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IVY
June 19, 2016
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BRIAN AND KEVIN TOOK the kids out for the day. I just needed a break. My heart hurts, and I can just feel something isn’t right. I’ve been stalking the news, looking for changes, looking for photos close to David’s date today. Nothing. There is nothing.
I make a cup of coffee and walk around the house, trying to calm myself when there is a knock on the door. I freeze. Brian and David don’t knock because they live here. No one just shows up, who could it be?
I put my coffee down and open the door, and I can’t help but gasp. Oh god, this isn’t happening. We have one more year.
David pushes his way in, closes the door, and sinks to the floor crying. I pull him into my arms and let him cry, then I remember the kids, oh god.
Me: Keep the kids out. David showed up, and he isn’t doing good at all.
Brian: Take him to the cabin for a few days. We got the kids.
Me: Good idea! Text you when we leave.
“Baby, please talk to me. I can’t help you if you don't talk to me. I love you, David, this is killing me.” He finally looks up, and I can’t help but think he still looks as handsome as ever, but he looks more worn down, tired, and like he wants to give up. I can’t have that.
“Ivy, my sweet Ivy, I’m so sorry,” he says, then takes another deep breath. “I was missing you badly, and Anna, she has been... not nice, lots of threats even though she was caught with her tennis partner.”
“And she’s having an affair with her dance instructor now,” I add.
He shakes his head. “Your letters have been the best part of my life. I live for opening the next one, but after dealing with Anna the other day, it was too much, and I lost it. I wasn’t thinking. I was going to take one of the pills just to sleep the day away. It was in my mouth, then I saw your letter for when things get too hard, and I spit it out. I didn’t take it. I swear to you, I didn’t take it!”
“I know you didn’t, baby. I believe you.” I run my hand through his hair.
He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. “I came home to Ivy Hill just like you told me to. I watched your videos so many times and knew you were so close. I didn’t care anymore. I was here before I could change my mind. I need you; I need us. I know there is still a year left, but please give me a week.”
I straddle his lap right there on the floor. I take his face in my hands, and he leans into my touch.
“I can’t give you a week,” I say. His face falls, and he closes his eyes. I kiss a few tears away. “I can give you two weeks,” I say, and he hugs me so tight and takes in a shaky breath.
“Thank you, sweet girl,” he whispers into my neck.
“Let’s pack a bag and head out to Brian and Kevin’s cabin, have some time with just us, okay? We can come back here whenever you want.”
He nods and follows me into my room. He is looking around the house, and I know he sees all of Adam and Clara’s stuff and the baby photos. I know I have to tell him. I just hope it’s what pulls him through the next year and not a cause for him to downward spiral.
Once in the car, I text Brian that we are leaving. We have a two-hour drive, so I figure now is as good a time as any. I hand David my journal and take a deep breath.
“This is the journal I promised to keep. I need you to know how much I love you. I did what I thought was right. You are going to be mad, and I get that, but we will spend a few days in the cabin working things out before we head home, okay?”
“There is not a thing you could do that I won’t forgive you for.”
I smile. “We will see about that. Get reading.”
Ten minutes later, I see him trying to control his breathing, and I know he’s mad.
Oh god, I might lose him over this.
“Please keep reading,” I whisper. I poured my heart and soul into that journal, so I need him to read it all.
He finishes reading just as we pull on to the road for the cabin.
He’s quiet and looking out the window. My heart is beating so fast and loud I think he can hear it. I put the car in park and unbuckle my seatbelt and turn to look at him. He looks over at me and moves so fast I gasp. Instantly, he has me sitting on his lap and his arms around my waist and tears in his eyes.
“Yes, I’m mad I missed time with my kids, and I’m sad you felt you couldn’t tell me, but I love you even more. You gave me two kids, two pieces of us combined, and my heart is so full. I want to spend some time with you here and reconnect, but then I want to meet my kids. Please.”
I nod, and he kisses me so tenderly. We get out of the car and head inside the cabin.
No sooner do I close the door than David has me pinned to the door.
“Talk to me, beautiful. I want to know why you didn’t tell me about our kids.” He chokes up for a minute. “I know there is more than what is in that journal.”
