Lily Sinclair shouldered her overnight pack and settled her goggles over her face as she resumed her trek into the gently falling snow. Extreme camping at Christmas on Mt. Rainier hadn’t seemed like such a bad idea in October, but the weather proved to be more challenging than she’d expected in December. Too late to turn back now.
She’d already been hiking for four hours on Christmas Eve and the sky grew darker with each step up the slopes. Her crampons crunched in the crusty snow and icy wind chapped her face below the goggles. She had a funny feeling she’d be seeing her brother soon, and no matter what her reason told her, she couldn’t shake the certainty. Linus has been dead for two years. You won’t see him tonight no matter what extremes you go to. But the certainty wouldn’t leave.
Lily crested a ridge that should have given her a breathtaking view of the foothills to the west, but the blizzard obliterated visibility beyond a few feet. At least I think that’s west. She pulled out her compass and swept the glass free of snow as the needle steadied, pointing to her left.
West meant “down,” “safety,” and “friends,” but Lily wanted “magic,” “peace,” and “solitude.” Surely God or whoever would grant her this wish on Christmas. I just want to see Linus again. She turned over her right shoulder and pushed on, determined to find the magic of life she’d lost with her twin brother’s death.
She’d tried everything to find it: parasailing, hang gliding, avalanche snowboarding, waterfall kayaking. Anything to initiate the spark and electricity of what life had to offer when she’d lost half of her soul. Initially, she’d found momentary thrills and pleasure, but as the months passed, she’d had to find more and more extreme activities to approach any joy.
Her friend Felicity Coeur convinced her to go to the Rainy Nights Romance Reader Event in Seattle in October as a relaxing, but exciting new conference. And it had been fun for a short time, until she remembered how much Linus had loved to read and would have enjoyed being there as well.
This isn’t helping. The voice belonged to her counselor, but Lily was done listening to those who said they could help fill the well of grief in her heart. She pushed her body harder to make more ground. At least I’m going up to the top of the world.
Everyone assumed depression brought you down, but Lily wouldn’t succumb to conventional belief. When she and her friends had won the grand prize of a four day, three night stay at the Paradise Lodge for Christmas, she’d started making plans on how to make the event the best of her whole life. And how to find the peace she craved.
A gust of snowflake-laden wind snapped her back to the present and she scanned the white world ahead. Though she knew the sun hadn’t set yet, the world lay swaddled in snowy twilight and the determined survivalist in her warned she’d have to build some sort of shelter soon. Her legs told her the ground climbed, but her eyes couldn’t detect features in the winter expanse.
Everything smelled wet, cold, and fresh, and her weather sense warned of a larger, heavier storm approaching. Linus had often teased her about her “weather witchiness,” but he’d always listened to her gut feelings when it came to storms.
Except that one night. Why didn’t you listen to me then, Linus?
Because she hadn’t been there. She’d been hiking in Snowy Mountains of Australia that Christmas with her Wild Women Travel group. Linus had only been going out to pick up groceries for Christmas Eve dinner—something as mundane as butter or eggs. Friends told her the roads had been slick with black ice and the stupid asshole who’d hit him where he waited at a red light had been so drunk, he’d survived the ensuing crash with only broken leg. Linus had died on impact, and Lily struggled to live with the broken heart.
“Ugh!” Tears squeezed into her goggles and she blinked them away. “Just find a place to start digging and let it go for the moment.”
Shoving her thoughts away, Lily searched through the snow to find the best place for a cave without causing an avalanche down slope. She might be contemplating the end of her existence, but she had no interest in hurting anyone else. Pain filled the world and she wouldn’t carry anyone else’s death on her shoulders. Lily had just enough light to find a spot below a saddle in the ridge and swung her pack to the ground.
“I’m so sorry, Linus. I should have been there.” Logic said she couldn’t have done anything for him, but her heart screamed with guilt. Survivor’s guilt, she’d heard. A pretty name for the deep and abiding ache riding her soul.
Lily unpacked her shovel and ice axe, stomping out a front walk to give her some purchase before she started digging. She attacked the snow with all the pent up anger, grief, and pain she’d carried for two long years.
Snow flew in all directions as she worked, her mind whirling with all the memories of Linus and her friends, anything to give a little relief from the building sorrow. The gifts she’d set up for her friends at the Paradise Lodge crossed her mind and the gift notes she’d left flashed before her mind’s eye.
Dear Elaine, Felicity, and Portia,
Happy Holidays! I’m so excited for this Christmas and all the adventures we’ll have at the Paradise Lodge. In celebration of spending this holiday up in the mountains, my favorite place, I’ve gotten you all gifts I hoped you like.
Elaine, my gift to you is one night, Christmas Eve, to roam the Paradise Lodge, even the closed portions, for paranormal investigations. You’ll have access to all the rooms known to be haunted. Good luck and good hunting!
Felicity, I know you claim to hate the snow, but don’t knock it until you try it. In that vein, my gift to you is a day of ski lessons through the lodge. The lessons start at 11 am - don’t be late. As I understand it, the staff is very capable and very attentive. I haven’t met him, but I hear the lead instructor is pretty hot. You can thank me later. *wink*
Portia, for you I’ve arranged a day in the Lodge’s kitchen, planning the menu for Christmas Day. The catering manager is available during the day, but he supervises the kitchen at night. The hotel has assured me he’s very professional and looking forward to meeting you. I’m sure you can swap recipes.
I hope you all have a delightful time and enjoy your gifts. For me, I’m going extreme ice camping out on the slopes of Mt. Rainier. This will give me a chance to find some peace after the busy Christmas retail season.
Much love and Merry Christmas,
Lily
She refused to mention she’d quit her job or sold pretty much all her stuff except the really valuable items. She didn’t want to bring them down on Christmas. But her Christmas gift to herself consisted of this time on the slopes, to find peace and magic, and hopefully see her brother one last time, before letting everything go.
Suicide is never a good option, Lily. You won’t see your brother again and you’ll only hurt those who love you. She didn’t plan on suicide. She only wanted to go camping in the snow, pitting her strength against the elements. Sure, there was always risk involved, but she knew how to take care of herself and how far she could push. And yeah, she might not make it, but she didn’t seek death. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Lily hollowed out a tunnel, letting her mind drift away from hurtful thoughts as work took over. Her shoulders ached as she expanded the snow to provide space for her tent and gear. The snow would act as insulation against the wind and blizzard howling beyond the breach. And she’d be safe, relatively warm, and dry in her little cocoon for Christmas. Linus and I can celebrate one last time. It would be perfect.