Usually, I love a Speech from the Throne. As far as politics go, it’s pure show business.
Everyone gets dressed up. There’s an actual throne for the Governor General and a little tiny chair for the Prime Minister to curl up in. And the whole thing starts when a dude in a funny hat marches up the hall and bangs on the door with an ebony rod topped with a golden lion.
It all went downhill after that. For starters, it went on forever. Avatar was shorter. Now, maybe it was the anticipation. After all, the Prime Minister closed down government for three months so he could “recalibrate.” Sometimes it’s hard to live up to the hype. When this happens in Hollywood, they bring in experts at the last minute to insert some sex and violence to distract the audience. Unfortunately, you can’t just insert a car chase in a Throne Speech, so the Tories did the next best thing: they announced the creation of—wait for it—Seniors’ Day.
Now, that’s good government! Because as we know, the greatest problem facing senior citizens on a fixed income in this country is that they don’t have a day. Like, you know, secretaries do. And then, how about that twist at the halfway point? The government announced the creation of a new award for volunteers called the Prime Minister’s Award, featuring—wait for it—the Prime Minister. How sexy is that?
And then, of course, the climax of the entire piece—they anounced that they wanted to rewrite the lyrics to “O Canada” to appeal to more women. Well, that went over really well, didn’t it? Especially in a week where the minister in charge of the status of women, Helena Guergis, is so far off the rails she’s not allowed within a hundred feet of an airport, let alone an open microphone.
So there you have it. They had three months to prepare, and the best they came up with was Seniors Day and a Prime Minister’s Award, and the only thing they tried to recalibrate was the national anthem. An idea that lasted two days. That’s not a Speech from the Throne; that’s a cry for help.