For an adaptive leader, there is no more important skill than emotional intelligence (EQ). Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships. Emotional intelligence is the “something” in each of us that is a bit intangible. It affects how we demonstrate self-control, navigate social complexities, and make personal decisions that achieve positive results.
The daily challenge of dealing effectively with emotions is critical to leadership because our brains are hardwired to give emotions the upper hand. Here’s how it works: everything you see, smell, hear, taste, and touch travels through your body in the form of electric signals. These signals pass from cell to cell until they reach their ultimate destination, your brain. They enter your brain at the base near your spinal cord, but must travel across your brain before reaching the place where rational, logical thinking takes place. The trouble is, they pass through your limbic system (the place where emotions are processed) along the way. This journey ensures you experience things emotionally before your reason can kick into gear.
The physical pathway for emotional intelligence starts in the brain, at the spinal cord. Your primary senses enter here and must travel to the front of your brain before you can think rationally about your experience. However, first they travel through your limbic system, the place where emotions are experienced. Emotional intelligence requires effective communication between the rational and emotional centers of the brain.
The rational area of your brain (the front of your brain) can’t stop the emotion “felt” by your limbic system, but the two areas do influence each other and maintain constant communication. The communication between your rational and emotional “brains” is the physical source of emotional intelligence.
Since our brains are wired to make us emotional creatures, your first reaction to an event is always going to be emotional. You have no control over this part of the process. You do control the thoughts that follow an emotion, and you have a great deal of say in how you react to an emotion—as long as you are aware of it. Some experiences produce emotions that you are easily aware of; other times, emotions may seem nonexistent. When something generates a strong emotional reaction in you, it’s called a “trigger event.” Your reaction to your triggers is shaped by your personal history, which includes your experience with similar situations. As your EQ skills grow, you’ll learn to spot your triggers and practice productive ways of responding that will become habitual.
Emotional intelligence taps into a fundamental element of human behavior that is distinct from your intellect. There is no known connection between IQ and EQ; you simply can’t predict EQ based on how smart someone is. Cognitive intelligence, or IQ, is not flexible. Your IQ, short of a traumatic event such as a brain injury, is fixed from an early age. You don’t get smarter by learning new facts or information. Intelligence is your ability to learn, and it’s the same (relative to your peers) at age 15 as it is at age 50. EQ, on the other hand, is a flexible skill that is readily learned. Although some people are naturally more emotionally intelligent than others, you can develop a high EQ even if you aren’t born with it.
When emotional intelligence was first discovered, it served as the missing link in a peculiar finding: people with the highest IQs outperform those with average IQs just 20% of the time, while people with average IQs outperform those with the highest IQs 70% of the time. This anomaly threw a massive wrench into what many people had always assumed was the source of success—IQ. Scientists realized there must be another variable that explained success above and beyond one’s IQ, and years of research and numerous studies pointed to EQ as the critical factor.
No matter whether people measure high or low in EQ, they can work to improve it, and those who score low can actually catch up to their coworkers. Researchers at the business school at the University of Queensland in Australia discovered that people who are low in EQ and demonstrate poorer job performance can match their colleagues who excel in both—solely by working to improve their EQ.
Of all the people we’ve studied at work, we have found that 90% of top performers are also high in EQ. On the flip side, just 20% of bottom performers are high in EQ. You can be a top performer without EQ, but the chances are slim. People who develop their EQ tend to be successful on the job because the two go hand in hand. Naturally, people with high EQ make more money—an average of $29,000 more per year than people with low EQ. The link between EQ and earnings is so direct that every point increase in EQ adds $1,300 on average to an annual salary. These findings hold true for leaders in all industries in every region of the world. We haven’t yet been able to find a job in which performance and pay aren’t tied closely to EQ. As you might expect, emotional intelligence is more important to success in leadership positions than any other skill.
Of the 12 skills that define adaptive leadership, four are emotional intelligence skills. The four emotional intelligence skills pair up under two primary competencies: personal competence and social competence. Personal competence is made up of your self-awareness and self-management skills, which focus more on you individually than on your interactions with other people. Personal competence is your ability to stay aware of your emotions and manage your behavior and tendencies. Social competence is made up of your social awareness and relationship management skills; social competence is your ability to understand other people’s moods, behavior, and motives to proactively improve the quality of your relationships.
The four skills that make up emotional intelligence. The top two skills, self-awareness and self-management, are more about you. The bottom two skills, social awareness and relationship management, are more about how you are with other people.
Self-awareness is your ability to accurately perceive your own emotions in the moment and understand your tendencies across situations. Self-awareness includes staying on top of your typical reactions to specific events, challenges, and people. A keen understanding of your tendencies is important; it helps you quickly make sense of your emotions.
