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Some people feel self-hatred after a failure. They equate failing with being a failure as a human being. This leads them into a negative loop of self-criticism that makes them unable to constructively process a failure and bounce back. If you suffer from this problem, before you move on, you need to learn how to turn self-criticism into self-compassion.
According to scientific research, when you exhibit self-compassion after failing to meet your goals, you’ll boost your mental resilience.[42] Self-kindness is also helpful in dealing with procrastination and enhances positivity.
Sounds good, but how do you actually stop criticizing yourself and become self-compassionate?
Here are a few ways to do so:
1. Imagine you’re helping a friend cope with failure
Unless you’re the world’s worst friend, if your best friend failed at something, you’d encourage them instead of criticizing them, wouldn’t you? It’s incredible that we can lend kindness toward other people, but don’t extend it toward ourselves.
EXERCISE #12: BE YOUR BEST FRIEND
It’s hard to feel self-empathy when you’re angry at yourself. It’s easier to feel empathetic toward somebody else because then you’re looking at the situation as a bystander, free of the negative emotions clouding your judgment. Why not look at yourself from that perspective, too?
Imagine that you’re writing a letter to your best friend who happens to be an exact copy of you. What would you tell this person to help them overcome their feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred that arose from the failure? How would you convey the compassion you feel toward them? What would you write to remind this person that every person fails and that it doesn’t mean they’re inferior? How would you communicate that you understand the situation in which they found themselves and tell them that you care?
When you finish writing your letter, put it out of sight and forget about it. After a couple of days, read your letter and let the compassionate tones of the message sink into you. Upon reading the letter, you should feel more understanding and compassion toward yourself.
2. Reframe your critical self-talk
Your inner critic could be a great ally if its criticisms were constructive. Unfortunately, negative self-talk usually resembles something more like “you’re a useless person” than “you didn’t do it right because you were too distracted by those other tasks.”
Why not turn your inner critic’s criticisms into something useful? The first step is to become conscious of when your self-critical voice is present and how it talks to you. Then, as the person observing the critic instead of being the critic, you can hear the message, dissect it, and turn it into something more useful.
I know, it sounds a bit out-there, so let’s dive into some more practical examples.
If you were on a diet and cheated because you were dealing with a painful problem and needed to comfort yourself, your self-critical voice might say something like: “You screwed up again. You had to mess everything up and comfort yourself with food. You’re such a weak-willed loser!”
If you look for the underlying message, namely “you’re an emotional eater,” you can extract something useful from this self-criticism. But before doing so, you need to give yourself some compassion and acknowledge your challenges.
You were struggling and you needed some connection with yourself. Food has always worked for you as a source of comfort, so you decided to forgo your diet to improve your mood. There’s no question that you needed to comfort yourself. Otherwise you wouldn’t have been able to deal with the painful problem.
Now that you no longer feel guilty or at least accept why you did it, think about the negative consequences of your choice. Yes, you dealt with the problem, but it affected your diet, which directly affects your future health.
Could you find a way to connect with yourself that wouldn’t involve eating? Could you try to connect with yourself by meditating, reading a book, going for a walk, listening to your favorite music, watching your favorite TV show, exercising, or doing any other thing that makes you feel good but isn’t self-destructive? If it has to be eating, can it at least be eating something less caloric and healthier? If it can’t, can you at least combine it with some exercise to reduce its negative effects on your well-being?
In addition to that, try looking at your inner critic’s words from a different perspective.
If it says “You’re lazy,” you can admit that yes, sometimes you don’t feel like doing things and that might pose a problem, but at the same time it’s helpful because you only invest your time and energy into something you find worthwhile.
If it says “You can never focus on one thing at a time,” you can agree that sometimes you do need to concentrate more, but at the same time your restlessness means you have a lot of energy and curiosity that you can use to help you achieve your goal.
Looking at self-criticism from a different, more empowering perspective will help you avoid thinking in terms of black and white. Your weaknesses might indeed cause problems, but they can also be helpful, so why hate yourself for them?
3. Nurture yourself
One of the documents I re-read from time to time to feel compassionate toward myself contains a list of ways I can go from a negative state (such as experiencing guilt or self-criticism) to making myself feel good. This simple list is a powerful ally in avoiding feeling guilt or anger at yourself when you fail.
Failure often leads to discouragement, which then turns into a strong need to comfort yourself. Pampering yourself when you feel bad will help you access a more positive state of mind, which will then help you overcome your self-critical voice. If you punish yourself with endless self-criticism, you’ll only drive yourself deeper into the abyss of guilt. It will consequently take you even longer to bounce back.
Here are some suggestions on how to make yourself feel good:
- seek positive friends who can help you relax and offer reassurance;
- listen to music you love;
- meditate or engage in another type of meditative practice;
- practice a sport you love;
- go out for a walk;
- take a long, warm shower or bath;
- play with a pet;
- cuddle;
- have a massage.
A terrific resource with numerous practical exercises and guided meditations to become more self-compassionate is available at self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff’s website www.self-compassion.org.
1. Some people who experience failure feel self-hatred, mistakenly equating the act of failing with being a failure. Learning how to turn self-criticism into self-compassion is crucial to cope with failure and bounce back with renewed confidence.
2. The three best ways to extend kindness toward yourself are to imagine you’re helping a friend cope with failure (you can write a letter a best friend would write to you to help you lift your spirits); reframe your critical self-talk by looking for useful feedback when listening to your self-critical voice; or to nurture yourself by doing things that make you feel good.
