This is wrong, damn it!
Just wrong.
Fix it and make it go away!
~ Hannah Gunner ~
Tossing and turning all night, Hannah felt as if she hadn’t slept a wink. But as the smell of fresh coffee wafting down the hallway and into her bedroom woke her up, she realized she must have drifted off at some point. The last one out of bed, she entered the kitchen, and to her surprise, her mom and Kathy seemed in good spirits. Surely that was a good sign; maybe she’d worried all night for nothing? Wishful thinking, perhaps, but Hannah was running with that. Scrambling eggs and buttering toast, Kathy asked if she’d like some breakfast. Hannah shook her head. No appetite; the thought of eating did not appeal to her at all.
“No, thanks.”
“Eat something. It’s not often we all have breakfast together,” Gloria insisted. “Look, we’re all at the same table.”
Hannah shrugged and sat down opposite her mom. Kathy poured another cup of coffee and sat it in front of her.
“Cream?”
Hannah nodded.
“Sugar?”
She declined.
Curious why they’d asked her to stay home but scared to bring it up, Hannah waited. A text from Lindsey made her smile.
Lindsey: Did the bomb drop yet?
She answered it quickly—no—and put her phone away, but not before responding to a text from Cash that made her light up from the inside out without realizing it.
Cash: Hope everything goes well. Love you.
Hannah: Thanks. Love you, too.
Her smile was noticeable, but no one asked what was going on. Hannah needed something in her life that made her smile, and Gloria was happy to let her have a moment. Giving her some space regarding the text seemed like the least they could do. In all honesty, Gloria and Kathy were tiptoeing around each other, trying to figure out how to approach the elephant in the room: Gloria’s condition.
“Was Kathy still up when you came home last night?” her mom asked. “I laid down and was out before you came home.”
Hannah nodded. Her mouth filled with egg and toast, she took a swig of coffee and answered.
“Yes. She said we’re having a girls day in today.”
Kathy was picking at her food, and Hannah noticed that her mom still had the same amount of food on her plate as when they had sat down to eat. Hannah seemed to be the only one eating at all, and she wasn’t even hungry! Not being able to stand it any longer, Hannah broke the ice and asked the question that they were dreading to answer.
“So what’s going on? Why am I home from school today?”
Gloria opened her mouth to speak, but Kathy interrupted.
“If you’re done eating, I think we should move into the living room, don’t you?” She turned toward Gloria for approval, who didn’t object. “It’s a tad more comfortable for the type of conversation we’re about to have, don’t you agree?” Once again she glanced at her sister, and Gloria nodded.
Reluctantly, both Hannah and Gloria walked into the other room. Hannah sat in the large recliner in the corner, and Kathy perched protectively next to her sister on the couch. Hannah suddenly felt scared, especially when Gloria reached over and held her sister’s hand tightly in hers. It was the first indication that something was terribly wrong. Kathy looked into Gloria’s eyes and, without saying a word, Gloria knew she was asking who should speak first. Gloria responded by squeezing Kathy’s hand and lowering her eyes.
“There’s no easy way to say this, sweetheart,” Gloria started. “So I’m going to do my best to explain what’s going on without upsetting you.”
Hannah noticed that Kathy was trying not to cry, and suddenly panic set in.
“Just say it; you’re killing me here,” Hannah snapped, and immediately felt terrible for being so angry.
“I’ve not been feeling well for some time.” Gloria took a deep breath. “In fact, you might have noticed I’ve been tired, nauseous and well, to put it best, not quite myself.”
Hannah’s heart skipped a beat. “Well, go to the doctor!”
Gloria half smiled, knowing Hannah knew that she’d had many doctor visits, and the way she said it, so matter-of-factly, sounded just like something Hank would immediately have said. It made her think of him. Well, get on with it! Before Gloria could say another word, Hannah jumped in with another response.
“Whatever’s going on, get a second opinion, or a different doctor if what they’re doing isn’t working.” She stood up, walked over to her mom, and sat down next to her. “Wait, what is it?” She stopped herself. The look on her mom’s face told her she wasn’t in the mood for small talk or petty responses. Her mom was worried!
“Mom,” Hannah asked nervously. “What’s wrong with you?”
Kathy glanced over at Hannah as Gloria mumbled the words out loud.
“I have Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia, commonly known as CML.”
Hannah, stunned, had no idea what that was, but knew enough to know it didn’t sound good! Her line of questioning, more like an interrogation, began.
