In this chapter, we’re going to take a look at some of the expectations kids may have difficulty meeting at various points in development and the significant differences between unilateral (Plan A) and collaborative (Plan B) responses to these incompatibilities. And just in case you’re wondering when a professional opinion should be sought, we’ll cover that too. This isn’t an exhaustive overview, just a sampling for illustrative purposes.
• • • • •
Feeding, sleeping, self-soothing, and development of early social skills are of course among the most crucial expectations placed on infants. A baby communicates much about her evolving skills, preferences, and personality traits in her reaction to and ability to meet these expectations. And parents communicate much to their infant in the manner they respond if she’s having difficulty meeting these expectations.
There are many infants who meet these expectations without great difficulty. And most parents tend to be fairly flexible and are willing to adapt to a baby’s preferences on expectations like feeding. However, many parents are far less flexible when it comes to sleeping. Let’s say, for example, parents have the expectation that their infant will sleep in a crib in her own room. If the infant is having no difficulty meeting that expectation, then no Plan is needed. But if the infant is having difficulty meeting that expectation, then the parents have three familiar options.
If the parents choose to set aside the expectation, at least for now (Plan C), they would perhaps allow the infant to sleep in their bed. But if the parents don’t want to set the expectation aside, then they’ll have to grapple with the unilateral versus collaborative dichotomy for solving the problem. One possible, and very popular, unilateral solution would be to have the infant cry until she falls asleep in the crib. Hard as it is to listen to one’s child sobbing and screaming behind a closed door, most infants eventually get the message—“You’re sleeping in a crib in your own room whether you like it or not”—and start sleeping without great protest in the crib in their own room. But it’s worth thinking about what other messages you may also be sending:
Our desire for intimacy and sleep trumps whatever concerns you have about sleeping in a crib in your own room.
Our desire for you to be safe—our pediatrician recommended against having you in the bed with us—trumps whatever concerns you have about sleeping in a crib in your own room.
We are not addressing your concerns on this problem.
And Plan B? Because infants can’t yet use words to communicate their concerns, parents must try to guess well. As you’ve read, trying to figure out what’s troubling your infant—on this or any other unsolved problem—is where parents demonstrate empathy and responsiveness. Your efforts to be responsive—by applying solutions that address her perceived concerns—are an early form of collaboration. While your infant won’t be able to collaborate directly with you on solutions, she will be positively delighted to give you feedback on whether you guessed correctly and whether your intervention is addressing her concerns.
So let’s say parents have guessed, or even already observed, that movement—being rocked or being driven in the car—seems to help their baby fall asleep. And let’s say that, once asleep, the infant is able to transfer well from the car or from being rocked to the crib. If the solution is to rock the infant or drive her in the car until she falls asleep, and that solution is working well, then your early attempt at Plan B was successful. If not, it’s back to the Plan B drawing board. Perhaps the infant is more comfortable and better able to fall asleep if she’s close to the parents at night. Another solution, corresponding to this concern, is to place the crib in the parents’ bedroom, at least until they decide that they have concerns about that scenario.
What message are you sending when you approach things in this manner?
We hear you. We understand (at least, we’re trying to).
We are eager to figure out what’s troubling you and eager to try to address your concerns.
We want our concerns to be addressed as well.
These are good messages to be sending. You and your child are going to be on this journey together for a very long time. Good to start partnering and collaborating from the get-go.
Feeding, sleeping, and self-soothing are certainly expectations to take seriously, and if your infant is having difficulty meeting those expectations and your guesses and solutions aren’t panning out, there are a variety of professionals—pediatricians, family physicians, lactation specialists, and so forth—who have experience with infants, their potential concerns, and possible solutions (preferably the mutually satisfactory variety) for addressing those concerns. You’ll also want to seek out consultation if you have concerns about whether your infant’s early socialization skills—responding to social stimuli, facial expressions of emotion, and caregiver attempts to soothe—are developing as expected. Your pediatrician or family physician should ask about these expectations routinely during well-child visits, but you shouldn’t wait for well-child visits if you have concerns beforehand.
• • • • •
Expectations expand dramatically as kids move into the toddler years, especially in the realms of communication and locomotion. There’s significant variability across kids in the development of communication and locomotion skills, and it’s definitely worth seeking guidance from a pediatrician, family physician, speech and language therapist, or occupational therapist if you have concerns about how your child is progressing. As your child develops the capacity to speak, life can become more challenging in some ways, but this emerging skill can also make it easier to collaborate on solutions. It may be increasingly possible to use Plan B on difficulties that were handled earlier with Plan C.
For example, if a child’s parents used Plan C on the expectation of sleeping independently during infancy, they may decide during the toddler years that it’s time to raise the bar a little—and improve their own odds of getting more sleep—in which case they’d begin expecting more of their concerns about the sleeping arrangements to be addressed as well. It’s also during the toddler years that kids begin recognizing distress in others, and this is an early sign of the skill of empathy. The manner in which you respond to distress in your toddler provides an early template to guide her in responding to distress in others.
Among the expectations that cause the greatest angst in parents, and problems in their toddlers, is potty training. As with every other aspect of development, there’s significant variability in how individual kids respond to and handle this expectation, and again, we’re not going to be especially concerned with how well or poorly someone else’s kid is doing in comparison to yours. Many of your fellow parents won’t hesitate to tell you the incredible progress their kid is making in a particular realm but may be somewhat less candid about the expectations regarding which their child isn’t so stellar.
As with every other aspect of development, your child’s response to the potty-training expectation provides you with information about her evolving profile of skills, preferences, and personality traits. Some kids can’t wait to get the ball rolling on potty training, perhaps because they’ve seen an older sibling or a same-aged peer who’s meeting the expectation. Some have no interest whatsoever. If you’re hell-bent on being done with potty training, you’ll miss a lot of information; and if your kid’s timeline isn’t compatible with yours, you’ll also cause a lot of conflict.
But what if, for example, a child won’t be admitted into a desired day-care program unless she’s potty trained? With Plan C, the parents would be setting aside the expectation, at least for now—perhaps it’s an expectation they don’t think their child is ready for yet or they’re not interested in pushing the envelope on it. If so, perhaps they would enroll their child in a different day care, one that is more flexible on potty training.
But if the parents choose not to set aside the expectation, then they are faced, once again, with the unilateral-versus-collaborative dichotomy on solving the problem. Plan A would have the parents forcing the issue, perhaps by demanding that the child sit on the toilet until she does her thing. As with most expectations, I’ve seen far more harm done by pushing the envelope on potty training than by letting a kid’s readiness be the primary guide to timing. Indeed, if their child isn’t as enthusiastic about moving things along as her envelope-pushing parents, potty training represents a prime opportunity for power struggles. What messages are we sending when we proceed in this manner?
Our desire for you to attend this preschool trumps whatever concerns you have about commencing potty training.
Our desire to stop dealing with diapers and cleaning you up trumps whatever concerns you have about commencing potty training.
We are not addressing your concerns on this problem.
And Plan B? The Empathy step is, as always, the place to start. If the child is now using words to communicate, then guessing well will be replaced by dialogue. If not, then you’re still in the guessing business for now. Here’s an example of what the dialogue might sound like:
Parent: Emily, do you want to try sitting on the little potty for a few minutes? Just to see what it’s like?
Emily: No!
No? Let’s digress here for a moment to talk about your child’s use of the word no, which tends to be a pretty popular word amongst toddlers. But then, no is a pretty popular word for their parents as well. However, there’s no reason to let no be the impetus for power struggles. It’s better to figure out what your child’s no means, which would not be accomplished by saying, “Not no, yes!” It could mean, “I’m just saying what you often say to me.” It could also mean, “I don’t feel the same sense of urgency on that expectation as you do.” And it could mean, “I’m in the middle of something right now,” or, “I haven’t really given that expectation much thought yet.” And it could just be “reflexive negativity,” in which the child is saying no to just about any new idea. It almost certainly doesn’t mean, “I don’t feel the need to comply with any of your expectations,” or, “I’m challenging your authority.”
Back to potty training.
Parent: I’ve noticed that you like watching Mommy when she’s sitting on the big potty. How come you don’t want to sit on the little potty?
Emily: I don’t want to.
Parent: You don’t have to. I was just wondering why you don’t want to.
Emily: It’s scary.
Parent: I see; it’s scary. What’s scary about it?
Emily: It’s scary.
Parent: Yes, I heard you say that. Can you tell me what’s scary about it?
Emily: I could fall in.
Parent: Ah, you’re worried that you might fall in. That’s very good for me to know. Is there anything else that’s scary about sitting on the little potty?
Emily: No.
Emily: Just that.
Parent: Just the falling-in part?
Emily: And I don’t want to get pee-pee or poopy on me.
