As far as I can tell there are only two activities in which I participate for no purpose other than fueling ridiculous fantasies: buying lottery tickets and writing sitcom scripts.
At any given time a half-dozen Mega Millions tickets lie crumpled at the bottom of my briefcase or gym bag, completely oblivious to the fact that they have zero chance of ever being scanned or manually checked against winning numbers in a newspaper. What’s the point? I know my odds of contracting chlamydia from a Peruvian nun are greater than those of winning a hundred million dollars, and I don’t care. I pay the Idiot Tax—you gotta be in it to win it!—so I can spend the following hour, sometimes more, sometimes less, thinking about all the philanthropic and completely selfish things I’d do with the money, stuff like opening a sanctuary for neglected dogs, paying for my nephews’ college tuitions, buying an apartment in Paris, and, if I win the really big jackpot, buying Twitter just so I can unplug the fucking thing.
Creating sitcoms serves a similar purpose. I’ll stay in bed for the weekend, usually only if the weather’s crappy in Connecticut, scribbling away with my favorite pen in a Moleskine notebook and bringing to life silly characters loosely based on people I know. I’ll imagine which actors will play the roles, what the sets should look like, which lines will get the most laughter when delivered correctly. And when I’m done, I throw the notebook in a drawer, never to be opened again.
Damon occasionally suggests that I show a script to my agent, but I can’t be bothered, I say. Hollywood will just ruin everything. Some prepubescent network executive will suggest the main character, a sexually repressed, middle-aged physics professor, be played by Khloé Kardashian or insist that instead of San Francisco the show take place in Wichita because San Francisco is “where all the gays live—doesn’t play well in the red states.” I prefer to let these things live in my mind, where I control everything.
Here, I’m including a sitcom script about a makeover show I wrote during a sleet storm that lasted two days. We could barely step outside the house because everything was covered in a solid inch of ice. Even our dog, Mary, was getting frustrated trying to pee. In her canine urinary crouch, she’d slide down the driveway like one of those Olympic curling stones. It was hilarious. In the evening over a bottle of port, Damon and I joked that we should bring a couple of brooms outside with us and furiously sweep the ice ahead of her to see how much speed she could gain. Maybe see if she could knock down a few frozen squirrels set up like bowling pins.
Just FYI: Don’t try to read between the lines for hidden digs at my What Not to Wear coworkers. Seriously. It’s complete fiction. No, seriously.
CHETLEY MELBOURNE, 45, hails from New Canaan, Connecticut. He’s a clothing stylist with a penchant for breaking into Broadway show tunes. He’s quirky, slightly snobby, mildly insecure, and impeccably dressed in an Old Hollywood style. Chetley began his career as a wardrobe intern on “Miss Saigon” and moved to Los Angeles when the show’s star, Lea Salonga, was invited to sing “A Whole New World” at the Oscars. (“They sent me there to steam her gown and I never looked back!”) Ever since his divorce two years ago, he’s been unable to find love because, as he says, “When you’re a gay single man over the age of 35 in Los Angeles, you might as well be a straight single woman over the age of 35 in Los Angeles—invisible.”
SHARNAY SIMMONS, 42, is originally from Toronto, where she attended a prestigious all-girls boarding school. At the age of 16 she was arrested for using a fake ID to enter a club during a weekend outing in New York City. On the bright side, a model scout had also been arrested that night for cocaine possession. The result was a lucrative and lengthy modeling career for Sharnay, which allowed her to travel the world, fine-tune her sense of style, and eventually become a fashion stylist on “You Look Fabulous.”
MINNIE MAI, 21, is a half-Chinese, half-Jewish makeup artist from Minneapolis. When her parents would not let her skip college to pursue a Hollywood makeup career, she doubled up on classes at Northwestern University and finished her bachelor’s degree in chemistry in two years. While in school she created a popular blog called “Mai Face” in which she tested every cosmetic known to womankind. It quickly became rated as the best beauty blog by many major women’s magazines. Minnie is energetic, smart (though a little immature), media-savvy, and always clad in the latest trends.
JUAN CARLOS RODRIGUEZ, 33, is a modern-day Warren Beatty in “Shampoo.” He’s Puerto Rican–American, very charming, and very attractive. His hairstyling career began in his mother’s shop in the South Bronx, where she put him to work at the age of 12 to keep him out of trouble. He eventually worked his way up to styling hair in Manhattan’s most exclusive salons and writing a very popular blog called “Whoomp, Hair It Is.” Juan Carlos is very aware of his good looks and is an equal-opportunity flirt, causing others to frequently question his sexuality.