“What is that, exactly?” Taking a deep breath, Hannah whispered, as if she daren’t say the words out loud. “Is it a type of cancer?” She took another deep breath. “Are you saying you have cancer?”
Gloria nodded. “Yes. It’s the type of cancer where a mutated gene starts producing contaminated or diseased blood cells. Automatically.” Her hands were shaking, but she tried to explain to Hannah what the illness was, an illness that felt more like a death sentence.
“I know you’ve probably noticed I’ve been more tired than usual and have had trouble eating because I feel nauseous.” She hesitated. “I haven’t been completely honest with you about why, up until now, because I didn’t want to worry you, but the medications they’re using make me feel sick at times.”
Hannah stared at her blankly. “Medications? You mean, like, chemo?”
Gloria nodded again. “I couldn’t even wait up for you to come home the other night and ask about your date with Cash.” Smiling. “You know I wanted to hear all about that, or as many of the details as you would have shared.”
Hannah couldn’t think; her mind was racing ninety-to-nothing. She’d had a feeling something wasn’t right with her mom, but she had no idea it was this. Gloria looked as if she was about to break down, so Kathy, fighting back her own tears, graciously stepped in and continued.
“Hannah, your mom started treatment as soon as they finally diagnosed her. You can’t tell, but she has a port already surgically implanted. Right now she’s also taking oral meds; they’re constantly adjusting and switching them around, and that’s part of the reason she feels sick.”
Gloria unzipped her oversized sweatshirt and revealed the port. “It’s not too bad, really. This way, the nurses don’t have to stick me over and over, and the doctors can request blood tests, administer drugs, give me fluids, all kinds of things right from here without having to stick me all of the time.” Forcing a smile, she added, “Despite what it looks like, it’s a good thing.”
“Does it hurt?” Hannah asked meekly. “The port?”
Gloria shook her head. “I promise, sweetheart, it doesn’t hurt.”
In shock, Hannah felt as if the walls were closing in around her. Gasping for air, she tried to breathe. How had she not known? A million questions she needed and wanted to ask, but not knowing where to start, she struggled for the words. Tears welled up in her eyes, and when she could hold them back no more, they poured over her lids and streamed uncontrollably down her cheeks. Without saying a word, Gloria reached for her daughter and pulled her into her arms, cradling her, rocking her, and stroking her hair as Hannah sobbed uncontrollably. Crying and crying, barely catching her breath at times, right then at that moment, on the couch in the living room of their two-bedroom apartment, their whole world stood still as it fell apart!
“Are you going to be all right?” Hannah whispered. “As horrible as this is, it’s curable, right?”
Kathy stared at her sister as if looking for an answer as well. Gloria’s eyes were watery as she struggled for the right words to say. Kathy once again jumped to her sister’s aid and helped her out.
“They’re doing everything they can. Your mom has started treatment in an outpatient center. It’s close to home, and they’ve switched her chemo, for now, to an oral drug. Plus, she’s taking a drug that blocks the tyrosine kinase protein secreted by the BCR-ABL gene.” She took a deep breath. “They think they’ve figured out one drug that she can handle without making her as sick as she’s been, but it will still take your mom some time to get used to.” Proceeding with caution, as if waiting for a reaction from Hannah, Kathy continued explaining Gloria’s treatment plan. Hannah, stunned, sat in the chair motionless. “The meds are strong, and your mom is definitely weaker than she’s ever been, but we do know that the other pills they had her on were making her ill. So the new prescription, once she adapts to it, will really be better for her.”
“FIX IT!” Hannah suddenly blurted out. “Do whatever needs to be done, but just make them FIX IT!”
Gloria forced a grin. “I’ll do my best—you can count on it!”
Hannah, despite her best efforts, started crying again, but this time Gloria and Kathy cried with her. Too weak to stand, Gloria raised her arms and Kathy rushed into them. The three, cradled together, comforted each other, but no one noticed that Gloria cried in silence.
Lying in her bed that night, Hannah held the conch shell close to her ear. The sound of the ocean drowned out her thoughts. Exhausted, she slipped away to a forever time ago as a little girl walking along the water’s edge. The Captain followed close behind, and of all things, in her dream, her mom sat on a chair in a hallway sipping a glass of red! Surely, she was losing her mind. Reality and her dreams combined, and at that moment it brought her peace as she drifted away to her memories of a pirate, a girl, a beach, and a scallywag that she swore must have at one time been her mom.