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A failure that you couldn’t prevent should be the easiest failure to handle — after all, you couldn’t have prevented it — but unfortunately, it’s often the most challenging one to process.
One of the most common and painful examples is losing a job due to the company cutting costs. Getting fired with no prior notice, virtually overnight, can become one of the most traumatic events in life.
Another example of a negative event that you often can’t prevent is a breakup of a relationship or being cheated on. The dreaded “I need to tell you something” conversation doesn’t always come with a prior notification. Naturally, the longer you were in the relationship, the more difficult it is to recover. Just like an unexpected job loss, losing a key relationship in your life can result in long-term trauma.
Is there anything you can do to prepare yourself for a negative event that you can’t prevent or to recover from it more quickly?
Is a failure sometimes indeed unpreventable or is there something you can always do to reduce the risk of it happening?
That’s what we’ll talk about in this chapter — and here’s where Stoicism comes into play. This ancient Greek school of philosophy proposes several fundamental principles to live by. While they all can be useful and valuable to a modern person, the tenets we’re most interested in for the purpose of this chapter are the following:
Arrian, a 2nd-century disciple of the prominent Greek Stoic Epictetus opens his Enchiridion of Epictetus (a Stoic manual based on the teachings of Epictetus) with the following words: “Some things are in our control and others not.”[15]
Whenever you find yourself angry at a situation you can’t change, remind yourself that it’s not up to you. I know that it sounds oversimplistic, but as counterintuitive as it is, accepting that things are beyond your control will give you a sense of peace and enable you to move on. After all, there’s nothing else you can do, so why not accept that the matter is settled and move on?
You dress according to the weather and not according to what you’d like the weather to be like. Staying angry when you can’t influence a situation is not only unproductive, —it’s also like giving yourself an unnecessary punishment.
Stoicism is based on the concept that peace of mind comes from focusing on what you can control instead of wasting your energy on things you can’t change. According to the Stoics, the only things you can always control are your own thoughts and subsequent beliefs, attitudes, and actions. Everything else — whatever is not your own thought, belief or action — is outside of your total control, so getting annoyed when something doesn’t go your way is a waste of resources.
This doesn’t mean that Stoics exhibited learned helplessness because they couldn’t fully control the world around them. Stoicism has never been about fatalism. Accepting that certain things are beyond your control doesn’t mean that you should stop any efforts to improve yourself. Rather, it’s about not dwelling on things not going your way, which in turn frees up mental energy to focus on the things that you do control.
A great habit to cultivate to become better at accepting that you can’t change certain things is to deliberately introduce uncomfortable changes in your life. By stepping outside your comfort zone, you’ll learn how to adapt to unfamiliar situations, and this skill will then help you react with more resilience to an unplanned negative situation over which you can’t exert control. For example, I’ve already slept in a car on a couple of occasions. If I’m forced to live out of my car, sleeping in it won’t be outside my comfort zone.
When facing a situation that you can’t change, another way to process negative feelings is to acknowledge your emotions. Try to find the root reason why you’re feeling them. Ask yourself what they’re trying to tell you and how you can accomplish your original goal in the new situation.
Resisting your negative emotions, or worse, venting at everything and everyone is a sure-fire way to suffer more than necessary. As the old adage goes, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
Stoics suggested practicing misfortune and visualizing negative things happening in your life. By imagining yourself in or actually putting yourself in a situation that mimics a possible negative event, you can practice your reaction to it, and that can help you build the mental resilience to handle such circumstances in the future. It gives you tremendous control over your life because whatever it throws at you, you’ll already have a plan B to bounce back.
Note that while you often can’t control what happens, you can always control your emotions. Practicing misfortune helps you get better at handling your emotional reactions.
This can be as simple as taking a cold shower or camping out in the wilderness. Going without modern luxuries is difficult at first, but you quickly get used to the new circumstances. In the future, whenever you won’t have access to hot running water, a comfortable bed, or even a roof over your head, you’ll quickly readapt. —After all, you’ve already experienced it and have probably developed alternative ways to take care of your hygiene or ensure a good night’s sleep.
EXERCISE #2: IMAGINE THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO
Imagining the worst-case scenario each time you’re faced with difficulties isn’t exactly a pleasant strategy. However, if done occasionally, it can be a powerful exercise to gain better control over your emotions.
The goal is to visualize the worst thing happening, but instead of doing it out of fear or pessimism, you’re doing it to plan for the future or as a reminder that what you have today might disappear tomorrow.
Thinking about losing your job and imagining how bad it would be allows you to prepare for the unexpected while you’re still in a secure position. What specifically would you do if you had lost your job? How much time would you have to find a new source of income if they fired you today? What actions could you immediately take to bounce back as quickly as possible?
Again — you aren’t doing it to feel pessimistic or out of an assumption that all the good things in your life will disappear overnight. You’re doing it as an exercise in acceptance and as a reminder that it might potentially happen.
Stoics like to say that you never lose things — you return them. Stoics believe that you’re only a temporary custodian of all the blessings you have in your life — including property, relationships, money, etc. You may get to be a temporary custodian for the rest of your life, or you may lose them sooner. Acceptance of either outcome will help you feel happier and make you more resilient.
In addition to coming up with constructive ways of dealing with the problem, ask yourself if your worst-case scenario is really so bad.
