Now that you have a general sense of what’s involved in solving problems collaboratively, it would probably be good for you to be aware of some of the ways in which Plan B can go off the rails. That’ll help you keep things on track. So this chapter is mostly about what not to do. By the way, these pitfalls will make the most sense once you’ve actually tried to do Plan B with your child.
• • • • •
Many adults automatically start thinking of the solutions and consequences they can impose when their child isn’t meeting a particular expectation. Of course, there’s nothing that says you have to follow your first instinct. It may be helpful to think things through a little so as to consider whether Plan A is really your best option. Here’s what that might sound like in your head:
Maya has fallen behind in her classes again. I need to ground her so she can get her work done. I mean, why the heck is she going to yoga at night if she’s behind in her classes? I need to lay down the law. This is the semester colleges are going to be looking at the most! How can she not know that? On the other hand, she was out sick three days last week, and that’s why she’s behind. And she’s always gotten caught up when she’s fallen behind before. So maybe I don’t need to ground her. But, really, yoga? Well, maybe it’s not so terrible that she needs a break from all that schoolwork. But how am I going to make sure she’s getting caught up? I guess I could talk to her about it . . .
• • • • •
As you’ve read, parents are often quite certain they already know what their children’s concerns are. Then they impose solutions based on those assumptions. Because those assumptions are often incorrect, those solutions are doomed. So you may want to strive for something we’ll call Assumption-Free Living. Assumption-Free Living is liberating. It releases you from the distraction and false certainty of your assumptions and frees you to actually find out what’s going on with your kid. By asking her. For many parents, a common experience in the Empathy step is learning the truth of the famous maxim about what happens when you assume. It’s not a catastrophe to have some hypotheses about your child’s concerns on a particular unsolved problem, so long as you also bear in mind that those hypotheses may be incorrect and, at the very least, are awaiting confirmation. The trick is to keep your hypotheses on the back burner while you’re drilling for information. Otherwise, you’re at risk of perfunctory drilling and/or of steering the discussion toward a predetermined destination.
• • • • •
There are many adults who think it’s in the parental job description to be the one to come up with solutions to the problems that affect their child’s life. After all, we know best. Except that we often don’t know best, especially when we have insufficient information from our Problem-Solving Partner. Solutions that are viable and durable are those that address the concerns of both parties, and you can’t address the concerns of both parties if you don’t know what those concerns are. That’s why the Empathy step and the Define-Adult-Concerns step come before the Invitation. It’s fine to have some ideas for how a problem can be solved, but it’s important to remember that the litmus test for all solutions is the degree to which they are realistic and address the concerns of both parties.
• • • • •
Solving problems proactively can be a major challenge for busy parents. However, there’s not much choice but to carve out the time. As you know, Emergency Plan B involves more heat and less ideal circumstances (e.g., you’re driving the car, trying to leave the house, or in the middle of the grocery store and have other kids and people around). Plus, solutions arrived at through Emergency Plan B tend to be stopgap rather than durable. Remember, you’re trying to come up with solutions that solve the problem durably, not solutions that simply get you over the hump for the day. That’s why you want to identify unsolved problems and prioritize ahead of time.
As you also know, even when you’re using Plan B proactively, you’d be well served to give your kid some advance notice of the problem you’d like to discuss. Otherwise, she may still respond like you’ve sprung the problem on her with no warning.
• • • • •
You want Plan B to become the norm for solving problems in your family, not the exception. Plan B isn’t something you turn to only when exhorting and extorting has failed.
• • • • •
It’s not always easy to know what to say to keep your kid talking so you can get the information you’re seeking. You’ll want to rely on the drilling strategies you read about in chapter 5; they really do help. But there are also some things kids say in response to “What’s up?” that can leave you at a loss. Some examples:
Parent: I’ve noticed you’ve been having difficulty getting your vocabulary words done lately. What’s up?
Kid: It’s boring.
Parent (trying to drill): What’s boring about it?
Kid: It’s just boring.
Parent: I’ve noticed you haven’t been eating what I’ve been making for dinner lately. What’s up?
Kid: I don’t like it.
Parent (trying to drill): What don’t you like about it?
Kid: It doesn’t taste right.
Parent (still trying to drill): Well, can you tell me what doesn’t taste right?
Kid: It just doesn’t taste right.
