Please don’t wake me, let me sleep!
It’s only then that I find peace.
I hear his voice and see his face.
And in my dream, the Captain’s real.
~ Hannah Gunner ~
There would be no celebration, no baby shower, after all. A knock on Sandy’s door was the first indication that something was wrong, and the terrible look on the officers’ faces standing on the doorstep was the second.
“Mrs. Nichols?”
“Yes.”
The officer on the left glanced at Sandy’s pregnant stomach, and instinctively she glanced at his nametag. Their eyes met briefly.
“I’m Officer Taggit, and this is my partner, Officer Langley. May we come in?”
Officer Taggit shuffled from one foot to the other, and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that he was incredibly uncomfortable. Nervously, heart sinking with each passing moment, Sandy waited for one of them to say something. Taggit spoke first.
“It’s about your husband, ma’am. Mr. Nichols.”
“Where’s Nathan?” Sandy asked frantically. “Is he all right?”
“Ma’am. May we come in and sit down?”
Trembling, she stepped aside and let the officers into her house. She pointed to a room on the left, the living room, and they indicated she should go first. She felt numb as she walked down the hallway, entered the room, and sat down.
“Was your husband scheduled to work this evening?” Taggit asked. But Langley, the second officer, didn’t wait for her to respond. “Because we do not show him scheduled.”
Sandy glanced from one officer to the other, looking for answers to questions she didn’t know how to ask, and then shook her head. No. Nathan was not scheduled to work.
“Do you know why your husband was on the docks this evening, since you’ve confirmed that he wasn’t scheduled to work?”
Nathan hadn’t gone to the docks! He was with Hank. They’d gone for a drink to talk about work, yes, but also to talk about what they were going to do while the girls were at the baby shower Gloria was planning. They’d already said they weren’t staying for the whole thing, couldn’t stand all that girl talk. She’d remembered Hank and Nathan specifically joking already about having to get out of there! Sandy couldn’t process what the officers were asking her; why did they care where Nathan was, and why the hell did they wonder if Nathan had been at the docks? Wrapping her arms around her stomach, she pushed down the nerves that were trying to escape her; she wasn’t going to worry. Everything was fine.
“Sir, where is my husband?” she asked inquisitively. “What is this all about?”
Taggit’s head whipped around toward his partner as if he were struggling and wasn’t quite sure what to say. His partner looked at his feet, and Taggit knew he had no choice but to deliver the terrible news. Sandy, numb, waited for them to speak, having no idea they were about to deliver the worst news of her life.
“There’s been some trouble,” Taggit started, his voice shakily continuing. “On the docks.”
“Nathan hasn’t been on the docks tonight; he’s with Hank, his best friend,” Sandy interjected.
“Nathan and Hank were on the docks this evening, with several others from their crew, including multiple ILWU organizers and dock workers. Words were exchanged about a pending strike, those for it and those opposed,” Officer Langley added. “Things got out of hand, no doubt liquor was involved, when a few showed up late this evening.”
Color gone from her face, Sandy shook her head and jumped up to grab her phone. “Nathan wasn’t on night shift tonight and yes, he was with Hank, but they weren’t supposed to be at the docks. This doesn’t make sense. I need to speak to Gloria.”
“Not yet, Mrs. Nichols. There’s more; please sit back down,” Officer Taggit insisted.
“A group of men, pretty good size of ’em, supporting the imminent strike, were arguing with those who had shown up opposing it. According to witnesses, Nathan was caught in the middle of switching sides from not wanting to strike to walking out and striking with the others. Gunner was there, Hank, Hank Gunner. Reportedly he was trying to keep the peace between both sides.”
Sandy nodded. “Nathan says Hank is known for that.”
Taggit pressed on. “I have to ask a difficult question. Are you sure you had no idea this was going down tonight, the meeting on the docks about a pending strike? Had Nathan mentioned anything about it at all?”
