EPILOGUE

AFTER YOU HIT SEND: WHY CONFESS OUR UNTRUE, UNKIND, UNNECESSARY, AND UNCLEAR STATEMENTS?

The wise King Solomon revealed these discerning words to us in Proverbs 6:2–3: “If you have been snared with the words of your mouth, have been caught with the words of your mouth, do this then, my son, and deliver yourself; since you have come into the hand of your neighbor, go, humble yourself, and importune your neighbor.”

“But why, Emerson? Why must I confess these communication failings of mine? That’s not how it was done in my family while growing up. We simply went to bed and started the next day all over, as though everything was okay. If I had been unkind, they knew I didn’t mean to be. If I was unclear, they eventually figured it all out. Why do I need to revisit every untrue, unkind, unnecessary, and unclear word? Can’t we just let it go? Besides, I don’t see people apologizing on social media after tweeting lies about a political candidate, writing rudely about a spouse on Facebook, wrongly speculating about an investment opportunity for self-serving purposes, or being intentionally unclear in an e-mail to employees about future layoffs. Others don’t say they are sorry, why should I?”

The answer for you is this: when you want to maintain the best possible relationship both with the one you offended as well as with God, you will make things right regardless of whether others do or do not and regardless of how things “worked” for your family while growing up.

Hear what Jesus had to say in Matthew 5:23–25: “If you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. Make friends quickly with your opponent.”

Not only is Jesus telling us to put a same-day-delivery rush fee on any apologies or reconciliations that need to be made, even before we come to worship God, He is also making it clear that this reconciliation we need to seek out immediately is about the other person having something against us, not about whether he should or shouldn’t feel this way. Even if we don’t feel the other person is justified for having something against us, it is the better part of wisdom to go quickly and humbly to make things right. In these instances we need to err on the side of caution. And for those of us who know for a fact that we said something wrong and offensive, there is no other healthy recourse. Sweeping it under the rug is putting a land mine under the rug, which we will soon step on.

Though showing up quickly and humbly seems like too much work, it saves a whole lot of time and work later. The quick response averts the problem from surging and spiraling out of control. Acting quickly and humbly prevents the offense from taking root.

Do you need more reasons for why we must confess our untrue, unkind, unnecessary, and unclear words? Not that biblical commands, especially those from the mouth of Jesus, are not enough, but here are some other practical reasons that perhaps you may not have thought of.

IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED, WE’D EXPECT OTHERS TO CONFESS TO US. If others were mean to us, lied to us, or were unclear in their communication to us, resulting in hurt feelings and unnecessary turmoil, but then denied their personal unresolved issues contributing to the problem, we’d be up in arms. We’d be saying, “Wow, can’t you at least humbly apologize for your part?”

Once again we go back to the Golden Rule, which we have addressed in every chapter of this book. Just as we should always ask ourselves before we speak, Am I about to communicate unto others in the way I would want others to communicate unto me? when we fail to do so and in turn hurt someone, we should also ask ourselves, If I had been communicated to in the untrue, unkind, unnecessary, or unclear way that I have just communicated, would I want the offender to apologize to me, the offended?

The answer, most assuredly, would be yes.

CONFESSION TRIGGERS THE BEGINNING OF A CHANGE. When we confess, what exactly are we doing? Not to be formulistic about confession, but consider several elements when doing so.

1. We confess that the way we spoke was wrong. “I was unkind,” or “I did not exactly tell the whole truth in that e-mail.” We must not try to make what we did appear okay or no big deal. It is best just to say, “I was wrong for what I posted on Facebook.” Wrong is wrong, as tough as that is to admit. But as we appreciate others who confess they were wrong, most folks will appreciate our maturity and humility.
2. We confess, “It was my fault.” None of us can stand the person who apologizes but adds a ton of excuses. “I was unkind, but it’s all your fault,” or “I lied, but you couldn’t handle the truth.” How convenient to believe we are puppets on a string, controlled by others who are at fault for our wrong communications. But people see through that in a heartbeat. Remember, my response is my responsibility.
3. By the way, we need not apologize for what they did wrong, but neither do we bring up what they did wrong. During confession, we leave that to them; otherwise, they will think we confess to get them to confess. So, for instance, if the exchange turned heated and both were at fault 50/50, we own up to our 50 percent without saying a word about them owning up to their 50 percent. Similar to what was just said, their response is their responsibility.
4. We seek forgiveness. We ask, “Will you forgive me for copying the boss on that e-mail to you?” It isn’t enough to tell others we are sorry. They could retort, “Who cares that you are sorry? What about my feelings?” Asking for forgiveness, not demanding it, lets them know we care about what they feel. They are in the driver’s seat on forgiveness. We are hoping they will forgive and allow for a new beginning since they are the ones who matter here. The offense came to them.
5. We state, “Here’s what I will do differently to communicate better next time.” The Bible teaches that there must be fruit in keeping with repentance. That’s reasonable. We would expect people who confess to us to change course. If they confess to harsh or unnecessary speech but do nothing to change, the confession is pointless.

