I feel closer to Mum than I’ve felt in years.
However much she tried to mediate between Martin and me, we could never be as naturally affectionate with each other as we might have wanted to be. Martin resented our closeness so we tended to play it down when he was around.
This week, it’s felt really easy to be around each other. I think the fire is making Mum think about her situation, and I’m even hoping she might be amenable to some clearing out, although I certainly won’t be rushing her. It has to be her decision.
In the kitchen this morning over breakfast, she quite naturally starts talking about Alessandro. It’s as if mentioning him yesterday made her realise that the world won’t actually come crashing down on her head if she talks about him.
‘I loved Al so much, you know, but I thought I was too young for commitment. I was in Naples for my gap year with my friend, Joan, serving coffees in a little side-street café, and it was just a holiday romance. Or so I thought.’
‘You must have been really sad having to leave Italy – and him.’
She nods. ‘It was really hard. But I was so single-minded then. I’d made up my mind to study medicine and I had my university place, so the only solution was to bring you up alone.’ She sighs heavily. ‘Little did I know that I’d never feel the same way about any man ever again in my life.’
I pause in buttering my toast. ‘Not even Martin?’
‘Not even Martin. I loved him at the start but, of course, he was on his best behaviour then. We all are at the beginning of relationships. He even seemed to take to you, and I was so delighted because that was always my goal: to find you a lovely dad.’ Her smile is wistful. ‘It was only later, I realised what a damaged man he was.’
‘He didn’t have the greatest of starts in life.’ Martin’s parents had died in a car crash when he was eight and he grew up in children’s homes.
‘I know. I thought I could change him. Mellow him,’ she says. ‘He did try. But in the end, he didn’t try hard enough.’ She reaches for my hand. ‘It broke my heart, knowing he couldn’t love you the way I wanted him to.’
‘You could have left him when you realised it was never going to work.’
‘Yes, but I had you to consider. I kept thinking that two parents were better than one. That’s why I married him, really. I felt deeply guilty that I’d deprived you of a proper dad. I kept telling myself things would get better eventually, and the years just rolled by.’
I can’t believe she’s talking about it at last. It’s as if being away from her crowded bungalow – essentially her prison, where she’s been stuck for years – she can finally breathe new air and see her situation from a different angle.
There’s one thing I really need to know, though.
‘I wish … I wish you’d kept in touch with Alessandro. Al. Why didn’t you, Mum? You’ve just admitted he was the love of your life.’ I stare at her sadly, wanting desperately to understand.
But that’s clearly a question too far, and I can almost see her retreating into her shell.
‘I think I’d like to go over to the house later,’ she says, and my heart sinks. I really don’t want her to go back there just yet..
‘Actually, Erin and Mark have offered to go over there with me,’ I tell her. ‘Just to check out the extent of the damage. So maybe you could just take it easy today. Watch that old black-and-white Bette Davis movie you were talking about?’
Mum smiles. ‘The Old Maid. Yes. She lost the love of her life, too.’
A car draws up outside. It’s Jed. Instantly, my heart starts beating faster.
I open the door to him, feeling oddly shy after blubbing all over him the day before. ‘Hi! How was the turkey?’
‘Very good, actually. Clem and Ryan took over the kitchen and wouldn’t let anyone else in. They did a great job.’
‘So Ryan isn’t missing Jessica too much, then?’
‘Doesn’t look like it.’ He smiles. ‘Listen, do you need any help at your mum’s house? That’s why I’m here.’
‘That’s so good of you, thank you.’ His offer takes me completely by surprise.
‘No problem. Happy to help.’
I nod gratefully. ‘I just need to make sure Mum knows how to work my TV system, then I’ll get changed and be with you.’
‘Don’t worry about that. Go get changed and I’ll show her.’
I smile knowingly at him. ‘I’m sure she’ll love that.’
Ten minutes later, we set off in his car to Mum’s bungalow, a few minutes’ drive away and instantly, my stomach starts grinding round like a washing machine. I’m dreading seeing the state of the place. I psych myself up to follow Jed through the front door, trying to breathe through my mouth because the smell of smoke is still so disgustingly strong. The boxes normally piled up near the front door have been forcibly shoved to the sides of the hallway or trampled underfoot by the firemen in their haste to get to the source of the fire in the living room. Even this small space will take ages to clear up.
But what is stressing me out even more is the fact that Jed has now seen the state the house is in. I know Mum will hate that. And I can’t help feeling a little bit embarrassed myself.
Jed, to give him huge credit, doesn’t do what most people do when they see it for the first time. Generally, jaws drop open and people’s eyes grow large and as round as saucers as they mutter something like ‘Jeez’ under their breath.
‘Mum’s a bit of a hoarder.’ I have to say something by way of explanation, even if it is stating the obvious.
Jed turns and grins. ‘She’s certainly got some stuff. I suppose we all have our crutches in life.’
I laugh. ‘That’s one way of putting it.’
We make our way along to the living room. On the way, I pick up a maroon coat that Mum sometimes wears. It’s on a pile of other clothes, but when I hold it to my nose, it reeks of smoke. I throw it back on the heap.
