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IVY
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AS I OPEN MY EYES, I check the bed next to me.
Still empty.
I stayed up all night and don’t even remember falling asleep. David was supposed to be here yesterday, but he’s not. I know something could have come up, but my heart is breaking anyway. I promised David I’d find a way to go on but not today. Brian and Kevin bring the kids in, and we curl up and watch movies all day and even eat breakfast and lunch in bed.
“Hey kiddos, Kevin has dinner. Go see what he made!” Brian says, and the kids run out of the room. He sits on the side of the bed and rubs my arms, and I just start crying.
Brian lies down beside me and just holds me, rubbing my back, and lets me cry.
“I’ve been online all morning; no history has changed.” This causes me to cry harder because if he isn’t here, the only other option is it’s truly him at Ivy Hill.
“Anything could have held him up, Ivy. Just give it time.”
Nodding, I wait for my babies to finish dinner and snuggle with them for another night.
***
IT’S NOW BEEN SEVEN days since the day David died. He should have been here three days ago, and my whole body is numb. Scott has been over every day, and today is no different. He is sitting in the living room when I walk out, and everyone walks out.
“Ivy, what’s wrong?” Brian asks with concern on his face.
“What do you mean, what’s wrong?”
“Well, you are dressed.”
“I am. I need to go out. I will be back by dinner. Will you watch the kids?”
All three of them exchange a look.
“Of course, we will, but do you want one of us to go with you?” Kevin asks.
I force a smile. “Nope.”
“You aren’t, you know, going back, are you?” Brian asks.
I drop the smile. “No.”
“Okay, sorry, I had to make sure.”
I eat a banana and then head out the door and drive straight to Ivy Hill. I walk the house first, taking in every detail, no matter how small, wondering if he left me a sign or I missed something. Nothing is out of place, no small sign for me, nothing. My heart shatters as I start to try to comprehend that he didn’t make it. He truly died in that bed on August 29, 1969. How do you live after that? I feel empty, and even though I made David a promise, I don’t know how I am going to be the mother my kids need me to be.
I follow the crowds out to the memorial garden, and when I’m in front of David’s grave, I sink to my knees and just let the tears fall. I don’t know how long I am there for, but I know I get many confused looks, many weird looks, and several people ask me if I’m okay. After the third person checks on me, I figure I’ve made enough of a scene, and I get up and walk away without a word.
I drive home on autopilot, and when I walk in the door, there is a buzz in the air, and for a moment, I have a ray of hope as I walk to the living room.
Scott jumps up. “No, he isn’t here, but I did something for you that might help.”
I sit on the couch and don’t bother telling him nothing will help unless it’s my David in my arms or me lying in the grave next to him.
“My mother did another interview and went on and on because it’s the anniversary of... well, you know. So, I decided it was time the world knows her as we do. I leaked her letters to David, admitting she lied to her parents and the ones of her parents threatening him. I said her lies took him from the love of his life, which led him down his spiral of drugs that eventually killed him. His fans have turned on her, and she can’t leave her house. People are pissed.”
A sick part of me does get joy from this. That woman has been making money off David ever since he died with books, interviews, magazine spreads, and who knows what else. I hope this is the end of it.
Scott gets up and sits next to me and wraps me in a hug. “I warned her to stop this many years ago, but I never had anything to use against her until now. I wasn’t going to put the letters out, but in light of everything... I figure it’s time the world sees my dad for who he is.”
“Was.” I stand up. “Who he was. Let’s call a spade a spade.” I walk off to my room and let the tears flow. Even my David Miller playlist doesn’t soothe me to sleep; it just makes me cry harder.
***
TWO WEEKS.
It’s been two weeks since the day David was supposed to be here in my arms. Since our family was supposed to be complete. I haven’t been able to pull myself out of bed. Thank goodness for Brian, Kevin, and Scott and their help with the kids.
This morning I’ve been replaying my last few days with David over and over in my head. What did I miss? What could I have done differently? I know I promised him I’d get up and go on for the kids. What he didn’t tell me is how to do that.
How do I move on?
How do I stop the pain?
How do I keep breathing when every breath without him hurts?
I love my kids. They are a part of him, and that helps, but he was my heart and soul. Now that he is gone, the motivation and ability to go on is as well. But I know I have to keep my promise for him. I want my kids to have an amazing childhood, to know their dad loved them with his whole heart, and everything he did was for them. I can give them that, and to do that, I have to get out of bed.
I get up and get in the shower, which brings back memories of our shower together that last morning. I can still feel his hands on me, rubbing the soap all over me and lovingly washing my hair. I can feel his lips on mine and that moment when he slid into me.
The emotions overwhelm me, and I lose it, crying for the man I love and not just all I lost but all my kids have lost, and they don’t even know it. I sink to the shower floor and let the water wash away my tears. I cry until the water turns cold. The icy water running over my skin is the push I need to get up and get dressed.
