At the end of a long day a week later, I turn the corner into our street and see a figure sitting on our wall. I squint at it. I’m starting to wonder if I need glasses - I’m sure my distance vision has gone downhill.
The figure stands as I approach and my step falters when I see it’s Phillip. He’s in casual clothes for the first time in ages. His nose is pink and he’s rubbing his hands. How long has he been sitting there?
I sink my chin further into my scarf.
“Good evening, Brittany,” he says, as I reach the gate. “I hope you’re well.”
I dip my hand into my bag and finger my house keys. “What are you doing here, Phillip?”
“I thought I would call round and see James,” he says, “and you. I hoped we could talk.”
There’s nothing I’d like less, but I can’t deny him access to his son. Especially since he’s actually asked.
“The nanny wouldn’t let me in without you.”
I’m liking Lauren more and more.
“She’s not the nanny now, she’s my housemate,” I say, heading up the front path. “Come in. You’re very welcome to see James, although it would be helpful if you could call first to check we don’t have plans.”
“Of course. I’ll be sure to in future.”
How are you supposed to act with a man you once loved but don’t anymore? Seventeen more years - at least - of awkwardness is ahead of us. Will it get any easier once we’re officially divorced?
I unlock the front door and we go inside.
“I thought I could take you for dinner.”
“Carly’s gone out to get fish and chips for three,” Lauren calls from the front room, “and James is grumpy; he needs to go to bed as soon as. Shame.”
“It was a very kind thought,” I say, sensing Phillip stiffening beside me. “Perhaps when we both have the same day off, we could all go to lunch. That might be easier for dinner. James seems to need extra sleep at the moment - I think he might be having another growth spurt.”
“Well...” Phillip eyes Lauren, sitting on the sofa with James on her knee. “I’ll come with you to bathe him and we can talk then.”
That’s a first.
“Assuming he remembers who you are and doesn’t scream the place down,” Lauren says.
I glare at her. Surely a trained nanny should understand the importance of encouraging father-son time. “That would be lovely.”
I take James and bring him to Phillip. “Say hello to Daddy.”
James stares at Phillip for a moment, then his face crumples and his mouth opens and...
“Told you so.”
“He’s just tired,” I say, cuddling him close. “Come on upstairs.”
Phillip sits on the loo seat while I kneel by the bath and wash James as quickly as he’ll let me get away with.
“Brittany, I’ve come to a realisation,” he says.
I gently wet James’s head. “What’s that?”
“Clearly my... interests... bother you a good deal more than I’d appreciated. I’ve thought the matter over and, for the sake of our marriage, I’ve decided to enter counselling.”
I drop the sponge into the bath. “Oh.”
“I won’t be going to see my practitioner again…”
“Oh.”
“… and if you feel marriage guidance would be helpful, then I’m willing to try that as well. I also think I need to spend more time with you and James while I’m not at work. I want you to know that I don’t blame you for leaving. If anything, I should thank you. I needed a wake-up call, darling, and you’ve given me one.”
I rub a drop of shampoo onto James’s head, though he hardly has enough hair to make it worthwhile. My insides feel tightly knotted.
Why, why, why did he have to wait until now to do this? I’d just adjusted to the idea of being on my own. I was even starting to look forward to the future, and now he wants to pull me right back into the past.
“Darling, please turn around.”
Slowly, I do - and look at the man I promised to love until death us do part.
“What do you say, darling?” he asks, smiling at me. He almost looks like the happy young man I married. “Come back to me and I’m sure, if we try, we can put this whole episode behind us.”
I have to say something in response. My heart wants to say no, but my mind insists that people can fall back in love. I left him because he said he was happy with things as they were and wasn’t willing to change, but if that’s no longer the case then maybe we do have a chance. Maybe we can get back to what we had those first few months, when he was my prince and I felt like a princess.
“I know you want the best for James,” Phillip says, “and surely it’s best for him to live with both his parents? I know this has been hard on you, but I’m certain you can find it in your heart to try again. For James’s sake.”
How can I argue against that? I do want the best for my son and I do think he would benefit from us being happily together. Isn’t it my responsibility as a mother to try everything possible to secure that for him?
And, at the end of the day, I made a promise to my husband - and I should keep it.
I take a deep breath and look up at him. “On the condition that you don’t go back to that house and we go to counselling... I’m willing to try again.”
“Excellent. We’ll pack up your things and I’ll take you home tonight.”
“No!” I say. “That is, no. It’s too late, James is tired and I have work tomorrow. We’ll move Tuesday, when I’m off.”
“Of course.” Phillip gets up and comes over, helping me to my feet and giving me a hug and a kiss, and I feel like Snow White in reverse, as it leaves me feeling cold and dead inside.
“Are you nuts?!”
“Don’t yell, Lauren, you’ll wake James,” I say, sprinkling some more salt over my chips. I don’t even raise my voice. I feel numb.
“You are not going back to him.”
“That’s not your decision.”
“It’s not a decision, it’s an intervention. If I come across someone threatening to harm themselves, I’m going to stop them.”
“Lauren...” Carly says.
“It’s not like I’m about to jump off a bridge.”
“You might as well be.”
“He’s promised to change. He wants to work on things.”
Lauren gives a little scream of frustration. “For the love of peanut butter, he is playing you. He thought he had all the power, then we got that footage and everything changed. Suddenly, you were the one in charge of the divorce, which meant the only thing he could do was stop it happening. And how could he do that? By making a load of empty promises to get you to come back.”