Yes, there are kids who instantaneously begin expressing their concerns when you present them with an unsolved problem, but if your kid isn’t one of them, stick with the drilling strategies. Remember, your default drilling option is reflective listening. Let’s see what this drilling strategy (and others) might look like in situations in which the Empathy step gets off to a slow start. These dialogues don’t take you all the way through Plan B; they just show you how drilling perseverance can get you some traction:
Parent: I’ve noticed you’ve been having difficulty getting your vocabulary words done lately. What’s up?
Kid: It’s boring.
Parent (trying to drill, using strategy #2): What’s boring about it?
Kid: It’s just boring.
Parent (perhaps looking at those drilling strategies in chapter 5 and deciding on strategy #4): Hmm. So when you’re sitting there trying to do the vocabulary words, what are you thinking?
Kid: I’m thinking it’s boring.
Parent (strategies #1 and #4): Ah, you’re thinking it’s boring. What else are you thinking?
Kid: I’m thinking I’m not going to remember the definitions for the quiz the next day.
Parent (strategy #1): Ah, you’re thinking you’re not going to be able to remember the definitions for the quiz the next day.
Kid: I never do. That’s why my English grade isn’t that good. I never get good grades on the vocab quizzes.
Parent: I didn’t know that. I’d like to hear more about that . . .
Good, some traction. Naturally, the conversation would continue from there. Here’s another:
Parent: I’ve noticed you haven’t been eating what I’ve been making for dinner lately. What’s up?
Kid: It doesn’t taste right.
Parent (using strategy #2): What doesn’t taste right?
Kid: It just doesn’t taste right.
Parent (using strategy #3): You know, I noticed that some nights you eat what I make and some nights you don’t. Are there some things I make that you like and some things I make that you don’t?
Kid: I like chicken nuggets.
Parent: Yes, I’ve noticed that you do like chicken nuggets. But I think there are other things I make that you eat.
Kid: Like what?
Parent: Pasta.
Kid: Oh, yeah, pasta. But only with butter. Not with red sauce. And not with meat.
Parent: What don’t you like about the red sauce and the meat?
Kid: The meat is disgusting. And the red sauce just doesn’t taste right.
Parent: Anything else I make that you like?
Kid: No.
Parent: Sometimes you like oatmeal.
Kid: Not when you put raisins or nuts in it.
Parent: Anything I make that you especially don’t like?
Kid: I don’t like the vegetables . . . except mashed potatoes.
Parent: I’m glad we’re figuring out what you like and don’t like. That’ll help us solve this problem.
• • • • •
While it’s conceivable that your kid’s first stab at identifying and articulating her concerns may not be spot-on—she may not have given her concerns much thought until you asked—many adults are quick to view a kid’s concerns as wrong or untrue. Sometimes this is because her concerns don’t coincide with your preconceived notions. But your kid’s concerns can’t be wrong or untrue, because there’s no such thing as wrong or untrue concerns. Her point of view is as legitimate as yours, though it may need some clarifying. For example, some kids may feel embarrassed about their concern or perspective or may be worried about how you’ll respond, but that’s not lying. So the last thing you’d want to do is dismiss her concerns or, worse, tell her you think she’s lying. Then she’ll stop talking to you. When you’re solving problems collaboratively, you don’t really have to worry about lying, which is quite a shift from feeling like you need to be on constant guard against being played for a fool or having the wool pulled over your eyes. When kids recognize that they’re not in trouble and that you’re purely interested in understanding their concern, perspective, or point of view on a given unsolved problem, they don’t have much incentive to fabricate. The tone you’re setting in the Empathy step isn’t accusatory, nor is it adversarial or confrontational. Your kid isn’t in trouble. You’re not mad. The tone is one of curiosity. You really want to understand.
When adults think a kid is lying in the Empathy step, it’s often because the adult isn’t inquiring about a specific unsolved problem but rather about a behavior someone saw the kid exhibit, usually setting the stage for an exercise in grilling rather than drilling. Here’s what that sounds like (notice the adult isn’t really doing the Empathy step):
Parent: I heard from your teacher, Ms. Fornier, that you kicked Victor on the playground.
Kid: I did not.
Parent: Now, why would Ms. Fornier make that up?
Kid: I don’t know, but she is. I didn’t kick him. He kicked me.
Parent: That’s not what she said.
Kid: Well, she’s wrong.
Parent: She said she saw it with her own eyes!
Kid: Then she’s blind, ’cuz I didn’t kick him. Why don’t you believe me?
Whether the kid and Ms. Fornier are accurately recounting the episode is one issue. But trying to get to the bottom of a specific episode is beside the point anyway, because what happened in that episode isn’t nearly as important as solving the chronic problem of the kid and Victor having difficulty getting along on the playground.