Shocked, she shook her head; she hadn’t picked up on a single thing! Realizing Nathan had lied to her, she felt anger and fear combined. Wanting to vomit, she pushed the wave of nausea to the pit of her stomach and hoped her husband was in jail. Did they make house calls for such things? Praying they did, she questioned Taggit.
“Do I need to bail my husband out of jail?”
As Taggit laid his hat in his lap, she could hold back her tears no longer. Shaking, she wrapped her arms around her unborn baby. Preparing to be escorted to the jail—or maybe the hospital—she took a deep breath, straightened up in her chair, and waited to find out what had happened to her husband. Her mind flashed to Gloria, and she wondered if Hank was in danger as well.
“Ma’am, we’re sorry to inform you that not only was the argument heated, but it turned violent. Hank Gunner was unsuccessful at negotiating any kind of peace between the two sides, for or against the strike, and the representatives of the union. Someone pulled out a gun, and in retaliation, another man fired back. Both men were intoxicated, and both men have been arrested.” Taggit put his head down, took a deep breath, and looked Sandy in the eyes.
“It is with a heavy heart we’re here this evening to inform you that Nathan got caught between the crossfire. His injuries were life-threatening, and he was immediately rushed to the hospital.”
Scrambling to her feet, Sandy gasped. “What! Where did they take him?”
“They took him to St. Mary’s.”
Tears rolled down her face as she frantically searched for her purse and keys.
“Ma’am, ma’am. Please, please, sit down. There’s more.”
“I don’t want to sit down. Tell him I’m on the way; he needs me. Is Hank with him?”
The officers shook their heads. “Protocol only allows family in the ambulance,” Langley barely whispered.
“He’s all alone! We have to go. What are you waiting for? Please, come on!” Sandy rushed to the front door and pulled it open, but the officers didn’t move.
“What are you waiting for?” she shrieked at the top of her lungs. “Come on!”
“Ma’am, they did everything they could. Everything.”
Sandy, as if suddenly understanding what they were trying to say, covered her ears. “Hurry up, please! Or I’ll find someone else to take me.”
“Ma’am, ma’am, please come back and sit down.” Taggit walked to the door and held out his hand, but Sandy refused to take it. Seeing her hand on the door, head held down, and one hand wrapped around her stomach, Taggit took a deep breath and softly continued.
“Would you please, please, for the sake of your child, come back in here and sit down?”
Fearing the worst, Sandy shook her head. “How bad is it?” she whispered. “How long will he be at St. Mary’s, because it doesn’t matter how long it takes for him to healed, we’ll get through it.”
Taggit took another step toward her, but neither Langley nor Taggit said a word. Their silence terrified her. “How bad is it? Is he going to be wheelchair-bound? We can handle that, or are you worried he won’t remember his family?” Sandy’s voice cracked as she spoke. “Will he remember we’re having a child?” No one spoke. “Damn it, answer me, please!” she screamed.
Taggit, voice cracking as he tried to speak, delivered the worst news of her life in the only sound that he could muster. His faint whisper and the veil of pity on his face would haunt her for the rest of her life.
“You have our deepest condolences, ma’am, they did everything they could, but your husband died en route to the hospital due to complications from his injuries.” The officer’s voice cracked as he delivered the news, and his hands were shaking. “Mrs. Nichols, though it brings you no comfort at this time, we will convict the man who shot your husband and the other men involved in the monstrous act that took your husband’s life this evening.”
Time felt as if it stood still. Sandy slid down the wall and collapsed to the floor. Langley, moving as fast as he could, barely broke her fall, catching her at the very last second. Wailing in such a way, grief pouring from her soul, was a sound that neither officer had ever heard or experienced before; her pain felt as if it was shooting right through them. Though they could not show it, they were sickened, and their hearts wept with her on the inside. They would have given anything in the world if the floor they were standing upon in her hallway had opened up and swallowed them whole! Watching a pregnant woman in such a state was the most heartbreaking scene they had ever witnessed in their lives—devastating for her, their unborn child, Nathan, who did not deserve to lose his life that night, their family, his family, her family, their friends… the list went on and on!
