CHAPTER FOURTEEN

SEX: GOTTA LOVE IT

“We're all so busy acquiring things, when all we really want to do is get naked.”

—Jason Purcell

Sex is the coolest thing on the planet and our society has done its best to make it wrong and dirty. We try to legislate it. That doesn't work. We try to limit it. That doesn't work either. We try to make it appear nasty so people won't want to do it so much. That doesn't work for sure. In fact, that only makes us want to do it more. So why does none of this work? It's not supposed to. Sex is to be enjoyed. It's natural. Anything done to inhibit sexual expression will always backfire, because it's a natural thing.

Sexual repression is the cause of many crimes—not sexual expression. Sexual repression is the cause of much guilt—not sexual expression. Sexual repression finances the lives of many psychologists, therapists, and writers—not sexual expression. Sexual repression ruins more relationships and marriages than almost any other factor I know of—not sexual expression.

I know you can come up with some exceptions here and so can I. There are always exceptions, but you must admit I make a very good point.

Think about it. Did you ever hear anyone complain because they were getting too much sex? I don't think so.

Remember the 1960s? I know, I know, some of you don’t, but maybe you saw the mini-series or bought the soundtrack. In the 1960s, protesters carried a sign that said, “Make Love, Not War.” Know what? They were right.

It's impossible to shoot another person or kill another person while you are having sex. Well, not impossible, but highly unlikely.

So am I saying just go have irresponsible sex with whomever you can? Absolutely not. I say be responsible.

“Sex can bring magic into a relationship, and anchor it in a way that no amount of talking or doing things together can.”

—Thomas Moore, Soul Mates

Sex isn't wrong. Sex is very right. That is the message we should be teaching our children. That is the message we should be telling ourselves every day of our lives. We need to give ourselves permission to enjoy it—in all of its forms.

“Wait! In all of its forms?”

Yes.

“Oh no! You aren't saying. . . .”

Yes.

“But that's wrong.”

Who says so?

“God did.”

Did She?

“Yes, He did.”

Then leave it to God to judge, even though She won’t. You stay out of it. Really. Just do the world a favor and butt out. It's none of your business.

SEX WITH YOUR CHOSEN PARTNER

Make it exciting. Use toys. Have phone sex. Send each other erotic e-mails. Get some whipped cream and massage oil. Candles and bubble bath are always good. Get creative. Get a good fantasy life going. Talk dirty to each other. Just about anything goes as long as both consent. If it feels good, do it. If you both agree to it, do it. Just enjoy each other.

“But I don't have anyone else to enjoy.”

Well, enjoy yourself then.

“?”

You understand.

And remember this about sex: If you are not sweating, you are doing something wrong.

“Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.”

—Woody Allen

Kids and Sex

Abstinence doesn't work. Don't expect it to. I doubt it worked with you when you were a kid, so don't expect it to work with your kids either. It won’t. They are going to do it. You probably did. (If not, then it's no wonder you are such a mess!)

We should teach our kids there is nothing wrong with doing it. It's natural, normal, and as far as I can tell the most fun you are ever going to have—without exception. However, there are guidelines that provide a foundation on which to build every sexual relationship. These are the guidelines that we much teach our kids:

Respect

Responsibility

Safety

These are the three things we should teach our kids about sex. They will figure out what goes where all on their own, but few parents will teach them these three things. Parents and other adults should stop telling kids that sex is bad. It isn’t. We should stop telling them they are going to ruin their lives by doing it. They are not. Most of all, we should stop telling them they are going to go to hell if they do it. They won’t.

My sons lived with their mother growing up, and they attended a large Protestant church that asked them to sign agreements saying they would never engage in sex prior to marriage. Actually, this is a common practice in many religious organizations and fundamentalist denominations. And it's nothing but guilt producing. It teaches kids that sex is wrong. And it isn’t.

All of this guilt-producing teaching hasn't done one thing to cut back on sexual activity among young adults. It hasn't cut back on sexual crimes or teenage pregnancy. The only thing I can see it has done is create a society of sexually repressed people who don't understand how to have sex without guilt. Do you find that sad?

So am I condoning premarital sex? Yes. If more couples did it before they got married there would be fewer unhappy marriages and fewer divorces.

Am I saying that kids should have sex? No. I am saying that kids are going to have sex. Teach them how to do it responsibly. Teach them that no means no—every time and without exception. Educate them about sexually transmitted diseases and about birth control. We ask kids to be responsible and yet we as parents are totally irresponsible when we don't teach our kids how to handle something as powerful as sex.