• • • • •
Don’t be insulted that she doesn’t care about your concern. Let’s face it: you may not actually care that much about hers. The good news is that she doesn’t really have to care about your concern; she just has to take it into account as you pursue a mutually satisfactory solution together. She’ll start trying to address your concerns not too long after you start trying to address hers. Here’s an example:
Parent: Jackson, I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to come to dinner when you’re playing your video games. What’s up?
Jackson: You always make me quit in the middle of a game.
Parent: I always make you quit in the middle of a game. Good to know. Tell me, what game are you usually in the middle of playing?
Jackson: Madden.
Parent: Ah, Madden. You play that a lot.
Jackson: I like Madden.
Parent: I know you do. So sometimes you’re in the middle of a Madden game. Tell me, does the Madden game pause so you can come back to it later?
Jackson: Yeah.
Parent: What’s hard about pausing the game so you can come back to it later?
Jackson: You don’t let me go back to it later. You make me do homework right after dinner. So then I can’t go back to finish the game.
Parent: Now I understand. Is there anything else that’s hard about coming to dinner when you’re playing Madden?
Jackson: No.
Parent: OK. Well, the thing is, it’s really important to me that we eat dinner together as a family. Because that’s really the only time during the day that we get to be together and talk to each other.
Jackson: I don’t care if we eat dinner together as a family.
Parent: Um . . . OK. Well, I guess it’s probably more important to me that we eat together than it is to you. But I’m thinking that if we could get the problem solved in a way that works for both of us, then we could get it solved once and for all and then we wouldn’t keep fighting about it.
• • • • •
Hopefully you have some ideas. Remember, it’s not her job to solve the problem; it’s the job of the Problem-Solving Partners: you and her. If your kid truly has no ideas, it’s fine for you to offer some proposals, so long as you don’t end up imposing a solution in the process. In other words, no matter who proposes the solution, it still needs to be realistic and mutually satisfactory.
• • • • •
Once a solution is proposed, you and your child should give deliberate thought to whether the solution under consideration is truly realistic and mutually satisfactory. If there’s doubt about whether a solution meets those two criteria, you’ll want to discuss possible modifications to the original idea or consider alternatives until you and your child agree on a solution that comes closer to the mark. By the way, notice that you’re not brainstorming dozens of solutions before you start evaluating each one; that can become overwhelming. Better to consider one solution at a time; if the first one isn’t realistic and mutually satisfactory, either refine it or consider another until one comes closer to the mark.
• • • • •
Each of the three ingredients, each step, is indispensable in the collaborative resolution of a problem. If you skip a step, you’re leaving out an important ingredient, and that’s not a recipe for success.
If you skip the Empathy step, you won’t know your child’s concerns, and whatever solution you come up with won’t address those concerns. Those solutions tend not to work very well. If that sounds a lot like Plan A, you may be on to something:
Parent: I want you to do your homework before hockey practice from now on, because if you don’t do your homework before hockey practice, you end up staying up really late to finish it and then you’re tired for school the next day. How can we work that out?
Kid: Sounds like you’ve already worked it out.
If you skip the Define-Adult-Concerns step—this is where you’re entering your concerns into consideration—then your concerns won’t get addressed:
Parent: I’ve noticed that you’ve been staying up really late to get your homework done on the days you have hockey practice. What’s up?
Kid: I need a break when I get home from school, so I don’t want to do my homework before hockey practice. So I end up staying up really late to finish it.
Parent: OK.
But as you read in chapter 5, it’s often the case that adults enter a solution rather than a concern in this step, causing Plan B to revert to Plan A. Let’s see what that might sound like:
Parent: I’ve noticed that you’ve been staying up really late to get your homework done on the days you have hockey practice. What’s up?
Kid: I need a break when I get home from school, so I don’t want to do my homework before hockey practice. So I end up staying up really late to finish it.
Parent: So you’re really tired when you get home from school and you don’t want to do your homework before hockey practice.
Kid: Sometimes I’m too tired to do it after hockey practice, so I have to get up really early the next morning to do it. And sometimes I’m too tired in the morning too, so then I try to get it done during my free period.
Parent (entering a solution rather than a concern): Well, I don’t want you staying up that late and I don’t want you getting up that early. So you really need to do the homework before hockey.
Kid: I don’t want to do it before hockey! I’m tired when I get home from school and I need some time to chill!
