THIS IS NOT ME
“I don’t like it.” Ray paces across the reception room. “Cravath can’t be trusted. Not only that, my contact at the police department thinks they have a match on the prints from the break-in. He’s pretty sure it’s Farnsworth’s PI, Eugene. He’s got a criminal record, so his prints came up in the database search. I would stay, but I’ve got an urgent meeting after I drop Penny off.”
“I’ll be fine.” I give his shoulder a reassuring pat. “I’ll work at Penny’s computer so we’re out in the open. And I’m a fighter. If he tries anything funny, I’ll twist him up in a quick triangle.”
“I’m sorry I can’t stay either,” Penny says. “My mum jumped on the first plane from London when I told her what happened, and I’m picking her up at the airport this evening.”
Almost giddy at the thought of settling the case, I give them a reassuring smile. “You guys go and do what you have to do, and hopefully tomorrow we’ll be celebrating the end of Farnsworth and the start of a whole new law firm.”
Ray gripes for another ten seconds and then shouts something unintelligible at me before following Penny down the hallway. I pull out my files and then fire up Penny’s computer. Although I’m not worried about being alone with Evil Reid, I wouldn’t want him in my office. Too personal and too far from the front door, as I learned the other night.
Reid arrives five minutes later with his briefcase in his hand and a grimace on his face. “Ready to do business?”
“I haven’t received anything from Farnsworth. Do you have the terms of the offer?” My hands hover over the keyboard, shaking slightly with nervous anticipation.
“One hundred grand.”
My shoulders slump. “That’s it? What about an apology? Or stepping down from his position? It’s not about the money. It’s about the principle. Sexual harassment. Blackmail. He has to be stopped. And I know he’s been spreading rumors. That has to be addressed as well. My reputation is worth something to me.”
Reid reaches into his briefcase and pulls out the blue file. “According to this, you have quite the reputation, but not the kind that can be saved.”
My blood chills and the hair on the back of my neck stands on end. “Where did you get that?”
“I’m on the case. I have access to all the documents.” He perches on the desk and drums his fingers over the file.
“What’s this all about, Reid?” I push my chair away from the desk, away from him. “Is there a settlement offer, or are you here to blackmail me just like he did? Because if you are, the answer is still no. I don’t do blackmail. I also have nothing to lose. I have no job. No employer. No reputation. Soon I will have no house. And my friends wouldn’t give a damn.”
“But your parents would,” he says softly. “Farnsworth told me about them. And what about your fighter boyfriend? What would he think if he found out what kind of person you really are? I don’t know any man who would be too happy to know his girlfriend was intimately familiar with most of the eligible males in the Bay Area. Makes her hard to trust, don’t you think? The kind of girl who would be with him one minute and someone else the next? The kind of girl who can’t commit.” He shoves the file across the desk toward me, and I push myself to my feet and back up to the wall.
“I’m not ashamed of anything in that file, Reid. In fact, all the time I spent looking for love made me realize what love really is. Plus, Jake and I broke up. So if that’s why you’re here, then it’s time for you to leave. But if there really is an offer, then it’s time for us to work.”
Reid closes the distance between us and leans his forearm against the wall beside my head. “There’s an offer from me. One time. You and me. Down and dirty. Right here. On the chair. On the desk. On the fucking floor. I don’t care. But I want you out of my system and that’s what it’s going to take to do it.”
My hands clench into fists, my nails biting into my palms. “Are you crazy? You came here on false pretenses. You’re trying to blackmail me. You and Farnsworth have had someone following me, and I think your PI is responsible for the break-in at my office. In fact, I’m pretty damn sure he is. Not the kind of behavior one engages in if they want to get a woman into bed.”
His eyes darken to black, narrowing at the corners. “Yeah, I arranged to have you followed. But this case is all about reputation, so you should have seen that coming. And since you broke up with your boyfriend, what’s the big deal? He may not want you, but I do, and it’s driving me fucking crazy.”
My hands find my hips and I clench my fists to contain my fury. “You want to fuck me in my office? Is that what I’m hearing?”
Evil Reid sighs. “You don’t want to do it here, we can go someplace else. But at the very least give me a kiss. We’ve known each other for almost three years. It’s not like we’re strangers. Just a kiss and, as a show of good faith, I’ll give you the file.”
We don’t belong together.
We shouldn’t have.
I don’t want you to think my feelings have changed.
