Why do adults have such a hard time solving problems collaboratively with kids? In the first place, it often seems a whole lot easier and more efficient to simply insist on what you want your kid to do. But now you know: simply insisting on what you want and demanding compliance isn’t the ideal approach. Not if you want to partner with him in solving them. And not if you want to foster the more positive characteristics of human nature in your child. Plus, eventually—and ideally—he’s going to stop responding well to your insisting anyway.
But there’s another reason solving problems collaboratively is hard: many adults haven’t had much practice at it, having been raised by parents who were probably highly skilled at demanding and insisting. So we’ll have to get you some practice. Your child is going to need some practice too. After all, you’re in this together.
As you read in the last chapter, there are three steps involved in solving a problem collaboratively: the Empathy step, the Define-Adult-Concerns step, and the Invitation step. Let’s take a much closer look at each. This, by the way, is the most technical chapter in the book; you may feel the need to read it more than once.
• • • • •
Here’s what you know about the Empathy step already: it’s where you’ll be gathering information about your child’s concern, perspective, or point of view on a specific expectation he’s having difficulty meeting. You also know that you’ll be doing that proactively as often as possible.
Just like adults, kids have important, valid concerns: hunger, fatigue, fear, the desire to buy or do certain things, and the tendency to avoid things that are scary or that make them uncomfortable or at which they don’t feel competent. Your mission in the Empathy step is to demonstrate to your child that you’re really interested in and curious about those concerns.
You’re not teaching any lessons in the Empathy step. Actually, you’re not teaching lessons in any of the three steps. You’re not being judgmental either. You’re also not saying many of the standard things adults say in response to kids’ concerns. So you wouldn’t respond to “I’m afraid there’s a monster under my bed” with “Oh, come on, there’s no monster under your bed.” You wouldn’t respond to “The label in my shirt is bugging me” with “Every shirt has labels, so I guess you’ll have to live with it.” And “I guess you’ll have to man up” wouldn’t be the ideal response to “The kids on the school bus are being mean.” When you respond in these ways, that whooshing sound you hear is your child’s concerns being ignored, disregarded, dismissed, diminished, and blown off the table.
Some adults have never considered it especially important to gather information about and understand a kid’s concern, perspective, or point of view. That’s why many kids—perhaps most, unfortunately—are accustomed to having their concerns ignored, disregarded, dismissed, or diminished by adults. After all, we adults often think we already know what’s getting in the kid’s way on a given problem, which explains why we often don’t put much energy into finding out. We have concerns of our own, which we’re eager to express, and we often do it by overriding or diminishing kids’ concerns. And we’ve already formulated incredible solutions (no need to explore, discuss, or collaborate on solutions when we’ve already decided on one).
The bad news is that, quite often, our assumptions about kids’ concerns are way off base. That’s why our incredible solutions often turn out to be less than incredible. Still more bad news: kids who are accustomed to having their concerns dismissed tend to be far less receptive to hearing the concerns of their caregivers. Plus, as you’ve read, if you’re not interested in your child’s concerns and if you’re not trying hard to ensure that those concerns are heard, clarified, and addressed, eventually your child will stop talking to you. Then you won’t have a problem-solving partner, the problems won’t get solved, and you won’t have much influence.
The good news is that your concerns will still be heard (in the Define-Adult-Concerns step) and addressed (in the Invitation step), and you’ll still have a chance to offer potential solutions (also in the Invitation). More good news: you don’t lose any authority by gathering information, understanding, and empathizing with your child’s concerns. None. So the pressure’s off: there’s no need to divine your child’s concern or perspective. You don’t need to be a mind reader. But you do need to become highly skilled at gathering information from your child.
So how do you do it? When you’re using Proactive Plan B, the information-gathering and understanding process begins with an introduction to the unsolved problem. The introduction usually begins with the words “I’ve noticed that . . .” and ends with the words “What’s up?” In between you’re inserting an unsolved problem. The introduction is made much easier if you stick with the general guidelines for writing unsolved problems you read about in chapter 4. Here are some examples:
“I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to eat breakfast before school. What’s up?”
“I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to get along with your sister lately. What’s up?”
“I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to feed the dog in the morning. What’s up?”
“I’ve noticed that you haven’t been too enthusiastic about riding the school bus lately. What’s up?”
“I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to complete your math homework at night. What’s up?”
“I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to answer your cell phone when I call you. What’s up?”
“I’ve noticed that it’s been hard for you to let us know who you’re with and where you’re at. What’s up?”
“I’ve noticed you’ve been having difficulty getting up to go to school lately. What’s up?”
Notice that, in accordance with the guidelines, these introductions do not make mention of challenging behaviors (e.g., screaming, swearing, ear flicking), do not include adult theories (e.g., “because you hate me”), and are specific rather than global. The guidelines decrease the likelihood that your child will think he’s in trouble, decrease his level of defensiveness, and increase the likelihood that he’ll actually respond to your inquiry. Since the main mission of the Empathy step is to gather information so as to understand your child’s concern or perspective about a given problem, you badly want him to respond. If he doesn’t respond, his concerns won’t be identified and addressed and the problem will remain unsolved.
I should mention that the introduction is the easy part of the Empathy step. The hard part comes next. After you ask, “What’s up?” one of five things is going to happen:
Possibility #1: He says something.
Possibility #2: He says nothing or “I don’t know.”
Possibility #3: He says, “I don’t have a problem with that.”
Possibility #4: He says, “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
Possibility #5: He becomes defensive and says something like, “I don’t have to talk to you” (or worse).
Let’s flesh out each of these possibilities.
If, after the problem is introduced, your child starts talking, that’s good. Now you need to keep him talking, because his initial response is unlikely to provide a clear understanding of his concern, perspective, or point of view. You’re going to need to probe for more information. The probing process—which I call “drilling for information”—is pretty hard for many people, especially in the beginning, mostly because they’re not sure what to say. Difficulty with drilling causes many Plan B ships to run aground, thereby causing many adults to abandon ship. The good news is that there are some strategies to help you master the drilling process so the Plan B boat stays afloat.
First, notice the word is drill, not grill. The primary goal of drilling is to clarify, whereas grilling tends to be an act of intimidation, or a sign that you anticipate that your child won’t be forthcoming or will lie. Your goal is to demonstrate to your child that your attempt to understand his concern or perspective isn’t fake or perfunctory. You’re really curious . . . you really want to understand.
Second, drilling is not the same thing as talking. There are parents who frequently talk to (or perhaps mostly at) their kid but never achieve a clear understanding of their kid’s concern or perspective on a specific unsolved problem. Drilling is much harder than simply talking.
Third, drilling involves listening, not lessoning (as in teaching your child a lesson) or lessening (as in dismissing or diminishing his concerns).