CONFESSION MAKES THINGS RIGHT BETWEEN GOD AND US. We who believe in God have heard the prayer of the psalmist, “Let the words of my mouth . . . be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer” (Ps. 19:14). We know that our unlovingly untrue, unkind, unnecessary, and unclear words toward others affect God’s heart. God loves us no matter what we speak, but that doesn’t mean He approves or accepts every word we speak toward others. We know that when we sin against another, we also sin against God. When we confess to another, we need to also say, “Heavenly Father, forgive the words of my mouth.”

In the end, both with God and with those we offended, we need to take ownership of our untrue, unkind, unnecessary, and unclear words. While there is no guarantee the offended party will accept our apology, confession is good for our souls, as they say. When we do what is right after communicating what was wrong, we clear our consciences and experience inner peace. So let me ask you four final questions:

1. Do you need to go (write or call), quickly and humbly, to someone you may have offended?

               When we arrogantly ignore people whom we caused to feel deeply hurt, frustrated, angry, fearful, confused, or offended, we will not remedy the problem. The problem will fester, and, given they have the opportunity, they will enact punitive consequences.

2. Do you need to ask forgiveness from someone?

               There are seven words I recommend that each of us speak: “I am sorry. Will you forgive me?” We may need to add, “How can I make this right by you?” Because we don’t want people to harbor resentment toward us, we need to find out if they are willing to forgive us.

3. Is there someone you need to reconcile with heart-to-heart and be on friendly terms with once again?

               This is the major goal with the other person. It isn’t just to get through our confessions of wrongdoings so we can get out of there. It is to make friends, according to Jesus. This doesn’t mean we become the best of friends. We can be the best of friends with only a few people, but we can be on friendly terms with most folks. As best as we can, we must ensure that this individual is no longer an offended opponent dead set on retaliation.

4. Are you willing to seek reconciliation with another, if for no other reason than to please God?

                    Those of us who are Christ-followers need to observe the deepest point Jesus makes in the Matthew 5 passage quoted at the beginning of this conclusion. Jesus reveals that we are at the altar before God, seeking to offer Him our best, when we realize our brother has something against us. To Jesus that relationship has to be restored so that our relationship with God can be enjoyed. So that we can be in God’s presence with a clear conscience, the offended person in our lives takes precedence.

Sometimes we might find it necessary to write a note of apology as this woman did after she misspoke: “I am so sorry for relaying my message to you in a very unnecessary and attackful way. Please forgive me and I ask that you look past this and know that there is a lot on my plate right now and that I was speaking out of frustration because I am stressed. Please forgive my childish behavior. Will you?”

She made contact quickly and humbly. She entreated the other to forgive her. She did this with the goal of reconciling and being on friendly terms again. I also know she did this because she knew her relationship with God would not be what it could be until she made things right. And asking the question allowed her to learn if the other person did forgive, and allowed the other person to forgive.

At the retail counter we raise our voices in complaint and slam the clerk with a derogatory remark about the company. Lickety-split, we change our tone. “I need to apologize for that ugly comment. I was out of line. Truly, I am sorry. You didn’t deserve that. Will you forgive me?”

In an e-mail to a coworker, we blast him or her for dropping the ball on a project. After hitting send, we know we are out of line. As fast as our legs can carry us, we head to that person’s office to say, “Hey, I feel horrible about the e-mail I just sent. I am out of line. You have never said such things to me when I dropped the ball on you, but you have been most gracious. I am a jerk. Will you forgive me?”

During dinner at home, we go off on a mouthy teenager and stop midstream and clamp down and say, “I was wrong for reacting this way, especially piling on with stuff that wasn’t necessary for me to say. I am sorry. Will you forgive me? Then, let’s focus on what troubles you.”

In an e-mail to a few coworkers that started out as an invitation to a fantasy football league, we divulge information about another coworker who had a DUI and subsequently moved in with his mother because his wife kicked him out of the house. As others begin to respond, we feel it was not only wrong to disclose what we knew but our motive was also wrong; we were being vindictive because the person had not treated us kindly. Later we go in person to everyone who received the e-mail and apologize. “I was out of line for what I said. I need to ask you to forgive me.”

Easy to do? Usually not. Is it the right and best thing to do? Always.

We know this is the right and best thing to do because we expect people to do this toward us when the roles are reversed. When we are offended, we do not want people to ignore us. We do not appreciate hearing, “Get over it.” We can’t stand it when they say, “Sorry,” but could not care less about our feelings. On the other hand, our hearts are warmed when a person comes to us quickly and humbly to express sorrow and seek forgiveness, and asks us how he or she can make it right.

We are now back to the Golden Rule of true communication.