Jake’s words echo in my mind. Evil Reid is right about one thing. Jake doesn’t want me. Evil Reid does, and he wants to show me in a way I understand. And…oh God…to get rid of that file…
“Just a kiss and that’s the end of it. You give me the file. You leave and you never harass me again.”
His eyes shine triumphant, but his face softens. “There’s been a spark between us since the day we met, but you never gave it a chance.” He brushes my hair behind my ear with a gentleness I would never have expected from him. “We have that chance now.”
Evil Reid bends down and brushes his lips over mine, engulfing me in the scent of nicotine and cloying cologne. And then I’m kissing him. I’m kissing Evil Reid, trying to soothe the ache in my heart with the knowledge someone wants me, even if only for a heartbeat.
This is not me.
Soft, wet, milky kiss. I try to pull away and Evil Reid’s arm snakes around my waist, holding me tight as his thick, rubbery tongue tries to push its way through the barrier of my teeth. When he paws at my breast, I slap his hand away. Evil Reid is going down.
“Get off me.” I shove Evil Reid away with one of Razzor’s signature moves. He stumbles back, catching himself on the corner of the desk. Only then do I see Jake and Ray in the doorway.
For a long moment nobody moves. Then Jake turns and walks away.
My heart plunges to the floor. I shove past Evil Reid and grab the file off the desk. Then I fly past Ray and out the door.
“Jake.” I am running, running, down the steps and along the sidewalk, so fast the world is a blur except for the tall, blond fighter walking away from me. “Wait. Please.” Breathless, panting, I catch him just as he reaches his Jeep. I hold out the file.
“You want the real me?” My voice trembles. “The part I was holding back? The reason I always had one foot out the door? Why I could never give myself completely to you? Here it is. This is part of who I am. I pushed you away not just because I was afraid to get close, but also because I couldn’t accept who I was and I was afraid you wouldn’t either.”
Jake’s eyes flick to the file and back to me, but he makes no move to take it.
Tears prickle the backs of my eyes. “Fine. If you won’t look at it, I’ll tell you what it says and what it would say if it started from the beginning. It would say Amanda slept around since Cory Rissoli touched her behind the garden shed when she was fourteen, and for fifteen minutes she actually felt someone cared. And when Peter Long took her virginity when she was sixteen, she felt loved and wanted in a way she never had before. And she’s been chasing that feeling ever since.”
I pause for a breath and still Jake doesn’t move. So I keep talking about looking for love with men who wanted anything but, and I can only hope I will say something that will change his mind about walking away.
“But nothing ever lasted because sex isn’t love and love doesn’t happen if you don’t let people in. And it’s hard to let people in when your whole life the people you love have let you down. You stop believing you are worth being loved or even that you have love to give.”
“You were wrong,” he says quietly.
For a long moment we stare at each other. Finally, I hold out the file. “Take it.”
Jake shakes his head and pulls open the door to his Jeep. “I don’t care what’s in the file. What kills me is that you ever thought I would.”
***
Strung out and emotionally drained, I sit in my office and stare at my computer for hours, watching AW AW AW bounce across my screen. I bill no time, do no work, and shuffle no papers. Somewhere in the back of my mind, my body registers hunger. But of course, my microwave is broken and I don’t know how to fix it. When I finally pack up my stuff and leave my desk, I am totally unprepared to find Ray stretched out on the reception couch in the dark. “Ray. It’s two a.m. Why are you still here?”
“Waiting for you.”
My chest tightens. God, what does he think of me? All the time I spent slagging off Evil Reid only to be caught in a lip-lock with him. “What you saw…it was a mistake to start with and then things got out of hand.”
“Don’t need an explanation. I know Cravath and I know you.” He swings his legs down and pats the seat beside him. With a sigh, I join him, thankful for the dark shadows that hide my tear-stained face.
“You don’t know me as well as you think.”
He snorts a laugh. “I know you’re judging yourself and finding yourself lacking. I know you’re putting a value judgment on something that was out of your control. And I know you’re hurting because Jake took off.”
“What was he doing here…with you?”
He cuts me off with a grimace. “Stuff I know about Cravath meant I couldn’t in good conscience leave you alone with him. I dropped Penny off, made a few calls, and told the people I was supposed to meet I had an emergency and to fucking screw themselves if they didn’t change the date. Jake was just getting out of his vehicle when I arrived. Said he’d come here to talk to you.”
I don’t know what to say, so I stay quiet. Instead, I feign interest in the patterns on the couch, gray in the moonlight filtering through the window.
