June 6 at 8:43 PM
From: Audrey <audreywilliams56@mymail.net>
To: Alex Williams
Hello Son
I’ve been thinking about you a lot this last week.
I think about you almost constantly, is the truth of it. Sometimes it’s a quiet thing at the back of my mind, like a radio left on in another room. And then there are the things that catch you off guard. Like last week, I was in Morrison’s and they had a special offer on blueberries. Oobries, you called them as a toddler. And remembering that, I all of a sudden needed to be out of there as quickly as possible. Just left my trolley half full in the aisle and walked out the door. And I just walked and walked until it was nearly dark.
In my mind you exist as so many different versions of yourself. From baby to boy to great strapping man. Maybe it’s the summer coming on (you always loved those long school holidays!) but lately when I close my eyes, I see you as a lanky 11 year old, all skinny legs and grazed knees. It was hard without your dad around to help, but you and Pat were good boys – even if you did give me the run around! The number of nights I’d fall asleep exhausted on the sofa, probably I slept as many hours there as in my bed. But I’m not complaining son. I loved your energy and joy and noise and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. There’s gouges in the banister from where you and your brother would slide down, even though I told you a hundred times not to! They’ve been painted over a few times now, but I can still see the marks in the wood. And when I feel them under my hand, it’s almost like I can feel you too. So no, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Well, I think I’m going to turn in for the night. The sun woke me up just after five this morning, and I don’t think I can keep my eyes open much longer. Every year I think I’ll get thicker curtains, but for some reason I never do. Maybe I’ll look at some in the shops tomorrow – no time like the present don’t they say.
No time like the present son. I think you lived your life that way, and I’m grateful that you did. You should have had longer sweetheart, so much longer.
Sleep well beautiful boy.
All my love and all my heart
Mum xx