If you skip the Invitation step, this simply means that you’ve waited two steps before reverting back to Plan A. If you do this, your kid will lose interest in participating in the first two steps of Plan B.
Parent: I’ve noticed that you’ve been staying up really late to get your homework done on the days you have hockey practice. What’s up?
Kid: I need a break when I get home from school, so I don’t want to do my homework before hockey practice. So I end up staying up really late to finish it.
Parent: So you’re really tired when you get home from school and you don’t want to do your homework before hockey practice.
Kid: Sometimes I’m too tired to do it after hockey practice, so I have to get up really early the next morning to do it. And sometimes I’m too tired in the morning too, so then I try to get it done during my free period.
Parent (entering a concern): Well, my concern is that I don’t want you to be tired at school the next day. This is an important year for you, and I want to make sure you’re at your best.
Kid: OK.
Parent (skipping the invitation and heading straight into a unilateral solution): So I’ve decided that you’re not going to hockey practice if the homework isn’t done.
Kid: What?!
Parent (using one of the classic rationales for Plan A): I’m doing this for your own good.
Kid: Well, that’s a dumb idea and I’m not doing it!
Parent: Watch your tone, young man . . .
Question: How will I know when I’m ready to do my first Plan B?
Answer: If you’ve never done Plan B, you may never feel completely ready. But it’s good to get the first one out of the way. Then keep practicing.
Question: My first Plan B was a disaster. What went wrong?
Answer: Trying to partner with your kid on solving a problem is never a disaster. If it didn’t go as well as you hoped, you might want to reread this chapter and chapter 5 to figure out why. But if in the Empathy step you gathered some new information about your child’s concerns on a given unsolved problem, you did well. If you didn’t finish the Empathy step, that’s OK; there’s always tomorrow. You also did well if in the Define-Adult-Concerns step you resisted the temptation to impose solutions and instead were able to identify your own concerns. If you made it to the Invitation and were able to collaborate with your child on a realistic and mutually satisfactory solution, that’s great. Hopefully, the solution you and your child agreed upon will stand the test of time. If it doesn’t, you’ll find out soon enough, and then it’s back to Plan B to figure out why and to come up with a solution that is more realistic or mutually satisfactory than the first one, or one that addresses concerns that may not have been identified in your first try. When you think the time is right, move on to another unsolved problem. Even if your child refused to participate, you probably picked up some brownie points for trying. Maybe she’ll be more receptive next time.
Question: What if the first solution doesn’t work?
Answer: In The Real World, the first solution often doesn’t get the job done. In The Real World, durable solutions come after the ones that didn’t work so well. The important thing is to learn from the ones that didn’t work so well so subsequent solutions are more likely to succeed.
It may be tempting to blame the kid for solutions that don’t work. Remember, the kid isn’t the only one who signed off on the solution.
Question: What if my child and I agree on a solution and then she won’t do what she agreed to? Should I punish her?
Answer: You wouldn’t want to punish her for a solution that you both agreed to. If your kid isn’t following through on a solution that she (and you) agreed to, that’s usually a sign that the solution wasn’t as realistic and mutually satisfactory as it may first have seemed. That’s not a failure, just a reminder that the first solution to a problem often doesn’t get the job done. If one or both of the two parties can’t execute their part of the solution, go back to Plan B to come up with a solution that’s more realistic. If the concerns of one or both parties weren’t satisfactorily addressed by the solution, go back to Plan B to come up with a solution that does address the concerns of both parties. By the way, the original solution can only address the concerns that were actually verbalized in the first two steps, but it wouldn’t address the concerns that weren’t verbalized. Go back to Plan B to see if there were concerns that weren’t verbalized. Punishment isn’t going to increase the likelihood of your child following through on a solution that isn’t realistic and mutually satisfactory, nor is it going to increase the likelihood that your child will participate in Plan B again.
Question: Should I expect 100 percent adherence to a solution? If I’m not getting 100 percent, does that mean it wasn’t realistic or just that the child needs help accomplishing it?
Answer: I’m not sure anyone is 100 percent reliable on solutions. But you are expecting that the problem the solution is addressing will be largely solved. If it’s not, returning to Plan B will help you figure out why and refine the solution.
Question: Do I need to enforce solutions?
Answer: You’re conflating your role in Plan A with your role in Plan B. With Plan B, you and your child are both devoted to the solution and are equally committed to its success in solving a problem, so you’re out of the business of enforcing solutions that you’ve imposed.
Question: I’ve been making my child apologize when she does something wrong. Is this really accomplishing anything?
