I’m so excited to tell her, that I call while I’m cooking breakfast.
‘Stella, it’s me. I watched the footage, it’s unbelievable. Honestly, the bit where you come around from the anaesthetic and say “How do they look?” is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever seen on screen. You’re going to be so proud,’ I say, meaning it.
‘Oh my God, I’m nervous to see it,’ she says, but I know she can’t wait.
‘Look, it’s surgery, some bits are hard to watch but the way that doctor just whipped out your breast tissue, then slid in your new boob. I mean, it’s just amazing what they can do. How are you feeling?’
‘I feel good. I managed a walk today, I got my hair cut. I’m just so relieved it’s done. I wish I’d done it years ago. When does this episode go out?’
‘End of next week. The last one has had nearly two million viewers, this one might break the Internet. They love you, they love your honesty. Do you need anything? I can drop in later with some food if you like?’ I offer, not loving the idea of her being alone.
‘No, I’m fine, thanks though. I’m going to go and see Jessica and the baby.’
‘Oh yeah, how you feeling about that?’ I ask, worried this could be a trigger for her.
‘Honestly? She was in labour for fifty-eight hours, had seventeen stiches in her vagina and anus. I feel like I got off lightly.’
‘Ha! That’s the spirit. OK, call me later, love you, bye.’
I hang up and I drop the phone in the frying pan.
‘Mmm, fried phone, my favourite,’ Jason says, coming back from dropping Annie to school. I get my phone out of the pan with a spatula, and put it on a tea towel.
‘I messed up the eggs. Toast?’
‘They’re not the eggs I’m after anyway,’ he says, kissing me and putting his arms around my waist.
‘Don’t forget what the doctor said; I’m old, this could take a while.’
‘I know, so let’s enjoy the practising,’ he lifts me onto the work surface, and lifts up my skirt. My phone rings. Still with the spatula in my left hand, I answer it. My hand and ear are now covered in grease.
‘Vicky!’
‘Oh, hey, boss. So I’ve done pretty well on pinning down that woman you read about in Grazia. The one who was a part of that cult for years and none of her family knew? She’s running her own retreat in the Hebrides, she left the kids with her man in London. She’s really something; I can’t work out if I like her or not. Perfect fodder for DontFollowTheHerd. Thought maybe I could go up and meet her at the end of the week? Wouldn’t mind getting away from the kids, to be honest.’
‘Yeah, sounds great. Do it. Good work.’
‘Thanks, boss!’
I offered Vicky a job as soon as L’Oréal sent me the contract. I had to give in and admit that her ideas were really good. She’s actually one of the best researchers I’ve ever worked with. Who knew?
‘Sorry, Jason, what were we saying?’
‘You were saying you were old, or something really sexy like that.’
‘Oh yes,’ I say, as he pulls my knickers off and throws them over his shoulder.
I drop the spatula on the floor.