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We’ve already discussed that people go to great lengths to avoid suffering a blow to their ego.
I say, “Screw that!” Show the middle finger to your ego and don’t be afraid to look ridiculous in front of others. During the close-quarters combat seminar, we practiced escaping from zip ties by performing a rapid downwards motion. To my surprise, I succeeded on my first try. But then I failed every single time after that, flailing my arms like a crazy chicken (to the great joy of my sparring partner, who exploded with laughter after each of my failures).
Fortunately, I had trained myself a long time ago to not care about such situations. I rarely, if ever, feel self-conscious when I fall on my butt or do something stupid. I’m a newbie, so it’s obvious I’m going to fail and look ridiculous. Not trying your best merely because you don’t want to look stupid in front of other people is what I consider truly stupid.
Adhering to this principle means that you don’t feel guilty or inferior because you can’t yet do something . As we’ve already discussed, failure is necessary in order to learn. The ones who care about their progress and not about their image are the ones who learn the most quickly.
In my climbing gym, I sometimes see new climbers who are so protective of their ego that the moment they fall off a route, they look around (obviously embarrassed), worried that somebody saw them fall. Then they give up and move on to climb something easier.
I shudder to think about all the horrible things that would happen if somebody saw them fall again. Can’t have that. Their egos are more important than learning, right? I don’t claim to be better than them. It took me years to battle my own embarrassment and feel good, even when looking stupid. I know it’s a difficult process, and I greatly admire those who decide to push their egos aside and keep trying.
EXERCISE #8: TRY AGAIN
If you have a tendency to protect your ego by avoiding looking silly when you are learning something new, expose yourself to as many such situations as you can — and simply try again instead of worrying about what others think of you.
Try to catch yourself each time you’re worried that you look stupid and shift your attention back to the task you’re trying to master. Let me assure you that nobody cares about your failures as much as you think. When you’re worried about others laughing at your clumsy attempts, they’re often equally worried that they look silly in your eyes!
The more seriously you take yourself, the more difficult life will get for you. Protecting your ego will not only make you less likely to try again after a failure, it will also bring unnecessary frustration.
A couple of days ago, when learning basic Russian, I made an embarrassing mistake during a class with my teacher. Dwelling on it would only cause me unnecessary suffering and possibly affect my learning speed. Laughing at how embarrassing it was — and even sharing the story with other people and making them laugh at my expense — helped me quickly forget about it and move on.
Whenever you feel embarrassed about a failure, try to find something funny in it. Laughing it off will help you process it more quickly than if you were to waste time worrying about your image or constantly picturing the situation in your head and reliving the embarrassment over and over again.
EMPOWERING STORY #6: ARNO ILGNER
Arno Ilgner established himself as a bold rock climber who put up with scary and dangerous routes. Recognition fueled his sense of superiority, but deep down he went through long periods of times when he felt inferior.
As he recalls in his book, The Rock Warrior’s Way: Mental Training for Climbers, “I was caught in an external value system which forced me to see myself as either better than or worse than others. I compared my externals to the externals of others, concocting weak schemes why I was more or less valuable than someone else.”[34]
He recounts a situation in which he approached a difficult route with his usual cockiness. However, this time the route he considered to be within his capabilities defeated him and he took a fall. Arno was embarrassed by his failure. Upon seeing some friends scrambling up in their direction, he asked his belayer not to tell them that he fell. To Arno, admitting a failure was equal to being inferior, and he would rather lie to his friends than admit his defeat.
It would take him until age 35 to go beyond the idea that self-worth isn’t defined by failure or success. Inspired primarily by the works of Carlos Castaneda, he discovered that self-worth comes from an internal value system, and not merely from an achievement. Upon this realization, he developed his own system of mental training for rock climbing.
In The Rock Warrior’s Way, he teaches that “If you want a more consistent and authentic source from which to draw a sense of self-worth and personal power, you will eventually need to reject external factors, such as comparison and achievement. You must look inside and embrace learning.”
The concept of prioritizing learning over the ego became one of the basic tenets of his climbing philosophy that is now being taught in the United States, Mexico, Brazil and Spain.
1. Show the middle finger to your ego. A fear of embarrassment should be the last thing on your mind when you’re learning something new. If you don’t try again because you’re afraid of looking stupid, that’s when you actually exhibit an unintelligent behavior.
2. Don’t take your embarrassing failures seriously. Laughing them off will help you process them quickly, while dwelling on them and worrying about your image will only prolong the suffering.