Answer: Forced apologies probably don’t accomplish much. Plus, you’re probably making your child apologize for her behavior, and you really want to be more focused on collaborating with your child to solve the problems that are causing that behavior. Apologies don’t solve problems.
Question: Would you say the same about having my child make amends for her behavior?
Answer: It’s possible that engaging your kid in a discussion about how to make amends might be productive in helping her think about how her behavior has been hurtful to another person. But as with apologies, making amends won’t solve the problem that caused the hurtful behavior, so solving that problem is still paramount.
Question: In the story at the end of the last chapter, it seemed like the solution required that the child remember to do a lot of new things. What if she has difficulty remembering to do them all the time? Can I remind her sometimes?
Answer: If you think your child can reliably perform solutions you’ve agreed upon but may have difficulty remembering them, incorporating reminders into the solution could make very good sense. If the reminding turns into nagging, then the solution probably wasn’t realistic and would need to be revisited.
Question: It’s hard to decide which Plan to use on the spur of the moment. What am I doing wrong?
Answer: Well, you shouldn’t be making that decision on the spur of the moment most of the time anyway. You should be deciding what problems you’re trying to solve—and what problems you’re not trying to solve just yet—ahead of time. Then you won’t have to be so quick on your feet.
Question: Yes, but is it possible to use Plan B if a problem pops up? What would that sound like?
Answer: On the rare occasions in which that might happen, yes, it’s possible to use Plan B in the heat of the moment. You just don’t want to make a habit of it. Emergency Plan B differs from Proactive Plan B primarily in the timing and the wording of the Empathy step. The Empathy step of Emergency Plan B wouldn’t begin with an introduction (as in Proactive Plan B), because it’s already too late to be proactive. So you’d head straight into reflective listening. Here are a few examples of what that would sound like:
Kid: I’m not going to hockey practice today.
Parent: You’re not going to hockey practice today. What’s up?
Kid: I’m not going to school today. I need a mental health day.
Parent: You’re not going to school today. What’s up?
Kid: I can’t do this homework!
Parent: You can’t do the homework. What’s up?
Then, of course, you’d want to come to the clearest possible understanding of your child’s concern, perspective, or point of view. After that, you’d continue on to the other two steps.
Question: So if I don’t make it through all three steps of Plan B in the first attempt, that’s OK?
Answer: Absolutely. You never know how much information you’re going to gather in the Empathy step, so you never know how long it’s going to take before you move on to the next steps. Solving problems collaboratively is a process, and one with no stopwatch.
Question: I started using Plan B with my daughter, and she talked! In fact, she talked so much that I started becoming overwhelmed with all the information I was getting and all the problems we need to solve. Now what?
Answer: It’s true, sometimes Plan B opens the information floodgates, and you find out there were even more problems to solve than those you identified on your initial list. While that can feel overwhelming, your awareness of all of those additional unsolved problems is a good thing. Your goal is to add the new unsolved problems to your list, perhaps reprioritize, and continue the mission of solving one problem at a time. If you find that your kid is providing an enormous amount of information in the Empathy step, ask your child if it’s OK if you write things down; you don’t want to forget a thing.
Question: It sounds like I should get “Because I said so” out of my vocabulary. Yes?
Answer: That expression certainly isn’t going to help you partner with your child on durable, mutually satisfactory solutions to the problems that are affecting her life.
Question: But I can still set limits?
Answer: Remember, you’re setting limits by having expectations and by being devoted to having your child meet them. If, for example, you expect your child to eat dinner with the family (and not in front of the TV), keep her room reasonably clean, get to bed at a reasonable hour, get home in time for curfew, work hard in school, get to school on time, and not drive under the influence of drugs or alcohol, then you’re setting limits.
But if your child isn’t meeting an expectation, you have an unsolved problem. At that point, “limit setting” and “problem-solving” become synonymous. As you know, if you solve that problem using Plan A, you’re not only solving the problem unilaterally, you’re also slamming the door on understanding and addressing your kid’s concerns, increasing the likelihood of adversarial interactions, pressing ahead with uninformed solutions, and probably not solving the problem durably. When you solve problems using Plan B, you learn about what’s getting in your child’s way, decrease adversarial interactions, work together on solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory, and solve problems durably. You’re setting limits either way. It’s just that one way is a whole lot more effective and conducive to a partnership than the other.
Question: I’ve been having my kid sign contracts—you know, where I specify my expectations and my kid agrees to meet them and gets rewards if she does. Not good?