FIONA WHITTINGCOMB, 39, is the executive producer of “You Look Fabulous.” Originally from London, Fiona is the queen of makeover television, having produced several shows in the genre for the BBC. Fiona comes off as superior and judgmental, not just because she’s British, but because she’s also a bitch.
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
Montage of clips from “You Look Fabulous”—a flashy makeover show.
CHETLEY (V.O.) Hi. My name is Chetley Melbourne, the guy from “You Look Fabulous.” I know, I know, you love that show. And why shouldn’t you. It’s the most successful makeover series in the history of television. “You Look Fabulous” stars me—that’s Chetley Melbourne if you weren’t paying attention—and Sharnay Simmons, as well as [BLEEP] and [BLEEP]. Well, it doesn’t star [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] anymore. Those two got fired, just earlier today as a matter of fact, and evidently things got a little ugly.
Security cam footage of one woman, face blurred, throwing punches wildly at guards, and a man, face blurred, on his hands and knees begging and sobbing.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) Sharnay and I did not get fired, although I wouldn’t have minded too much. She and I have been hosting this show for nine years. That’s a long time to be saying the same crap, over and over and over.
Repetitive clips of Sharnay and Chetley exclaiming “You look fabulous!” to women who have been made over.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) I guess I shouldn’t complain about my job. It pays the mortgage . . . on my mansion!
Shot of Chetley having a martini on a lounge chair in the backyard of a huge house. A handsome, shirtless pool boy is working nearby. Chetley winks to camera.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) But enough about me, at least for now. Let’s talk about Sharnay. Isn’t she pretty? A real natural beauty—if it’s natural to employ three hairstylists, two makeup artists, four wardrobe stylists, and one guy whose sole job it is to apply her liquid eyeliner.
Montage of assistants holding up dresses, jewelry, shoes, and wigs for Sharnay’s approval.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) In all these years, I’ve only seen her without makeup once. I literally mistook her for the home-health aide who takes care of my 92-year-old grandfather.
INT. HALLWAY – DAY CUT TO: Sharnay is walking in a bathrobe, hair in a sloppy bun, with her back to camera. CHETLEY comes from around the corner and mistakes her for someone else.
CHETLEY (CONT’D) (startled and worried) Oh my God, what are you doing here? Is something wrong with Pop-Pop?!? (realizes who she actually is, then awkwardly tries to cover) Oh . . . I mean, Hey! What’s up! Pop pop! Pip pip! See you later, yo!
INT. FIONA’S OFFICE – DAY
CHETLEY (V.O.) Yeah, I know. Not my best recovery, but I was scared! Anyway, we were called into Fiona’s office. She’s the producer of the show, as well as a complete and total B. You might assume that a soulless, backstabbing network executive and someone who has worked on a makeover series for almost a decade would have better fashion sense. But you’d be wrong.
CUT TO:
FIONA sits on her desk, flipping through some paperwork. She wears thigh-high black boots, skintight black leggings, and a very poufy, high-necked white blouse.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) Do you see this? Evidently today she’s taking her style inspiration from Keira Knightley. In “Pirates of the Caribbean.” I can’t even.
FIONA I know the two of you became very close friends of [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] over the years. Well, I’ve got some exciting news. They’ve been fired. And I’ve already received word that they’re suing the network. So, for all intents and purposes, we’re going to consider them dead. (smiles)
Sharnay and Chetley stare at each other blankly.
SHARNAY I want [BLEEP]’s parking space.
CHETLEY I want [BLEEP]’s dressing room.
SHARNAY I wanted [BLEEP]’s dressing room!
CHETLEY Well, I wanted [BLEEP]’s parking spot. Trade? Deal.
FIONA Your compassion is heartwarming.
CHETLEY (sings in an Ethel Merman voice) There’s no business like show business! (suddenly concerned) (MORE)
CHETLEY (CONT’D) Are you replacing them? Season ten starts shooting today.
FIONA Of course. We’ve hired two new hosts.
SHARNAY Who?
FIONA I was just about to tell you. The two of you will continue to handle clothes, accessories, and shoes. The new hairstylist is named Juan Carlos Rodriguez and the new makeup artist is Minnie Mai.
SHARNAY I’ve never heard of them.
FIONA That’s because they’re new to television. They both write very popular blogs and have huge social media followings.
CHETLEY Bloggers? Is that what it’s come to?