‘All her clothes are going to stink of smoke. Everything will.’
Jed turns. ‘White vinegar and baking soda in the wash gets rid of the smell apparently.’
‘Really?’
He chuckles. ‘Yeah. I’m a mine of useless information like that.’
I smile at him, my eyes welling up. ‘Thank you.’
‘What for?’
‘Just for being here.’ I swallow hard and he nudges me gently.
‘Hey, any time.’
We’re standing in the living room where the fire originated, and I suddenly catch sight of Mum’s sofa, where she always sat. It’s completely destroyed, along with the standard lamp beside it. It really brings it home to me what a lucky escape she had.
‘Mum should see this sofa for herself.’ My voice catches. ‘It might make her realise just how dangerous her hoarding has become.’
Jed nods, looking around him, assessing the damage. ‘So I guess today you just want to rescue a few belongings you think your mum will need over at yours?’
I nod. ‘I don’t want to start clearing lots of stuff out without her here. She has to want to do it.’ I glance up at him. ‘It’s so great to have your support, what with …’
He nods slowly, guessing what I was going to say.
What with Harrison not being here.
We’re standing next to each other. I look up at him, and he’s staring down at me with an intensity that makes the breath catch in my throat. Our eyes lock, and a shiver runs through me. The small space between us seems super-charged, and when he reaches over and puts his arm casually round me – meaning to give me some support and comfort, I suppose – my entire body responds. Little electric impulses shoot right through me, to parts of my body I’d almost forgotten existed.
Swept away on a tide of emotion, I curl into him, against his body, and he slips his other hand around my waist and holds me firmly against him. My gaze drops from the green depths of his eyes to his beautiful, firm mouth. And then we’re kissing, and he’s holding me against him even tighter, with a sort of urgent desperation, and I’m tangling my fingers in his hair then slipping my hands under his coat, running my fingers over the hard muscles of his chest as our bodies meld together and stars start exploding in my head.
Then suddenly, he pulls away, leaving us both gasping for breath. He catches my arms as I lurch forward, wondering what’s happening.
‘Sorry.’ He steadies me, then pushes his hands through his hair, staring down at the ground. ‘That was my fault.’
‘No, it was mine,’ I murmur, the quiver in my voice echoing the shaking in my body. I think of Harrison and a feeling of guilt and despair surges through me.
Jed was just being gentlemanly, claiming he made the first move.
It was all down to me.
*
When we leave Mum’s house a while later, I’ve brought a bag of clothes, which I’m going to put through the washing machine to try and get rid of the acrid smell of smoke. Also in the boot is a box that’s slightly charred but holds papers and documents that are unscathed by the fire.
As we drive the short distance back to mine, Jed’s phone rings on his internal Bluetooth system and the name that comes up is ‘Kat’. My heart squeezes painfully. Katerina. Jed’s ex. The girl he wanted to marry …
As he talks, I stare out of the passenger window, doing my level best not to appear as though I’m listening in. When I glance at his profile, his expression is neutral. He’s not exactly beaming from ear to ear at hearing from her. But who knows what’s going on under the surface? They seem to be arranging to meet for a catch-up. Not that I was straining to hear above the radio that’s still playing. Not at all …
I stare miserably at my hands, clasped together in my lap. Right now, I feel like a tiny boat on a boiling sea – tossed high in the air one moment, then hurled down into the depths the next. Sitting so close to Jed but feeling as if there’s a football-pitch-sized space between us is torture. I’m acutely aware of his gravelly voice, still talking to Kat, in my ear; strong hands on the steering wheel; long, muscled thighs splayed out, within tempting touching distance.
I give myself a little shake. This is no good at all. I can’t possibly have feelings for Jed if I’m going to marry Harrison.
The thought swirls around in my head for a moment. Then a disturbing realisation starts to dawn – before hitting me with the full force of a tree crashing through the roof of a house.
Oh my God. I’ve got feelings for Jed!
But I can’t have. What about Harrison? I’m going to marry Harrison!
I sit there, bolt upright, staring ahead in utter horror. I’ve fallen hook, line and sinker for the man sitting next to me. A man who happens to be in complete ignorance of the torrent of emotions that’s tumbling through me right this minute—
‘Are you okay?’ When he speaks, it’s such a shock, I practically jump into next week.
‘Er, yes. Fine, thanks.’ Apart from the fact that my heart is attempting to break out of my chest. ‘It was really great of you to help me face the chaos over there.’
‘No problem.’ He smiles at me and I melt.
He honestly has no idea how dangerous those smiles are. The scorching effect on my body is enough to heat the water in three hot tubs simultaneously.
We agree that I’ll be back cooking dinner for them the following night, and he says he has to be somewhere right now so he needs to dash off. So we transfer the clothes and the box of papers to the boot of my car (I don’t fancy the smoky odour permeating the house) and I wave him off.
There’s a heaviness in my chest. No prizes for guessing where he has to be in a hurry.
Kat.