The following drilling strategies should help; they’re all very effective at helping your kid feel heard, understood, and validated and at keeping him talking:
Strategy #1—use reflective listening: This is where you’re simply mirroring or repeating back whatever your child just said to you. If, in response to your inquiry about not getting along well with his sister, he responds, “Because I don’t like her,” your response would be, “Ah, you don’t like her.” Then you’d add a clarifying statement, such as “How so?” or “I don’t quite understand” or “I’m confused” or “Can you say more about that?” or “What do you mean?” Sound a little sappy? I thought so too thirty-five years ago when, as one of my first experiences in the field of psychology, I was trained to be a telephone hotline crisis counselor, and the primary strategy I was instructed to use was reflective listening. I’ve been using it ever since. I quickly learned that reflective listening is a good way to show that you’re listening and that you understand. It’s an effective, authentic way to keep your kid talking and to gather additional information. Reflective listening is your default strategy. If you’re in the midst of the Empathy step and you’re not sure what to say, reflective listening is always a safe bet.
Strategy #2—ask “W questions” (who or what or where/when): These questions are also a good way to demonstrate that you’re really listening and need additional information. Examples: “Who’s been giving you a hard time on the school bus?” “What’s making it hard for you to answer your cell phone?” “Where/when is your sister annoying you?” Remember, drilling is about gathering information, and “W questions” are a straightforward way to do so. Notice also that there’s another “W question”—why—that you shouldn’t be asking very often; in general, that question is going to elicit a theory, and quite possibly one that the child acquired from an adult. A long time ago—when I was still occasionally asking kids why—I asked a four-year-old girl why she was misbehaving at home. She responded, “I do it for negative reinforcement.” I’ve been sticking with the other “W questions” ever since.
Often we adults already have the next question ready before our kid is through answering the first one. Or we have a preordained solution ready that we’re just dying to propose (or impose). Those are good ways to communicate that you’re not really listening or understanding.
Strategy #3—ask about the situational variability of the unsolved problem: At times, it may appear as though your child actually is capable of meeting a given expectation because he sometimes does. This often leads adults to jump to the conclusion that the child can meet the expectation when he feels like it and that he doesn’t meet the expectation when he doesn’t feel like it. The reality is that there may be nuanced, subtle differences between similar expectations that explain the inconsistency. Rather than jump to conclusions related to poor motivation—“I know he can do the math when we wants to! He did it yesterday!”—you’d be better off seeking clarification from your child. Remember, when you’re drilling, you’re off the hook for mind reading: “So, help me understand how you were able to do the math homework yesterday and you’re not able to do the math homework today.” “So, sometimes you get up for school pretty easily, and other times it’s a lot harder. Help me understand that.”
Strategy #4—ask the child what he’s thinking in the midst of the unsolved problem: This is another good way to gather information about your child’s concern, perspective, or point of view on a given unsolved problem. “So, when you’re sitting at your desk trying to do your math homework, what are you thinking?” Notice you’re not asking him what he’s feeling. It’s not that asking your child what he’s feeling is a crime; it’s just that the answer (happy, sad, frustrated, embarrassed, bored) doesn’t generally provide you with the information you’re seeking about his concern or perspective. Notice also that you’re not asking him what he needs—that question is more likely to prompt him to offer a solution rather than a concern, and you’re not ready to start thinking about solutions until the Invitation step.
Strategy #5—break the unsolved problem down into its component parts: Most unsolved problems have multiple components. For example, getting ready for bed at night has different components (taking a shower, brushing teeth, putting on pajamas, reading a book, etc.). And getting ready for school in the morning has components (waking up on time, getting out of bed, brushing teeth, taking a shower, choosing clothes, getting the backpack ready, eating breakfast, etc.). But kids sometimes need help identifying those components so they can pinpoint which component is causing them to struggle:
Parent (introduction): I’ve noticed it’s been difficult for you to decide what clothes to wear to school in the morning. What’s up?
Child: I don’t know.
Parent: Do you want to think about it a little?
Child (after thinking): I really don’t know.
Parent: Would it help if we thought about what’s involved in deciding what clothes you’re going to wear?
Child: OK.
Parent: Well, one of the things I think you do is decide whether the clothes you’re going to wear make sense based on the weather that day. Is that hard?
Child: No.
Parent: So you’re not having any difficulty thinking about the weather outside and deciding what to wear?
Child: No.
Parent: OK. Another thing you do is decide whether you like the way the clothes look. Is that part hard?
Child: No.
Parent: So you don’t have any trouble deciding how the clothes are going to look?
Child: No.
Parent: OK—good to know. Next, you decide how the clothes are going to feel on your body. Is that hard?
Child: Yes!
Parent: Deciding how they’re going to feel on your body is hard?
Child: Yes!
Parent: What’s hard about that?
Child: A lot of my clothes are itchy and have labels in them and they’re too tight and the labels bug me. So I can’t find anything to wear.
Good to know.
Strategy #6—make a discrepant observation: This involves making an observation that differs from what the child has described about a particular situation. It’s the riskiest, in terms of causing the child to stop talking, of all the drilling strategies. That’s because many kids—perhaps especially those frequently accused of lying—misinterpret a discrepant observation as an accusation of dishonesty. Fortunately, you’re not accusing him of lying; you’re simply pointing out that your observations differ from his. Just because your experience of reality differs from your child’s doesn’t mean he’s lying. Example: “I know you’re saying that you and Charlotte are getting along fine these days, but yesterday at breakfast you two weren’t getting along very well at all. What do you think was going on with that?”
Strategy #7—table (and ask for more concerns): This is where you’re “shelving” some concerns the child has already articulated so as to facilitate the consideration of other concerns. You’re not dismissing the earlier concerns; you’re just putting them on the back burner temporarily so as to clear space for consideration of other possible concerns. Example: “So if I made pancakes every morning for breakfast, and if the pancakes were ready ten minutes before you had to leave for school, and if your brother and sister weren’t annoying you, would there be anything else that would make it difficult for you to eat breakfast before leaving for school in the morning?”
Strategy #8—summarize (and ask for more concerns): This is where you’re summarizing concerns you’ve already heard about and then asking if there are any other concerns that haven’t yet been discussed. This is the recommended strategy to use before moving on to the Define-Adult-Concerns step, just to make sure there are no other concerns. Example: “Let me make sure I understand everything you’ve said. It’s hard for you to do your social studies work sheet for homework because you’re really tired after a long day at school and soccer practice, it’s too noisy in the dining room because your brother is watching TV in the living room, and you need my help and sometimes I’m busy putting your sister to bed. Is there anything else that’s hard for you about completing the social studies work sheet for homework?”
Here’s an example of what information gathering might sound like, with examples of some of the different drilling strategies:
Parent: I’ve noticed that you’re having difficulty sticking with our thirty-minute time limit on electronics lately. What’s up?
Max: It’s not fair.
Parent (using strategies 1 and 2): It’s not fair. What’s not fair?
Max: Thirty minutes isn’t enough time.