Self-awareness is not about discovering deep, dark secrets or unconscious motivations; rather, it comes from developing a straightforward and honest understanding of what makes you tick. Leaders high in self-awareness are remarkably clear in their understanding of what they do well, what motivates and satisfies them, and which people and situations push their buttons.
Self-awareness is a foundational skill: when you have it, self-awareness makes the other emotional intelligence skills much easier to use and the other adaptive leadership skills easier to incorporate into your repertoire. As self-awareness increases, people’s satisfaction with life—defined as their ability to reach their goals at work and at home—skyrockets. Self-awareness is so important for job performance that 83% of people high in self-awareness are top performers, and just 2% of bottom performers are high in self-awareness. When you are self-aware, you are far more likely to pursue the right opportunities, put your strengths to work, and—perhaps most importantly—keep your emotions from holding you back.
To be self-aware is to know yourself as you really are. Initially, self-awareness can come across as a somewhat ambiguous concept. There is no finish line where someone is going to slap a medal on you and deem you a “self-aware” leader. In addition, awareness of yourself is not just knowing that you’re a people person. It’s deeper than that. Getting to know yourself inside and out is a continuous journey of peeling back the layers of the onion and becoming more and more comfortable with what is in the middle—the true essence of you.
Your hardwired emotional reactions to anything come before you even have a chance to respond. Since it isn’t possible to leave your emotions out of the equation, managing yourself and your relationships means you first need to be aware of the full range of your feelings, both positive and negative.
The need for self-awareness in leaders has never been greater. Guided by the mistaken notion that psychology deals exclusively with pathology, we assume that the only time to learn about ourselves is in the face of crisis. We tend to embrace those things with which we’re comfortable, and put the blinders on the moment something makes us uncomfortable. But it’s really the whole picture that serves us. The more you understand the beauty and the blemishes, the better you are able to achieve your full potential as a leader.
The strategies that follow will help you increase your self-awareness and increase the alignment between what you know about yourself and what others see.
A high degree of self-awareness requires a willingness to discover things about yourself that you aren’t currently aware of. This can be unsettling at times, especially when you discover things that you’d like to improve. In these moments, just remember that you can’t improve your self-awareness without broadening your self-knowledge, and any discomfort you experience means you’re moving in the right direction. This effort will be well worth it as increasing your self-awareness will make it much easier to increase your abilities in the other adaptive leadership skills.
When you don’t take time out to notice and understand your emotions, they have a strange way of resurfacing when you least expect or want them to. It’s their way of trying to bring something important to your attention. They will persist, and the damage will mount, until you take notice. When you get a nagging feeling, focus on it until you uncover the source of the feeling (why you are feeling this way). You’ll be surprised by how quickly and definitively understanding an emotion strips away its power.
Emotions are a great source of data. The only way to genuinely understand your emotions is to spend enough time thinking through them to figure out where they are coming from and why they are there. Emotions always serve a purpose. Many times they seem to arise out of thin air, and it’s important to understand why something gets a reaction out of you. Adaptive leaders who do this well can cut to the core of a feeling quickly. Situations that create strong emotions will often require more thought, and these prolonged periods of self-reflection can keep you from doing something that you’ll regret.
Facing the truth about who you are and how you operate can at times be unsettling. Getting in touch with your emotions and tendencies takes honesty and courage. Be patient and give yourself credit for even the smallest amounts of forward momentum. Starting to notice things about yourself that you weren’t previously aware of (things you aren’t always going to like) means you are progressing. Take pride in this.
Like it or not, your emotional state as a leader has a contagious effect upon everyone in your organization. Just as people look to leaders for guidance and direction, their emotions are primed by the emotional state of the leaders they follow. Get familiar with all of the ways in which your emotions prime the emotional state of your people.
The surprising thing about self-awareness is that just thinking about it helps you improve the skill, even though much of your focus initially tends to be on what you do “wrong.” Having self-awareness means you aren’t afraid of your emotional “mistakes.” They tell you what you should be doing differently and provide the steady stream of information you need to understand the impact you are having as a leader.
Objective, constructive feedback is a powerful tool for increasing your self-awareness. Such feedback is also a scarce commodity for leaders, because fear of reprisal (real or imagined) keeps people from speaking their minds. Your peers and boss will likely be honest with you if you schedule some time for a chat, explain that you are working on your self-awareness, and ask pointed questions. As for your direct reports, you’re better off collecting feedback through an anonymous, constructive tool such as the 360° Refined™ assessment that came with this book. The feedback you receive if you unlock the full assessment will open your eyes to things you would otherwise never have the chance to discover.