SHARNAY Who reads blogs? I’ve never looked at a blog in my life! What kind of word is blog anyway. Blah-g. Blah-g. Blah-g. Sounds like the ladies’ room at the Beverly Hilton after lunch. (mimics vomiting) Blah-g.
CHETLEY I like the food there.
SHARNAY It’s not the food, it’s the clientele. (sticks finger in her mouth)
CHETLEY Oh, a bulimia joke. That’s always in good taste.
Sharnay sticks out her tongue at Chetley. Chetley thumbs his nose back.
FIONA When are you two going to grow up? The network has decided to cast bloggers to attract millennials.
CHETLEY Why on earth would they do that?
FIONA Because you’re not getting any younger.
Chetley gasps in horror.
SHARNAY Ha-ha.
FIONA I was referring to you also, Sharnay.
Sharnay gasps in horror.
CHETLEY Ha-ha.
FIONA (dryly) Ha-ha. I’m loath to admit that the two of you are safe, at least for the time being. Turns out you’re very much loved by women 18 to 35. For the life of me I can’t figure out why, but apparently my opinion doesn’t matter. Unbeknownst to you, we spent a fortune on extensive market research at the end of last season, conducting focus groups in twelve major cities across America. Sharnay, young women see you as (reads limply from a bound report and uses air quotes) “glamorous,” “inspiring,” and “a good role model.” (rolls eyes) And Chetley, women in the demo see you as “a best friend,” “a favorite gay uncle,” and “the kind of guy you want to have a cosmo with.”
CHETLEY A cosmo? That’s so 2003. Who the hell do I look like, Cynthia Nixon?
SHARNAY No, she’s much more butch than you nowadays.
Sharnay and Chetley mouth the word “lesbian” to each other.
FIONA (annoyed) I think it’s time for you to meet your new cohosts. They’re waiting in the conference room next door. (speaks into intercom) Diane, please send in Juan Carlos and Minnie. (to Sharnay and Chetley) Did I mention they’re much younger than you?
MINNIE enters.
MINNIE Juan Carlos said he’d be right in. I think he’s making a pee-pee. What’s up, bitches! I’m Minnie Mai! Not to be confused with Mini Me! It is so freakin’ amaze-balls to meet you guys! I have been watching this show since I was—I don’t know—twelve. You know, right around puberty, when the boobies really started growing, or not growing in my case. Ha-ha! These are totes fakes. I got C-cups because I didn’t want to look all “Me so horny.” You know what I mean? Me love you long time. I should really S.T.F.U., but I can’t help it. When I get nervous I turn into a racial stereotype. (to Sharnay) O.M.G.! Your hair is gorge! Can I touch? (she touches without waiting for an answer) That’s nice. Silky. Not Chinese because it takes a curl nicely. Probably Indian. Could also be Cambodian hooker.
Sharnay looks stunned and furious. Chetley is amused.
DIANE (ON INTERCOM) Juan Carlos is back. I’m sending him in now.
FIONA Thank you. Let’s stop with the touching. I’m sufficiently repulsed.
JUAN CARLOS enters.
Sharnay and Chetley both gasp in surprise. They look at each other with suspicion and quickly cover.
Fiona and Minnie look at each other and shrug. Juan Carlos smiles.
CUT TO BLACK.
END OF ACT ONE.
ACT TWO INT. FIONA’S OFFICE – DAY
Chetley, Sharnay, Minnie, and Juan Carlos are seated in Fiona’s office. She is handing out packets of photographs and biographical information, which the hosts peruse.
CHETLEY (V.O.) Let’s return to our meeting, shall we? Fun.
FIONA Today you’re making over a woman named Angie Grober. The field team shot her at-home story last week. Mom of nine. Five or six of them are adopted. Cancer survivor. Blah, blah, blah. It’s all in the packet. As you can see from her pictures, she’s tragic. She’s not too fat though, and she has decent bone structure.
JUAN CARLOS Not too fat? It says here she’s a size six.
FIONA Like I said, not “too” fat.
SHARNAY Does she have all her—
FIONA (interrupting) Yes, Sharnay, she has all her teeth. You don’t have to ask me that every week.
SHARNAY (confrontational) I’m asking because I don’t want a repeat of season four, when every woman you cast was missing a big-ole toof in the front of her mouth. (to Minnie and Juan Carlos) You can put a girl in an Armani gown, pile ten pounds of extensions on her head, and give her a to-die-for smoky eye. But if she smiles and half her grille is back in Kentucky, all your hard work is for nothing.
CHETLEY Amen, sister.