This man could always read me so well from day one. I take a minute to think about what I’m going to say but decide to lay it all out in the open. This is David, this is us, and we have nothing between us.
“Well, when I had Adam, I was scared. I knew once he was born, I would go back and see you, and I had read several accounts of you saying that a woman who had a baby was a turn-off, and you could never be with a mother, not even the mother of your own child.”
He rests his forehead on mine. “Ivy, Ivy, Ivy, my sweet, beautiful Ivy. I love your curves, your stretch marks, all of it. Did I say those words? Yes, but to Anna. To get her to leave me alone, I said a few things worse than that as well. But you as a mother?” He presses into me, and his rock-hard cock digs into my belly.
“You feel that? God, thinking of you round with my baby is such a damn turn-on. I’m pissed I missed it. I want that with you and only you. Now, keep going. I want to hear it all.”
“Well, I knew this time apart wasn’t going to be easy. Case in point, we are here now. I figured if you knew about the kids, you wouldn’t stay away, and it could risk everything. Hell, I couldn’t stay away. I’ve gone and watched you play a few times just to be close to you.”
“Yes, you did.” He smiles at me. “I did see you that night in Charleston. I thought I had finally lost it because it was so real, but when I went after you, you just vanished.”
I kiss him slowly and soft before pulling back. “I’m sorry. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there, and I couldn’t mess anything up. Brian doesn’t even know I went. I told him I had a work meeting so they would watch the kids.”
“Beautiful, I need you,” he says and reaches between us to unbutton and pull down his pants. “My heart and soul need you.” He wraps my legs around his waist and pulls up my dress. “But after I’m done taking you, I want to know all about our kids, okay?” He thrusts into me hard, making me scream his name and claw at his back.
He isn’t gentle, and I know it’s partly because of being separated and partly from his anger of me keeping the kids from him. All I can do is hold on while he slams into me balls deep before pulling out and slamming into me all over again.
He pulls down the top of my dress so he’s free to watch as my tits bounce up and down as he continues to slam into me. He reaches down to stroke my clit.
“Dammit, beautiful, come for me now,” he growls into my ear before he sucks on my earlobe, sending me over the edge. I tense around him and scream out his name just as he bites into my neck. He pulls out and then moans into my ear.
After we catch our breath, I ask, “Why did you pull out?”
“Because I’m not chancing you getting pregnant again. The next time I come in you will be when we are together for good. Then I will be trying to get you pregnant.”
He set me down, and we both readjust ourselves. “Beautiful, go lie down in bed, and I want you naked. I’m going to clean this up, then I’ll join you.”
I head over and grab my bag, then head to the bedroom. I do as he says, and I’m lying naked on the bed beside a box when he walks in.
“What’s this?” he asks, walking over to the box. I smack his hands away.
“Ditch the clothes, then you can have what’s in the box.”
He smiles and removes his clothes, then climbs into bed with me. He sits with his back propped against the headboard, and when I sit up, he pulls me onto his lap. I grab the box for him and watch as he opens it.
“This is everything you missed with the kids. I figure we can start at the beginning.”
I tell him about finding out I was pregnant with Adam and how Brian and Kevin took care of me. I show him videos of the doctor’s appointments and the game Adam and I would play at night. While I was pregnant, I’d place the TV remote on my stomach, and he would kick it off. We watch the video of Adam's birth and both cry. I tell him how I play his music for them every night before bed and how neither can sleep without it. He loves that and says he can’t wait to sing them to sleep.
We have dinner in bed, and I tell him about finding out I was pregnant with Clara and how I refused to let Adam sleep in his own bed until she was born. We watch videos of every doctor's appointment and the birth of Clara. The video of Adam holding Clara and meeting her the first time and him leaning down to give her a kiss. We go through pictures of me snuggling with them both. And Clara sleeping on my chest.
“That’s probably why it looks like you gained another cup size. I love these babies,” he says, cupping one of my breasts. He brings it to his mouth and sucks hard. My nipples are still super sensitive. He sucks the other one before he pulls out the next item in the box.