When you’re ready for a real self-awareness challenge, pay careful attention to the things that other people do that irk or annoy you. With all the quirky and unusual things that people do every day, you’d think that they’d constantly annoy you. Instead, only select things that people do really get your goat. These things annoy you because they reveal something that you don’t like about yourself. The next time people drive you bonkers, think about what it is that they are doing and how this reveals something that you don’t like about yourself. Typically, you’ll find (if you look hard enough) that you do the same thing they’re doing.
If you truly work to increase your self-awareness, it is a life-altering experience and one that you will not regret. What you learn about yourself will have a profound impact upon your leadership.
What people who work with him say:
“Alton is very aware of his emotional state and how it will affect the team. If he’s having a bad day, he warns people. He stays incredibly composed when people around him aren’t, and is able to think long range.”
“Alton is in tune with his feelings, both positive and negative. He knows what bothers him and what gets in his way. He told me once that he used to seek public recognition for almost everything he did. He used to stew about it, until a mentor pointed out that a leader’s role is to give recognition to others. He knew it wasn’t helping him, and he was able to let go of the need for it.”
“If Alton gets frustrated, he seems to notice before we do and does something about it. We never have to deal with it because he is amazingly quick about somehow funneling it into something helpful.”
* Scores are on the 1- to 6-point scale (1=never and 6=always) from the 360° Refined™ test. Scores represent the average rating received from all who rated the executive. Scores and coworker comments are from actual people, though names and other identifying information have been altered.
What people who work with her say:
“Saakshi is very adept at knowing what her strengths are as a leader. She knows how she is reacting to something, and adapts her style for maximum effect. She’s got a big personality, and I’ve seen her tone it down without losing who she is altogether.”
“No matter what is going on with Saakshi, she can always explain where she’s coming from and move the conversation forward. She’s a straight shooter, she’s honest, and I think people appreciate her for that. They never take what she’s saying to them personally.”
“When Saakshi faces a challenge at work, she’s so aware and open about what she is feeling, more than other execs I’ve worked for. She’s really honest about what she is going through and how things look from her perspective.”
What people who work with her say:
“I wish Terry would be more aware of how her mood affects those around her. She comes across as suspicious of people, as though they do not have the company’s best interests at heart. I’m sure she has no idea that she comes across this way, and it makes us feel she doesn’t trust us.”
“Too often Terry gets caught up in assigning blame rather than understanding her role in creating the issue she’s upset about in the first place.”
“Terry has no clue about how reckless she is with her comments about directors in front of their peers or employees. She talks about current and past management and shares information about them she should not, or makes derogatory remarks about them. This creates a lack of trust, as you have to wonder what she’ll say about you. She has no clue how bad this makes her look.”
What people who work with him say:
“When Hugh is feeling stressed, it is felt throughout the department. His mood is palpable around here. I truly believe anything Hugh has done or said is not on purpose or meant to be hurtful; it is just a reaction to the moment and the stress he is feeling.”
“Hugh doesn’t know his personal limits. He appears to me to be constantly uptight or stressed. He needs to seize opportunities to get away from the rat race to quiet his worries and restore himself because he’s dragging everybody else down with him.”
“Hugh wears his heart on his sleeve, and does not recognize that his stress level affects others. He needs to realize that everyone is watching him and how he reacts to things as a member of the leadership team.”
Self-management is what happens when you act—or do not act. It depends on your self-awareness and is the second component of personal competence. Self-management is your ability to use your awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and direct your behavior to positive outcomes. This means managing your emotional reactions to situations and people.
Self-management is more than resisting explosive or problematic behavior. The biggest challenge that leaders face is managing their tendencies over time and applying their self-management skills in various situations. Obvious and momentary opportunities for self-control (e.g., “I’m so mad at my assistant!”) are the easiest to spot and manage. Real results come from putting your momentary needs on hold to pursue larger, more important goals. The realization of such goals is often delayed, meaning that your commitment to self-management will be tested repeatedly. Leaders who manage themselves the best are able to see things through without cracking. Success comes to those who can continually manage their tendencies.
Self-management builds upon a foundational skill—self-awareness. Ample self-awareness is necessary for effective self-management because you can choose how to respond to an emotion actively only when you’re aware of it and understand it. Since we’re hardwired to experience emotions before we can respond to them, it’s the one-two punch of reading emotions effectively and then reacting to them that sets the best self-managers apart. The strategies that follow will help you to become one of them.
As a leader, you set the emotional tone in your organization. The behavior you demonstrate—in particular under the influence of strong emotions—primes the emotional state of your people. Expressing positive emotions—in the form of energy, enthusiasm, and a belief in the future—motivates and inspires your people. Expressing negative emotions has the opposite effect. Getting irritable or being down brings other people down with you. When you get jumpy and overreact to things people say and do, your behavior has a negative, contagious effect upon all who witness it. Develop the self-awareness needed to recognize when you are feeling and behaving this way. When you catch yourself doing it, apologize first. Then slow down, remain objective, and model the behavior you want to see in your people.