When I walk into the kitchen, all three guys look at me. I know they can tell I’ve been crying, and I don’t know when that will stop, so I’m not even going to try to hide it.
“I made David a promise to keep going for our kids and live for them. I don’t know how to live without him, but I have to try. Scott, will you take me to Ivy Hill? I need to say goodbye, and to do so, I need the grounds people free.”
“Of course, Ivy, the house isn’t open for tours for two more hours. If we go now, you will have plenty of quiet.”
I nod and let Scott drive me there while I contemplate how to move on with my new normal.
He talks to a few people and clears out the house grounds for us.
“You have free rein of the house. I’ll be by the front door to keep everyone out until you’re done.”
I smile at him as best as I can and step inside Ivy Hill for what will be the last time. I know someday I will have to tell the kids, and they will be brought here, but I don’t think I will be able to do it. I have to shut the door on this part of my life if I have any chance of being a mom to our kids.
As I walk into the living room, I remove my shoes and duck under the rope to make my way across the white carpet to the piano. I turn the bench perpendicular to the keys and sit down.
I close my eyes, and I see David sitting here playing “Stay With Me Now” and singing to me.
I see him laughing and carefree, his eyes full of love, and I know that’s how I always want to remember him.
I stand up and put my shoes back on and head up to our room. I take in each photo and the memories behind them. I stop and remember the newest photos. The ones that were strange for me to see when I was here with Scott the first time. One of us in the pool and another of us backstage after one of his shows.
I remember the many nights I got to lay in his arms in this very bed. Knowing I will never feel his arms around me again makes it hard to breathe, and the tears keep falling.
I walk to the bathroom and take in the bath products and just try to catch a scent of him again. I turn back to the bedroom and look at the bed where his body was found.
Was he scared?
Did he suffer?
Was he thinking of me?
I fall to my knees and cry for him, for my David, who I know was so scared this would be the outcome. I should have stayed. Once again, I should have been there. When I think I have cried all the tears I possibly can, I stand up and make my way out to the memorial garden. I kneel beside David’s grave, and the tears I thought I were done with start flowing again.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I should have insisted I was there with you. I made you a promise, and I’m here because I will keep that promise. To do that, I have to close the door on us. I have to lock you in the depth of my heart and keep you safe there to have a fighting chance to be the mother I promised you I would be to our kids. I won’t be back here, but I promise Brian, Kevin, and even Scott will bring the kids to you often. They will know what an amazing man you were and how much I loved you.”
I double over in tears, my heart shattering at this moment of truly admitting to myself he’s gone. My David died that day on August 29, 1969, and I couldn’t stop it.
I cry for everything lost and every person this affected. I cry for his dad, having to lose his son, and I cry for his mom who had blind faith in me, and I failed her.
“I’m so sorry. God, I love you so much...”
Strong arms wrap around me from behind, and assuming they are Scott’s, I try to stop the tears; he’s seen me cry enough already.
“I love you too, my sweet Ivy, and I have no plans to ever leave you again.” I think I’m imagining it, but the warm breath on my ear says otherwise.
My body collapses again, and my body is being turned in his arms as I look up into those stunning blue eyes I’d know anywhere even if his iconic black hair is replaced with his natural blond, and there is a two-week-old beard across his face.
“David...” I choke out. For a moment, I think I’m seeing a ghost, but a ghost wouldn’t be able to wrap his arms around me; a ghost wouldn’t leave hot breath on my ear.
“I’m here, my sweet girl. I’m sorry I’m late. I’m sorry I worried you.”
I throw my arms around him and hold him tight. He’s here, I can hold him, and my body relaxes, but my mind hasn’t grasped that he is really here. He’s really here. At that thought, I cry even harder, and his grip on me tightens.
He rubs my back and whispers how much he loves me over and over again until the tears finally stop.
“I will explain everything, but I think it’s best we head home, okay?” he whispers in my ear but never lets go of me.
I nod. He puts his sunglasses back on, and we head out front to greet Scott, who has a huge smile on his face.
“No more tears, Ivy. Tonight, we celebrate,” Scott says, never taking his eyes off his dad.
“No more tears, Scott, only happy ones.”
When we walk through the door, Brian and Kevin are grinning too, so I guess David stopped by here first to find out where I was.
We all sit down in the living room, and he pulls me onto his lap. I rest my head on his shoulder, just soaking him in and letting his woodsy scent surround me.
“So, what happened?” Brian asks, almost bouncing in his seat.
“Well, everything went as planned, but as the news broke, fans surrounded the house on all four sides. Poor Clint had to bring in more people from other companies to help with the crowd. The Nashville police even showed up to help. I’ve never seen anything like it. Dad asked everyone out of the house, Nancy, Clint, everyone, so it was just him and me. We thought maybe at night I could sneak out, but these people never left, and the crowd got bigger each day.”
