The girls offered to come with me to the airport, Rachel volunteering to drive, but I wanted to make this short trip alone. They say they have forgiven Henry, but this is the start of our adventure and I want to keep it between the two of us. My mind is bubbling with immiscible emotions: happiness, fear, excitement, sadness, confusion. I have tears in my eyes, but I honestly couldn’t tell you what flavour they are.
The cab driver glances at my reflection in the rear-view mirror. ‘Alright back there?’
‘Fine,’ I tell him, ‘just got a little . . . eyelash. Got it now.’
‘Going somewhere nice?’
‘I hope so,’ I tell him, laughing to cover what might be received as rudeness.
The driver laughs politely, but he takes the hint.
I check my phone again, but Henry still hasn’t replied to my message.
I love you.
He loves me too, I think.
Maybe he’s waiting to tell me in person at the check-in. Like they would in one of those movies he likes. Over the last two weeks we have watched them all – The Apartment, Gone With the Wind, It’s a Wonderful Life and all the rest – Henry posting them through the letterbox of a charity shop on the way to work the following morning. The collection diminishing at the same rate as the uncrossed boxes on my calendar. And then there were none.
Last night, Rachel ordered pizzas and we ate them in front of Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves. Steve was staying with a friend, so we had the house to ourselves, reminiscing, laughing, trying to predict the future. I slept in Rachel’s spare room, and Vicky took the sofa. Before we turned in for the night, I whispered Rachel into my room, sat her beside me on the bed and showed her the ring Alex never got to give me. We sobbed together, quietly, holding our hands to our mouths so we wouldn’t wake Vicky. Not to exclude her, but to spare me. I wouldn’t have told Rachel, but I need someone to sell the ring or donate it to a charity. Something for widows ideally. It’s been in my pocket since Henry found it, and I cried all over again when I closed Rachel’s hand around the box. But now that it’s gone, I don’t feel the loss I had anticipated.
Maybe because, in a small way, Alex is still with me.