Parent (using strategy 1): Thirty minutes isn’t enough time. How so?
Max: ’Cuz you think everything counts as electronics.
Parent (using strategy 1): I think everything counts as electronics.
Max: You think Minecraft counts as electronics. And I agree with that. And you think playing Clash of Clans on my iPhone counts. And I agree with that too. But you also think texting counts. And you think Instagram counts. And you think Snapchat counts. If all that stuff is going to count, then thirty minutes isn’t enough. So it’s not fair.
Parent (using strategy 1): So you feel that it’s not fair for me to count all of those things as electronics.
Max: Yeah! I mean, I’m not even doing that much gaming! The thirty-minute time limit was supposed to be just for gaming. But now you’re counting everything with a screen as part of the thirty minutes!
Parent (using strategy 1): And you feel that things that aren’t gaming shouldn’t count.
Max: No! I mean, those other things are how kids communicate these days. That’s how I communicate with my friends. So if those things count as electronics time, then I wouldn’t have any time left for gaming.
Parent (using strategy 4): I get it. So when I’m telling you to get off your cell phone or the computer, what are you thinking?
Max: I’m thinking you’re the only parent I know who thinks that other stuff counts as screen time. And I’m thinking it’s not fair. And I’m thinking I wish you knew more about how kids communicate these days.
Parent (strategy 8): So you feel that it’s not fair that there’s a thirty-minute limit on electronics; and you feel that the stuff you’re doing on a screen besides gaming shouldn’t count as part of the thirty minutes; and you feel that most other parents don’t think that stuff should count as screen time. Is there anything else I should know about what’s getting in the way of you sticking with the thirty-minute limit on screen time?
Max: Well, you kind of freak out when you see my phone next to me when I’m doing my homework. I can text my friends while I’m doing my homework and still get my homework done. Sometimes I’m texting them about the homework.
Parent (strategy 6, the risky one): OK. Although you have told me that the texting sometimes distracts you when you’re doing your homework.
Max: Yeah, sometimes, but not most of the time. Plus, if it’s distracting me, I just don’t pay attention to it until my homework’s done.
That was pretty informative. We went all the way from “It’s not fair” to a much clearer understanding of the kid’s point of view on the problem that we’re trying to solve. All that information is going to come in handy when we’re ready to start considering solutions in the Invitation. Adults are often amazed at what they learn when they start inquiring about a kid’s concerns.
Just in case you’re curious, here’s how it would have sounded if the parent had used Plan A to “solve” this problem:
Parent: Because you’re not sticking with the thirty-minute time limit on electronics, I’ve decided to take away your cell phone and remove the Xbox until I decide you’re ready to use them again.
And of course, if—for any of the reasons described in chapter 4—the unsolved problem is being handled with Plan C for now, you wouldn’t raise the issue in the first place.
Some adults, having made some headway toward understanding their kids’ concerns in the Empathy step, have difficulty resisting the temptation to revert to form by being dismissive or jumping back to unilateral solutions, thereby aborting the collaborative process. Here are some examples of what not to do:
Parent: I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to eat breakfast before school. What’s up?
Kid: I don’t like eggs.
Parent: Well, that’s what’s on the menu! I’m not a short-order cook.
Parent: I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to feed the dog in the morning. What’s up?
Kid: I forget to do it.
Parent: If you can’t remember to feed the dog, then I can’t remember to take you to gymnastics three times a week.
Parent: I’ve noticed that you haven’t been too enthusiastic about riding the school bus lately. What’s up?
Kid: The kids are being mean.
Parent: So stand up for yourself. The best defense is a good offense.
This is another possible way in which your kid might respond to your initial introduction to an unsolved problem. There are lots of reasons a kid might say nothing or “I don’t know.”
• Your wording is off. If you don’t word unsolved problems according to the guidelines in chapter 4, you’ll increase the likelihood of silence or “I don’t know,” often because your child doesn’t completely understand what you’re inquiring about or believes that he’s in trouble or that you’re mad. Perhaps you’ve only been talking with him about problems when you are mad or he is in trouble, so you’ll want to reassure him that you’re actually just trying to understand his concerns and solve the problem together.
• Your timing is off. Remember, Emergency Plan B adds heat and time pressure to the mix. Doing Plan B proactively so your child isn’t surprised by your desire to have a discussion—and giving him some advance notice of the topic—can reduce the likelihood of “I don’t know” and silence as well.
• He really doesn’t know what his concern is about the problem you’re trying to discuss. Perhaps you’ve never inquired about his concerns before, at least not in this way. Perhaps he’s never given the matter any thought. Perhaps he’s become so accustomed to having his concerns dismissed that he hasn’t given thought to his concerns for a very long time.
• He’s had a lot of Plan A in his life, and he’s still betting on the Plan A horse. You’ll have to prove to him—by solving problems collaboratively rather than unilaterally—that you’re not riding that horse anymore. By the way, mere reassurance about that may not get the job done—the proof’s in the pudding.
• He may be reluctant to say what’s on his mind. Perhaps history has taught him that if he says what he thinks, you’ll simply disagree or take offense and it’ll cause a fight. Your goal in the Empathy step is to suspend your emotional response to what your child is saying, knowing that if you react emotionally to what you’re hearing, he’ll clam up and you won’t end up hearing anything. You badly want to know your child’s concerns, even if his concerns involve you.
• He’s buying time. Many kids say “I don’t know” instead of “Umm,” or “Give me a second,” or “Let me think about that a minute.” Since you’re not in a rush, you’ll be able to give him a second and let him think about it a minute. Many kids say nothing because they’re collecting their thoughts or because they’re having difficulty putting their thoughts into words. Unfortunately, adults often respond to silence by filling the void with their own concerns, theories, or solutions. In such instances, you’ve strayed quite a bit from the main goals of the Empathy step (information gathering and understanding) and made it even more difficult for your kid to think. You may need to grow more comfortable with the silence that can occur as a kid is giving thought to his concerns.
If you’ve given your kid the chance to think and it’s clear he really has no idea what his concerns are or is simply unable to put his thoughts into words, your best option is to do some educated guessing or hypothesis testing. Here, finally, your theories may actually come in handy. Suggest a few possibilities, based on experience, and see if any ring true:
Parent: I’ve noticed that you haven’t been too enthusiastic about going to hockey lately. What’s up?
Kid: I don’t know.
Parent: Well, let’s think about it. There’s no rush.
Kid (after ten seconds): I really don’t know.
Parent: Take your time.
Kid (after another five seconds): I really don’t know.
Parent: Hmm. Well, I know some things you’ve told me before when you didn’t want to go to hockey. Do you remember what those things were?
Kid: No.
Parent: Well, sometimes you’re worried about making a mistake in front of the other kids. Is that it?
Kid: Kind of.
Parent: And you’re worried that if you make a mistake, the other kids will get mad at you. Is that it too?
Kid: Yeah.