Parent: Ah, you don’t want to get pee-pee or poopy on you. And that could happen if you make a pee-pee or poopy on the little potty?
Emily: Uh-huh.
Parent: This is very good for me to know. Does the pee-pee and poopy get on you when you’re wearing a diaper?
Emily: Yes.
Parent: It doesn’t bother you when you’re wearing a diaper?
Emily: No.
Parent: But it would bother you if you were sitting on the little potty?
Emily: Yes.
Parent: OK. Is there anything else I should know about you not wanting to sit on the little potty?
Emily: No.
Parent: OK. Well, I was just noticing that you’ve been talking about wanting to wear big-girl underwear, and if you’re wearing big-girl underwear, you’d need to make pee-pee and poopy in the potty.
Emily: I don’t want to wear big-girl underwear now.
Parent: Ah, OK. Well, you don’t have to wear big-girl underwear. I just brought it up because you’ve been talking about it. But maybe there’s a way to make sure you don’t fall into the potty and some way to make sure the pee-pee or poopy doesn’t get on you so that you could wear big-girl underwear even more.
Emily: You could hold me.
Parent: I could hold on to you while you sit on the little potty?
Emily: And I could sit on the potty and not make pee-pee or poopy.
Parent: Yes, you could do that. I think that’s a very good idea. So you would just sit on the potty but not make pee-pee or poopy?
Emily: Yes.
Parent: When should we try it?
Emily: After dinner. Because that’s before my bath.
Parent: That sounds like a good time.
Emily: Yes.
Parent: OK. Let’s try it then.
Emily: But only a little.
Parent: OK. We’ll stop whenever you say you’re done.
Are the mom and Emily all the way to getting that expectation met? Not yet. Is that OK? Yes—progress in solving most problems is incremental. Most expectations aren’t met in one fell swoop. Do you have to do Plan B formally to accomplish the mission? Not necessarily. But Plan B does tend to structure things so that you don’t forget any of the ingredients.
Wait, really? Plan B with a three-year-old?
Yes, really.
Three-year-olds have concerns?
Of course they do. Remember, even infants have concerns.
And three-year-olds can verbalize their concerns?
If they can’t, there are a variety of strategies to help you gather information without need of words. Concerns can be depicted in pictures, and Google Images is very helpful in this regard. Just enter a word for a concern and you’ll have many pictures to choose from. You can create a laminated card with various concerns depicted in pictures so a child can point at a picture to communicate her concerns. The same approach can be used for creating a “menu” of solutions. While chronological age may seem to be the crucial factor when it comes to participating in Plan B using words, I’ve worked with three-year-olds who had an easier time participating verbally than some seventeen-year-olds. (You’ll find some sample pictures in the Resources section on the website of my nonprofit, Lives in the Balance: www.livesinthebalance.org.)
Some kids are just reluctant to talk. While it’s sometimes productive to see if a kid will talk about that, there’s another strategy that can be useful with reluctant talkers. Teach the kid to rate the accuracy of statements you make using their fingers: five fingers equals “very true,” four equals “pretty true,” three equals “sort of true,” two equals “not very true,” and one equals “not true at all.” Then start guessing your child’s concerns about a particular unsolved problem and see how they rate. Maybe you’ll strike gold with one of them. Maybe your child will become frustrated with your lack of insight and start talking!
If Plan B doesn’t successfully resolve your child’s difficulties with potty training, you’ll want to seek out guidance from professionals who have expertise in this realm, though you’ll want to be careful of the ones who are fond of Plan A as the recommended approach to solving this problem. The ages at which you should become concerned about difficulties meeting this expectation vary by culture; in some cultures, potty training occurs much earlier in development than it does, for example, in North America. In the United States, many five- and six-year-old children are still wetting the bed at least twice a week, usually because they’re having difficulty waking up in response to the body signals that say, “Wake up now . . . before it’s too late!” But if your child is still wetting the bed at these ages (and certainly beyond), calling it to the attention of your pediatrician or family physician would make good sense. And if your child is still having difficulty moving her bowels in a toilet at these ages—this is often due, believe it or not, to constipation or other medical problems—that’s something to talk to a doctor about as well. You definitely don’t want these problems to be a source of conflict between you and your child; conflict won’t help you figure out what’s making the expectations hard for your child to meet and won’t help you and your child solve the problem together.
• • • • •
Five-year-olds often have very particular ideas about what they prefer wearing and eating, what they prefer doing for fun, what they feel comfortable doing independently, how they respond to adversity, and how comfortable they are being away from their parents. In other words, by this age kids are providing some very clear signals about their skills, preferences, beliefs, values, personality traits, goals, and direction.
Among the expectations that cause the greatest difficulty at this age is separating from one’s parents, typically for purposes of going to school. Once again, there’s tremendous variability across kids on this expectation. Some kids venture off and never look back. Often the parents of these kids, while relieved at the ease of separating, also feel the pang that comes with the recognition that the child is fine without them. Other kids are absolutely paralyzed by the prospect of being left with perfect strangers, no matter how enthusiastic adults are about the prospect.
Your child has probably given you some advance warning of how she’ll respond to this expectation, because there were probably demands for separating long before the first day of kindergarten, such as for day care or preschool and being left with babysitters or grandparents. Whether or not your child has exhibited hesitation or difficulty separating in the past, there’s much to be said for some advance preparation: talking about the first day of kindergarten long before the day comes, and figuring out your child’s thoughts on the matter, perhaps by having dolls or other pretend characters role-playing it. Visiting the kindergarten before the first day can be helpful, too, so you and your child can get to know those perfect strangers a little. Still, some kids will surprise you: you’re certain that your advance preparation has greased the skids, and they cling to your leg anyway.
Historically, and regrettably, this unsolved problem has often been handled using Plan A: leave the kid with the strangers, and if she freaks out, well, the strangers seem to know what they’re doing; and anyway, they won’t be strangers forever. While some kids learn to manage when this solution is applied, it’s worth pondering whether the mission could have been accomplished another way—and whether the messages to your child are the ones you intended:
Life is full of things we don’t want to do; you’ll be fine.
My desire not to be late to work trumps whatever misgivings you may have about being left with strangers.
I am not addressing your concerns on this problem.
An alternative response would be Plan C. Maybe the kindergarten teachers will let the parent hang out in the classroom for a few weeks, in which case the demand for separation has been set aside, at least for now, perhaps as a first step toward more incremental progress on the expectation. While this may draw some glances from other parents, hold steady; you know your kid better than they do. It may be embarrassing to have your kid lagging behind a little on the separation expectation, but your knowledge of developmental variability has you well equipped to keep things in perspective. And while you’re delighted that the other kids aren’t having difficulty separating, you’re focused on your kid right now. Of course, it won’t be possible to do Plan C forever; you do have concerns about the feasibility of hanging out in the kindergarten classroom the entire year. So at some point, you’ll probably need to move over to Plan B:
Parent: I’ve noticed that it’s hard for you to stay at kindergarten without me. What’s up?
Rachelle: I don’t know.
Parent: Well, let’s think about it. Because I know it’s very hard for you.
Rachelle: Why do I have to go to kindergarten?
Parent: You’re getting to be a big girl. And it’s good for you to hang out with other kids and learn new things. Plus, there are parts of it that you really like.
Rachelle: I don’t want to be a big girl. I want to stay with you.
Parent: I know. I like being with you too. But let’s talk about what’s hard about staying at kindergarten without me.
Rachelle: I’ll miss you.
Parent: Ah, you’ll miss me. What do you think about when you think about missing me?
Rachelle: I don’t know. I think of your face.
Parent: My face?
Rachelle: Yes.
Parent: So you picture my face? What do you think when you picture my face?
Rachelle: You’re my mommy and I want to be with you.
Parent: Anything else?
Rachelle: No.
Parent: Sure?
Rachelle: Um . . .
Parent: Take your time.
Rachelle: It’s just a feeling.
Parent: A feeling? What feeling?
Rachelle: I don’t know. I don’t know how to say it. It’s just a feeling.
Parent: A sad feeling? A worried feeling?
Rachelle: Just a feeling.
Parent: I think I know what you mean. Well, here’s the thing. I’m not going to be allowed to stay with you at kindergarten forever. Plus, Mommy has lots of things she needs to get done during the day, and I can’t do them if I’m at kindergarten with you.
Rachelle: You could do them after kindergarten. I could do them with you.
Parent: Oh, don’t worry—there will still be lots of things for us to do together after I pick you up at kindergarten. But I need to do some things while you’re at kindergarten. So I’m wondering if there’s something we could do about you missing me so I won’t be staying at kindergarten the whole time and I can get all the things done that I need to get done. Do you have any ideas?
Rachelle: No.
Parent: Well, let’s think about it.
Rachelle: I don’t want to stay at kindergarten without you.
Parent: I know. But I wonder if there’s some way for you to miss me but not have it bother you so much.