“I know what Cravath was doing here,” he says quietly. “I know he came to blackmail you with the file. And I know what’s in that file.”
My eyes snap to his. “How could you know?”
A pained expression crosses his face and he sucks in his lips and swallows hard before answering. “Because I put it together. Farnsworth hired me to watch you.”
“Oh God.” My stomach clenches so tight I can’t breathe. I scoot along the couch, away from Ray and look at him aghast.
“You followed me? You wrote those reports?” My voice rises with my distress and I push myself off the couch and cross the room, hugging myself tight. “How could you, Ray? I thought we were friends. I hired you for all my work because I thought you were…honorable and trustworthy and…the best.” Realization hits me hard. “That’s why he hired you, isn’t it? Because you’re the best.”
Ray gives me a curt nod. “I didn’t want the case. Damned worst case I’ve ever had. I’ve done things in my life that would make normal men weep. Things I’ll never be able to tell a single soul. But I could always get out of bed in the morning and look at myself in the mirror because I was hunting criminals—not just criminals, but the worst dregs of humanity. And I knew my actions would make a difference. I served my country and I was proud to do it. But this…” His voice breaks and he shakes head.
A sob rips out of my throat. Losing Jake was unbearable, but now I’m losing Ray too.
“You’re a good person, Amanda,” he says quietly. “I watched you helping your friend through her troubles with that fighter, Torment. I followed you to the battered women’s shelter and the community legal aid center and saw how much you gave of yourself to help people. I was there when you showed up at all your parents’ award ceremonies to support them even when they never once were there for you.”
“Stop, Ray.” I hold up my hands. “I don’t want to hear it. I know who I am, what you must think of me. Please…just leave.”
“I’m not leaving you like this. You’re gonna hear what I have to say and then I’ll go.”
Emotionally numb, I stare up at the ceiling and shrug. I have nothing left. No fight. No will. Nothing. I can’t feel any worse than I do now.
“The firm was mandated to investigate potential partners,” he continues. “You know that. But Farnsworth took the investigations further than the mandate. And this I can tell you because the work I did for him was outside the contract I had with the firm. He wanted the dirt. He wanted leverage. He has a file on every partner that came after him. It’s how he always gets his way. He’s destroyed a lot of people. Good people. Like you. But always with a secret to hide.”
Ray is silent for a moment and then leans forward. “That’s why I took your case. I knew the day we met that you were a good person. Instinct. Trust it. Kept me alive countless times. It was on the tip of my tongue to turn it down when I realized it would be better for me to control that investigation than anyone else. So I accepted it even though it made my fucking skin crawl.”
“Ray…please.”
He scrubs his hand over his face. “Yeah, you dated a lot of guys, sweetheart. But I’ve dated a lot of girls—a lot. And yeah, there’s a double standard… But regardless of whether you slept with them or not, it doesn’t make you a bad person. Who you are is in here.” He taps his chest lightly.
I shake my head and open my mouth to cut him off, but the usually taciturn Ray is on a roll, and he just keeps talking.
“You have a good heart. You’re a kind, giving, thoughtful, and generous person. Look how you’re helping the guys from Redemption. And Penny. And all your pro bono clients. I mean, fuck, you had to sell your house to stay afloat and still you wrote a check to pay me.” He opens my clenched fist and puts a pile of torn paper in it. “Which, by the way, I don’t accept.”
“But…”
“Do. Not. Accept.”
I bite my lip against the emotion welling up in my chest.
“The day you left Farnsworth & Tillman was the day I canceled my contract. Because I know what kind of person you are. The best kind. The kind that will swap out a brand-new couch for a Victorian monstrosity to make someone happy. Jake knows that or he wouldn’t be beating people up or driving out here to fix things between you. Someone cares about you that much, the file won’t change the way he feels. But he’s the kind of guy who needs a message hammered home.”
“The couch isn’t that bad.”
“It looks like shit, sweetheart, but it’s the most comfortable couch I ever sat on.” He sighs and his face softens. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. But better me than anyone else. There is a lot in that file, but there is also a lot missing. Most times, I reported I couldn’t get a good camera angle to assess what went on behind closed doors, or I reported that I lost sight of you during surveillance. Sometimes, one entry was as good as three.”
Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I say, “Thank you for that.”
Ray gives me a curt nod and pulls his jacket off the coat rack. “Seeing as you’re heading home, I’ll be going now.”
I wait until he’s through the doorway before I call out, “Ray?”
He looks back over his shoulder.
“See you tomorrow.”