Parent: And you don’t like it when Coach Dan yells at you. Is that happening?
Kid: Not so much.
Parent: So it’s mainly that you’re worried about being embarrassed and the kids getting mad at you if you make a mistake?
Kid: Uh-huh.
Parent: Anything else that we’re not thinking of?
Kid: I don’t think so.
Though that was a brief example, the kid’s concern is now on the table. As you’re in the midst of hypothesizing, bear in mind that you’re proposing possibilities rather than divining the kid’s concern. Here’s what divining sounds like (this is an example of what not to do):
Parent: I’ve noticed that you haven’t been too enthusiastic about going to hockey lately. What’s up?
Kid: I don’t know.
Parent: I think it’s because you’re worried about getting yelled at by Coach Dan.
Many adults think that if their child says, “I don’t have a problem with that,” the game is over. After all, how can they talk with their child about a problem if their child says he doesn’t have a problem with the problem? But this response isn’t a dead end at all; indeed, it’s usually the jumping-off point for learning more about his concern, perspective, or point of view. While it’s entirely possible that he isn’t as concerned about the problem as you are, that doesn’t mean you can’t proceed with Plan B. The first drilling strategy (reflective listening) should serve you well as an initial response.
Parent: I’ve noticed that you’ve been having difficulty getting along with your sister during dinner lately. What’s up?
Kid: I don’t have a problem with that.
Parent: Ah, you don’t have a problem with that. I’m sorry—I’m not sure I understand what you mean.
Kid: I mean I don’t really care if I get along with my sister.
Parent: Ah, you don’t really care if you get along with your sister. Can you say more about that?
Kid: It doesn’t really matter.
Parent: What do you mean?
Kid: She’s just a little kid, and she’s loud and annoying, and we’re never going to get along.
Parent: She’s just a little kid, she’s loud and annoying, and you don’t think you’ll ever get along with her.
Kid: She’s not going to stop being loud and annoying, I’m not going to stop thinking she’s loud and annoying, so nothing’s gonna change. It’s hopeless. Plus, she knows she’s your favorite. She can always complain to you and get me in trouble.
Sounds like he actually does have a problem with that (his sister is loud and annoying and gets him into trouble by complaining to Mom). By the way, even if a kid really isn’t as concerned about the problem as you are, he’s probably concerned about the conflict being caused by the problem. So there’s still a problem to be solved.
Fortunately, he doesn’t have to talk about it right now, and it’s a good idea to let him know that. Many kids start talking the instant they’re given permission not to talk. If he truly doesn’t want to talk about it right now, it’s likely he has a good reason; maybe he’ll talk about that. A lot of kids will talk about why they don’t want to talk about something, which is very informative in its own right. Then, after they’re through talking about that, they’re comfortable enough to start talking about what they didn’t want to talk about in the first place. Regrettably, many adults respond to a kid’s reluctance to talk by insisting harder that the kid talk. But you don’t want to try so hard to get your kid to talk today that you lose your credibility for tomorrow. There’s always tomorrow. Many kids aren’t going to talk until they’re ready and able. I know quite a few adults who are the same way.
Let’s think about why a kid would become defensive in response to adult requests for information on a particular unsolved problem. We’ve actually covered some of them already. Maybe he’s accustomed to problems being solved unilaterally (Plan A). Maybe he thinks that if a problem is being raised, he must be in trouble, so he’s anticipating excoriation and punishment. Maybe he doesn’t really see the point in contemplating or voicing his concerns because he’s become accustomed to having them swept off the table.
Fortunately, we’re trying to break the patterns of communication and adult responses that would cause a kid to feel that talking is not his best option. Your best approach to defensive statements is not reciprocal defensiveness or threats of adult-imposed consequences but rather honesty. A good response to “I don’t have to talk to you” would be “You don’t have to talk to me.” A good response to “You’re not my boss” would be “I’m not trying to boss you.” And a good response to “You can’t make me talk” would be “I can’t make you talk.” Some reassurance that you’re not using Plan A might be helpful, too, as in “I’m not telling you what to do” (you’re not), “You’re not in trouble” (he’s not), “I’m not mad at you” (you’re not), and “I’m just trying to understand” (you are). Statements like “I just want what’s best for you” and “I’m doing this (imposing a solution) because I love you” would not be ideal.
You’re ready to move on to the Define-Adult-Concerns step when you have a clear understanding of your kid’s concern or perspective on a given unsolved problem. How do you know when you’ve reached that point? Keep summarizing and asking for more information (drilling strategy #8) until your child has no additional concerns.
• • • • •
Your child is not the only one with concerns. Based on your experience, wisdom, and values, you have valid, important concerns as well, and you want those concerns to be heard and taken into account. You want influence. Your time has come.
This step is made difficult primarily by the fact that adults often don’t give much thought to their concerns about specific problems. Indeed, they often rush past their concerns and start proposing (and often imposing) their solutions. But solutions that are proposed before identifying the concerns of both parties won’t work, since they can’t possibly address those concerns. Power struggles—which you read about in chapter 3—result when you and your child are proposing competing solutions (solutions that do not address the concerns of both parties). There’s no such thing as competing concerns, by the way—only different concerns that need to be addressed. The concerns of one party don’t trump the concerns of the other, and the goal isn’t to establish who’s right and who’s wrong. The concerns of both parties are of exactly equal legitimacy.
Are you saying my kid is my equal?
No, but if you want to solve problems collaboratively with your child, then his concerns are no less valid and meaningful than yours.
You’ll need to give some careful thought to your concerns, and you can do that ahead of time if you’re finding it hard to think about it in the moment. Simply restating the expectation your child is having difficulty meeting—“I’m concerned that you’re not doing very well in math”—would not be an expression of your concerns. Rather, your concerns will almost always fall into one or both of two categories: (1) how the unsolved problem is affecting your child and/or (2) how the unsolved problem is affecting others.
Adult concerns usually begin with the words “The thing is . . .” or “My concern is . . .” but most definitely not “That is all well and good but . . .” Let’s see what some typical adult concerns might be on some of the problems we’ve been discussing. At the end of each example you’ll see a number designating the category (described in the previous paragraph) that the concerns fall into.
Difficulty waking up in the morning: My concern is that when you have difficulty waking up in the morning, you end up being late for school, and you’re falling behind in your first two classes because you’re frequently not there in time to attend them. (1)
Difficulty eating breakfast before school: My concern is that you need energy to get your day off to a good start and I’m worried that when you don’t eat breakfast, it makes it harder for you to focus on what’s going on in your classes. (1)
Difficulty feeding the dog in the morning: My concern is that if you forget to feed the dog, he will be hungry all day. (2)
Difficulty riding the school bus: The thing is, if you don’t go to school on the school bus, then I have to take you to school and that makes me late for work, and my boss isn’t too happy about that. (2)
Difficulty answering cell phone: The thing is, I worry about whether you’re safe if I don’t know where you are. (2)
Difficulty understanding assignments in math: My concern is that you’re getting very discouraged about how you’re doing in math and it’s making it difficult for you to keep trying . . . and this year’s math is the stepping stone to next year’s math, so I’m concerned that next year is going to be even harder. (1)
Let’s now continue the example of Proactive Plan B we began previously. I’m including the entire dialogue because it may be useful to read the process sequentially:
Parent: I’ve noticed that you’re having difficulty sticking with our thirty-minute time limit on electronics lately. What’s up?