MINNIE We could always get them veneers.
FIONA This show doesn’t do cosmetic procedures. No cutting, drilling, injecting. Not even Botox. The guiding principle of this show is helping a woman’s inner beauty shine outward.
SHARNAY (sarcastic) As long as she’s not too ugly to begin with. Right, Fiona?
FIONA Correct. Juan Carlos, do you have any ideas what you’d like to do with her hair?
JUAN CARLOS I was thinking she might look good as a buttery blonde, with some extra highlights around the face and maybe bangs . . .
CHETLEY (V.O.) I thought that meeting would never end. Now I can tell you why Sharnay and I gasped when Juan Carlos entered the office.
DISSOLVE TO: INT. LADIES’ ROOM – DAY Sharnay has been frantically looking for Chetley. She finds him in the ladies’ room.
SHARNAY I have been looking all over for you! What are you doing in the ladies’ room?
CHETLEY I was looking for you! Then I got distracted by the fact that there’s potpourri in here. We don’t have potpourri in the men’s room. And I cannot for the life of me figure out what that smell is. (holds bowl up to her nose) Is that peach?
SHARNAY Get that [BLEEP] out of my face. I need you to spill the beans right now!
CHETLEY I don’t have any beans.
SHARNAY You are full of beans! I saw the way you acted when the new guy showed up.
CHETLEY I saw the way you acted when the new guy showed up.
SHARNAY I don’t know what you’re talking about.
CHETLEY I don’t know what you’re talking about.
SHARNAY Stop repeating everything I say or I am gonna get all Bed-Stuy on your ass.
CHETLEY Bed-Stuy? As in Bedford Stuyvesant? Brooklyn?
SHARNAY Yeah, what about it?
CHETLEY Oh, please. You’re from Toronto. You went to prep school.
SHARNAY (whining) OK, OK. Just tell me. I need to know what’s up with you and him.
CHETLEY Fine. I don’t need this to become common knowledge around here, but I’m 99 percent sure I . . . you know . . . fooled around with him.
SHARNAY Shut. Your. Face!
CHETLEY It was two years ago, after I got gay divorced.
SHARNAY I don’t believe you.
CHETLEY Why not? You don’t believe a guy like me could score a hottie like him?
SHARNAY I’m sure you could. On a good day.
CHETLEY Or is it because you don’t believe he’s gay, because let me tell you . . . (sassy) He ain’t that butch.
SHARNAY Don’t do the black girl thing with your neck. I’ve told you, it’s not cute when you do it. It’s cute when I do it. That’s not what I meant.
CHETLEY What’s your problem then?
SHARNAY I think I fooled around with him too.
CHETLEY Liar!
SHARNAY I am not!
CHETLEY You are just saying that to copy me!
SHARNAY Wrong!
CHETLEY It’s just like that time last season when I told Fiona I wanted wheatgrass-and-aloe juice for lunch every day. And then you said, “Yes, Fiona, I’ll have that too!”
SHARNAY We were doing the same juice cleanse, remember? It was your idea.
CHETLEY Oh, right.
SHARNAY You kept the weight off.
CHETLEY Aww, thank you for noticing.
SHARNAY Look, I’m not yanking your chain. I’m serious. It was the only one-night stand of my life!
CHETLEY Right. And I’m Cynthia Nixon. (laughs) Like the way I brought her up twice in one day? What are the chances?
SHARNAY Shush. I’m not kidding. I don’t usually put out so easily. I’m no prude, don’t get me wrong, but I always wait till the third date. Then I will hit it. And I will hit. It. Hard! You know what I’m talkin’ about?
CHETLEY Please, I’m already nauseous from the potpourri. What happened this time?
SHARNAY I was in Cabo two winters ago with my friend Sandra. We were having umbrella drinks and she ended up not feeling so well. She had too much sun or something, so she went back to our hotel room. But I stayed and had one more.
Shot of Sharnay sitting alone at a slightly tacky hotel bar. She is approached by a tall stranger whose face we cannot see.
SHARNAY (CONT’D) Then this mysterious, supercute guy shows up and asks me to dance. Well, one thing led to another and the next thing I know I’m sneaking out of his room at three a.m.
Shot of Sharnay, disheveled and shoes in hand, closing a hotel room door behind her.
SHARNAY (CONT’D) Sandra and I left the next morning, so I never saw him again.
CHETLEY He never told you his name?
SHARNAY I didn’t ask.
CHETLEY I don’t understand why you can’t be sure it’s Juan Carlos.