“Lauren...”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes. I. Do.”
I put down my fork. “How?”
Lauren lifts her chin. “Because I’ve seen this scenario play out before.”
I blink at her. “You?”
She shakes her head impatiently. “No, not me. Do you seriously see me with a man like that? Someone I cared about - and that’s all you’re getting.”
“Even so, that doesn’t mean the same thing will happen to me.”
Lauren throws up her hands. “Why does everyone persist in thinking they’re special? You’re not. Same scenario, same personalities, same outcome.” She shoves her chair back. “I’m taking my chips to bed. Life’s too short to spend trying to talk sense into stupid people.”
She takes her plate and sweeps out of the kitchen.
Carly sighs. “I’ll be glad when she gets a job. Boredom always brings out her dramatic side.”
We eat in silence for a few minutes.
“But you think she’s right, don’t you?” I ask.
“Do you?”
“I...”
She must be being unfair to him. I don’t know if he can change and I don’t know if I can love him again, but he has to be sincere about trying. He can’t be that manipulative.
“No,” I say, “and if he’s willing to try again, I have to be.”
Carly watches me closely. I meet her eyes, resolutely.
“Well, I admire your commitment,” she says, “but... if things don’t work out, know that you can always come back here.”
“Thank you.”
The doorbell rings. I’m startled, before I remember that Zack said he would come round and put our cupboard back up tonight. Why didn’t I tell him to come another day?
I hastily wipe my eyes and go through to answer the door.
“One man with drill,” Zack says. He frowns. “You all right?”
“Fine. Please come in.”
I wait while he takes his coat off and then lead him through to the kitchen. “Thank you very much for this,” I say, once he’s greeted Carly. “Would you like tea, coffee, some chips?”
“Coffee would be great. It’s freezing out there - maybe we’ll even get a white Christmas.”
“James would like that. He’s never seen snow.”
“I’m not going to wake him, am I?”
“You shouldn’t. His room is at the front of the house and he looks hard out.”
I sit back down to my chips as he opens his toolbox.
“The volcano not around tonight?”
I have to smile at this description of Lauren. “She’s upstairs, bubbling.”
“Cat fight?”
“Something like that.”
“What about?”
While I’m still debating how to answer, Carly does. “Brittany and her husband have decided to give things another try. She’s moving back in.”
I shoot her a murderous glance. I get a steady gaze back.
Zack has stopped work. “Seriously? After all we went through to get you that video, you’re going back to him?”
“I’m very grateful for what you did...”
“To a man who hits you.”
“He didn’t hit me, he grabbed my arm. Once. He apologized and has been forgiven. Everyone makes mistakes.”
“And pays people to hit him.”
“He’s promised to stop and he’s getting treatment.”
Zack rams a drill bit into the drill. “I take it Lauren told you not to go.”
“Forcefully.”
“Good. Maybe you’ll listen to her.”
I can’t take this.
“Please, please, will you all just stop it? It’s hard enough to convince myself to go, without you all...”
I break off. “I’m going to bed,” I say. “Just leave me alone.”
“Please tell me you’ve changed your mind about going back?” is the first thing Zack says to me when I go into the kitchen the next day to decorate some cupcakes.
I nearly walk straight back out again. “No, I haven’t.”
He slams down a bowl. “Brittany, you can’t...”
“Don’t tell me what I can’t do!” I snap. “I’ve had enough of people dictating to me. Why doesn’t anyone trust me?”
Zack is quiet for a minute, then he shakes his head. “Look, I’m sorry, I’m not trying to dictate to you, I’m... Brittany, I’m seriously concerned about that guy. I know I’ve only met him once...”
“Exactly, you’ve only met him once. I’ve known him for six years - I’m married to him - and yet everyone seems to think they know him better than me.”
I start gathering my things together. “He’s not a bad man. No, things haven’t been good recently, but if we try hard I’m sure they can get better.”
“Do you still love him?”
No.
“People can fall back in love.”
“Then do you still respect him?”
“Yes.” I stare into my mixing bowl. “I believe him when he says he wants to address the problems in our marriage and I’m sure he’ll work very hard at it now he’s decided. I expect we’ll soon be very happy again.”
Several long minutes tick by.
“Well, all right,” Zack says. “No one can accuse you of taking your marriage vows lightly. Just… if you’re going to do it, give it a proper go. Don’t go back and be unhappy.”
“I don’t want that either.”
But is it what I’m going to get?
On Monday night, I take James into my bed. I’ll probably destroy months of patient work on his sleep habits, but I need to be with him. Phillip would never allow co-sleeping - not even when James was ill and I’d looked into how to do it safely. I’ll never have another chance.
I lay my hand on him so I can feel him breathing. I love his tummy; it’s so warm and soft. I wish it was summer again so he didn’t have to be bundled up in vests.
“I can do this for you,” I tell him softly. “I want you to have everything, including a mummy and daddy who love each other. I’ll learn to love Daddy again and soon these few months will just be a bad dream.”
He snuffles in response.
There will be things we can do to improve our relationship. Perhaps I’ll suggest that he considers a career change. If he didn’t need to protect himself so much at work, he’d open up again surely? And we can find a common interest. I could even give golf a try. Maybe we should leave James with my parents and take a holiday together. Time to relax and spend time as a couple is bound to help.
Zack is right; I have to fully commit. I’ve already wasted too much of my life feeling unhappy, but doing nothing to change things. I’m going to do everything I possibly can to rebuild my marriage.
Just as long as Phillip does too.