Max: It’s not fair.
Parent: It’s not fair. What’s not fair?
Max: Thirty minutes isn’t enough time.
Parent: Thirty minutes isn’t enough time. How so?
Max: ’Cuz you think everything counts as electronics.
Parent: I think everything counts as electronics.
Max: You think Minecraft counts as electronics. And I agree with that. And you think playing Clash of Clans on my iPhone counts. And I agree with that too. But you also think texting counts. And you think Instagram counts. And you think Snapchat counts. If all that stuff is going to count, then thirty minutes isn’t enough. So it’s not fair.
Parent: So you feel that it’s not fair for me to count all of those things as electronics.
Max: Yeah! I mean, I’m not even doing that much gaming! The thirty-minute time limit was supposed to be just for gaming. But now you’re counting everything with a screen as part of the thirty minutes!
Parent: And you feel that things that aren’t gaming shouldn’t count.
Max: No! I mean, those other things are how kids communicate these days. That’s how I communicate with my friends. So if those things count as electronics time, then I wouldn’t have any time left for gaming.
Parent: I get it. So when I’m telling you to get off your cell phone or the computer, what are you thinking?
Max: I’m thinking you’re the only parent I know who thinks that other stuff counts as screen time. And I’m thinking it’s not fair. And I’m thinking I wish you knew more about how kids communicate these days.
Parent: So you feel that it’s not fair that there’s a thirty-minute limit on electronics; and you feel that the stuff you’re doing on a screen besides gaming shouldn’t count as part of the thirty minutes; and you feel that most other parents don’t think that stuff should count as screen time. Is there anything else I should know about what’s getting in the way of you sticking with the thirty-minute limit on screen time?
Max: Well, you kind of freak out when you see my phone next to me when I’m doing my homework. I can text my friends while I’m doing my homework and still get my homework done. Sometimes I’m texting them about the homework.
Parent: OK. Although you have told me that the texting sometimes distracts you when you’re doing your homework.
Max: Yeah, sometimes, but not most of the time. Plus, if it’s distracting me, I just don’t pay attention to it until my homework’s done.
Parent: My concern is that I don’t always know what you’re doing on your phone or on your computer, so I don’t know how much time you’re really spending on gaming. And I think all that electronic stuff is keeping you awake later at night and keeping you from hanging out with me and Dad and Molly.
Both sets of concerns are now on the table. No turning back now.
• • • • •
This final step involves considering potential solutions that will address the concerns of both parties, concerns that have been identified and clarified in the first two steps. It’s called the Invitation step because you’re actually inviting your child to collaborate on solutions together. The Invitation lets your child know that solving the problem is something you’re doing with him (collaboratively) rather than to him (unilaterally).
To start this step, you could simply say something like, “Let’s think about how we can solve this problem,” or “Let’s think about how we can work that out.” But to facilitate the consideration of solutions that will address the concerns of both parties, it’s usually better to recap the concerns that were identified in the first two steps, usually starting with the words “I wonder if there’s a way . . .” So, for the aforementioned example, that would sound something like this: “I wonder if there’s a way for you to use your phone and computer to communicate with your friends without it counting as screen time”—that was the kid’s concern—“but for me to make sure that you’re sticking with the thirty-minute limit on gaming, that you’re getting to bed on time, and that you’re still hanging out with us sometimes” (those were the adult’s concerns).
Then you give your child the first opportunity to propose a solution: “Do you have any ideas?” This is not an indication that the burden for solving the problem is placed solely on your child. The burden for solving the problem is placed on the problem-solving team (you and your child). But giving your kid the first crack at thinking of a solution is a good strategy for letting him know you’re actually interested in his ideas. It also gives him practice at thinking of solutions. Too often we assume that the only person capable of coming up with a good solution to a problem is the adult. While there is a chance that your kid won’t be able to think of any solutions, it’s actually quite likely that he can think of solutions, and even ones that will take your combined concerns into account. There’s also a good chance he has been waiting, perhaps not so patiently, for you to give him the chance.
Many parents enter Plan B with a preordained solution. In other words, they already know where the Plan B plane is landing before it takes off. If you already know where the plane is landing before it takes off, then you’re not using Plan B—you’re using a “clever” form of Plan A. Plan B is not just a “clever” form of Plan A. Plan B is collaborative. Plan A is unilateral.
The reality is that there is no flight plan. The Plan B plane will head wherever the crosswinds of your combined concerns take you. But you do have some gauges in the cockpit to help you and your collaborative partner know where to land the plane: the solution must be realistic (meaning both parties can actually do what they’re agreeing to do) and mutually satisfactory (meaning the solution truly and logically addresses the concerns of both parties). If a solution isn’t realistic and mutually satisfactory, alternative solutions should be generated and considered. By the way, “trying harder” is never a viable solution.
The realistic part is important because Plan B isn’t an exercise in wishful thinking. If you can’t execute your part of the solution that’s under consideration, don’t agree to it just to end the conversation. Likewise, if you don’t think your kid can execute his part of the solution that’s under consideration, then try to get him to take a moment to think about whether he can actually do what he’s agreeing to do (“You sure you can do that? Let’s make sure we come up with a solution we can both do”).
The mutually satisfactory part is important, too, and requires that you and your child give conscious, deliberate thought to the concerns the solution is intended to address. In other words, all proposed solutions are evaluated on the basis of whether they address the concerns identified in the first two steps of Plan B. The mutually satisfactory aspect is a great comfort to adults who fear that in using Plan B their concerns will go unaddressed and no limits will be set. You’re “setting limits” if your concerns are being addressed. If a solution is mutually satisfactory, then by definition your concerns have been addressed. If you thought that Plan A is the only mechanism by which adults can set limits, you were mistaken.
The mutually satisfactory part also helps the kid know that you’re as invested in ensuring that his concerns are addressed as you are in making sure that yours are addressed. That’s how you lose an enemy and gain a problem-solving partner. That’s how you move from adversary to teammate.
Early on, your child may come up with solutions that address his concerns but not yours. You may have the same tendency. That doesn’t mean he’s come up with a bad idea—or that he doesn’t care about your concerns or is unable to take them into account—only that he’s not yet highly skilled at coming up with solutions that are mutually satisfactory. Simply remind him that the goal is to come up with a solution that works for both of you, perhaps by saying, “Well, that’s an idea, and I know that idea would address your concern, but I don’t think it would address my concern. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us.”