If you’re reading this book, you’re already in a privileged position. Millions of people all over the world can’t afford to buy even a single book. Even if you lost your job today and you had no savings, you could always get help somewhere. You could ask your friends or family for help. You could go eat at a soup kitchen. You could take a dead-end job just to support yourself financially while looking for better opportunities.
Your worst-case scenario would affect your life negatively. I’m not downplaying how unpleasant it would feel, but most likely it would be a short-term situation that you could remedy relatively quickly, as long as you would care about changing it.
Again, I’m not downplaying how difficult life is for the homeless or the poor. Turning your life around can take years, and in some places or in some circumstances it’s more challenging than in others. However, there are still plenty of examples of people rising out of poverty or homelessness. Even the worst circumstances can be temporary, as long as you maintain a tight grip on what you can control — your thoughts and actions.
Stoics understood that everything in life is temporary. You can be in a relationship today and be single tomorrow. You can drive an expensive car and live in a mansion today and rent a small room and use your feet as a means of transport a year from now. You can be perfectly healthy now, and bedridden next week.
My friend has a stable, enviable job in a multinational S&P 500 corporation with a long history and great prospects for the future. As the only expert in his domain in his area, his position is as secure as it could be. Yet, he still periodically browses through job offers and keeps in touch with headhunters.
You could say that since his position is so secure, there’s no way he could ever lose his job. But as a shrewd person, he recognizes that everything is temporary. Even if the worst happens and he gets fired due to the factors outside his control, he’ll be prepared thanks to his policy of keeping eyes open for new opportunities.
EXERCISE #3: A DISTURBING GOODBYE
A powerful, but let’s admit it — disturbing — exercise you can perform to improve the key relationships in your life is to imagine it’s the last time you’re seeing the other person.
As morbid as it sounds, sometimes I remind myself that every important person in my life can disappear from it literally overnight. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time is all it takes to lose a life.
Would I really want our last interaction to be negative? Would I really get angry over a little, insignificant thing? Would I really want to waste time arguing instead of enjoying each other’s company?
This practice will help you stop taking people for granted — and that will help your relationships flourish because whenever you’ll slip back into negative communication habits, imagining it’s the last time you’re seeing another person will shake you back into the realization that things are temporary and remind you how fragile life is.
It all sounds dire and grim to think about negative events, but it doesn’t mean that if you want to follow Stoicism, you need to be fatalistic or pessimistic. It’s not about living your life as if it were a life sentence of suffering. Rather, it’s about accepting the world how it is, so you can maintain good spirits even when things aren’t going well. In essence, Stoicism is about maximizing your happiness, no matter what the circumstances may be.
When you land in trouble or suffer a terrible blow, espousing the belief that everything is temporary will help you handle it more quickly. —After all, as the old adage says, “This too shall pass.” You might be in debt today, but if you work on eliminating it, eventually you’ll be free of it. It’s not a permanent condition that’s beyond your control. Likewise, —a success can be also short-lived, so when you live according to this philosophy, you’ll be more watchful to keep the good things in your life instead of resting on your laurels.
EXERCISE #4: WHAT DO YOU TAKE FOR GRANTED?
It’s easy to believe that the things you have in your life will be there forever. This erroneous belief can make you complacent and consequently increase the risk of losing those things. Spend a few minutes making a list of things you take for granted. For example, you could write:
1. My partner.
2. My business.
3. My health.
4. Hot running water.
5. Electricity.
6. A comfortable bed to sleep on.
7. A smartphone.
Now, focus on the relationships and achievements on your list. Ask yourself if you’re indeed paying enough attention to them. Taking those things for granted can make you stop putting enough effort to maintain them. This can increase the risk of losing those things, —and when it does happen, it produces a shock that often feels like it couldn’t have been prevented. After all, you thought it was yours forever, so how in the world could you have ever predicted you would lose it?
Take action today, even if it feels like everything is perfect. Make an extraordinary effort to not merely maintain them, but also to take the relationships and achievements in your life to the next level.
Surprise your partner by planning a romantic weekend getaway to a cabin in the mountains. Resist being complacent in your business by taking a big risk to expand it to another market or by making some improvements in your daily processes. Even if you feel perfectly healthy, do bloodwork to make sure everything is fine. And even if it is, make an effort to further improve your diet and fitness levels.
1. The first common type of failure is failure that you can’t prevent. In contrast to other failures, as the name implies, you usually can’t prevent it. Fortunately, there’s a lot you can do to handle it better. The most powerful approach is adopting the philosophy of Stoicism and the stance that if something is beyond your control, you need to accept it and move on.
2. Practice acceptance by deliberately introducing uncomfortable changes, not resisting your emotions (venting or denial only makes things worse), and reminding yourself that some things are not up to you, and it should actually become a source of comfort for you because the matter is settled and you’re free to move on.
3. Practicing misfortune by envisioning negative events or creating uncomfortable circumstances is a good way to increase the control you have over your own emotions because ultimately, it’s one of the few things you do control.
4. Lastly, remember that everything is temporary. Embracing this philosophy can help you in two ways: you’ll stop taking things for granted and put in more effort to maintain them, and you’ll get better at handling blows. —After all, everything is temporary, and so is pain.