Rachelle: Could you stay in my room for a little while and then sit in the library? Then I could know you’re there, even if I can’t see you.
Parent: Hmm. That’s an interesting idea. So I’d stay with you for a little while and then go sit in the library? And then you’d get used to me not being right there?
Rachelle: Yes.
Parent: Well, we could try that. I think that’s a good next step.
Is this problem totally solved? Not yet. Are they on their way? Yes. What would be the next incremental step? That’s for the parent and child to discuss. What if the mom can’t stay in the library? What if she really has to get to work? Then that solution wouldn’t be realistic and mutually satisfactory and they’d need to collaborate on a different solution.
What are you communicating to your child when you approach problems in this way?
I hear you. I understand. I’m reliable. I care about you and your concerns.
I’m not going to leave you in the problem-solving wilderness if you can’t meet this expectation on your own.
I’m your partner.
I am eager to figure out what’s troubling you and eager to try to address your concerns.
I want my concerns to be addressed as well.
If your child’s separation difficulties aren’t resolved through use of Plan B, you’ll probably want to seek out the guidance of a mental health professional with experience in helping with that expectation. You don’t need a diagnosis—just some help from someone who’s dealt with it before and may have a broad repertoire of solutions.
• • • • •
The world isn’t going to cut your kid any slack during the elementary years. In fact, the social, behavioral, academic, and athletic pressures are going become a lot more intense. And lots of the folks placing demands on your kid are going to be relying on Plan A to “help” your kid when she runs into difficulty.
Of course, these can be very fun years. Kids often really like hanging out with their parents at this age. But, if it hasn’t happened already, these are also the years in which your child is likely to be a little less receptive to receiving assistance on solving the problems that affect her life. This is a good sign; it shows that she’s moving toward greater independence. Of course, this declining receptivity to assistance could also be a sign that your child has come to expect Plan A from many adults and is becoming increasingly leery of that approach and is beginning to respond in kind.
Let’s focus our discussion on academic challenges first. Let’s say your child is having difficulty memorizing her multiplication tables. If you set aside the expectation for learning multiplication tables for now—perhaps because your child has other academic difficulties that are of higher priority—then you’re using Plan C. Or if she thinks she can handle it on her own and you choose to roll with that for now, that’s Plan C too. Just keep watching closely and check in with her periodically to see how she’s doing. If she solves the problem on her own, that’s outstanding; it’ll boost her self-efficacy—her belief in her ability to complete tasks and reach goals—in solving future problems. But if things still aren’t going so well, you’re going to need a Plan, and once again, you’ll have to decide between collaborative and unilateral options.
Your child’s teacher probably has some ideas for how to help her memorize her multiplication tables. Let’s say the teacher strongly recommends the use of flash cards for solving that problem. If you impose flash cards on your child as the solution, you’re using Plan A. And Plan B? You know the routine:
Parent: I’ve noticed that you’ve been having difficulty learning your multiplication tables. What’s up?
Jordan: Lots of kids aren’t good at that yet.
Parent: That’s good to know. But I’m more concerned about you.
Jordan: Well, it’s not like I’m not trying.
Parent: No, I know you’re trying. I’ve just noticed that you’re still having difficulty with it, and I was wondering if you could tell me about it.
Jordan: I’m not that good at memorizing stuff.
Parent: OK. I wasn’t too good at that either.
Jordan: You weren’t?
Parent: Nope. I used to have to memorize these really long passages when I took Spanish, and then recite them in front of the whole class, and it was really hard for me. So I can understand how it might be hard to memorize the multiplication tables.
Jordan: Did you have trouble memorizing multiplication tables too?
Parent: Not that I recall. But Grandma used to practice them with me in the car, so maybe that’s why.
Jordan: Grandma practiced them with you in the car?
Parent: Yep. We’d be driving along and didn’t have much to do except listen to Grandma’s music, which I didn’t like that much, so she’d do the multiplication tables with me.
Jordan: Did you like it?
Parent: Yeah. It made it kinda fun.
Parent: Yeah, well, maybe that’s because you’re having trouble with your multiplication tables.
Jordan: Mr. Jarrett wants me to use flash cards to learn them.
Parent: You don’t like that idea?
Jordan: No. It’s not helping.
Parent: Well, I think Mr. Jarrett feels it’s really important for you to learn them. I do too. It makes the math that’s coming up a lot easier.
Jordan: Yeah, that’s what he said.
Parent: But that doesn’t mean flash cards are the best solution.
Jordan: Right.
Parent: So, I wonder if there’s any way for us to help you with memorizing the multiplication tables—besides using the flash cards—so that the math that’s coming up won’t be hard for you. Do you have any ideas?
Jordan: Could we do what Grandma did?
Parent: You mean practice in the car?
Jordan: Yeah.
Parent: We could do that. Do you think it would help?
Jordan: We could try it. But not when my friends are in the car.
Parent: OK.
If your child’s difficulties with academic tasks aren’t solved through the use of Plan B, you’ll want to talk about it with school staff and may also want to seek the guidance of a mental health professional or neuropsychologist to see if an evaluation might provide some useful information about your child’s difficulties and to broaden the consideration of potential solutions. Again, you’re looking for more than a diagnosis, though you may need a diagnosis if that’s something the school requires to provide your child with extra help. What you’re looking for is an understanding of your child’s profile of skills and a sense of the factors that are interfering with her progress on certain academic tasks. Because some school staff still favor “poor motivation” and “lack of effort” to explain academic difficulties, you’ll want to remember some of our key themes—especially kids do well if they can and doing well is preferable—so that you’re well positioned to question motivational explanations for your child’s difficulties.
Of course, academics aren’t the only thing going on at school. The school classroom also has many behavioral expectations, including sitting still and paying attention for long periods of time, listening to instructions, working and playing well with others, seamlessly moving from one activity to another, and so forth. If your child is having difficulty meeting those expectations, life is going to get interesting. Some educators are much more empathic about individual differences in learning than they are about individual differences in behavior, even though both realms involve skills. And while you may feel pressured to accept the standard clichés that are frequently applied to children with behavioral challenges—attention seeking, manipulative, unmotivated, limit testing, and so forth—your challenge is to question the conventional wisdom on behavior as well as gently insist that your child’s difficulties be viewed through more accurate, compassionate, productive lenses. It’s worth pointing out here that 70 to 80 percent of behavior problems at school can be traced back to specific academic tasks a student is having difficulty completing. So it generally doesn’t make sense to try to separate behavior from academics; they often go hand in glove.
So it’s important to determine the specific conditions in which your child’s behavioral challenges at school are occurring—for example, during math or circle time or recess or on the school bus. The behavior will help pinpoint expectations specific to those contexts that she’s having difficulty meeting. For example, if your child is inattentive, having difficulty getting work done, and talking with her classmates primarily during tasks involving a lot of writing, then the tasks involving the writing would be the unsolved problems, not the behaviors that are the by-product of those problems. If intervention is focused on the behaviors, the problems will never be identified, understood, and solved. Again, the behaviors are downstream; the problems causing those behaviors are upstream. You want to be focused on what’s going on upstream.
As always, Plan A would involve imposing a unilateral solution on those problems—for example, making the child stay in from recess to practice writing. Plan C would involve setting it aside, adapting or modifying it, or seeing if the child can resolve the incompatibility on her own. And Plan B? Here’s what the discussion might sound like between a teacher and a student. Yes, this is a book for parents, but there’s absolutely no reason to limit Plan B to parent-child problem-solving. It’s good to get teachers in on the action as well; after all, they’re in one of the helping professions too:
Teacher: I’ve noticed that you’ve been having difficulty listening to instructions during science lab. What’s up?
Caryn: I don’t know.
Teacher: Well, let’s think about it a minute. Because I’m noticing that it mostly happens during science lab, not during other activities.
Caryn: You let us talk more during other activities.
Teacher: Tell me more.
Caryn: During other activities, you don’t mind us talking to each other or joking around. Then you get all mad at us when we talk during science lab.
Teacher: Ah, I see. I guess it’s true; I’m a little more relaxed during other activities.
Caryn: Yeah, so then if people talk or mess around during science lab, you get all mad and put us out in the hall.
Teacher: Yes, I do. So is that mostly it? That’s why you’re having trouble listening to instructions during science lab? Because I let you talk and joke around more during other activities?
Caryn: Well, I guess it’s hard for me to stop talking and joking.
Teacher: I think I understand. Any thoughts on what’s hard about that?
Caryn: I don’t know. I guess I’m just sociable.
Teacher: Yes, you are very sociable. That’s one of the things I like about you.
Caryn: You don’t like it during science lab.
Teacher: No, not during science lab. See, my concern is that you guys are working with chemicals during science lab, and the chemicals could hurt people or explode, so I need to run a much tighter ship during science lab. So I guess I can’t be so relaxed when the chemicals are out, because I don’t want people to get hurt. Does that make sense?