Finally Officer Taggit spoke. “Is there someone we can call for you, please?”
“Gloria. Gloria Gunner, please, and my brother. Call them now.”
Officer Langley made the calls and afterward pulled Taggit aside. Gloria Gunner was on her way, and Langley thought she might have additional information if Hank had confided in her. Taggit agreed, but insisted they go easy on her in front of Sandy.
“Light questioning only; anything else goes downtown.”
Hank had been at the docks that evening handling the peace talks. Maybe if they talked to Gloria without Hank, she could confirm that she knew the meeting was preplanned and was going to take place that night. Nathan had lied to his wife that evening, but had Hank lied to his?
“Perhaps, if we’re lucky, Hank will be able to identify the shooters.”
“That would be nice, but even under these circumstances, is he a narc?” Taggit wondered. “She mentioned her brother; track him down as well.”
Gloria, frantic, arrived with Hannah, still in her pajamas, in tow. Sending Hannah into the kitchen as soon as she entered Sandy’s house was a mistake. Gloria thought Sandy was sitting in the living room with the officers, but she was sitting at the kitchen table by herself. Barely able to contain her own tears as the officers drilled her, Gloria did her best to answer all of their questions, despite not knowing what in the hell was going on. She didn’t have the full story either, and yes, as angry as she was in that moment that Hank had lied to her and told her the same thing that Nathan had told Sandy, she wanted to make sure that he was okay.
“Can you run through it one more time for me, please?” Taggit scribbled in his notebook as she spoke.
“Sure.” Frustrated, Gloria repeated word for word what she had already told him. They were going to the Shamrock for a beer to talk about the strike, yes, but to also talk about what they were going to do the night of the baby shower she was throwing Sandy. The boys weren’t staying for the whole thing, just like Sandy had said. Hank had never mentioned heading to the docks that evening, and if he were on call or if he had to check a freight, crew, or anything that could possibly take him to the docks, he would always say he was going on site. He had, just like Nathan, lied to her!
Angry, Gloria knew it wasn’t the time, and she was scared. Hank had talked about taking Nathan to a ballgame while the women were at the shower and he needed to get tickets for the game. Neither of them, she or Sandy, had a clue that they’d be headed back down to the docks that night.
“Sounds like it was preplanned, the meeting between the two sides, for and against,” Officer Taggit stated. “Especially since representatives were on site.”
Sandy, shocked, couldn’t talk. Hannah had no idea what was wrong with her “aunt” Sandy.
“Is the baby ready yet?”
Sandy didn’t hear Hannah’s tiny little voice.
“Aunt Sandy. Is that baby ready yet? ’Cause I made a baby gift, and Momma says he’s going to love it!”
Managing to raise her hand and stroke Hannah’s hair seemed to pacify Hannah. Sandy didn’t dare look at her for fear of scaring her with her tears. No one was talking, smiling, or even trying to visit with her at all, and Hannah suddenly felt anxious and worried that something was terribly wrong. Police officers were still talking with her mommy, and that was strange. Tugging at her aunt Sandy’s sleeve, she quizzed her about the policeman. Sandy tried to hide her tears, but Hannah had seen them.
“Are you sad?”
Nodding, Sandy pulled Hannah into her lap, held her close, and cried silent tears until Gloria appeared at her side. The sadness in the house was overwhelming, and Gloria begged Sandy to leave with her and stay with them, but Sandy refused.
“I have to go to the hospital and be with him. He can’t be alone. Nigel can take me.”
“Shock,” Taggit offered. “She’s in shock, but we’ll take her and she can meet her brother there; we’ll let him know.”
Gloria nodded. “Thank you.”
“Someone’s purse is ringing,” Langley pointed to Gloria’s bag.
