Gary Player Oak that hangs over the green on number 14 and disturbs the flight of everybody’s second shot.
Widening the Lawson Little Shrubs on the tee box at number 6 that tend to interfere with so many drives before they get in the air.
Draining the Jug McSpaden Pond to the left of number 18 and replacing it with a structure for luxury boxes. Frankly, there’s not one person in this club who knows who Jug McSpaden was, including me.
As for the food in the Triple Bogey Dining Room and the Lateral Hazard Lounge, you can say good-bye to the ordinary BLTs, Reubens, and hamburgers. I’ve hired the city’s most beloved chef, Neal Thrush, to dish up my personal favorites of his—the squirrel nachos, the rodent sausage, the porcupine burritos, and the Friday Night Special of fried red-lipped batfish on a bed of stewed pineapples and armadillo chunks.
For those of you who liked and were happy with Chef Ernie, I am pleased to report that he has found work at the Pancake Heaven located where Loop 820 West has a head-on with I-35 South.
Naturally I will be addressing one other matter of concern for us all. It is what we should do about the children of our young married members, the little urchins you see running loose constantly, kicking over chairs, tripping waiters, poking people in the ribs, yelling on a golfer’s backswing, and peeing on the entrance hall carpet. I have some ideas that involve nets and tie-down roping.
Our future is ahead of us.
Your President,
Donny Dale Foster