Caryn: Yes.
Teacher: So, I wonder if there’s something we could do about the socializing during science lab—especially when we’re working with chemicals—so that I can make sure no one gets hurt.
Caryn: It’s not like I’m the only one talking and joking around.
Teacher: No, I totally agree with that. I’ll be talking with some of your classmates about this too.
Caryn: I didn’t know that’s why you were stricter during science lab. I don’t think it’ll be hard for me to be more serious now that I know. And I could help make sure other kids are more serious too.
Teacher: Oh, that would be great. What should I do if I see that you’re still having some trouble with this?
Caryn: You could just remind me. But don’t send me out of the room.
Teacher: Well, I’ve been reminding you and it hasn’t been working very well. That’s why I’ve been sending you out of the room.
Caryn: Yeah, but now I understand what’s going on. I think reminding me will work. But I don’t think you’re going to need to remind me very often.
Are there really educators who use Plan B? Yes, lots. But regrettably, not enough—not yet anyway. For some, it’s because they still have an old-school mentality related to behavior and discipline. But for many, it’s because their job performance is now being judged on how well their students perform on high-stakes tests. While standards are a wonderful thing, the obsession with test performance has made many teachers feel like technicians—test-prep robots—rather than people playing a crucial role in preparing a kid for the many different demands and expectations of The Real World. As you’ve read, among the most prominent of these demands are perspective taking, empathy, problem-solving, and collaboration, and these skills are not taught through high-stakes tests. It’s hard for teachers to maintain perspective on the crucial role they play in children’s lives, because their current job description is pushing them in a different direction. While you’ll want to be empathic toward the teachers, you also want to make sure they’re empathic toward your child. Don’t forget, by the manner in which we solve problems with kids, we adults are laying down a template for how kids will solve problems with us and others both now and in the future.
If a child’s behavior problems are more chronic, they cut across multiple situations, and Plan B hasn’t made things better, it makes good sense to consult with a mental health professional to see if he or she can shed some light on things and expand solution repertoires. On some behavior problems, medication will likely be mentioned as an option, especially for hyperactivity, poor impulse control, inattention, irritability, anxiety, obsessions, and explosiveness. Medication can address some of these issues and make it more possible for a child to meet the demands of the environment, but look before you leap. It’s important to bear in mind that the behaviors people are concerned about are influenced not only by characteristics of your child but also by characteristics of the environment. There may be environmental modifications that would address the behavior problems before medication is tried. And there may be environmental modifications that are necessary even after medication is on board.
It’s not that medication should be avoided at all costs; sometimes it’s helpful. But you do want to avoid viewing the child as “the problem” and as the one who needs to be “fixed.” And especially in the United States, some mental health professionals are a little too quick on the medication trigger.
• • • • •
The demands and expectations placed upon your child in elementary school are significant, but in middle school the academic and social demands increase exponentially. Peer relationships become even more intense, and the peers themselves become capable of both increased compassion and cruelty. Your child is entering puberty—though sometimes faster or slower than same-aged peers—which isn’t the traumatic life event it’s often made out to be but certainly heightens her awareness of other aspects of life about which she may not have cared much previously. At school, your child now has multiple teachers rather than just the one or two of elementary school, and those teachers often teach hundreds of students in one day rather than just twenty to thirty. Plus, some of those teachers have a “sink or swim” mentality when it comes to middle school and think it’s their responsibility to yank your child out of the “womb” of elementary school and into the harsh world of secondary education. (Thankfully, many educators recognize middle school as probably the toughest time of kids’ development and play a more compassionate, helpful role.) To all of this, add that your child may become less communicative and less receptive to your efforts to help her navigate life. That kid who used to tell you practically everything is now less forthcoming. That kid who once loved hanging out with you may now be embarrassed to be seen in public with you.
All of these factors can increase tension between parents and kids. And let’s add the fact that your child is now much more actively sorting through, making sense out of, and trying hard to get comfortable with her skills, preferences, beliefs, values, personality traits, goals, and direction and sometimes looking a little out of joint in the process (though trying very hard not to). The sorting-through process can result in preferences, beliefs, and values about food choices, clothing, hairstyles, body piercings, and points of view on a variety of issues that may not be compatible with your values, experiences, and wisdom.
To paraphrase Thomas Paine, these are the times that try parents’ souls . . . and often cause them to shoot for control rather than influence. So we’re not done with the collaborative-versus-unilateral dichotomy yet. These are also the times when the helper part of being a partner becomes especially important, particularly as it relates to having thick skin and not taking things personally. If you’ve already been having Plan B discussions with your child prior to middle school, they are going to serve you well—they’ve helped you build a foundation for communicating and problem-solving—but they don’t guarantee that your child will be supremely enthusiastic about participating in Plan B discussions moving forward. What if you haven’t started using Plan B yet? There’s no time like the present.
Many kids handle the new demands and expectations of early adolescence without tremendous difficulty, though they all take their lumps. But let’s say you’ve become aware that your child is being mistreated by some of her peers. In the United States, we’ve poured much time and money into helping kids treat each other kindly and as members of a community (regrettably, those efforts tend to be far more intensive in elementary school than they are afterward), and most states have mandated that schools enact anti-bullying policies. Unfortunately, in many places, these policies have a strong Plan A orientation, which ignores the fact that bullies have often been bullied and are lacking skills themselves—in particular, empathy, perspective taking, and appreciating how one’s behavior is affecting others—and often simply drives the bullying underground.
If the anti-bullying curriculum and policies aren’t getting the job done, then there’s a decent chance your child is still being mistreated by peers. If you decide to watch closely to see if your child can manage things on her own, or if you adopt the mentality that kids have to work these things out amongst themselves, then you’d be using Plan C. If you decide not to set the problem aside, Plan A would have you taking some unilateral action without your child’s input or consent—perhaps calling the school principal or guidance counselor to demand that decisive and immediate action be taken against the perpetrator. Given your child’s heightened sensitivity to how she’s perceived by her peers and increasing aversion to unilateral parental intervention, this may not be the ideal route, as it would communicate to your child that your concerns about the bullying trump her concerns about how you’re going about getting your concerns addressed.
And Plan B?
Parent: I’ve noticed that you haven’t been going over to Karla’s house to hang out lately. What’s up?
Jen: Nothing.
Parent: You sure?
Jen: Um, I don’t think she wants to be my friend anymore.
Parent: Hmm. How come?
Jen: I don’t know. She kind of turned on me.
Parent: She turned on you. How so?
Jen: But I don’t want you, like, calling her mother or anything.
Parent: No, I wouldn’t call her mother. Not unless you wanted me to.
Jen: I don’t want you to.
Parent: Got it.
Jen: Good.
Parent: So help me understand what you mean that she turned on you.
Jen: Well, she was being kind of mean to Margaret. And Margaret isn’t so good at sticking up for herself. So I started hanging out with Margaret more. And I think Karla got mad about that. So she kind of doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore.
Parent: That’s a tough situation. Though it was very nice of you to support Margaret.
Jen: Yeah, well, now Margaret is the only person who wants to hang out with me. Karla has convinced everyone else to, like, ignore me.
Parent: I’m sorry.
Jen: Like Grandpa always says, no good deed goes unpunished.
Parent: I’m not sure Grandpa is right about that. But I’m very sorry that your good deed hasn’t worked out very well, at least so far.
Parent: Hmm. Are you OK?
Jen: Yes. I mean, Margaret’s nice. She’s really quiet, but she’s actually pretty funny once she opens up. And I still have my friends from soccer.
Parent: But I guess it’s kind of hard to have kids who you’ve been friends with start to ignore you.
Jen: Yes.
Parent: Do you want my help with this?
Jen: No. I mean, I don’t know what you could do.
Parent: Well, don’t worry. I wouldn’t do anything without talking to you about it. But I wonder if there’s anything we could do to make things better.
Jen: You know Karla. Once she makes her mind up about someone, it’s all over. I mean, I like being her friend, but I don’t like when she’s mean. So now she’s being mean to me.
Parent: Right. Does anyone at school know?
Jen: You mean, like, the teachers?
Parent: Yeah.
Jen: They don’t care about this stuff.
Parent: Well, they might. They’re supposed to, anyway.
Jen: Don’t call my teachers!
Parent: Jen, don’t worry—I’m not calling anyone. We’re just talking. Like we always have.
Jen: I shouldn’t even be talking to you about this.
Parent: No? How come?
Jen: I don’t know. I should be able to handle this stuff on my own.
Parent: I see. How come?
Jen: ’Cuz kids my age shouldn’t need help from their parents.
Parent: Hmm. I didn’t know that. I still talk to Grandma and Grandpa about things that are troubling me.
Jen: You do?