CHETLEY A disguise!
SHARNAY I don’t understand why you can’t be sure.
CHETLEY He told me his name was Hector.
SHARNAY An alias!
CHETLEY Mango!
SHARNAY What?
CHETLEY The potpourri is mango.
SHARNAY You’re a freak.
INT. CHANGING ROOM SET – DAY
CUT TO: Sharnay and Chetley are helping their makeover subject, Angie, find the perfect dress. There are racks of clothes all around the room. Angie remains behind a swinging door.
CHETLEY (V.O.) Later that day, despite our burning curiosity, we had to get to work on our makeover.
SHARNAY (throws a dress over the top of changing room door) Here, Angie, try this dress. We’ll find one that works. Don’t worry. (looks at Chetley and crosses her fingers
Minnie enters.
MINNIE Hey, you guys have a minute?
CHETLEY Sure. What’s up?
MINNIE I feel like we got off on the wrong foot this morning. It’s just that I’m a huge fan and I’m so excited to be working with you. Can we be friends? Please?
SHARNAY Of course. Just don’t touch my hair again, girl.
CHETLEY That [BLEEP] don’t like to be touched.
MINNIE Why is it that every time I see the two of you, you’re whispering and telling secrets? I’m starting to get a complex.
SHARNAY We’re not whispering about you.
CHETLEY We’re whispering about Juan Carlos.
MINNIE Total stud, right?
SHARNAY Did you know him before you got this show?
ANGIE (peeks head over changing room door) It’s too tight!
CHETLEY How tight? Like, I-need-Spanx tight or I-need-a-crowbar tight?
ANGIE I don’t know.
CHETLEY (rolls eyes) Let me see. (peeks in changing room) OK, so it’s a little too tight. (makes a face to Sharnay to say it’s terrible) We’ll go one size up.
Sharnay holds up one finger to question “one size up.” Chetley holds up three fingers to indicate three sizes up.
SHARNAY (to Minnie) So, did you know him?
MINNIE No, this morning was the first time I met him.
CHETLEY Do you know if he likes boys?
SHARNAY Or girls?
CHETLEY Or both? (throws another dress over the changing room door) Here’s another one.
MINNIE Oh, I get it. You both have crushes on him. How cute. And a little sad.
SHARNAY That’s not it. (whispers) We think we may have hooked up with him.
MINNIE (horrified) At the same time?
SHARNAY No!
MINNIE I don’t understand. What do you mean, you “think” you hooked up with him? Why doesn’t someone “know” that kind of thing?
SHARNAY He had a mustache when he was with me.
CHETLEY And he told me his name was Hector!
MINNIE Ohhhh . . . sneaky.
SHARNAY Shhh.
Fiona and Juan Carlos enter.
FIONA Is Angie ready for hair and makeup? We’re almost behind schedule.
CHETLEY Almost behind schedule? What does that even mean? Either you’re behind schedule or you’re not. That’s like saying you almost won the lottery. Or you almost touched the back of George Stephanopoulos’ neck while he was asleep next to you on the red-eye. But you didn’t because that would be creepy and maybe even illegal.
SHARNAY She’ll be ready in time, Fiona.
ANGIE I think this one looks good!
SHARNAY Let’s see.
Angie steps out of changing room in a voluminous silver gown.
SHARNAY (CONT’D) It’s OK. Not perfect. Let’s try something else.
Angie, dejected, returns to changing room.
FIONA That dress was lovely. If you have a fetish for stove-top popcorn. Look, I don’t need to remind the two of you that if we go over schedule, we run into tens of thousands of dollars in overtime charges with the crew. I will not tolerate that at all this season. (MORE)
FIONA (CONT’D) Juan Carlos, hair is up next so, let’s make sure your station is to your liking.
MINNIE Aw, don’t go yet!
FIONA Why not?
MINNIE (scrambling) Juan Carlos has something on his face. I wouldn’t want him to go on TV with an eye booger or anything.
FIONA I don’t see anything.
MINNIE (to Juan Carlos) Come here. Shut your eyes.
Minnie points Juan Carlos’ face toward Sharnay. She takes a piece of her own hair and creates a mustache on Juan Carlos’ face with it. She looks at Sharnay as if to ask if that rings any bells. Sharnay is still unsure.
FIONA Come on, Juan Carlos. Minnie, I suggest you get your makeup station set up. We shoot makeup after hair.
MINNIE It’s all set up.
Fiona and Juan Carlos begin to leave.