Answer: It’s a pretty safe bet that your child is already clear about your expectations, so you probably don’t need contracts for that. And if your child is having difficulty meeting certain expectations, it’s a safe bet that something is getting in the way, and a contract and those rewards won’t help you figure that out or resolve it. So you still have information to gather and problems to solve, and contracts won’t help you accomplish those two things.
Question: Isn’t Plan B passive?
Answer: Plan B isn’t passive at all. It’s a very active approach to parenting. Many adults believe that “active” means being harsh and punitive. Now you know better. Some parents also view Plan B as a show of weakness and adult-imposed consequences as a sign of strength. But collaborating with your kid on solving the problems that affect her life isn’t about strength or weakness; it’s about what works.
Question: But does Plan B make it clear to my child that I disapprove of some of her actions?
Answer: Absolutely. You’ll be talking with her about your concerns about the actions of which you disapprove in the Define-Adult-Concerns step. And you’ll be getting your concerns addressed in the Invitation. But it’s also good to remember that her actions (her behaviors) are probably the by-product of specific unsolved problems, and those problems (not her behaviors) are going to be the focal point of Plan B.
Question: If I’m always collaborating with my child, and always reaching a solution that is agreeable to both of us, isn’t there the potential that she’ll learn that she only has to comply with my expectations if she feels like it? In The Real World, she will have to do things that she may not necessarily feel like doing.
Answer: Your child is already meeting expectations that she doesn’t feel like meeting. She may not always feel like doing her homework (but perhaps does it anyway), may not always feel like studying for a test (but perhaps is doing that too), and may not always love what you made for dinner (but may be eating it anyway). You’re collaborating with your child on the expectations she’s having difficulty meeting.
Question: What if she actually says, “Because I don’t feel like it,” when I raise a concern with her?
Answer: Start drilling so as to better understand what she means. Then collaborate on solutions to address her concerns.
Question: So Plan B isn’t just a clever way to get my kid to do what I want?
Answer: That’s right. There’s nothing clever about Plan B. It’s just the hard work of solving problems collaboratively.
Question: I have this feeling my kid is going to see through what I’m trying to do when I’m solving problems collaboratively with her.
Answer: Excellent! Because solving problems collaboratively is a transparent process. Plan B isn’t a technique aimed at tricking your kid into doing things your way. If your kid knows that you’re deeply invested in understanding and clarifying her concern, perspective, or point of view on a given unsolved problem, and she understands your concern or perspective, and you two are working together toward solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory, then there’s nothing to “see through.”
Question: Is Plan B the only means through which I would gather information from my child about her concern, perspective, or point of view on a particular issue?
Answer: You can informally talk with your child and listen to her point of view on lots of different topics besides unsolved problems whenever you like. And presumably you’ve been offering your point of view on many of those topics as well, without imposing your will, insisting that your child adopt your point of view, or being dismissive or judgmental about her point of view.
Question: You don’t think Plan A is a good way to build character and promote grit?
Answer: If you’re referring to a child’s ability to get back up when she gets knocked down (by a problem) in life, I’m not exactly sure how Plan A would help. I’m quite clear about how Plan B would help. Your kid doesn’t need you to be the one knocking her down; life will take care of that. Your kid needs you to help her learn how to get back up. And, as you’ve read, there are some additional characteristics you badly want to foster in your child—empathy, taking into account how one’s behavior is affecting other people, honesty, taking another person’s perspective, and resolving disagreements in ways that do not involve conflict—but Plan A doesn’t foster those characteristics. Plan B does. Again, more on that in chapter 9.
Question: Can you say more about Assumption-Free Living?
Answer: Sure. It’s an effort to notice when you’re making an assumption about your kid and get rid of it—fast. As you’ve read, parents are renowned for being quite sure they know what’s going on with their kid and forming solutions based on those assumptions. Of course, if the assumptions are off base, the solutions those assumptions give rise to will miss the mark as well. When you can forgo those assumptions, you’re free to find out what’s really going on with your kid. The nice thing about Plan B is that it provides you with another option besides assuming: asking.
• • • • •
Denise had arranged an appointment with Hank to continue their very abbreviated discussion. She decided to limit the discussion to his difficulties getting along with his sister (rather than including his difficulties with Nick in the same discussion). She strategically planted Nick and Charlotte in front of the TV set and sat down with Hank at the kitchen table. “I know you don’t want to do this,” Denise began, with Hank looking completely disinterested.
“Then why are you making me?” said Hank.