Self-management requires using awareness of your emotions to choose actively what you say and do. On the surface, it may seem that self-management is simply a matter of taking a deep breath and keeping yourself in check when emotions come on strong. Although it’s true that self-control in these situations is a sizeable piece of the pie, there’s far more to self-management than putting a cork in it when you’re about to blow up. Your eruptions are no different from a volcano—there are all sorts of rumblings happening beneath the surface before the lava starts flowing. Unlike a volcano, you can do subtle things every day to influence what is happening beneath the surface. You just need to learn how to pick up on the rumbling and respond to it. Doing so makes it much easier to manage your emotions.
If you focus only on negative emotions like anxiety, anger, or irritation, you’re missing half the picture when it comes to self-management. Positive emotions need managing, too, especially in business where leaders have a tendency to think they walk on water when things are going well. Positive emotions can cloud your thinking and lead you to make poor choices just as easily as the negative ones.
When you don’t stop to think about your feelings (including how they are influencing your behavior now and will continue to do so in the future), you set yourself up to be a frequent victim of emotional hijackings. Whether you’re aware of them or not, your emotions will control you, and you’ll move through your day reacting to your feelings with little choice in what you say and do. Develop the ability to size yourself up quickly and grab the reins before your emotions hijack your behavior.
Walking your talk is hard, especially when life is always throwing you curveballs. Sometimes, the biggest letdowns are private ones—when we fail to reach a goal or do what we set out to do. There is no more powerful motivator for reaching your goals than making them public. If you clearly tell other people what you are setting out to accomplish, their awareness of your progress creates an incredible sense of accountability. Much of self-management comes down to motivation, and you can use the expectations that other people have of you as a powerful force to get you up off the proverbial couch.
Some emotions create a paralyzing fear that makes your thinking so cloudy that the best course of action is nowhere to be found—assuming that there is something you should be doing. In these cases, self-management is revealed by your ability to tolerate the uncertainty as you explore your emotions and options. Once you understand and build comfort with what you are feeling, the best course of action will show itself.
If you’re constantly trying to stuff feelings down, you’re going to struggle at self-management. Effective self-managers are able to channel emotions into the behavior they want. For example, you can use anxiety and stress about an upcoming deadline to sharpen your focus. Think about what you are feeling and what you need to accomplish, and you’ll be surprised how quickly the former helps you achieve the latter.
Research suggests the average person has about 50,000 thoughts every day. There is a strong connection between what you think and how you feel, both physically and emotionally. Our thoughts are “talking” to us every day, and this inner voice is called “self-talk.”
When a rush of emotion comes over you, your thoughts can turn the heat up or down. With thoughts being the primary vehicle for regulating your emotional flow, what you allow yourself to think can rumble emotions to the surface, stuff them down underground, and intensify and prolong an emotional experience. By learning to control your self-talk, you can keep yourself focused on the right things and manage your emotions effectively.
A high level of self-management ensures you aren’t getting in your own way and doing things that limit your success. It also ensures you aren’t frustrating other people to the point that they resent or dislike you. When you understand your own emotions and can respond the way you choose to them, you have the power to take control of difficult situations, react nimbly to change, and take the initiative needed to achieve your goals.
What people who work with him say:
“I have great respect for an individual who does not ‘lose it’ in times of adversity. A couple of times things have gone totally wrong, and throughout it all, Lionel channeled his emotions and passion in ways that were constructive. He knew how to inject positive humor into the mix.”
“Lionel has great skill in handling himself no matter what the circumstance. He is able to deal with a wide range of employee situations, good and bad, with a calm approach. He possesses a strong ability to communicate under pressure, which garners respect from certain board members! They could learn a few things from Lionel’s brand of leadership.”
“Lionel is evenhanded and even-tempered in dealing with stress (and he has had a lot of stress lately). I don’t know how he does it exactly, but he always seems to find the source of problems and appropriately and effectively resolve them.”
* Scores are on the 1- to 6-point scale (1=never and 6=always) from the 360° Refined™ test. Scores represent the average rating received from all who rated the executive. Scores and coworker comments are from actual people, though names and other identifying information have been altered.
What people who work with her say:
“Throughout the many years I have worked with her, I have never seen Yvonne lose her temper, even during major conflicts faced by the teams she’s led. I did observe her get mad once during a meeting, but I’m convinced she did it on purpose to grab everyone’s attention and get us all to stop and regroup.”
“One sign of Yvonne’s leadership success is her even-keeled manner in the way she interacts with adversity and handles it adeptly. She creates no emotional drag for the people who work for her.”