Many parents, in their eagerness to solve the problem, forget the Invitation step. This means that just as they are at the precipice of actually collaborating on a solution, they impose a solution. Not good. Your kid thought you were partnering with him in solving a problem and then you went back to being unilateral and pulled the collaborative rug out from under him. He’s likely to have major reservations about participating in the process again the next time.
Let’s see how the three ingredients would go together, assuming that things are going smoothly. Again, forgive the redundancy, but it’s helpful to see the process unfold from start to finish.
Parent: I’ve noticed that you’re having difficulty sticking with our thirty-minute time limit on electronics lately. What’s up?
Max: It’s not fair.
Parent: It’s not fair. What’s not fair?
Max: Thirty minutes isn’t enough time.
Parent: Thirty minutes isn’t enough time. How so?
Max: ’Cuz you think everything counts as electronics.
Parent: I think everything counts as electronics.
Max: You think Minecraft counts as electronics. And I agree with that. And you think playing Clash of Clans on my iPhone counts. And I agree with that too. But you also think texting counts. And you think Instagram counts. And you think Snapchat counts. If all that stuff is going to count, then thirty minutes isn’t enough. So it’s not fair.
Parent: So you feel that it’s not fair for me to count all of those things as electronics.
Max: Yeah! I mean, I’m not even doing that much gaming! The thirty-minute time limit was supposed to be just for gaming. But now you’re counting everything with a screen as part of the thirty minutes!
Parent: And you feel that things that aren’t gaming shouldn’t count.
Max: No! I mean, those other things are how kids communicate these days. That’s how I communicate with my friends. So if those things count as electronics time, then I wouldn’t have any time left for gaming.
Parent: I get it. So when I’m telling you to get off your cell phone or the computer, what are you thinking?
Max: I’m thinking you’re the only parent I know who thinks that other stuff counts as screen time. And I’m thinking it’s not fair. And I’m thinking I wish you knew more about how kids communicate these days.
Parent: So you feel that it’s not fair that there’s a thirty-minute limit on electronics; and you feel that the stuff you’re doing on a screen besides gaming shouldn’t count as part of the thirty minutes; and you feel that most other parents don’t think that stuff should count as screen time. Is there anything else I should know about what’s getting in the way of you sticking with the thirty-minute limit on screen time?
Max: Well, you kind of freak out when you see my phone next to me when I’m doing my homework. I can text my friends while I’m doing my homework and still get my homework done. Sometimes I’m texting them about the homework.
Parent: OK. Although you have told me that the texting sometimes distracts you when you’re doing your homework.
Max: Yeah, sometimes, but not most of the time. Plus, if it’s distracting me, I just don’t pay attention to it until my homework’s done.
Parent: My concern is that I don’t always know what you’re doing on your phone or on your computer, so I don’t know how much time you’re really spending on gaming. And I think all that electronic stuff is keeping you awake later at night and keeping you from hanging out with me and Dad and Molly.
Parent: I wonder if there’s a way for us to make sure you get your thirty minutes of game time every day . . . and still connect with your friends through Snapchat and Instagram and texting . . . but in a way that let’s me know you’re only gaming for the thirty minutes . . . and doesn’t keep you awake at night . . . and doesn’t keep you from hanging out with me and Dad and Molly. Do you have any ideas?
Max: No.
Parent: Well, let’s think about it. I bet we can solve this problem.
Max: Well, I usually do gaming right after I get home from school or from football practice because I need some downtime. So, like, we could have a set time for gaming so you’ll know that’s what I’m doing.
Parent: That’s an interesting idea. I didn’t know that’s when you mostly do your games.
Max: Well, sometimes I do it after I’m done with my homework if I haven’t had a chance to do any gaming before that. And weekends are different. I do gaming when I wake up in the morning on weekends.
Parent: And do you think you stick to the thirty-minute limit on gaming on weekend mornings? It seems like you’re gaming way more than that.
Max: Um . . . you’re probably right. But I think I should have a little more time to do gaming on weekends, since I have more free time.
Parent: Thanks for your honesty. I can think about the extra time for gaming on weekends. But let’s get back to weekdays. How will I know when you’re gaming?
Max: I really only do it after school or after homework. And it’s not usually after homework, because I usually finish my homework so late that I go right to bed when I’m done.
Parent: To tell you the truth, I’ve never been a big fan of gaming right before bed. I think it makes it hard for you to fall asleep.
Max: Can I do texting and Instagram and Snapchat before I go to bed . . . you know, so I can, like, connect with my friends one last time?
Parent: I don’t have a problem with that, so long as it doesn’t keep you from going to sleep. So how do we keep track of how much time you’re connecting with your friends?
Max: Um . . . I don’t know how we’d keep track of that. I only do it for, like, a minute or two at a time, but I do it a lot of times every day.
Parent: But don’t you have games on your iPhone? How will I know you’re only connecting with your friends when you’re on your iPhone?
Max: I don’t mind taking the games off my iPhone. All I have on there is a flight simulator and Clash of Clans, and I’m kind of getting sick of those.
Parent: That would be good. And can we have a time that the iPhone gets put away at night?
Max: How about fifteen minutes after I finish my homework I turn off my iPhone?
Parent: I can deal with that. And no games on your iPhone. And gaming only right after you get home from school or from football practice. And I won’t bug you about how much you’re on your iPhone. Wow, we’re doing pretty well here. Thanks for talking with me about this.
Max: We just have two more things to solve.
Parent: We do?
Max: Yeah. Weekend gaming . . . and the part about my electronics keeping me from being with you and Dad and Molly.
Parent: Yes, I forgot about that part. Thanks, Max.
Max: Can we talk about those tomorrow? I think I’m kinda worn out.
Parent: Yes, we can talk about those tomorrow. I might be kinda worn out myself.
Max: But I don’t think it’s going to be hard to solve the spending-time one, because if I’m gaming right after school or football practice, that’s not a time when you and Dad and Molly are even doing stuff that you want me to be a part of.
Parent: I think that’s true. I guess I’m just thinking about all the times we’re together—especially on the weekends—and you have your face in your iPhone. But let’s save that one for tomorrow. And let’s see how our solutions work for our other problems. If they don’t work, we’ll talk about them some more.
That last line was important, as it underscores a very important point: it’s good for you and your child to acknowledge that the problem may require additional discussion, because there’s actually a decent chance that the first solution won’t solve the problem durably. Why wouldn’t the first solution solve the problem durably? Often because it wasn’t as realistic or mutually satisfactory as it first seemed. Or because the first attempt at clarifying concerns yielded useful but incomplete information. By definition, the solution will only address the concerns you know about, but it can’t possibly address the ones you haven’t heard about yet. And because solving a problem in real life isn’t usually a one-and-done affair. Good solutions—durable ones—are usually refined versions of the solutions that came before them.
