Sometimes You Wish

You Were in Eighth Grade

…Because if you were, then you would be able to actually have a decent conversation at lunch with Sunny and her friends, instead of walking past a table of Cro Mags who STILL call out, “Do you have a flower for ME, Ducky?” and throw you kisses, which makes you vow to drop your milk shake all over them someday even though it may cost you your life, and you’re supposed to meet Jay, but he’s not there, so you end up sitting with Alex, who is reading a horror novel and not eating. And he doesn’t look up, so you ask him how it is, and he says, “Okay. I don’t really know what it’s about.” And the only response you can think of—“then why are you reading it?”—seems nasty so you shut up and eat.

And that’s when you see Jay, halfway across the room with a hot-lunch tray.

You wave to him and shout, “Over here!” but he just glares at you.

And you finally have a conversation with Alex the Silent. Something along the lines of

D: “What’s with him?”

A: “He won’t sit here if I’m here.”

D: “You guys have a fight or something?”

A: “Nahh, he’s just a jerk. You can go sit with him. I want to be alone anyway.”

D: “That’s okay.” [Start eating. Notice Alex’s lunch bag is on the seat beside him.] “You had lunch already?”

A: “Nahh. Not hungry.”

D: “You feeling all right?”

A: “No.”

D: “Sick?”

A: “No.”

D: “Bad mood?”

Alex tunes you out and continues reading. And you have that weird feeling again. Only this time the feeling tells you something is seriously wrong. But you’re so frustrated and insulted and confused, all you can say is, “Hey, don’t mind me, I don’t exist.”

A: “I didn’t ask you to sit here.”

D: “Right. You didn’t. I’ll just leave, okay?” [Stand up. Sit down.] “Okay, what is wrong, Alex?”

No answer.

D: “Talk to me, will you?”

A: “Why should I talk to you? You’re not my therapist.”

D: “You’re seeing a therapist?”

A: “Maybe. None of your business.”

D: [Chew, chew, chew, swallow.] “You know, there’s nothing wrong with that. A lot of my friends have seen therapists.”

A: “Yeah?”

D: “Ted used to see one—not anymore, but back when Mom and Dad first started going on long trips. He was pretty young. Fifth grade, I think.”

A: “I started way before that.”

D: “When?”

A: “I don’t know. When I was five or six. I don’t remember NOT having a therapist.”

Five or six.

This is news.

Big news.

You feel like you’ve been hit in the stomach.

Your mind is flashing back to your childhood. To the Old Alex. To the one big friendship of your life. To the person whose mind you could read. The guy you knew inside and out.

You were wrong.

He was keeping something from you. All those years, he was seeing a shrink. Going to appointments. Pouring out his problems to someone else.

And you didn’t even notice.

WHEN? When did he go? Those times his mom would pick him up early on Saturday afternoons? She always said they were going shopping. You just assumed they shopped a lot.

And WHAT problems?

Except for those few months after the divorce, he always seemed pretty happy.

Or maybe he was just a good actor. Covering up his sadness. Fooling you. Completely.

You didn’t know your best friend after all.

So you’re thinking about this and not saying anything, and Alex is looking at you weirdly, and you’re thinking maybe he can still read YOUR mind, and you’re embarrassed as hell, and all you can think to say is, “Why?”

Which is not the right question, because Alex looks like he wants to cry, and he grabs his lunch, says, “Because I’m a psycho, I guess,” and leaves.

You should run after him, but you’re too stunned or something, which is too bad, because who should sit next to you but Jay.

He’s grinning, and a shy-looking girl is with him.

Her name is Barbara, and he’s told her all about you….

Midnight Musings

You WILL tell him off.

Again.

You were too chicken to do it over lunch. Not that you COULD anyway, with BARBARA standing right there, smiling at you, and your mind still on Alex and his secret life. All you could do was smile and say hi and try to act normal because she seemed like a nice enough person, as you watched Alex disappear down the hallway.

But you will tell Jay off, when you get the chance. If you have to yell at him a hundred times, you will.

DUCKY, YOU WILL NOT BE DUMPED ON.

But first things first.

The Alex department.

Some progress.

Talked to him after school. A little. He seemed in a hurry to get home. Maybe he had a shrink appointment.

Here’s what I learned:

He’s depressed. He’s been depressed his whole life. It gets better, then it gets worse. That’s why he’s in therapy.

WHAT is he depressed about?

HE WON’T SAY.

The divorce?

You asked him that. He said no. He’s handling that fine. Or so he says. Besides, he was in therapy BEFORE that.

Is it Paula? YOU wouldn’t love having her for a younger sister. But PLENTY of people have bratty siblings. They don’t have to go to a shrink for it for a whole lifetime.

School? Girl problems?

Is ANYTHING so serious that a person would need therapy for so long?

Therapy is supposed to HELP. You have a problem, you go, you talk, you get better. Like going to the doctor. Like what Ted did.

But this is different. This is almost a WHOLE LIFE.

A whole life with YOU in the middle of it. You, his best friend. His IGNORANT best friend, thinking you knew everything about him but not knowing a thing.

Why DIDN’T you know?

Why didn’t he tell you? You could have listened to his problems and helped him. Maybe he’d be better off now.

His shrink sure hasn’t helped.

Was the problem YOU?

Did you do something wrong?

Okay, you once squirted him in the eye with a water pistol and he said he wanted to kill you. That was in third grade.

You made Dad rent that horror movie when Alex and you were seven—and no one checked the rating, and it was so scary that Alex had nightmares for a week and his mom lectured you about unsuitable images. That was your fault.

You convinced him to sneak into Mrs. Kennedy’s yard and she caught him but not you, and when she threatened to call the police and Alex was shaking with fear, you did nothing to help him.

My god, YOU WERE A LOUSY FRIEND. And what did you do during the Snyders’ divorce? Nothing. You never wanted to talk about it. You didn’t understand it, and you figured it wasn’t your business.

How would YOU feel if you were a kid in the middle of your biggest life crisis, and your best friend just abandoned you?

You’d lose it.

You’d probably be just like Alex.

DUCKY. CHILL.

You are making a big deal out of this. At least he’s talking to you. At least he’s confiding something.

After a lifetime of keeping secrets from you.

Idea Over Breakfast

Here’s a thought:

Alex is quiet and miserable.

Sunny is loud and miserable.

They might actually get along.

Maybe they should meet.

Upon Further Reflection

Over Lunch

What are you, nuts?

In Which

Christopher Discovers

That He Is Still Enrolled in School

You should have given Ms. Patterson TWO carnations on Valentine’s Day, Ducky.

Maybe you wouldn’t have flunked the math test.

But you didn’t. And you did.

You are in deep doo-doo.