Chapter Twenty-eight
After Dillian hung up the phone, he knew that the end had come. He had decided to tell her about Kendra, but Kendra had beaten him to the punch.
As he lay in the bed, Dillian went through scenario after scenerio about how the conversation went. He hadn’t quite decided how he would have told Gracie. He just knew it had to be done. Dillian did know that he couldn’t tell her over the phone, but he knew it wouldn’t be easy to tell her to her face either.
As Dillian wondered how Kendra felt about it, he decided to call her. He had to. Not calling wouldn’t be right at all.
Leaning over, Dillian picked up the receiver of the phone. He pressed the ‘O’ button before lying back in bed.
“Operator. How can I help you?”
“Yes, can I please get the residential listing for Kendra Jackson?”
“Please hold for the number.”
The number is 214-555-5555. Press “1” to be connected to your call.
Dillian pressed “1”. He wondered if Kendra would even talk to him. He didn’t know how, but he knew he had to get her to accept his apology and understand that he had no idea that he was infected.
As soon as the phone began to ring, Dillian thought about the possibility of Sean answering the line. Just when he was about to put the receiver back on the hook, he heard a woman’s voice.
“Gracie ... is that you?” Kendra asked.
“This is ... Dillian.” Silence. “I know you probably can’t gain the strength to talk to me at this moment, and it’s perfectly all right if you can’t, but if you can just listen, I’d like to say that I’m sorry.” Tears choked him. “Now I know that isn’t much, but ...”
“It’s okay,” Kendra finally answered in a monotone.
“What was that?” Dillian asked in fast whisper.
“It’s okay, Dillian. I already knew I was infected. The only question I had was where I had contracted it from. That was the only shocking news of the day. Actually, when Gracie came over, I had planned on telling her about my status. Other than that, I had no idea. But don’t feel bad for me at all. It’s not about me. I feel bad for Gracie.”
Not really knowing which direction to go in, Dillian started in. “I feel the same. But I need you to know that I feel bad for what I’ve done to you as well,” Dillian waited for a response, but then continued. “So you already knew you had it? I don’t know what to say. Why didn’t you contact me?”
“For what? You should know how hard it is to come to terms with all of this anyway. Nothing about this is easy.” It was easier for her to say that, instead of letting the truth be known that she had no idea from whom she had contracted it. Her black book was so thick and she had such frequent contact with men that she couldn’t even put faces with names at times.
“Right. I understand. I guess I should be grateful that you understand the whole situation. I feel so weird. If I could take it all back, I want you to know that I would.”
Nonchalantly, Kendra responded, “Sure. But that’s just not how it works, so I don’t even play that game with myself. All this time I ... I had been going through ... knowing that I had slept with you and possibly infected you ... it’s been rough, which in turn could have infected Gracie. You have no idea what I’ve been going through, maybe with the sickness, but not the mental damage. Then just knowing that the truth would have to come out made it no better.”
Silence.
“Everything is such a blur now,” Kendra mumbled. “This one alone has put the icing on my withered cake. It just goes to show you, to live is to die and to die is to gain. But what should I gain? I’m not worth anything. No good.
“I’ve shattered so many lives in so many ways, just because of what I thought I needed. Thinking that I could just sleep with my best friend’s fiance and suffer no consequences. Well, I’ve proven God wrong. I can make a mess of the life He’s given me. I’m nothing.” Kendra sat and cried.
Dillian responded. “I understand, Kendra. I feel the same way. I feel as if there is nothing left. I’ve taken my life, your life, and I’ve taken a part of Gracie away. You’re not the only one who has to suffer consequences. I’m sure I’ll have to suffer more since I’m the ring leader.”
They sat on the phone and cried. Not because of what happened, they had already cried over that. They cried because something they had done in lust for quick satisfaction now left them feeling less than human.
For several hours, Dillian and Kendra cried, talked, and cried some more. They finally settled into a somber conversation about the one thing that they had learned plenty about: HIV.
Kendra went on to explain to him what led her to the doctor’s office. She had battled what she figured was sinuses and allergies non-stop for several months. Kendra finally went to her physician and had them run a different test.
With the symptoms and the test results, Kendra’s diagnosis turned out to be pneumonia. While she thought she had what many called “walking pneumonia,” the physician explained that Kendra had Pneumocystis Carinii, a form of pneumonia that HIV patients usually contract. After the results from her blood work came back, Kendra found out that she indeed had been infected with the virus.
“Kendra, I’m sorry.” Dillian couldn’t stop feeling guilty, especially since it was all his fault.
“I told you, there’s no need to keep apologizing. I got myself into this to begin with. There is only so much I can blame you for. And believe me, I’ve had my days. I’ve been through the emotional roller coaster and wanted to hate everyone. I’m doing better now, but it’s still day-to day for me.”
He appreciated Kendra’s easiness about her situation. Dillian was blessed to have her understand that it takes two to tango even though he took full responsibility for their infection.
They talked more about being as healthy as they could and compared medications and schedules. Dillian remembered that Kendra had a boyfriend and asked about him.
“So what did your boyfriend say?”
Kendra told Dillian that he had just broken up with her because of the lack of physical pleasure in their relationship. He felt sorry for her.
“Well, when I found out I had it, there was no doubt in my mind that I’d given it to Sean ... my boyfriend. We never used protection, of course, because we trusted each other.” She was disappointed that she hadn’t told Sean. “He doesn’t even know yet.”
“Kendra! What are you waiting on? I know I’m not really the one to talk, but you have to let this man know. Look, When the time is right for you to let him know, I’ll be that support you’ll need to tell him, okay?”
Kendra let Dillian know that he could call her when he needed to talk to someone who really and truly understood. At that point, they vowed to be each other’s crutch on the broken ground they would have to travel. Dillian even welcomed Kendra to the hospital’s support group. Though she thanked him, Dillian knew Kendra was in the same mindset he had been in. She would accept the disease when the time was right for her.