Parent: Sure. Sometimes they have ideas I haven’t thought of. And sometimes it’s just nice to have someone to talk to about things.
Jen: Well, I don’t think anything can be done about this.
Parent: Maybe not. So what are you going to do?
Jen: I guess I’ll just see how it goes for a while. Maybe Karla will, like, chill.
Parent: OK. Let me know if things get worse . . . or better. Because I don’t think we want to just let this stay this way. Do you know what I mean?
Jen: Yep.
That one started out as Plan B and then turned into Plan C, at least for now, in deference to the kid’s wishes. Still, the parent did gather some important information about the problem. If the parent decided not to just let it ride, he or she would return to Plan B to discuss potential courses of action that were realistic and mutually satisfactory. Naturally, the specifics of the situation would determine your sense of urgency on intervention.
Is Plan B “working” even if it takes a while to get the problem solved? Yes, it’s working if you know more about your child’s concerns than you otherwise would have. It’s working if your child listens to and understands your concerns. It’s working if you and your child are working together on getting your respective concerns addressed. It’s working because you’re communicating to your child that you are reliable, that you’re curious, that you care, and that you know how to be a good partner.
If Plan B doesn’t resolve the difficulties your child is having with academics or peers—and especially if those difficulties become more chronic—you’ll want to seek out professional guidance. But you’ll be more successful in having your child work with a hired helper if you decide to pursue that course of action collaboratively rather than unilaterally.
• • • • •
For some kids, arriving at adolescence means the most tumultuous period of development has passed. Other kids, whose preadolescence may have been relatively uneventful, are just starting to rev the engine. Peer relations and academics are still quite intense during these years, but now the peer culture has added drugs, alcohol, and sex to the mix (though these additions can enter the mix even earlier), along with things like driving, SATs, and college applications. Your desire to have some influence hasn’t faded, and the potential for incompatibility still looms large.
By now your kid is presumably quite familiar with your values, wisdom, and experience. The big question is whether both you and your child are clear about your expectations. If you don’t have clear expectations, your kid (and her peers) will assume you have an “anything goes” mentality, in which case “just about anything” may be what you get. It will be hard to know if your child is meeting your expectations if neither of you knows what they are.
Of course, if you are clear about your expectations, your choices will be the same: watch very closely and see if your kid can work things through on her own (Plan C); modify, or set aside a particular expectation, at least for now (also Plan C); impose unilateral solutions (Plan A); or work together on realistic and mutually satisfactory solutions (Plan B).
So let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. What are your expectations when it comes to experimentation with and use of marijuana? Are you OK with her trying it, or is total abstinence your expectation? How flexible are you willing to be if you and your child disagree on the total abstinence part? If you’re OK with her trying it, do you have expectations about the conditions under which that will occur? Or are you thinking that smoking marijuana is a relatively harmless rite of passage? After all, you did it (and maybe you still do). By the way, just because many states have decriminalized or legalized marijuana doesn’t mean it’s a benign substance; it just means the authorities tired of trying to enforce the unenforceable and of spending a fortune trying to do it. Whether or not there’s incompatibility between you and your child on the marijuana issue depends completely on where you and she land on these questions. If you don’t want her to smoke marijuana, and she has no interest in trying it, you’re probably in the clear in the incompatibility department. If there’s incompatibility—now you know the mantra—you’ll have a problem to solve.
How about alcohol? Are you OK with a few beers at a party? Are you OK with more than that, so long as there’s a designated driver? Or is your expectation total abstinence? If so, how flexible are you willing to be if you and your child disagree on setting the bar at total abstinence? What about other substances? Molly? Cocaine? Heroin is increasingly popular these days.
And do you want input on how boyfriends and girlfriends should treat each other? While the hormones (and perhaps her boyfriend and friends) may be telling her to go, go, go, you’ll need to be clear about whether your expectation is no, no, no or slow, slow, slow, or whether you’re OK having her navigate those waters on her own. Are you OK with casual hookups or do you feel strongly that some meaning should go along with the physical part? Are you OK with practically everything besides intercourse? Are you OK with intercourse so long as there are no sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy? Are you willing to supply birth control? Are you OK with the school providing birth control?
How involved do you want to be in making sure your kid prepares for the SATs? How involved do you want to be in helping your kid with college applications? How involved do you want to be in helping your kid select a college or a different path?
And now let’s think about your options for handling incompatibility, though it’s not like they’ve changed. Let’s say your daughter and her boyfriend have been pretty serious for a while now and you have an inkling—or maybe you’re somehow in the loop on this—that intercourse is now under consideration. You could watch closely to see if she can handle it on her own, perhaps by telling her you trust her instincts and that she’s smart enough to know how to avoid getting pregnant and contracting a sexually transmitted infection (Plan C). Plan A would have you forbidding her from engaging in intercourse and, if she refuses to go along with that, forbidding her from dating the guy. You may have an enforcement problem with that one, and there’s some chance that approach will end civil communication on the topic as well. And Plan B?
Parent: There’s something we should talk about at some point.
Claire: No, please.
Parent: No, please, what?
Claire: It’s about Robbie, right?
Parent: Well, actually, yes.
Claire: I don’t want to talk about Robbie.
Parent: I didn’t think you would. And we don’t have to talk about it right now. But there are just a few things I want to talk with you about.
Claire: This is not happening.
Parent: I can tell that you guys are getting pretty serious, and I don’t think it would be a crime for us to talk about that a little.
Claire: This is so embarrassing!
Parent: I don’t think it has to be embarrassing.
Claire: What are you worried about? Nothing’s happened!
Parent: Well, I know that when kids your age have been dating a while, things happen. I want to make sure you’re OK.
Claire: I’m OK! Thank you.
Parent: Yes, well, I was hoping for more than that.
Claire: Don’t you think this is kind of my business?
Parent: I do think it’s kind of your business. But I think it’s kind of my business too.
Claire: Fine, but not now! I need to get myself ready for this.
Parent: When?
Claire: Sunday night. No, wait—I’m all stressed about school on Sunday nights. Um . . . Saturday afternoon, after lacrosse practice.
Parent: You sure?
Claire: No—I don’t even want to talk to you about this!
Parent: I don’t think it’ll be as bad as you think.
Claire: I think it’ll be worse than I think. How ’bout I promise that if anything, like, really serious is going to happen, we’ll use a condom?
Parent: Um, is anything really serious going to happen?
Claire: I’m not sure.
Parent: Do you want something serious to happen?
Claire: I’m not sure.
Parent: Does Robbie want something serious to happen?
Claire: Yes.
Parent: Does Robbie know you’re not sure?
Claire: Yes. That’s why we haven’t done that yet.
Parent: Is Robbie pressuring you?
Claire: Not really.
Parent: So, it looks like we’re talking about this now. Should we keep going?
Claire: Oh my God.
Parent: Is it that bad to talk about it?
Claire: No, not really. It’s just that it’s private. It’s . . . my life.
Parent: Yes. I agree that it’s your life. But, um, it’s always been my role to make sure you’re safe and that you’re thinking things through, and I’m not quite ready to let that go just yet. It doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re capable of thinking things through on your own. It just means I care about you and want to make sure you’re doing things that make sense for you.
Claire: You always told me love makes no sense.
Parent: Yeah, well, getting pregnant would make less sense. And getting a disease would make less sense too.
Claire: They give out free condoms at school.
Parent: Yes, I think I knew that. Do either of you know how to use them?
Claire: I took that human health course at school, like, six years ago! It’s not that complicated!
Parent: Is it safe to say that if you don’t know if you’re ready, then you’re not ready?
Claire: I don’t know.
Parent: Because, you know, when things get heated, it’s harder to say no.
Claire: Oh my God!
Claire: I can’t believe we’re talking like this!
Parent: Why shouldn’t we be talking like this?
Claire: I don’t know.
Parent: Well, it sounds to me like you don’t feel like you’re being forced into anything.
Claire: It’s a little insulting that you think I’d let myself be forced into something . . . and that you think I’d date someone who’d act like that.
Parent: I don’t think either of those things. I just wanted to check in with you. And it sounds like you have the contraception part covered.
Claire: Yes, Mom.
Parent: Will you talk to me if you have any concerns about any of this stuff?
Claire: Maybe.
Parent: Do you feel like you’re ready for the emotional part of things?
Claire: I’m not doing anything until I feel ready. And like you always say, you don’t always know if you’re ready until something actually happens. But if it happens—and I’m not saying it’s going to—but if it happens and I don’t feel good about it, I’ll tell you.
Parent: All right.
Claire: We done?
Parent: We’re done.
Claire: I think that was harder for you than it was for me.
Parent: I think you may be right.
Those templates for problem-solving and handling distress you laid the foundation for in the earlier years seem to be serving you well here in adolescence. They don’t guarantee that things will be seamless, but they’ll serve you well.