“Well, I’m not exactly making you. But I don’t like the way people are treating each other around here sometimes and I need your help in making it better.”
Hank rolled his eyes.
“So can we talk a little about the difficulty you’re having getting along with your sister?”
“How come you’re not talking to her about it?”
“I will be talking to her about it,” said Denise. “But I thought I’d get your take on things first.”
“I already told you my take on things. She’s annoying.”
“Yes, I remember that part,” said Denise. “But I didn’t really get much more than that.”
Hank sighed. “She’s always coming into my room without permission. She has her own bedroom and I have to share mine with Igmo,” said Hank, using the disparaging nickname he’d coined for his younger brother. “I’m the oldest. How come the brat gets her own bedroom?”
Denise was tempted to answer Hank’s question for the 127th time but decided to continue drilling for information. “So she’s always coming into your room without permission. And she has her own bedroom and you think you should have your own bedroom because you’re the oldest.”
“Right.”
“Any other reasons you’re having difficulty getting along with her?”
“She always has her stupid TV shows on and she goes nuts if I want to watch something I like. And she knows you’ll take her side if she screams about it.”
“Hank, do you mind if I write some of this stuff down?” asked Denise. “I mean, I think I already knew about most of this stuff, but I don’t want to forget anything.”
“You do know about all this stuff! But you don’t do anything! That’s why there’s no point in talking about it.”
“Well, I have tried to do some things, but what I’ve tried to do hasn’t worked. I haven’t helped you guys solve these problems. I think I didn’t know how. But I want you to give me another chance. You’re not happy with the way things are—that’s pretty clear. And I’m not happy. I don’t think Nick and Charlotte are happy either. So I don’t think there’s much choice but for us to try even harder to solve them.”
“Well, since you haven’t done anything, I have to,” said Hank.
“What do you mean?”
“If they bug me, I bug them back. And I bug them back way worse.”
“Yes, I understand that’s been your strategy. And now I understand how you got to that point. But I don’t think that strategy is working. It just makes everyone bug each other more.”
“Survival of the fittest,” said Hank, using one of his favorite lines.
“I think there’s a better way,” said Denise. “Can we keep talking about how Charlotte is bugging you?”
“We’ve covered it,” said Hank.
“So if we solve these problems, you feel like you could get along better with Charlotte?”
“No promises,” said Hank. “But I don’t think you can solve them anyways.”
“See, that’s the thing. We were all thinking that I’m the one who’s supposed to solve these problems. But that’s just turned me into a referee. And I hate being a referee. Plus, I’m not very good at it. I have to help you guys solve these problems with each other. I can help you solve them, but I can’t do it on my own. I need your help.”
“What about Charlotte?”
“I’m going to need Charlotte’s help too. I’m talking to you about it first. But let me make sure I have my list straight. She comes into your room without asking. That’s one problem that we need to solve. And you think you should have your own bedroom since you’re the oldest. That’s another. And she’s always watching her shows on TV so you don’t get to watch the shows you like. Do I have it?”
“Yup,” grumbled Hank.
“Which one should we solve first?”
“None. This is pointless.”
“Yeah, maybe, but which one do you want to start working on first?”
“The TV.”
“So tell me a little more about that one,” said Denise, returning to the Empathy step for that specific unsolved problem.
“She has, like, unlimited TV. And she watches really dumb shows that I don’t want to watch. And she knows you’ll take her side, so I almost never get to watch the shows I want unless she’s, like, in bed or at a friend’s house or something.”
“Got it. So your concern is that you almost never get to watch the shows you want because Charlotte has a monopoly on the TV set and I always take her side.”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to hear my concern?”
“If I have to.”
“My concern is that you kind of bully her when you want to watch something on TV.”
“I wouldn’t if you’d stop taking her side!”
“Let me finish, please. I know that’s your view. I can’t let you bully your younger sister. You’re bigger than her, sometimes you hurt her, and it’s just not fair for you to throw your weight around like that. It makes her feel bad. Do you understand?”
“Whatever.”
“So what we’re going to try to do is come up with a solution that addresses my concern—I can’t let you treat your sister in ways that make her feel bad—and your concern, which is that you want to be able to watch shows you like on TV.”
“So what’s the solution?” asked Hank.
“I have no idea,” said Denise. “I need to talk to Charlotte next to find out what her concerns are. Then we’re going to get together—me, you, and her—and we’re going to come up with a solution that works for all of us. Not me . . . we.”
“We done?”