Are you thinking that our first example of all three steps of Plan B went rather seamlessly? You’re right—it was pretty smooth sailing. It’s good to see an initial example of all three steps without major glitches. We’ll be getting around to glitches in the next chapter.
Question: I’m still a little confused about Plan A. It seems like I’m not supposed to tell my child what to do anymore.
Answer: That’s a common point of confusion. Remember, Plan A is when you’re imposing a solution to an unsolved problem. But, as you’ve read, that’s not the same thing as voicing your expectations. So, “I’d like you to set the dinner table,” is not Plan A. Nor is “Please stop teasing your sister,” or “I think you need to be a little more aggressive going after the puck in hockey.” You’re still very much in the business of making your expectations known. But if you find that you’re telling your kid to do the same things over and over, you might want to consider whether repeated telling is really your most effective strategy.
Question: So is everything a negotiation?
Answer: Plan B isn’t best thought of as negotiating or even compromising. Plan B is solving problems collaboratively. Remember, your child is already meeting many of your expectations. Plan B is for the expectations he’s having difficulty meeting.
Question: I’ve been using a lot of Plan A, and now I understand why that’s not ideal. But Plan B is going to be quite a change for me. Thoughts?
Answer: It may take a while for you to get comfortable with and proficient at solving problems collaboratively and proactively. Early on, it may feel like you’re giving up some control of your child. Of course, you probably didn’t have as much control as you thought anyway, and hopefully you’re not viewing control in such a positive light anymore. But solving problems collaboratively can also be a great relief. You’re off the hook for coming up with instantaneous, ingenious solutions to the problems your child encounters. In addition, the problems affecting your child’s life are no longer a source of conflict between you and him. Making the shift is a lot easier if you’re being proactive rather than reactive; again, it’s harder to stay away from Plan A in the heat of the moment.
Question: Doesn’t Plan B take a lot more time than Plan A?
Answer: That’s a pretty common initial reaction to Plan B. Though it may have felt like coming up with a quick, unilateral solution to a problem was a time-saver, unilateral solutions usually don’t work and therefore take an enormous amount of time.
Question: There’s a lot going on in Plan B besides solving problems, yes?
Answer: Yes, indeed. As you’ve read, Plan B is how relationships are built (or rebuilt) and communication enhanced (or restored). It’s how you and your child learn about his skills, beliefs, values, preferences, personality traits, goals, and direction, along with your values, wisdom, and experience. It’s how you have influence without the use of power. It’s how—and we haven’t really talked much about this yet, and won’t until chapter 9—you bring out the best in you and your child and foster the qualities on the more positive side of human nature.
Question: The Empathy step reminds me a little of something I read in Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People . . . am I on to something?
Answer: You are. In that book, Mr. Covey points out that we spend years learning how to read and write and speak but have probably had very little training in listening:
If you’re like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you’re listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely. So why does this happen? Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating.
Question: Will my kid start talking to me again if I approach problems with Plan B? I miss him.
Answer: If he comes to recognize that you’re going to listen to, clarify, and validate his concerns, and that those concerns will be addressed, you’ve certainly laid the foundation for him to start talking to you again. Perhaps he misses you too.
Question: Will he start listening to my concerns too?
Answer: Kids whose concerns are heard and addressed—rather than dismissed or ignored—are far more interested in hearing your concerns and in making sure that they are addressed too.
Question: So if I notice that my child is having difficulty meeting a particular expectation, when should I try to solve the problem? Immediately?
Answer: It probably depends on the unsolved problem. If he just brought home his first bad grade on a spelling test, you don’t necessarily need to intervene immediately. One option is to watch closely to see if your kid is making independent progress toward improving the spelling grade (Plan C). You want to promote independence at virtually every step along the way. But if he’s not making independent progress, you also don’t want him to struggle for too long. If you don’t intervene when it’s become clear he’s unable to overcome incompatibility on his own, he’ll lose faith in his ability to surmount hurdles. Letting kids drown isn’t the ideal way for them to learn to swim.
Question: Can you say more about Plan C? Somehow setting aside an unsolved problem makes me feel like I’m dropping all of my expectations.
Answer: Remember, there are different reasons for using Plan C: (1) you’ve concluded you don’t really care that much about a given expectation; (2) you’ve decided to defer to your child’s skills, beliefs, values, preferences, personality traits, and goals; (3) you’ve decided to let your child try to solve the problem independently, at least for now; (4) you’ve concluded that the expectation is unrealistic for your child at this point in his development; or (5) you have other higher-priority expectations to pursue. But you’re definitely not dropping all of your expectations. You’re still working on some unsolved problems with Plan B. Don’t forget, there are many expectations your child is already meeting.
Question: I’ve always believed that most people—kids included—are inherently selfish. Aren’t we all primarily interested in making sure that our own concerns are addressed?
Answer: There’s no question, we all (kids included) want to make sure our concerns are heard and addressed. And yes, we tend to be more passionate about and devoted to our own concerns than we are to the concerns of others. But that doesn’t mean we’re devoted to ensuring that our concerns are addressed to the exclusion of the concerns of others. I’m always amazed—and I get daily reminders of this—at how willing kids are to take the concerns of others into account in formulating solutions. They just need practice at it. If imposition of adult will is the primary way in which adults exert their influence, neither the kids nor the adults get that practice, and the kids just perpetuate the cycle.
The problems we humans grapple with—and not just those between adults and kids—demand that we hear each other’s concerns and work together toward durable, mutually satisfactory solutions. We need each other. We need to do it together.
• • • • •
Let’s see what Plan B looks like in one of the families we’ve been following.
Denise decided to give Plan B a try when she was putting Charlotte to bed one night. This was their “mushy time,” and the boys, who were downstairs watching a TV show, were unlikely to interrupt.
Denise sat down next to Charlotte on her bed. “Charlotte, can I talk with you about something?”
“Yes, Mommy. Is something wrong?”
My sensitive one, thought Denise. “No, nothing’s wrong. I just thought you and I could solve a problem together. Wanna try?”
“What kind of problem?”
“Well, I meant to tell you earlier that I wanted to talk to you about it. It’s about getting out of the house on time for school. Can we talk about that?”
“OK. Are you mad?”
“No, I’m not mad at all. But I’ve noticed that it’s hard for you to get ready for school in the morning on time to catch the school bus. What’s up?”
“I don’t like rushing in the morning,” Charlotte replied.
Denise didn’t quite understand this response. But safe in the knowledge that mind reading is not a prerequisite for solving problems collaboratively, she did some reflective listening. “You don’t like rushing in the morning. I don’t understand what you mean.”
“I don’t like having to pick out my clothes and take a shower and eat breakfast and feed the dog all in a rush. It’s too much for me to do. There’s not enough time.”
Denise felt like telling Charlotte that there would be plenty of time if she didn’t get distracted by the TV, but resisted the temptation. She did some more reflective listening instead. “So there’s not enough time.”
