I have her eyes
His nose
Her smile
His… what?
~ Hannah Gunner ~
Hannah stared at herself in front of the mirror. Her long hair hung in waves around her shoulders. Her eyes, surprisingly still bright blue, were slightly sunken but she did notice tiny black circles under them. Lack of sleep, no doubt. The longer she stared, the less she recognized herself. Would he remember her if even she didn’t know who she was anymore? An empty feeling swept over her; as bad as she wanted to meet him, she wanted everything back to normal more than that. Her kind of normal, before her mom got sick and her life fell apart. Gloria sticking her head in her room to see if she was awake. Hannah pretending she wasn’t so she could sleep a little longer. The smell of cheap coffee filling the air and wafting through the apartment, instead of the sound of a loud grinder, waking up the entire house, as it ground the fresh beans. Heavy heart, stomach flipping, Hannah forced herself to pull back her hair and start her morning ritual. Her new room didn’t feel like hers yet, but at least it had its own bathroom. Now that the day had finally arrived, she felt nauseous. Her phone vibrated, startling her, and that’s when she knew she had to pull herself together.
Cash: Love you. See ya soon!
Hannah: Love you too. Nervous.
Cash: Don’t be. You’ve got this! Love you.
Standing underneath the hot water in the shower, Hannah didn’t fight back the trickle of tears that ran down her face and blended with the hot water running over her body. It felt like a relief to let them out. Not sure what the tears were for in that moment, Hannah shook it off. She chose an outfit that followed the rules and was basic: bra, underwear, socks, black pants since she couldn’t wear jeans, sweatshirt, and converse. Leaving off any jewelry, including earrings, Hannah even removed her watch. Most teens her age didn’t wear watches, but she’d been fascinated with watches since she’d learned to tell time and Gloria had bought her a new watch. She’d received a new watch nearly every year since her mom discovered her love of them. Taking off the last watch that her mom had ever gifted her, Hannah kissed it before laying it on her dressing table. A part of her felt as if she was betraying her mom, but she pushed that thought aside, out of her head, and reminded herself that it was Gloria who insisted she know about Hank.
“Are you decent?” Lindsey asked, tapping on her bedroom door.
“Does it matter if I am?”
“Guess not.”
Lindsey slowly opened the door and peeked in. Hannah was sitting on the edge of her bed, dressed, flipping through her phone. Lindsey pointed to the door.
“Kathy wants to know if you’re coming to eat breakfast.”
The thought of food made Hannah’s stomach turn. She shook her head.
“I honestly don’t think I could eat anything right now.”
“I brought donuts.” Lindsey smiled, trying to entice her friend.
“Jelly?”
“Of course!”
Kathy poured coffee for the girls as they dove into the box of doughnuts. Cash was on his way. It would be time to leave shortly after he arrived. Hannah’s nerves were trying to get the best of her despite the distractions. Kathy, pulling together Hannah’s birth certificate and her custodial paperwork, wasn’t helping. Seeing the paperwork made everything real. She was under Kathy’s care until she was eighteen and then what? Would Kathy let her stay until she was on her feet? No time to think about that at this moment. Heading to a state prison was a daunting feeling.
She wasn’t allowed to take anything into the prison such as gifts, or supplies, but Hannah instinctively grabbed a few photos and a couple of letters. Kathy drove. Lindsey sat up front with Kathy, and Cash sat in the back with Hannah. Holding her hand the entire way, he continually whispered words of encouragement in her ear. Signs started to appear on the side of the road. APPROACHING FOLSOM STATE PRISON. KEEP YOUR DOORS LOCKED. PRISON ZONE. FOLSOM STATE PRISON AHEAD. The color drained from Hannah’s cheeks as they came closer to their destination and she read each sign. Kathy barely said a word. Struggling with the thought of the man that she knew, Gloria’s husband and Hannah’s father, behind the walls of the facility that they were about to enter, didn’t fit with the man they had once known and loved. Though she didn’t dare pretend to understand what her sister might have been going through, she had a better understanding than before. Gloria must have felt sick each and every time she made the drive to visit her husband.
“Oh my God, this is it!” Hannah buried her face in Cash’s shoulder. “I don’t know if I can do it. I’m not sure I can go in.”
Cash gently ran his hand up and down her back. “Look, we’re not here to make you do anything that you don’t want to do. It’s up to you if you go in or not, but you have come all this way.”
Kathy stopped at the gate and gave the guard her driver’s license. She politely answered all of his questions, and Hannah gave him her ID to be checked off the list. Cash and Lindsey sat quietly and assured the guard that they were there merely for support; he couldn’t care less one way or the other. After a few uncomfortable minutes, he waved them through and directed them to a visitors parking area. Kathy parked the car, took a deep breath, and realized just how nervous she was for Hannah.
“I feel like I’m a bucket of nerves. I can’t imagine how you must feel right now.”
Hannah tried her best to force a smile, but no matter how hard she tried, she could barely turn up the corners of her mouth.
“Cash is right,” Kathy added. “We’re behind you one hundred percent, whatever you decide to do, we are here for you no matter what!” Rushing toward her, Kathy held Hannah in her arms. “Sweetie, this may be the only way to get the answers to the questions that you’re looking for, true, but it’s possible no one knows why Gloria did what she did.” Stepping back and looking her niece head on, she continued, “My sister wasn’t well, and evidently for a long time.”
Hannah nodded, reached out and squeezed Kathy’s and Cash’s hands, then reached for Lindsey, and did the same to hers. “I get it, I do, but like Cash said, we came all the way here for some answers.” She took a deep breath, smiled a crooked smile, and said, “Let’s do this!”