“Yvonne is a great communicator and remains calm and unflappable in tough situations. During her transition from director to VP, she effectively communicated her goals while maintaining calm, displaying confidence, and including everyone in the process.”
What people who work with her say:
“I wish Maritza would get better at managing her emotions and not fly off the handle. Her mood changes hourly from rational to putting everyone on edge. Sometimes it is like walking on eggshells around here, and to be honest, it’s quite stressful. You never know what might send her over the edge.”
“One minute Maritza is calm and collected, and then all of a sudden she will become agitated. These episodes are usually triggered by misunderstandings about her instructions. She will get up from her seat several times and raise her voice, directing negative comments at whomever she thinks didn’t understand. She does not allow the unlucky targets to speak during these times and often interrupts them when they try. Once she’s done saying her piece, she refuses to let anyone rebut or respond in any way. Then she moves on as if nothing has happened!”
“Maritza has a temper and can get very angry and refuse to compromise or back down. I have seen her arguing with people and speaking very disrespectfully—not in keeping with our values. I want Maritza to know that this is seriously hurting her career and advancement because people don’t want to work with or for her.”
What people who work with him say:
“Kyung needs to slow down, reflect on what needs to be addressed with the person he is speaking to, and provide the most accurate and direct information as possible. When explaining something, he tends to speak quickly and give multiple scenarios, which can be overwhelming and cause people to check out or say they understand something they really don’t.”
“Sometimes the speed at which Kyung tries to accomplish the work and the speed that he expects from us is too much. He is so bright that he leaves others behind and then gets frustrated that they are not keeping up. His frustration is what turns off the group he is trying to solicit ideas from.”
“He should spend a little of his time thinking not only about what he is going to say but also how he is going to say it. Otherwise, I think he will continue to watch people clam up and will continue to get upset. Oftentimes he appears to become so focused on accomplishing his own goals that he doesn’t keep the rest of us informed. This will negatively affect our recent commitment at the executive team meeting to get out of our silos.”
As the first component of social competence, social awareness is a foundational skill. Social awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on with them. This often means perceiving what other people are thinking and feeling even if you do not feel the same way. It’s easy to get caught up in your own emotions and forget to consider the perspective of the other party. Social awareness ensures you stay focused and absorb critical information.
Have you ever had your boss approach you, and without saying anything, he or she understood what kind of day you were having and where your mind was wandering? She knew you must have come from a meeting with so-and-so because she could “see it” all over your face. She knew it was probably time to let you vent, instead of asking for that favor she had in mind. She must have picked up on something.
Or how about that waiter who seems to “just know” what each of his customers needs: one couple is in their own world and prefers to be alone; another couple welcomes some fresh conversation from a new person, while another table wants professional and polite service, minus the small talk. Everyone’s sitting at a table to eat and drink and be served, and yet there’s so much below the surface that makes each table unique. How does he quickly size up these tables and know their needs?
This perceptive leader and waiter have a high level of social awareness, a skill they use to recognize and understand the moods of other individuals and entire groups of people. Though these two may be seasoned veterans at this, it is a skill that they most likely learned and practiced over time. Instead of looking inward to learn about and understand yourself, social awareness is looking outward to learn about and appreciate others. Social awareness is centered on your ability to recognize and understand the emotions of other people. Tuning into others’ emotions as you interact with them will help you get a more accurate view of your surroundings, which affects everything from relationships to the bottom line.
To build your social awareness skills, you will find yourself observing people in all kinds of situations. You may be observing someone from afar while you’re in an airport, or you may be right in the middle of a conversation observing the person to whom you are speaking. You will learn to pick up on body language, facial expressions, posture, and tone of voice. The strategies that follow will help you to increase your social awareness skills.
Listening and observing are the most important elements of social awareness. To listen well and observe what’s going on around us, we have to stop doing many things we like to do. We have to stop talking, stop the monologue that may be running through our minds, stop anticipating the point the other person is about to make, and stop thinking ahead to what we are going to say next. It takes practice to really watch people as you interact with them, to get a good sense of what they are thinking and feeling.
At times when you’re working on increasing your social awareness, you’ll feel like an anthropologist. Anthropologists make their living watching others in their natural state without letting their own thoughts and feelings disturb the observation. This is social awareness in its purest form. The difference is you won’t be 100 yards away watching events unfold through a pair of binoculars. To be socially aware, you have to spot and understand people’s emotions while you’re right there in the middle—a contributing, yet astutely aware, member of the interaction.
Emotions are contagious, meaning they spread from one or two people until there’s a palpable and collective mood that you can feel at some level. When you enter a room, scan it and notice whether you feel and see energy or quiet, subdued calm. Notice how people are arranging themselves. Are they alone or in groups? Are they talking and moving their hands? Are some more animated than others? What is your gut telling you about them? The sooner you can hone your ability to spot moods in groups, the more skilled you will be as a leader of people.