I watch him shake his head with a sad look on his face. “Nothing you could have done would have prepared me for it. Anna showed up on day four, claiming she had a right to mourn at the house as did Scott, but my dad had my will and the divorce order ready, stating she wasn’t allowed access to any part of Ivy Hill. To say she was pissed was an understatement. I guess she thought everything would go to Scott when I died, and she was right. What pissed her off is that I left my dad as the trust holder for him and not her being his mother.”
“I remember reading about her taking it to court and trying to fight it, but she dropped it and never said why,” Scott adds.
“Yeah, Brian found a record of that, so I prepared for it in my will, leaving a handwritten letter to explain why I chose my dad along with copies of the letters from Anna and her dad with the threats and her admitting to lying. My dad was ready with proof Anna had supplied me with the drugs and would accuse her of purposely trying to kill me off to grab hold of the estate. I’m sure my dad will let us know how it ends. He plans to visit in a few months, but he doesn’t want to come for more than a long weekend in the event Anna tries to pull anything.”
“So how did you eventually get out?” Kevin asks.
David smiles. “After about ten days, people finally started to go home. My dad went out and made a statement that he was overwhelmed by all the support and love shown, but he asked to be allowed to mourn in peace as funeral arrangements were being made. He would hold a private service for the family and then a public one and announce where they could come to mourn at my grave. That seemed to appease people. He also asked that they keep to the front wall for mourning, so that allowed him to get me out through the back. We circled Nashville twice to make sure we weren’t followed to the rocks.”
He squeezes my hip. “When I came through, I came straight here, but Brian and Kevin said you were at Ivy Hill, so Brian drove me there. When Scott saw me, he knew I was there for you. He said you have been a mess and made me head right to you. It broke my heart to see you so broken, beautiful. I promise it won’t happen again. You are stuck with me now.”
“As much as I want to tell the kids, I’m going to be selfish and steal you away for a bit. You guys got the kids?”
Scott laughs. “That's my cue to go. I will be back tonight for dinner.”
“Go, go, go!” Brian shoos us away as I pull David toward our room. As soon as the door is closed, he has me pinned to it and his lips on mine, devouring me.
“No more nights apart,” he whispers against my lips, then trails kisses across my jaw to my neck. “No more saying goodbye.” He nips at my earlobe. “Just us.” His hands trail to my ass as he lifts me. I wrap my legs around him, but instead of heading to the bed, he heads to the bathroom.
“What are you doing?”
“I know you, and I’m willing to bet every time you stepped into this shower, you thought about our last shower together. About our morning goodbye showers. Then you would burst into tears and collapse on the floor. Am I right?”
I shake my head. “Of course, you’re right.”
“Then we are going to make a happy memory and turn showers together into a fun, positive thing.”
“I can get on board with that.” He sets me down so gently and starts the water. As he removes my clothes, he is kissing every spot on my body. My shoulders, my elbows, my wrists, my breasts, my belly button, my knees, my feet. Then he leads me into the warm shower.
As the warm water washes over me, he kisses me with so much passion that it heals all the broken pieces of my heart.
“I’m so sorry for every tear I caused you. I knew what you were thinking and feeling, and it tore me apart every minute I was away. Knowing the pain I was causing you killed me. Knowing the tears you were shedding and I couldn’t stop it was my undoing. I knew I was doing the right thing then.”
He takes my body wash and gently washes every part of me. As he kneels, he kisses my belly just below my belly button. Then he looks up at me.
“Too soon to tell,” I whisper, knowing he wants to know if I’m pregnant.
“So I get to be there through everything.” His smile is so big.
“Every minute of it.”
This time, he isn’t so gentle when he kisses me and slams me up against the shower wall. It’s frantic need as I wrap my legs around him, and he thrusts into me, causing us to moan. I hold him a little tighter and enjoy his body heat in a moment that just this morning I thought I’d never have again.
Feeling him stretch me and fill me is a relief, and after the past few weeks, my climax builds quickly, and I can tell his does as well.
“You are mine for good now, Ivy, and I have a feeling I’m going to be needing you a lot. You are going to take care of me, aren’t you, sweet girl?”
“Yes,” I moan. This dominant side of him has my nerves tightening and ready to go off.
“Good. You thought I needed you before, but that was nothing. The thought of you pregnant with my child... I will never get enough of you. But I will take care of you too, Ivy. Anything you ever want or need will be yours all you ever need to do is ask.”
He rubs his thumb across my clit, and I shatter just as his warm cum coats every inch inside me.
Lying in bed later that night, I sit up and look down at him and smile.
“We get to live it out now.” I smile at him.
“What's that, beautiful?”
“You get to stay with me now.”