MINNIE (CONT’D) Wait! I feel like we all hardly know each other.
FIONA (tugging at Juan Carlos) There will be plenty of time to get to know each other in the future. (dryly) Believe me.
MINNIE Let’s play a game!
FIONA A what?
MINNIE A game. The name game! I say a letter and you have to say the first name that pops into your head. It’s hilarious. (points to Chetley) Your letter is “L.” Go!
CHETLEY Larry.
MINNIE Yes! (points to Sharnay) “F.” Go!
SHARNAY Frank!
MINNIE Great! (points to Juan Carlos) “H.” Go!
JUAN CARLOS Hector.
MINNIE Aha! Hector! That’s a good one!
FIONA Enough! This is a serious television show, Miss Mai, not the inane blog you write. I suggest you start behaving more professionally or your first episode of “You Look Fabulous” will be your last.
Fiona and Juan Carlos exit.
ANGIE (peeking out over top of door) Oooh, you in trouble, girl.
CUT TO BLACK.
END OF ACT TWO.
ACT THREE
INT. CHANGING ROOM SET – CONTINUOUS
SHARNAY Don’t let Fiona bother you.
CHETLEY She’s really charming once you get to know her.
Sharnay and Minnie give skeptical looks.
CHETLEY (CONT’D) I’m totally lying. She’s a demon.
MINNIE Who does she think she is, calling me by my last name. Miss Mai. Miss Mai ass, skank. My real last name is Lefkowitz anyway. My father’s Jewish.
CHETLEY Get out! I’m a half-breed too. Half WASP, half Jewish. Jewish mother though. So technically, I’m more Jewish than you. Except I never had a bar mitzvah, so technically I’m not Jewish. I think. I told my parents that for my thirteenth birthday, instead of a bar mitzvah I wanted a private performance of “A Chorus Line” in our backyard. My parents were crazy-rich, so they basically bought me Donna McKechnie.
MINNIE I don’t know who that is, but mazel.
ANGIE (exiting changing room in a boldly printed caftan) This is the twenty-third dress I’ve tried on and nothing looks good.
SHARNAY Oh, stop. It looks good. If you’re hosting a key party.
CHETLEY Or if you’re married to Mister Roper. “Stanley, would you stop bothering those kids upstairs!”
MINNIE I don’t know who that is either.
CHETLEY You really need to brush up on your 1970s pop culture.
MINNIE I was born in 1992.
CHETLEY Sharnay, she was born—in the ’90s.
SHARNAY (to Chetley) I’m not deaf. (to Angie) You still haven’t tried on the orange satin sheath.
CHETLEY (to Angie) It’s gonna be fabulous! Back inside. And hurry!
Angie returns to changing room.
CHETLEY (CONT’D) 1992. I got my start in this business in 1992. It’s true. I was Christina Applegate’s stylist in “Married . . . With Children.” Fishnet tights with denim shorts? That was me. You’re welcome.
SHARNAY So, where were we? We know Juan Carlos is really Hector. (to Minnie) You’re a genius, by the way. But we still don’t know for sure if I slept with him.
MINNIE We’ll need to figure out another way to trick him. When were you with him?
SHARNAY Two years ago.
MINNIE Where?
SHARNAY Cabo San Lucas.
MINNIE I’m on it!
Minnie leaves.
Angie opens up dressing room door. She wears the orange dress and it fits perfectly.
ANGIE How’s this?
CHETLEY Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!
SHARNAY Yay! Orange you glad you tried that one on?
Chetley and Angie groan.
INT. HAIR AND MAKEUP SET – DAY CUT TO: Juan Carlos straightens up his hairstyling station. Fiona rifles through Minnie’s makeup station.
FIONA I see Minnie has set up her station after all. Quite an assortment.
(starts applying lipstick)
JUAN CARLOS You probably shouldn’t be doing that.
FIONA You probably shouldn’t be telling me what to do.
Minnie enters.
JUAN CARLOS You probably want to know that Minnie is right behind you.
MINNIE Hi!
FIONA I was just admiring your makeup assortment.
MINNIE That’s a pretty shade you chose. It’s called “Scarlet Fever.” Which is interesting because I used it just yesterday on a drag queen with really bad herpes.
FIONA (wiping mouth) Yuck.
MINNIE Oh, don’t worry. I always use disposable brushes. I’m kind of a cleanliness freak. (she wipes the top layer of lipstick off the tube) That’s why I don’t like anyone touching my things without asking.
FIONA I had high hopes for you, Miss Mai. Now I’m starting to question the network’s decision to hire you.