Gloria dug through her purse and grabbed it right before Hank hung up. She hit redial.
“Where are you and are you safe?” she yelled.
“Yes, but Nathan is—”
He didn’t have to finish; Gloria finished his sentence for him.
“I know. Come home.”
Gloria bundled Hannah up and took her home. The tone was somber, and even Hannah knew that something was very, very wrong. She tried to make her mommy smile, but Gloria didn’t have it in her, and it certainly wasn’t the time or the place. Everything that Hannah said or did as they walked home bothered or got on Gloria’s nerves at that moment.
“Can we sing our walking song, Mommy?”
“Not now, Hannah, please!”
The only positive thing about that evening was that Hannah thought her daddy was about to be home, and even though it was late, she was still awake! Maybe, just maybe, the Captain would put her back to bed. As they walked down the pavement, Hannah listened to the sound of her shoes hitting the concrete and started to count each time her foot took a step and made the thudding sound. Imagining she was walking the plank on their ship, placing one foot in front of the other, she finally reached the end of the plank and was forced to stare down into the deep blue ocean. Dawdling, apparently, her mom yanked her arm and yelled at her for not walking as fast as she ought to be.
“Hannah, keep up!”
Hannah didn’t argue, but picked up the pace. Trying not to fall behind, she did her best to keep up, but for some reason, her mommy was walking faster than usual.
“When we get home, can Daddy tell me a story?” Hannah asked.
Gloria, suddenly livid, tore into her.
“How selfish of you, and no!” She stopped and angrily yelled at her little daughter right there on the sidewalk.
“Do you have any idea what has just happened?”
Hannah really didn’t, except it probably wasn’t very good since everyone ended up in tears and Uncle Nathan seemed to be hurt.
“How selfish! How dare you, Hannah Gunner, think only of yourself! What is wrong with you that you could be so self-centered, selfish, and stupid at the same time?!”
Shocked, Hannah froze, having no idea that she’d done anything that bad. Cheeks turning bright red, eyes narrowing, for a split second Hannah Gunner thought she might actually burst into tears and cry. Blinking and holding back the water in her eyes, remembering that the Captain had promoted her to his First Matey position, reminded her that she was stronger than a crybaby girl! This here scallywag, Momma or not, was way out of line. Hannah jerked her arm out of Gloria’s tight grip, took a step back, blinked away her tears, and started to march quickly toward the house.
Horrified she was terrorizing her beautiful little girl for no reason at all, and that she had spoken to her in such an awful way, Gloria immediately felt nothing but shame and immediate regret. Catching up to Hannah, she stopped and bent down in front of her at eye level. Taking Hannah by the shoulders and pulling her toward her, Gloria’s tears wet Hannah’s cheeks. Stiffly, Hannah obliged, and that broke Gloria’s heart. Grief had overtaken Gloria; defiance and anger had overtaken Hannah.
“Hannah, baby, I am so sorry! Mommy is upset and very sad about Uncle Nathan, and I’m worried about Aunt Sandy, and even your daddy, but I never should have said such horrible things. I am sorry, and I didn’t mean them. It’s not true, you are not selfish and, of course, you are brilliant!” She couldn’t even bring herself to say the word stupid and was utterly disgusted and ashamed that word had spewed out of her mouth at all while screaming at her child. Kissing each one of Hannah’s cheeks, placing one kiss on her right and one on the left, she whispered in her ear.
“Do you forgive me?”
Hannah looked at Gloria for a few moments, smiled sweetly, and wrapped her arms around her neck.
“Okay, Mommy; I will.”
“I am so sorry, Hannah. I’m grieving, which means I am sad. But that doesn’t make what I said right, and I’m so, so, so sorry.”
Hannah was sad too, but now she was scared. Her mommy was crying, and she didn’t understand why. Aunt Sandy was crying, and Uncle Nathan had been hurt so bad he was gone. Gone. Exactly what did that mean, anyway?