Even the most socially aware people have off-days or situations they can’t quite read. In these cases, there’s a social awareness strategy to get the answers you need: just ask. Whether you’re a novice or an expert in social awareness, we all need to confirm social observations at some point. The best way to test your accuracy is to simply ask if what you’re observing in people or situations is actually what’s occurring.
Maybe you have run into Steve at work and noticed that he has a sullen look on his face with his head hanging low and his eyes never looking up from the ground. You ask how he is doing and he says he is doing “just fine.” Your evidence is telling you otherwise—he says he’s fine, but he doesn’t appear to be fine. In this moment, ask a reflective question to clarify what you are seeing. Say something like, “It looks like you are feeling down about something. Did something happen?” Simply stating what evidence you see (it looks like you are feeling down) and asking a direct question (did something happen?) is a reflective statement at its best. You will likely hear whatever he wants you to know for now; but you’ve reached out to Steve and let him know that you are interested.
Testing your observations for accuracy will ultimately give you a keener understanding of social situations, and help you pick up on cues that usually fly under the radar. If you don’t ask, you’ll never be certain.
As a leader, you need to be in tune with your people and aware of what’s happening around the office. Going on a short tour of the office every day will help you get in tune with other people and their emotions, and refocus your attention on some of the smaller yet critical social cues that exist right under your nose. Things to look for include the look and feel of people’s workspaces, the timing of when different people move around the office, and which people seek interaction versus those who are chained to their desks all day. Other people’s actions and moods can provide you with critical hints about how things are going collectively.
Like self-awareness, social awareness is a journey rather than a destination. Your goal should be a continual sharpening of the saw so that you maintain the perspective that connects you with your people.
What people who work with him say:
“Arie has a knack for connecting emotionally with everyone. He seems to really be able to pick up on what people are feeling. He listens well and offers supportive counsel. He’s also a great question-asker.”
“He’s particularly good at picking up emotional cues from people and tailoring his interactions appropriately. If you’re having a bad day, Arie can recognize that and encourage you. He also takes time to get to know people and invest in whoever reports to him. He’s been a big encouragement to me.”
“Arie has a way of hearing what is really being said, reading the mood of the room, and expressing in words what he feels needs to be said. For example, I was once in a task force meeting, and the group had been slogging through a project for several months. Arie noticed not everyone was engaged and suggested we needed to evaluate who the key stakeholders in the room were to keep moving the project forward. He framed it that the project focus had changed from its original plan. It gave an opportunity for folks to save face and step down and let others move things forward.”
* Scores are on the 1- to 6-point scale (1=never and 6=always) from the 360° Refined™ test. Scores represent the average rating received from all who rated the executive. Scores and coworker comments are from actual people, though names and other identifying information have been altered.
What people who work with her say:
“Vivienne has definitely set herself on the path of becoming a really strong leader. She is very goal oriented, which I appreciate, but she used to be seen as pushy. The new and improved Vivienne pays more attention to what others bring to the table. She has learned that as well as strong opinions, executives bring a lot of emotions into the room. Vivienne now addresses how others on the executive team feel about her goals before setting out on her own course.”
“Since last year, Vivienne appears to now understand that by dealing with the reactions of her peers more constructively, her initiatives stay on track, and the others support her rather than fight her or stab her in the back.”
“Perception is very important. I am really impressed with what Vivienne has been able to do to turn around how she notices people’s responses to what she’s saying. Her peers see the progress and appreciate it.”
What people who work with him say:
“I wish Jim would get better at communicating at various levels and with different types of people. He could do this through direct contact, and by genuinely inviting and truly listening to others’ ideas that may differ from his own. This is really what holds him back from his career aspirations.”
“Jim tends to have conversations while looking at his watch, working on the computer, or looking at notes or paperwork while others are talking, giving off signals that he does not value what is being said or who is saying it. He becomes disengaged if what you are saying is not of personal interest to him, unless it involves numbers or profit/loss. It appears to me that he is not really listening or noticing body language, tone, or the emotions of others.”
“Jim responds to the words he hears, rather than considering the greater personal impact of what is being discussed. This happens one-on-one and in meetings, and is observed by most who are present. All eyes are on Jim and his actions.”
What people who work with her say:
“Cheryl lacks sensitivity. She doesn’t listen well and speaks when inappropriate. Her delivery style lacks compassion. She isn’t approachable and doesn’t seem to notice that her audience is disengaged. When other people are speaking, you can tell that she isn’t really listening to what they have to say.”