• • • • •
Think you’re done when your kid leaves the nest? Goodness, not by a long shot. By this point, however—if it hasn’t happened already—the vast majority of parents are completely convinced that they no longer have control over their kids’ lives. Hopefully, your kid now has a better-defined sense of her skills, preferences, beliefs, values, personality traits, goals, and direction, though that journey is always subject to change course depending on life events. But you still have experience, wisdom, and values to offer, and your kid may be even more receptive to what you’re bringing to the table. In fact, she may even seek it out. Your kid still needs a partner, just maybe not quite so much and now almost totally on her terms. The ingredients of Plan B don’t vary across the ages.
• • • • •
How you go about dealing with the problems that affect your kid’s life—and what you communicate to your child in doing so—colors many things about your relationship with each other, how you communicate, whether you have influence, and whether the problems are actually solved. Pardon the repetition, but you truly do reap what you sow. I’ve heard many parents say how happy they are that their children are now adults, because their relationship during the child’s adolescence—and sometimes even childhood—was horrific, but they can now finally talk to each other. Great that things are better now, but they could have been talking and collaborating all along. Of course, I’ve known other parents and kids whose relationships with each other never recovered from the conflict and acrimony of those earlier years.
You want to be your child’s partner in development, throughout development. While your child may need different things from you across the course of development, she’s going to need you to be her partner at every step along the way. And when she starts letting you know that she doesn’t need a partner so much anymore, you have solid confirmation that you’ve been a very good partner.
Question: A lot of the examples of Plan B make it sound so easy! Why have my attempts at Plan B been so hard?
Answer: It’s definitely not easy. You’ve read some examples of Plan B going fairly smoothly and other examples where it’s been more difficult. There are some topics that are easier to talk about than others. But the biggest difficulties usually arise when a kid is a reluctant participant in the process, quite often because she’s become accustomed to Plan A and hasn’t noticed that you’re approaching things in a less punitive, more collaborative manner. So it may take a while for that to sink in; in the meantime, as you’ve seen in some examples, her response to Plan B may be off-putting. Hang in there. Even when it feels like your kid is pushing you away, there are often signs that she is increasingly, though grudgingly, participating in the process. That’s progress.
But even kids who’ve had lots of Plan B aren’t always enthusiastic about sharing information—that’s a common sign of increasing independence—and may communicate the lack of enthusiasm in ways that aren’t as civil as parents might prefer. Try hard not to let your kid’s tone of voice or attitude get to you. If she’s voicing concerns, hearing yours, and offering potential solutions, that’s progress, even if she’s losing style points. Too many parents get caught up in their kid’s manner and fail to notice that their kid is actually participating in the process. It may not be pretty, but it’s better than the alternative.
Question: This chapter is making me think back to when my child was very small. I was so clear back then about the kind of relationship I wanted to have with her. It’s easy to lose track along the way. Life kind of just takes over. Any thoughts on that?
Answer: It is easy to lose perspective. We’re very busy. And many parents become a lot less collaborative as their kids get older and the expectations increase and the stakes feel even higher. It may be useful to think about what you want your child saying about you as a parent when she grows up. You may want to write it down when she’s quite young so you can refer back to it later; you’re right—things can get a little fuzzy as the years roll on. There are lots of possibilities:
She always got so freaked out about everything that we could never talk about anything.
He was a very good listener.
She was very caring.
He understood.
We never talked. I think he was too busy making a living.
She never really took an interest in my interests.
I don’t think he understood me very well.
He worked hard, but he almost never missed one of my games.
She had my back, even when I screwed up.
I felt like I couldn’t make any mistakes—he always overreacted.
I think he stayed in authority-figure role for too long, and I needed something else when I got older.
He had to be right about everything.
She always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.
He always had to have the upper hand.
She was very wise, and she could tell when I was ready to hear her wisdom.
She loved me, but I was never really sure if she liked me.
He accepted me for who I am.
She showed she cared by criticizing me—I wish she could have shown that she cared in some other way.
What do you want your child to say about you? That might be a good thing to start thinking about.
Question: What if, in Plan B, my concerns and my child’s concerns are in direct conflict?
Answer: Concerns can’t really be in direct conflict, though they may reflect completely different perspectives. It’s actually when you skip concerns and head straight for solutions that conflict can arise, not in the form of conflicting concerns but rather as conflicting solutions (a scenario we’ve already referred to as a power struggle). Case in point:
Kid: OK if I sleep at Caitlin’s tonight?
Parent: Sure, if her mom’s home.
Kid: I think her mom is working the late shift, so she’s not going to be home.
Parent: Then no.
Kid: Why not?
Parent: Who else is going to be there?
Kid: Theresa and Joni.
Parent: You must be joking. Theresa and Joni are too wild—you know their parents let them drink and do drugs. And from what you’ve told me, Caitlin gets a little wild when she’s with them.
Kid: Yeah, well I don’t drink and do drugs.
Parent: I don’t want you to be tempted. If the three of them are drinking and doing drugs, I think it’s very hard not to get pulled into that.
Kid: They know I don’t do that stuff. So they don’t try to pull me in.
Parent: This is not up for discussion. I’m not letting you sleep there if Caitlin’s mom isn’t there.
Kid: You think Caitlin’s mom would stop them from drinking or doing drugs? It doesn’t really matter if she’s not there.
Parent: I’m sorry, but my answer is no.
Kid: Can I go over there for a while and not sleep over?
Parent: No.
Kid: This is such bullshit! Why don’t you trust me?!
All right, so that was Plan A. And now, here’s the big question: Is Plan A the best long-term strategy on this issue? In other words, is it realistic to believe that depriving the kid of the company of her drug- and alcohol-using friends is going to reliably prevent her from using drugs and alcohol? Is there another way for the parent to get the reassurance she’s seeking? Should we try a do-over with Plan B?
Kid: OK if I sleep at Caitlin’s tonight?
Parent: Sure, if her mom’s home.
Kid: I think her mom is working the late shift, so she’s not going to be home.
Parent: I don’t love it. Who else is going to be there?
Kid: Theresa and Joni.
Parent: For real? Why do you want to hang with them so badly?
Kid: Well, I really just want to hang with Caitlin. But she invited Theresa and Joni over too. But they’re my friends, and I want to hang out with them. I can’t just sit home on Saturday nights because some of my friends drink and do drugs.
Parent: I understand. Any boys showing up?
Kid: No boys.
Parent (sighing): I know you don’t want to just sit at home on a Saturday night. And I know you have some friends that drink and do drugs. I don’t love it that Caitlin’s mom isn’t going to be there to keep an eye on things.
Kid: Mom, it wouldn’t matter if Caitlin’s mom is there. She doesn’t know what goes on in the basement.
Parent: Great. So I think my concern is that I don’t like Theresa and Joni pressuring you to drink and do drugs with them.
Kid: Mom, they know I don’t do that stuff. So they don’t try to pull me in.
Parent: They don’t pressure you at all?
Kid: They offer. I refuse. But they don’t, like, ridicule me if I don’t participate. They’re not like that.
Parent: And you don’t feel left out?
Kid: No. It kind of feels good.
Parent: Do you have to sleep over?
Kid: No. I mean, I want to . . . it’s more fun. But not if it’s going to freak you out.
Parent: Um . . . I think I’d feel better if you didn’t sleep over when Caitlin’s mom isn’t there. But if you really want to, I think I have to trust your judgment.
Kid: We’re just going to watch a horror movie and go to sleep. I’m OK.
Parent: You hate horror movies.
Kid: I know. But I’ll be OK.
Parent: Will you call me to pick you up if anything’s going on that you don’t feel OK about?
Kid: Yes.
Parent: I’ll have my cell phone next to me.
Kid: I’ll call if I need you.
Question: My spouse won’t use Plan B—or even read this book. Any advice?
Answer: Do Plan B with your husband or wife. In the Empathy step, you should find out what he or she is thinking. Is he still wearing those old lenses? Is she not feeling confident about her Plan B skills? Does he still think that collaborating is the equivalent of capitulating? Does she fear that, in using Plan B, her concerns won’t be heard and addressed?
Many adults use Plan A out of sheer habit. They actually may not have strong beliefs guiding their use of Plan A; it’s just the way they were raised, and they’ve never given the matter much thought. The goal, of course, is to help them give the matter some thought, especially with regard to whether discipline as usual is getting the job done.
One option—as you’re about to see with Dan and Kristin—is for the reluctant spouse to sit in on Plan B as an observer. Even just having that parent sit in on Plan B discussions is a good first step. When they see that it’s working and see what it looks like they’ll be more receptive to trying it themselves.
Question: But my husband says Plan A worked for him when he was a kid. How do I respond to that?