“We’re done for now.”
You can use Plan B to solve problems between two kids and not just between a kid and an adult? Yes, you can. But as you just read, it might look a little like “shuttle diplomacy” in the beginning, as it may be best to gather the concerns of both kids before putting them together to solve the problem. It’s good, also, to take yourself out of the role of referee; it’s better for the kids to realize that you’re the Problem-Solving Facilitator, not the solution machine.
• • • • •
Dan was awakened in the middle of the night by the sense that Kristin was no longer in the bed with him. He reached over for confirmation. Kristin was definitely not in the bed. As he tried to get his bearings, he thought he noticed Kristin pacing in the dark.
“Kristin?”
“Yeah.”
“What are you doing?”
“Pacing.”
Dan propped himself up on a pillow. “Why are you pacing?”
“Can’t sleep.”
“Because of Taylor?” This was a safe bet, as Taylor was Kristin’s foremost preoccupation.
“Yes, Taylor,” Kristin confirmed.
“Come back to bed. You can’t let her eat you up like this.”
“Well, I can’t help it.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Everything.”
“What’s everything?”
“It doesn’t help to talk about it.”
“Come on—tell me,” Dan prodded, patting the bed so Kristin would sit down.
“She doesn’t get enough sleep. I know she hasn’t started her term paper in literature yet. She’s not studying enough for the SATs. I don’t know where she is half the time. I want her to get into a good college. I want her to be happy. I want to get along with her.” Kristin dolefully sat down on the bed.
“I know.”
“Did you think about David and Julie this much?” Kristin asked, referring to Dan’s kids from his first marriage.
Dan tried to choose his words carefully, despite being half-asleep. “Um, sometimes. But not really as much as you think about Taylor.”
“So what’s the matter with me?”
“You care about her a lot. But I think there’s such a thing as caring too much. You can’t care about her so much that you drive yourself crazy. She’s OK. She’s just spreading her wings a little. Kinda what she’s supposed to be doing at this age.”
“I know it’s what she’s supposed to be doing. I just think she started doing it a lot earlier than most kids. It’s hard for me. I’m a control freak.”
“You do like things to be ‘just so,’ ” Dan said. “It’s just that Taylor isn’t a ‘just so’ kid. She’s Taylor. And Taylor is going to be Taylor.”
“Yeah, well, that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t answer her cell phone when I call.”
“I think we need to try approaching her differently about that,” said Dan, strategically using the word we instead of you to see if that might make it easier to hear. It didn’t work.
“You mean me, right?” was Kristin’s response. “She loves you. You never say no.”
“I actually meant we,” said Dan. “It would be good if we were on the same page.”
“Well, you won’t get on my page, so we should be clear about whose page we’re talking about.”
“Is this something we can talk about without it turning into a fight?” Dan asked.
“Fine, let’s do it your way. Let’s let her walk all over me.”
“I don’t think you should let her walk all over you. It only feels like she walks all over you because you draw a line in the sand that you can’t possibly uphold. In my business, that’s called saber rattling. And any good attorney is going to call my bluff. I don’t think you should take all-or-nothing stands with her. It just makes her take all-or-nothing stands with you.”
“I don’t know what to do instead.”
Dan pondered this. “A long time ago, we had some difficulties with Julie,” he said, referring to his older daughter. “We saw a therapist a few times. And she taught us how to solve problems with her in a way that didn’t cause conflict.”
“Good luck getting Taylor to go to a therapist!” Kristin scoffed. “And do you know how many parenting books I’ve read?”
“I’m not saying we need to go to a therapist. I just think I learned some things in dealing with Julie that could be helpful with Taylor. Come to think of it, I’m probably still applying to Taylor what I learned with Julie without even realizing it.”
Kristin wasn’t buying it. “I’m not going to have her walk all over me.”
“It’s not about letting her walk all over you. It’s about how parents talk to kids. And how we listen to them. And solve problems together.”
Kristin seemed to be tiring of the conversation. “I’m tired of hearing about everything I’m doing wrong with Taylor and everything you did right with Julie and that Taylor’s problems are all my fault.”
Kristin climbed back into bed. Dan was glad to see that the dead-of-night conversation seemed to be ending. But he couldn’t resist replying. “Taylor’s problems aren’t all your fault. And they’re our problems, not her problems. I think we need to start working on them together.”
Of course we worry about our kids. They’re our kids. And of course different parents are more stressed by unsolved problems than others. If you’re thinking we should consider those realities a bit further, you need only turn the page.