“Cheryl puts others down, knowingly or unknowingly. She has a narrow view of how things should be and doesn’t deviate from that view. An easy example is I’ve heard her make comments like, ‘It must be nice to go to lunch.’ This inadvertently insults the work ethic someone else has without seeking first to understand more about the person, his or her schedule, workload, or commitments.”
“I believe that Cheryl really wants the best for people and isn’t a mean person, but she really misses the boat when it comes to understanding people. She wants to honor people by giving them freedom, but when she doesn’t see things getting done her way she yanks back the power and micromanages. It leaves people feeling misunderstood, chastised, and unable to proceed. I don’t see her even noticing or understanding any of this.”
Though relationship management is the second component of social competence, this skill often taps into your abilities in the first three emotional intelligence skills: self-awareness, self-management, and social awareness. Relationship management is your ability to use your awareness of your own emotions and those of others to manage interactions successfully. This ensures clear communication and effective handling of conflict. As a leader, you will find this skill is critical as you work to cultivate relationships across the organization.
Conflicts at work tend to fester when leaders passively avoid problems. This typically happens because leaders lack the skills needed to initiate a direct, yet constructive, conversation. Conflicts at work tend to explode when leaders don’t manage their anger or frustration, and choose to take it out on other people. Relationship management gives you the skills you need to avoid both scenarios, and make the most out of every interaction you have with another person.
Most people have a spring in their step and put their best foot forward when they are in a new relationship (work or otherwise), but they stumble and lose their footing trying to maintain relationships over the long term. Reality soon sets in that the honeymoon phase is officially over.
The truth is, all relationships take work, even the great ones that seem effortless. We’ve all heard this, but do we really get it?
Working on a relationship takes time, effort, and knowhow. The know-how is emotional intelligence. If you want a relationship that has staying power and grows over time, and in which your needs and the other person’s needs are satisfied, the final EQ skill—relationship management—is just what the doctor ordered. The strategies that follow will help you to make it happen.
Relationship management taps into the three other emotional intelligence skills that you’re familiar with—self-awareness, self-management, and social awareness. You use your self-awareness skills to notice your feelings and judge if your needs are being satisfied. You use your self-management skills to express your feelings in a manner that benefits the relationship. Finally, you use your social awareness skills to better understand the other person’s needs and feelings.
Feelings express truth, and they have a way of rising to the surface through our reactions and body language, despite the words we choose. Telling your staff in a muted voice and frowning face that they did a great job on the product launch (because you’re preoccupied with something else) doesn’t cut the mustard. People trust what they see over what they hear. Make sure you don’t confuse and frustrate others by saying one thing when your body language suggests another.
Relationship management poses the greatest challenge for most people, especially leaders, during times of stress. When you consider that more than 70% of the people we’ve tested have difficulty handling stress, it’s easy to see why building and sustaining quality relationships poses a challenge for leaders as they maneuver through stressful situations at work. The more stress you’re under, the more energy and focus you need to dedicate to your relationships.
The biggest mistake we see leaders make when it comes to building quality relationships is they go to great lengths to prove that they are right at somebody else’s expense. It may feel good in the moment to “win” the interaction, but you’re really losing by eroding the quality of the relationship.
In the end, no man is an island, and no leader can do it alone; relationships are an essential and fulfilling part of doing business. They are critical to the success of an organization that is driven by people. Since you set the tone for how relationships are formed in your organization, you are responsible for modeling strong, collaborative relationships. Make effective relationships a priority and watch the effort bear fruit across the organization.
Tackling tough conversations head-on is a powerful way for leaders to manage relationships effectively. It’s essential that you do it and do it well. Whether a staff member is sore at getting passed over for a promotion or team members are in conflict, you need to step up, take the lead, and help everyone maneuver through the problem. Here’s how you do it:
i. Start with agreement.
Start the discussion with common ground. Whether simply agreeing that the discussion will be hard but important or agreeing on a shared goal, create a feeling of accord. For example: “Judith, I first want you to know that I value you, and I’m sorry that you learned about the promotion from someone other than me. I’d like to use this time to explain the situation. I’d also like to hear from you.”
ii. Ask the person to help you understand his or her side.
People want to be heard—if they don’t feel heard, frustration rises. Before frustration enters the picture, beat it to the punch and ask people to share their point of view. Focus on understanding where people are coming from. In Judith’s case, this would sound like, “Judith, along the way I want to make sure you feel comfortable sharing what’s on your mind. I’d like to make sure I understand your perspective.”
iii. Resist the urge to plan a “comeback” or a rebuttal.
Your brain cannot listen and prepare to speak at the same time. In this case, Judith has been passed over for a promotion that she was very interested in and qualified for, and she found out about it through the grapevine. Let’s face it—if you’d like to maintain the relationship, you need to be quiet, listen to her shock and disappointment, and resist the urge to defend yourself.
iv. Help the other person understand your side, too.