“No, and that’s why I sometimes forget to feed the dog.”
“Because you’re in such a rush and there’s too many things for you to do.”
“Yes.”
“Is there anything else making it hard for you to get ready for school in the morning in time to catch the school bus?”
“I also like when you drive me to school. So we can have time together.”
This one Denise had heard before. “Yes, I know you like spending time with me when I drive you to school in the morning.”
“ ’Cuz the boys aren’t with us.”
“Ah, because the boys aren’t with us. So that makes it especially nice.”
“Yes.”
Denise noticed that the tenderness she was feeling for her daughter at this moment was in sharp contrast with how she felt most weekday mornings when Charlotte was running late. She decided to summarize the territory they’d already covered. “So, one of the reasons that you have trouble getting ready for school in the morning is because you feel you don’t have enough time to do everything. And another reason is that you like when I drive you to school because the boys aren’t with us and it’s nice for us to spend some time together without them.”
Charlotte nodded.
“Are there any other reasons you have trouble getting ready for school in the morning in time to catch the school bus?”
Charlotte shook her head. “Are we done talking now?”
“Why? Do you want to be done talking now?”
“No. I like talking to you, Mommy.”
“Oh good; well, we’re not quite done talking yet. We still need to solve the problem. See, my concern is that I’m very busy in the morning—you know, getting everybody’s breakfast ready and getting myself ready for work too. So it makes it a little hard for me when I have to keep track of everything you’re supposed to be doing, because I have so much to do in the morning myself. Do you understand what I mean?
Charlotte clutched her rag doll. “I’m sorry, Mommy.”
“Oh, no need to be sorry, honey. I just thought maybe we could think about how to solve the problem.”
“What problem?”
“You know, you having a lot to do in the morning . . . and wanting to spend time together without the boys . . . and me having so much to keep track of in the morning that it’s hard for me to keep track of you. Do you have any ideas?”
Charlotte pondered the question. “Could you feed Skipper in the morning? And I could feed Skipper at night?”
Denise considered this proposal. “That would help you have less to do in the morning?”
“Yes. But I could feed him at night when you usually feed him. Because I don’t have any chores at night.”
“That’s an interesting idea, Charlotte. I think I like it. So we’d just swap what time we’re both going to feed him. You’d remember to feed Skipper at night?”
“I could feed him right when I get home from day care. He’s always hungry then.”
“We could try that. Any other ideas?”
“I could get up fifteen minutes early,” Charlotte proposed. “Like when you get up.” Charlotte often ended up in Denise’s bed in the middle of the night, so she was well aware of Denise’s movements in the morning. “Then I’d have more time. I’m awake anyways.”
“So you’d get up when I get up?”
“Uh-huh. And maybe I could take my shower at night so I wouldn’t have to do it in the morning. That would save time too. And maybe I could pick out my clothes the night before too so I wouldn’t have to do that in the morning either.”
Denise looked at Charlotte with some amazement. It often occurred to her that her daughter was wise well beyond her years. “These are really good ideas, Charlotte. So let’s think: you’d pick out your clothes the night before, and you’d take a shower the night before too. And you’d get out of bed fifteen minutes earlier when I do.” Denise reflected on whether all of this was realistic. “I think that might work very well.”
“And maybe I could eat my breakfast in front of the TV when I’m all ready for school.”
Ah, the dreaded TV, thought Denise. But if Charlotte could get everything done, I don’t mind her eating breakfast in front of the TV. “So, let’s think about how that would work. You’d come downstairs and I’d have your breakfast ready, and if you were all ready for school, you’d get to eat breakfast in front of the TV?”
Charlotte nodded.
“Should we start this plan tomorrow?” Denise asked.
“OK.”
“Now, there’s one more part of what we talked about that we haven’t really done anything about yet.”
Charlotte looked puzzled.
“The part about you wanting to spend time with me by yourself,” Denise reminded.
“Oh, yeah.”
“How could we solve that problem?”
“I don’t know,” said Charlotte.
“Because it’s kind of tough for me to take you to school in the car in the morning,” said Denise. “It’s hard for me to get to work on time if I take you to school.”
“Could we find another time that’s just you and me?” volunteered Charlotte.
Denise quickly reflected on how she was stretched for time already. But this little kid of hers wanted to spend more time with her, and she was determined to find a way. “Well, we spend time together when I take you to Daddy’s apartment,” said Denise. “And you go food shopping with me a lot. And I put you to bed every night just you and me.”
Charlotte nodded. “But I love my mommy.”
“So should we figure out another time that we could spend time together, just you and me?”
“On your weekends could we play with my dolls together? Daddy doesn’t play with dolls.”
“You mean on the weekends when you’re not at Daddy’s? We’d find a time to play dolls together?”
“Uh-huh.”
“That’s something you’d like me to do with you?”
“Yes. It’s more fun than playing with them alone.”
“I think that would be a very good thing for us to do together. Shall we try to find time to do that this weekend?”
Charlotte nodded. “Are we done talking now, Mommy?”
“I think we are.”
Denise and Charlotte read a book together. Then Denise kissed Charlotte good night, turned off the light, and went into the living room to get bedtime rolling with Nick. (Hank had decided years ago that he was too old for his mother to put him to bed at night, so he usually went to bed on his own at 9:30 p.m.) But buoyed by the success of her first Plan B with Charlotte, she decided to give it a try with Hank as well.
“Hank, can I talk with you about something before you go to sleep tonight?” Denise asked, interrupting Hank’s double-screening (using Instagram on his smartphone and watching Shark Tank on TV).
“About what?” Hank grunted, not looking away from either screen.
Ah, my surly one, thought Denise. “About how you get along with your brother and sister.”
“I don’t care about how I get along with my brother and sister. They’re annoying.”
Well, this is a horse of a different color, Denise thought, though she wasn’t surprised. “Hank, you’re not in trouble. I just want to get your take on things.”
“My take on things is that they’re annoying and you’re making it hard for me to watch Shark Tank.”
Denise decided that this was a losing proposition for now. “Well, it is something I want to talk with you about at some point. So I’ll talk with you later about a good time to do that.”
“Never would be a good time to do that,” said Hank, as he turned the volume up on the TV.
There are a few takeaways from this story. First, there’s a good chance that the same solution won’t address all of the concerns you hear about in the Empathy step. For example, in the case of Denise and Charlotte, the same solution wouldn’t address Charlotte’s two primary concerns (having a lot to do in the morning and wanting to spend time together without the boys). So you’ll want to come up with separate solutions to both concerns, possibly in separate Plan B discussions.
Second, if you were a bit taken aback by Hank’s initial response to Denise’s efforts to talk with him and felt that he needed a quick lesson on respecting one’s elders, you may want to hold off on that. Hank’s response may simply have been borne of his having been interrupted, but it may also reflect a pattern of interactions that have evolved over several years. A quick lesson on respect won’t fix that; continued use of Plan B is a better bet.