TONY and Marian had been dating six weeks when her birthday loomed, in Tony’s mind, as ominously as the north face of Everest. He wanted desperately to impress her but was hobbled by a disastrous history of gift-giving that had seen him buy previous girlfriends things like bananas (during a shortage!), a tow bar (useful!) and a rape alarm (just a precaution!). He considered lingerie but worried she’d find it creepy. So he compromised and bought her thermal underwear. If it ended their relationship, he reasoned, she’d at least be warm on those cold, lonely nights without him.