Answer: It depends what he means by “worked.” Maybe, after thinking about it a little, he’ll come to recognize that it would have been nice for his concerns to have been heard as a child and to have been engaged in solving the problems that affected his life. Maybe he’ll even think that would have been good preparation for The Real World.
Question: I’ve been taught that it’s important for parents to be consistent with each other in front of the child so the child can’t do any “splitting.” So what advice do you give parents if one is using Plan A on an issue and the other disagrees?
Answer: The kid isn’t the one doing the splitting in this scenario. If one parent is still using Plan A to solve problems and the other disagrees with that approach, then the parents are already split on how to solve problems with their child. If one parent believes that a particular problem is a high priority and the other doesn’t, they’re already split on that issue as well. So the parents need to huddle up and come to a consensus on which unsolved problems they’re working on with the child and which ones they’re setting aside for now. Then they need to think about whether Plan A is likely to get the high-priority problems solved. Finally, they need to get better at Plan B, together.
Question: Can you talk a little about how Plan B relates to resilience and self-esteem?
Answer: Resilience and self-esteem are popular buzzwords these days, but we should think about what they really mean. Resilience is the ability to face challenges, work through them step by step, and bounce back stronger than you were before. When the first solution to a problem doesn’t get the job done, you foster resilience by revisiting the problem and collaborating on a solution that is more realistic and mutually satisfactory. Self-esteem reflects a person’s self-knowledge and sense of mastery in meeting life’s various expectations. A lot of parents tell me their child has low self-esteem, that their child doesn’t feel very good about herself. But you’re helping a child have self-knowledge and achieve a sense of mastery by helping her approach problems in a systematic, organized, proactive, collaborative fashion. The more problems solved, the greater her sense of mastery, not only when it comes to those problems but also when it comes to the ones that haven’t even shown up yet.
Question: And self-respect?
Answer: If your child is confident that his concerns are valid; if he has the self-assurance to express those concerns in a way that others can comprehend; if he has the ability to generate solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory; if he’s feeling comfortable with and living a life that is congruent with his skills, preferences, beliefs, values, personality traits, goals, and direction; and if he’s had the benefit of your wisdom, experience, and values; he’s probably in pretty good shape in the self-respect department.
Question: It’s hard to collaborate if your kid is being dishonest, right?
Answer: Dishonesty is typically a by-product of Plan A, as kids are trying to avoid your wrath or making you mad. But your wrath doesn’t promote honesty. As you’ve read, there’s nothing for your child to lie about when you’re exploring her concerns and solving problems collaboratively.
Question: Can you say a little more about disrespect?
Answer: Kids’ disrespectful demeanor toward adults is also often the by-product of Plan A. When adults learn about and clarify kids’ concerns, when they’re nonjudgmental about and validate those concerns, children feel respected and reciprocate the respect. So when your child says, “You’re the worst parent in the world,” there’s an unsolved problem (probably being handled with Plan A) that you should instead be solving collaboratively. And when your child says, “I hate you,” there’s an unsolved problem (probably being handled with Plan A) that you should instead be solving collaboratively. The more you use Plan B, the less your kid will be saying those things.
• • • • •
After talking with Cheryl at work, Kayla went straight to Brandon’s bedroom, as usual. This time he was sitting up in bed, with books in front of him.
“You’re awake?”
“I couldn’t sleep,” Brandon said.
Kayla sat down on the bed next to Brandon. “I’m sorry. What are you reading?”
“History.”
“Hmm. I don’t think I even know what you’re studying in history.”
“Right now, World War I.”
“Is it interesting?”
“Kind of. But not the way Mrs. Ott teaches it. She just lectures the whole time and we’re supposed to write it all down, and I don’t understand what she’s saying half the time.”
“I see,” said Kayla. “So you’re studying for her class now?”
“Yeah, but it’s not going to help, because on her tests she only asks questions that are from what she says in class.”
“And you’re not able to follow what she’s saying in class.”
Brandon nodded. “That’s why I’m not doing too good on her tests.”
Tony appeared at the doorway. “Everything OK in here?”
“Yes, we’re fine,” Kayla responded.
“How come he’s not out of bed yet?”
“We were talking,” said Kayla. “We’re fine.”
Tony held up Brandon’s report card. “Yeah, well this isn’t fine,” said Tony. Kayla suddenly remembered that she’d left the report card on her dresser before she left for work. Brandon looked horrified.
“That’s what we’re talking about,” said Kayla.
Tony came into the bedroom. “If you ask me, we talk too much around here. You wanna let him pull the wool over your eyes, that’s your damn business. But I don’t let people play me for a fool, especially little kids.”
“I don’t think he’s pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes,” said Kayla.
“I ask him every night if he needs my help with school, and he always says everything’s under control. Failing history is not ‘under control.’ That C in math is not ‘under control.’ Geez, how long are you gonna fall for his crap?”
“I’m not falling for anything,” said Kayla. “He knows he needs to get better grades.”
“ ‘He knows’? That’s it? ‘He knows’?” Tony glared at Brandon. “Get your ass out of bed.”
Brandon, wide-eyed, didn’t move.
“Tony, I don’t need your help with this,” Kayla implored.
“The hell you don’t,” said Tony. He reached to grab Brandon’s arm to yank him out of the bed. Kayla pushed his arm aside.
“Don’t touch him,” she snapped. “I said I didn’t need your help with this.”
Tony tried to pick up Kayla by her arms to move her out of the way. Brandon leapt up and grabbed Tony’s arm. Tony swung around and threw Brandon on the floor.
“Leave him be!” Kayla screamed.
Brandon got up off the floor and tried to tackle Tony, who was well more than twice his size. Tony threw him back on the floor. Kayla put her body between Tony and Brandon. “I said leave him be!”
Tony stared at Kayla and smirked. “I don’t need this,” he said. “You wanna let him screw up his life, that’s your choice. He’s yours.”
Tony stalked out of the room. Kayla started to cry. Brandon came over to soothe her. “I’m sorry, Mamma.”
Are there any takeaways from this scenario? Only what you already know: humans are at risk for exhibiting their least desirable characteristics when concerns are being ignored and unilateral, uninformed solutions are being applied.
• • • • •
Denise had arranged a meeting between Charlotte, Hank, and her and they were all now seated at the dining room table. She made sure Hank and Charlotte weren’t seated next to each other.
“Can I sit on your lap, Mommy?” Charlotte asked.
“I’d rather you sit in a chair for now,” Denise said. “But you can sit on my lap after we’re done solving this problem.”
Hank began clowning. “I’ve called you all here for this meeting because . . .” he announced in a feigned officious voice.
Denise interrupted. “Let’s get started. I still have to make dinner . . . or maybe I’ll just order a pizza.”
“I want pizza!” Hank interjected.
“Um . . . maybe . . . but that’s actually not what we’re talking about right now.” Denise took a deep breath and launched Plan B. “I’ve now spoken with both of you about the TV problem, so I have a good sense of each of your concerns. Now I want to put those concerns back on the table so we can come up with a solution that works for everyone.”
Neither child responded unfavorably to this agenda, so Denise continued. “Hank, your concern is that Charlotte is often watching the television so you don’t get to watch your shows when you’d like. Charlotte, your concern is that Hank forces you to watch his TV shows. Do I have that right?”
“I think you’re doing good, Mommy,” said Charlotte.
“Don’t forget the part about her being your favorite and you always taking her side,” said Hank.
“Well, she’s not my favorite, and I know you feel I always take her side, but right now I’m on nobody’s side—actually, I think I’m on everybody’s side . . . well . . . whatever. I think if we can get this problem solved, you won’t feel like I’m always on her side, because we’re going to come up with a solution that works for both of you.”
There was no additional commentary from Hank or Charlotte, so Denise continued. “I wonder if there’s a way,” she began, knowing that she had to recap the concerns of both kids, “for us to make sure that Hank can watch some of his shows sometimes without having to make Charlotte watch his shows.” She then gave the kids the first crack at coming up with solutions. “Now, both of you told me some ideas that you had about how to solve that, so let’s hear those again now that we’re all talking about this together.”
“You could ask Dad to give you more money so you could buy me a TV,” said Hank.
Denise couldn’t tell if Hank was serious. “Um, I don’t think your dad is going to be giving me more money,” she said. “Charlotte, what was your idea?”
“I said we could have a schedule,” said Charlotte. “There would be times when I get to watch the TV and times when Hank gets to watch the TV.”
Denise looked at Hank. “What do you think of that idea?” She was worried that he’d instantaneously reject any ideas proposed by his younger sister. But he surprised her.
“So, like, you get the TV during certain times and I get the TV during certain times?”
Charlotte nodded. “Mommy, can I sit in your lap now that the problem is solved?”
“What are you, a lapdog?” Hank sneered.
Denise tried to keep things on track. “Hank, quit. Seriously, what do you think of the idea of a TV schedule?”
