I ask Mami why it was like that. Open casket. She tells
me that’s just the way we do it—we look death in the face.
She doesn’t know about the death industry. The money
made from pumping a body full of pink liquid, how they
peel a face off then back on, prick needles into the corners
of eyes to make you look like you’re sleeping.
At night she will pace her empty house with the lights on,
holding her hand to her chest, while her heart thumps wildly,
trying to believe in the glass of water in her hand. Mariajose asks me if I ever
get those scary feelings that jerk me awake before I fall asleep.
While driving, Stephanie tells me not to put my feet up
on the dashboard because if there’s a car accident—God forbid—
my legs will break backward. Abuelita needs a note from the doctor
in order to get her citizenship. The note reads seemed very nervous,
was looking around and scratching her scalp, picking her nails, perhaps signs
of early dementia. Olivia says if I ever find her body hacked to bits
in a ditch, most likely it was a man who did it. On Super Bowl Sunday
Stephanie sends us a picture of her husband with his tongue
out, all goofy, all playful, gripping a bloody package of ribs.
The word carne means meat, but also flesh. Mami taught me
this when she described the way a sewing needle pierced the space
between her thumb and pointer finger. It’s very easy to picture myself inside
every white van I walk by; tied up in the back, twitching and screaming.
Or at the bottom of every lake. Or just choking
on a piece of lonely pasta. I can see myself bleeding out on a motel’s clean carpet.
I can see myself crying over a body but also being the body.
I can see the way I must look to my mother, my Abuelita,
my sisters, my friends, my fans. Here is my corpse, modest
in royal purple. Here’s my flower, resting against my chest.
Here are my lips, locked and painted red. Here are my rogue
baby hairs, gelled in a perfect curl. Here are my almond eyes, closed.
I am so safe.
Zombies are so totally out
and basically a fear-mongering
tool to get you to filter your
water or not vaccinate
your kids. We are not
saying we don’t trust
the government. Not this time.
This time we are
saying … don’t you ever feel like
people would care about
you more if you were dead?