MINNIE I’m sorry to hear that but I assure you I’m a professional. And thank you for understanding about not using my supplies. (hesitates for a second) Especially not the brow gel.
FIONA The brow gel?
MINNIE This stuff. (picks up small tube) It’s very expensive. I have it shipped from Japan. I can only get one tube at a time through customs.
FIONA What’s so special about it?
MINNIE Well, it’s really easy to apply. And it makes for perfect eyebrows every time. And I always keep it right here. (puts tube down very deliberately)
FIONA Good to know. I’m going to check up on Sharnay and Chetley. How long does it take to find one stupid dress?
Fiona exits.
MINNIE That chick hates me.
JUAN CARLOS Like a Puerto Rican hates birth control. (pause) I’m Puerto Rican. I can say those things. What’s up?
MINNIE Not much. I was just thinking about my next vacation.
JUAN CARLOS Interesting thing to do on your first day of work.
MINNIE Never too early to start planning for a good time, I always say. Where do you think I should go?
JUAN CARLOS What kind of vacation do you want?
MINNIE A sexy beach vacation.
JUAN CARLOS You could go to Thailand.
MINNIE Too far.
JUAN CARLOS There’s always Mexico.
MINNIE Yes, Mexico! Do you have a favorite part?
JUAN CARLOS I always have a good time in Cabo.
MINNIE I knew it! Cabo!
JUAN CARLOS I just realized I left my favorite hair dryer in the car. I’ll catch you later.
INT. CHANGING ROOM SET - LATER THAT DAY CUT TO: Sharnay and Chetley are sitting on the floor. Only Angie’s legs and feet are visible. She is trying, with little success, to walk in a pair of five-inch platform stilettos.
CHETLEY C’mon, Angie, you can do this!
ANGIE I can’t.
CHETLEY These heels are nothing! I styled someone in these exact shoes just last week. It was Ruth Ginsberg. She was doing a charity walkathon.
SHARNAY Try, Angie. Shoulders back, boobs out. (to Chetley quietly) This is more painful than watching a brain-damaged giraffe take its first steps.
MINNIE (to Sharnay) He told me he always has fun in Cabo. You totally had sex with him! (to Chetley) And so did you! You know that saying: When you have sex with someone it’s like you’re having sex with everyone they’ve ever had sex with? Well, if that’s true, you two have totally done it with each other.
CHETLEY Please don’t tell me that. For the record, I just fooled around with him. A little bit of “eh.” And a little bit of “eh.” Not the full “eh-eh.”
SHARNAY I did the full “eh-eh.”
MINNIE Man, I hate that he’s being so coy!
SHARNAY Me too!
CHETLEY Me three!
Angie falls flat on her face in front of them.
INT. HAIR AND MAKEUP SET – CONTINUOUS
Fiona rifles through Minnie’s makeup station again.
CHETLEY (V.O.) Meanwhile, someone had a case of the sticky fingers.
FIONA Hell if I’ll let that little brat tell me what I can and can’t touch. (applies brow gel to both of her eyebrows)
INT. HAIR AND MAKEUP SET – LATER THAT DAY Juan Carlos is finishing up a haircut. CUT TO:
CHETLEY (V.O.) And later, Juan Carlos proved to be an excellent hairstylist—and television host.
JUAN CARLOS Angie, I am all done with you. I think your hair looks gorgeous, but I can’t let you see yourself yet. It’s a surprise! Next up, makeup.
FLOOR MANAGER Cut! Nice work, Juan Carlos.
JUAN CARLOS Thank you.
FLOOR MANAGER Angie, please take a seat in the makeup chair. Minnie, we’d love to start immediately with you if you’re ready.
MINNIE Ready, Freddie.
FLOOR MANAGER That’s what I like. Coming to you in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .
MINNIE Hi, Angie, my name is Minnie and I’ll be doing your makeup today. I’d really love to bring out those beautiful green eyes of yours . . .
INT. BACKSTAGE – CONTINUOUS FADE TO: Fiona is watching the action on set. She scratches her brow and notices a single eyebrow hair on her fingers. She blows it off. She touches her brow again and this time two hairs come off in her hand. She runs to a mirror nearby and rubs a section of her right eyebrow and it completely falls off. She muffles her own scream and is hushed by the Floor Manager.
CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE – NEARBY – CONTINUOUS Sharnay and Chetley stand side by side. They are also watching Minnie on set. They notice Fiona’s commotion and ignore it.