We continue through first smiles, first steps, first teeth, and first words. I tell him about their personalities and the funny things they have done. We watch videos of it all. He asks questions, and I answer them, and it’s well after midnight before we’re done.
He’s spooning me, and we are talking about the kids when he grabs my leg and moves it back over his hip and thrusts his cock in me again. He’s kissing my neck, and this time, it’s slow and passionate lovemaking. His hands are all over my chest, belly, and hips. He’s telling me how much he loves my new curves, and every stretch mark reminds him of the beautiful children I gave him. He tells me those kids are the most amazing gift and how he didn’t think he could love me anymore until today.
He thanks me for being there for him with that letter and pulling him back from the edge. He thanks me for this time we have together and how his heart feels whole again.
As he starts lazily stroking my clit to match his lazy thrusts, he tells me that he hopes we have a whole litter of kids running around, but he wants to be there for everything, so if I do end up pregnant again, I am to send Brian to tell him. He doesn’t want me traveling through the rocks and risking the baby. He withholds my orgasm until I agree, then thrusts into me hard and fast until we both shatter at the same time, and he barely pulls out in time.
He comes all over my back, and then he rubs it in and pulls me into the shower, where he comes all over my chest before fully washing me clean.
We finally tumble into bed and sleep hard that night.
We spend the next few days reconnecting on every level. We relearn each other’s bodies, and he loves my stretch marks and memorizes how they fall on my hips. I don’t know how he does it, but he makes me fall in love with my body too, and it’s just one of the many things I love about him.
We tell each other everything that’s happened over the past few years. He tells me about making movies and the concerts and how hard it was to get rumors of him sleeping with people started without actually sleeping with them. Said he had to pay a few of the women to go to the papers and sell the story. They thought it was funny to say he was lousy in bed. I laughed. Let them because I know the truth.
His favorite subject to talk about, by far, is the kids. So, after four days at the cabin, we head home. He insisted on stopping at a store on the way home to buy something for them. He refuses to show up empty-handed.
When we pull in the driveway, I text Brian to let him know we are here, then I turn to David and take his hand. I can tell he’s a bit nervous, so I say, “They love you, David, and they are so young they will never know you weren’t there. I made sure they know you.” I give him a kiss, trying to calm his nerves.
We walk to the door hand in hand, and I open the front door.
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DAVID
I’m nervous to meet my kids. More nervous than the first time I played in front of a sold-out crowd. More nervous than when I sang for my record deal.
I’m holding the two toys Ivy assured me they would love, though toys are very different now for sure.
Ivy opens the door, and I hear footsteps and two little voices. “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!” Ivy bends down and scoops them both into her arms and holds one on each hip. I see Brian beside me.
“Adam, Clara, there is someone I want you to meet.” Ivy turns to me.
I watch Adam’s eyes light up as he reaches for me. “Daddy!” he yells, and Clara screams and reaches for me too. With tears in my eyes, I pick them up and hold them both just like Ivy was, and she takes my photo, then comes to my side and holds the phone out to Brian.
“We need our first family photo,” she tells him.
Brian takes a few photos, and then we head to the living room where I sit on the couch with the kids. Ivy sits beside me, and I realize this is the life I want, here in the house with Ivy and my kids and even Brian and Kevin.
Adam starts patting my shoulder to get my attention. “Daddy, Daddy, sing York!!” I look at Ivy for help.
“He’s talking about the song from your New York City movie.”
Well, I’ll sing all day if it makes them smile, so I start singing. When the kids get down and start dancing in front of me, I can’t help my eyes tearing up. I dreamed and prayed for moments like these, but I never thought they’d happen.
When I’m done singing, I give the kids my gifts. For Adam, it was something called Paw Patrol with dogs as rescuers. Ivy explained it to me, and I thought it was kind of cute. He has Ivy opening it so he can play with it.
For Clara, it’s a lamb stuffed animal from a show called Doc Mc something where the kid can talk to toys and help fix them. She is hugging the lamb so hard, saying, “Yammy, love Yammy.”
Ivy puts on each of the shows so I can see them, and I listen as the kids tell me about them. We have dinner as a family, and Ivy snaps so many photos.