“Sounds fine to me,” said Hank. “All my shows are recorded anyways. It’s just that Charlotte thinks she owns the TV, so I don’t get to watch unless I take control of the remote.”
“I don’t think I own the TV,” responded Charlotte.
“Well, then how come you’re always—”
Denise nipped this detour in the bud. “Hey! I own the TV! Can we get back on track here? Charlotte, when would you want to watch the TV?”
“Right after I get home from Mrs. Travano’s,” said Charlotte, referring to her day-care provider.
“So that’s around six p.m.,” Denise clarified. “Hank, you come straight home from school most days, so that gives you time to watch TV before Charlotte even gets here.”
“Yeah, but I do homework right when I get home from school,” said Hank. “So I don’t want to watch TV then. I want to watch TV after.”
“So you get home around three thirty. How much time do you spend on homework?”
“At least two hours.”
“And you do that right when you get home?”
“No,” said Hank. “I relax a little first. But not by watching TV.”
“And don’t you watch TV when I’m putting Charlotte to bed?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“So, if we’re going to go with a schedule, we just need to figure out when both of you would be watching TV.”
Hank had a proposal. “How ’bout Charlotte watches for an hour at six p.m. when she gets home from Mrs. Travano’s, and I watch from seven on?”
“How long do I get to watch?” asked Charlotte.
“An hour,” Hank replied. “That’s two episodes of Modern Family . . . or one Phineas and Ferb and one Dog with a Blog.”
Charlotte seemed satisfied.
“That work for you, Charlotte?”
Charlotte nodded.
“And Hank, you’d watch after that?” asked Denise.
“Yup.”
“And what if I want us to eat dinner as a family, which we sometimes do?” asked Denise. “What does that do to the timing?”
Hank was malleable on this. “She gets an hour, even if dinner gets in the way.”
Charlotte thought of something else. “Can I watch what Hank’s watching?”
Hank looked surprised. “You mean like Shark Tank?”
“Yes. I think Lori is pretty. And she wears pretty clothes.”
“You can watch with me,” Hank said. “Just don’t bug me about changing the channel. And don’t ask me to explain what’s going on.”
“I won’t ask you any questions,” said Charlotte. “Mommy, can I sit on your lap now?”
“We done?” Denise asked.
“I’m done,” said Hank.
“I’m done,” said Charlotte, climbing into Denise’s lap.
“Do I need to write this down or anything?” Denise asked.
“Nope—we got it,” Hank replied.
That wasn’t so bad, Denise thought. Then she called the pizzeria.
Your first try at Plan B with two siblings may or may not go this smoothly. Probably not. You may have a lot of old, counterproductive communication habits to weed through. But stick with the basics: one sibling’s concerns first, preferably without interruption from the other; the other sibling’s concerns next, also uninterrupted; then exploration of solutions that address the concerns of both parties. You’re the facilitator, not the referee.
• • • • •
Dan and Kristin were in the car, driving to the mall.
“I talked to Taylor about the problem of us often not knowing where she is,” Dan announced.
“You did?” asked Kristin.
“And?”
“And I think we came to a possible solution. But I want to make sure it works for you.”
“What’s the solution?”
“She’s going to text us every hour to let us know she’s OK and where she is. And if she doesn’t text us, we can text her.”
“How is that different than me calling her? Geez, that kid is never satisfied.”
“Well, I do think there’s a difference,” said Dan. “When you call her, her friends know it’s you. It’s embarrassing. When she gets a text, it could be anyone. So it’s more anonymous.”
“Like it’s so embarrassing to have your mother making sure you’re safe!” Kristin huffed.
“I think at this age it’s embarrassing to have your mother calling to make sure you’re safe. Especially if your mother is calling you frequently.”
“And what if she doesn’t text us? And what if she doesn’t respond to my texts—what then?”
“Then we talk about it again. But I think that solution actually might work. And what we’re doing now sure as heck isn’t working.”
Kristin bit back a sarcastic comment and took a deep breath. “OK, so that’s the solution. I’m glad you and our daughter were able to talk to each other. Too bad I can’t do the same thing.”
“Well, that’s the thing. I haven’t agreed to the solution yet. I told her we needed your input. I think we need to get together—the three of us—to seal the deal.”
“The three of us? That’ll screw it all up. I’m fine with the deal. You just tell her. I don’t want to mess it up.”
“Um, I don’t really want to be the only one solving problems with Taylor,” said Dan.
“Why? You’re good at it! I can’t even talk to her.”
“Well, I would like us to try to do something about that.”
“So, what—we’re going to all sit down for a little family powwow? Are we gonna sing ‘Kumbaya’?”
“Kristin, stop. I know this isn’t easy, but let’s try it. You don’t have to say anything. I can do all the talking.”
“That’ll be real natural,” said Kristin. “I’ll just sit there with my hands folded.”
“I’m just saying, if it’s easier, you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.”
“She’s willing to do this?”
“Well, it’s not like she’s wildly enthusiastic about the idea, but she’s willing. She is enthusiastic about us getting along better, though she has her doubts about whether it’s actually possible.” Dan steered the car into a parking space.
“Well, I don’t want to be the weak link here,” said Kristin.
A few days later, Dan, Kristin, and Taylor sat down for their prearranged meeting in Taylor’s bedroom.
Taylor opened the proceedings. “This is so weird.”
“Yes, it does seem a little strange,” said Dan. “We don’t sit down and talk like this very often.”
“We don’t ever sit down and talk like this!” said Taylor. “Well, not the three of us, anyway.” Taylor looked at Kristin. “Are you gonna say anything?”
“Probably not much,” said Kristin. “I think it’s better for you and Dad to do the talking.”
“Dad and I have already done the talking!” said Taylor.
“Yes,” said Dan, “but I wanted your mom to be a party to what we agreed to, so that’s why we’re doing this right now.”
Kristin rolled her eyes. “Fine, let’s get this over with.”
“So,” Dan began, “you and I agreed that you’d text us every hour to let us know where you are and that you’re safe. And your mom is good with that solution.”
“So this is just the times that I’m not at school or at dance or at volleyball practice, right?” Taylor asked.
“Yes. If we already know where you are, there’s no need to text us,” said Dan.
“And when am I supposed to do this? Like, at the top of each hour?” asked Taylor.
“Sure, that would work,” said Dan, looking to Kristin for her approval. Kristin nodded.
“What if I’m, like, in the middle of dance? I can’t text then,” Taylor noted.
“No, that would be one of the times that you wouldn’t need to text,” said Dan.
“And what if I forget?” Taylor asked.
“Then we can text you,” said Dan. “Just like we agreed.”
“And she’ll stop calling me?” Taylor asked.
“If this plan works, she won’t have any need to call you,” said Dan.
“What if she has some stupid question that can wait until later?” Taylor asked.
“She’ll wait until later,” said Dan, looking at Kristin again. She nodded again.
“OK, so that’s the deal,” said Taylor. “Anything else?”
Kristin was unable to hold out any longer. “Are you going to do it?”
“I knew you couldn’t stay quiet!” Taylor barked.
“I just want to know if you’re actually going to do it,” said Kristin.
“Are you going to stop calling me every five minutes?” Taylor demanded.
“Hey! Stop!” said Dan. “I’m operating on the assumption that all of us can do what we’re agreeing on. Otherwise, we shouldn’t be agreeing to it. If the solution doesn’t work, we’ll talk about it again.”
Taylor and Kristin were silent.
“So let’s go with that solution and see how it goes,” said Dan.
“Are we done?” asked Taylor, picking up her phone.
“Yes, I think we are,” said Dan.
Dan and Kristin left Taylor’s bedroom.
“She is so freaking disrespectful,” said Kristin when they reached the kitchen.
“I don’t know; I thought that went pretty well,” said Dan. “Anyway, it was a lot better than you guys screaming at each other.”
“Well, she’s not going to do it,” said Kristin.
“Maybe not. But I actually think she will.”
“So we have to do that every time we have a problem to solve with Taylor?” Kristin asked.
“Sure, why not?” said Dan. “And here’s the best news. I’m not doing it every time we have a problem to solve with her. I don’t want to be the mediator every time. I think you need to try it too.”
Is it OK if one parent is better at Plan B than the other, at least in the beginning? It may actually be inevitable. Is it OK to have one parent be the Plan B go-to guy? It’s not preferable, but it’s better than having no Plan B go-to guy. But the goal is for the parent for whom Plan B is a bit more instinctive to help the other parent get better at it, rather than being dismissive that Plan B doesn’t come quite so naturally to the co-parent. The least ideal scenarios are when the parents don’t agree on their expectations—so the kid has to navigate the waters of variable expectations—and when one parent is still relying on Plan A while the other is trying to solve problems using Plan B. Parenting is a partnership too. You need to collaborate with each other.