SHARNAY (about Minnie) She’s good.
CHETLEY Very natural.
Juan Carlos sneaks up behind them and whispers in their ears.
JUAN CARLOS Hey, sexy.
CHETLEY (suspicious) Which one of us are you talking to?
JUAN CARLOS Both of you.
SHARNAY Can we help you?
JUAN CARLOS I know what you two are up to.
SHARNAY Is that so?
JUAN CARLOS You’re trying to figure out which of you has made sweet love to me.
CHETLEY We’ve already figured it out. And we’re already over it. It’s both of us.
JUAN CARLOS Incorrect. It’s only one of you.
SHARNAY (shocked) Which one?
JUAN CARLOS I’ll tell you later.
He exits. Sharnay and Chetley stare at each other in disbelief. CUT TO:
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – MOMENTS LATER Chetley, Sharnay, Minnie, and Juan Carlos stand in a row on the main set of “You Look Fabulous.” They are preparing for the last shot of the day, the final reveal.
FLOOR MANAGER Thank you for your patience, guys. We’ll be ready to roll in less than two minutes.
FIONA (O.C.) Minnie! Come here!
MINNIE What?
She runs off set. The others don’t know what’s wrong.
CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE – CONTINUOUS
FIONA (holding her hand over her forehead) What did you put in that brow gel?
MINNIE Nothing. Why?
FIONA You know why.
MINNIE I asked you not to touch it.
FIONA What was in it?
MINNIE It’s a depilatory. It’s for people who don’t like plucking. You apply the gel to unwanted hairs and they just fall right out.
FIONA I thought it was for taming brows, like all brow gels.
MINNIE Not this stuff. Don’t tell me you . . .
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – DAY CUT TO: Sharnay, Chetley, and Juan Carlos are still on set waiting for the action cue.
FLOOR MANAGER Minnie! We need you on set now!
Minnie runs in and takes her place.
MINNIE Well, it was nice working with you guys.
SHARNAY What happened?
MINNIE I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough.
JUAN CARLOS It was . . . Sharnay.
SHARNAY (stifled excitement) I knew it! (speaking out the side of her mouth to Juan Carlos) It was good, right?
JUAN CARLOS Excellent.
CHETLEY I’m confused.
MINNIE Me too. Who is Hector?
JUAN CARLOS My twin brother.
MINNIE Yeah, right.
JUAN CARLOS I’m serious. (takes out phone and begins to scroll through photos) Look, I have a million pictures of him and me. Here we are in matching sailor suits as a kid. Here we are with mustaches. He’s a gay.
MINNIE Cute.
JUAN CARLOS Sorry, Chet. I remembered that about two years ago he told me he fooled around with some guy from a TV show. I figured it must be you.
CHETLEY Great. I’m just some guy from a TV show.
JUAN CARLOS He also told me you— (whispers in Chetley’s ear)
CHETLEY Well, that makes me feel a little better.
MINNIE I’m glad we figured this all out, ya big bunch of hose-bags.
FLOOR MANAGER We’re coming to you, Sharnay, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .
SHARNAY OK, Angie, it’s time to come out!
CHETLEY Show us your new look!
Angie comes out from behind a curtain. She looks happy and beautiful, with her orange dress, moderate heels, sassy haircut, and perfect makeup. The camera pans to Fiona who scowls—without eyebrows.
CHETLEY, SHARNAY, MINNIE, AND JUAN CARLOS You look fabulous!
CUT TO BLACK.
END OF ACT THREE.
ACT FOUR (TAG)
Fiona sits, back to camera. Minnie is repairing Fiona’s eyebrows.
FIONA I’m sorry I used your products without permission.
MINNIE I forgive you. I’m sorry your eyebrows fell out.
FIONA Nice work on Angie today.
MINNIE Thank you. So I’m not fired?
FIONA No. Not yet.
MINNIE OK, I’m done drawing them back on. I think they look very natural.
Fiona picks up a hand-mirror. Minnie has drawn on exaggerated Joan Crawford–style brows.
FIONA Minnie!
FIONA Not funny!
MINNIE It was a joke! I’ll do them right this time!
CUT TO BLACK.
So, there you have it. One of my many ideas that will never come to fruition, and I’m OK with that. As I mentioned, I prefer these characters live in my head than on a television screen anyway. My head’s nice and safe. And most important of all, I’m in control of it. At least I think I am. Anyway, gotta run. PowerBall is up to 300 million bucks and I am gonna win it this time! That is, if I ever scan the damn ticket.