Now it’s your turn to help the other person understand your perspective. Describe your thoughts, your ideas, and the reasons behind your actions. Communicate clearly and simply; don’t speak in circles or in code. This ability to explain your thoughts and directly address others in a compassionate way during a difficult situation is key to great relationship management.
v. Move the conversation forward.
Once you understand each other’s perspective, even if there’s disagreement, someone has to move things along. In the case of Judith, it’s you. Try to find some common ground again. Say something like, “Well, I’m so glad you came to me directly and that we had the opportunity to talk about it. I understand your position, and it sounds like you understand mine. I’m still invested in your development and would like to work with you on getting the experience you need. What are your thoughts?”
vi. Keep in touch.
The resolution to a tough conversation needs attention even after you leave it, so check progress frequently, ask the other person if he or she is satisfied, and keep in touch as you move forward. You are half of what it takes to keep a relationship oiled and running smoothly. Regarding Judith, meeting with her regularly to talk about her career advancement and promotion potential would continue to show her that you care about her progress.
Managing your emotions effectively is fundamental to your success as a leader. Unfortunately, the format of Leadership 2.0 doesn’t give us the opportunity to explore emotional intelligence in any more depth than we have in this chapter. If you’re looking for additional strategies for improving this critical skill, you should consider reading our other book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0. Emotional Intelligence 2.0 has 66 detailed strategies for improving your emotional intelligence, as well as access to the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal® test, which pinpoints the strategies in the book that will increase your EQ the most.
What people who work with her say:
“Ming is very gifted in personal relationships. She finds out who people are, what makes them tick, and how she can connect with them. It’s easy to see how much she values people. This often creates a natural trust between her and everyone who works for her.”
“Ming is very strong at relating to team members not just in her department, but across business units. She is well respected because of the relationships that she has built over the years. She represents herself in a manner becoming of our brand.”
“She is an extremely friendly person, but Ming does not compromise her work ethic and work responsibilities to be ‘friends’; rather, she uses this skill to benefit the collaboration process across the company. She works very well in a matrix environment. She knows how to develop relationships by providing value on her side of the relationship equation and encouraging others to provide value as well.”
* Scores are on the 1- to 6-point scale (1=never and 6=always) from the 360° Refined™ test. Scores represent the average rating received from all who rated the executive. Scores and coworker comments are from actual people, though names and other identifying information have been altered.
What people who work with him say:
“Carl has terrific relationships with clients. They trust his knowledge and personable consistency over time. In many instances, they act as if Carl works for them. He is especially adept at problem solving. He is able to easily identify and address the root of problems or concerns rather than getting caught up in emotions and negativity. This has a tendency to create a very special bond that translates into client retention.”
“Carl quickly gains the trust of people who work for him. He listens well, and has a soft approach when dealing with change and difficult situations. He addresses these things head-on without it becoming an awkward confrontation. This makes him a real asset when dealing with challenges.”
“Carl is a genuine, reliable, respectful, and understanding leader. He has the ability to empathize with people and make them trust and believe him. He makes you want to work for him and leads by example.”
What people who work with her say:
“I wish Anne were better with relationships. She tends to talk down to people and doesn’t take their needs and desires into consideration. She also doesn’t take criticism well, and can be very abrasive when presented with information she doesn’t agree with.”
“Her peers don’t notice the smart and interesting work Anne produces because they have been so badly burned by her unkind words. It worries me that people on the team forget the great contribution that she brings to the team because she has this issue. I encourage her to do what it takes to manage frustration and her relationships more effectively and improve her reputation.”
“Anne allows her moods to affect her work and work relationships. At times, she allows her emotions to cloud her objectivity and her treatment of others, which alienates them from her. She can be abrasive and dismissive of others. This has caused a loss of trust among those who report to her or have to work closely with her.”
What people who work with him say:
“Darius needs to get to know all of the people who work with and for him on a personal and emotional level. Some feel very comfortable coming and talking to him while others have commented that they don’t feel comfortable and connected to him. I believe that this is because relationships have not been built and interactions feel transactional.”
“Darius is challenged in building relationships with people and has some social awkwardness. He may mean well or want to, but he seems challenged in building relationships with most of his staff, particularly directors. This disconnect may create lack of trust, less initiative, and resentment among his management team.”
“Darius needs to understand the way his actions and words affect the people around him. He can be completely oblivious to the relationship issues he creates with our partners on a day-to-day basis. Darius would be smart to allow others to be experts in their particular area. I truly believe that he thinks he can do everyone’s job better than they can. This is not only offensive, but also totally demotivating. Darius could also improve on collaboration. I think he could move the organization ever further forward by rallying different functions to his side.”