I get to help with baths and bedtime and sing them to sleep. Tonight was perfect, and I want every night to be like this, so once the kids are sleeping, Ivy and I head to the living room and join Kevin and Brian.
We are sitting on the couch when I say, “I want this every night. This is the life I want.”
“What about singing?” Brian asks.
I shake my head. “Honestly, it holds little appeal for me anymore. I do it because it's expected, not because I enjoy it. The same with acting.” I look Brian right in the eye. “Please, I know Ivy said you might have a plan. Please bring me here. This is where my heart is, where I’m happy and feel whole. I’m just a shell back in 1964.”
“But you have a kid there too,” Kevin says. It’s a statement, but I hear the question behind it.
“I will make sure he’s taken care of, but Anna keeps him from me. I don’t know him, and he doesn’t know me. He’s never called me daddy, and I know he’s mine, but the connection isn’t there. I can’t prove it, but I think Anna is feeding him lies, so I doubt I’ll get much from him.”
What I don’t admit is how it doesn’t break my heart even though it should. I get he’s mine, but when I see him, he’s a reminder of Anna and that night. I tried to have a relationship with him, but every time I wanted to see him, Anna withheld him unless I agreed to have sex with her, and of course, I wouldn’t touch her.
The only time I’ve seen him is when I’ve threatened her, and recently when she wanted to visit her dad, who was on his death bed. Can’t say I’m not happy. Maybe things will get better when he isn’t controlling her. I feel guilty about all this, and when I confess it to Ivy, she says she understands.
“What plans do you have, Brian?”
“Well, we have been working to build you a profile with a social security number, birth certificate, and a small online footprint. I’ve worked with a friend of mine doing it slowly so as not to flag any systems. I’ve also been digging into your death. I have a folder downstairs, so we know the details, but I think we can fake it as a drug overdose. I’m working on the plans for that. There is something you will need to handle on your end.”
I know Brian works with computers, but I can’t quite wrap my head around what he does. Ivy tried to explain it to me—IT, networks, databases—but none of it made sense to me.
“Tell me, and I’ll do it,” I say with no doubt in my head. I know they can lay out a plan for me, and I’ll do it.
This week and a half I get to spend with Ivy and my kids are heaven.
Every morning after breakfast, we watch cartoons, then we go play in the backyard. One morning, Clara had me push her in the swing for an hour. I’d do it all day if I wasn’t worried about her being out in the sun.
I’ve read them every book they own at least four times and learned the name of every stuffed animal they own.
One night when I’m tucking the kids into bed, I realize I need to do my part to make this happen, so Brian, Ivy, and I spend a few long nights going over all the details surrounding my death.
By the end of my time here, we have a solid plan, and I have a bright outlook on life for the first time in 3 years.
***
TODAY IS THE DAY I go back to my time. I’ve been trying to convince Ivy to come with me for a few weeks, but she says she can’t while I’m still married. I reminded her I’m married to her and only her. The one with Anna is a piece of paper only.
As I’m packing, Ivy walks up and hands me a few letters. “I figure I need to update the one on if things get too hard, and here are a few extras.” She smiles.
I kiss her, and say, “You know I’m not waiting a year to see my family again, right?”
“I figured.” She sighs
“I’m going to try to visit every three months and be here for their birthdays and Christmas.”
“Okay, but don’t let it interfere with the last movies you are making. They still need to happen.”
I pull her close and wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her hard. “My whole world is right here in this house. Everything I want. I promise to keep up my life there as I need to, but this is where I want to be and where I will be as often as possible. I love you, Ivy, more and more every day, every time I see you.”
I have breakfast with the kids, and Brian stays with them as Ivy walks me to the stones. Saying goodbye to them even for a few months leads to a bunch of tears. We get to the stones, and leaving Ivy and the kids is the last thing I want to do.
For a brief minute, I think about not going back and just staying here. But I need to get things in order, not just for my son and my parents but for Ivy too. I will do this the right way, but I know it will take everything in me to do so.
Knowing the time between seeing her will be much shorter this time gives me a kind of hope I haven’t had in the past three years, but it doesn’t make walking through the stones any easier.
